East Coast meets West Coast

Im really excited as this week my Dad has come to visit along with my stepmom Sandy, my stepsister Yenory and her hubby Marc and their two kids Dylan and Luna. I haven't seen them since my diagnosis and its definitly a long overdue visit. We have lots of fun things planned this week. They arrived today and we had a BBQ at my house and my Brother and Sis-in-law joined us as well along with their 3 kiddos. We had 9 out of 10 grandkids here. Lots of memories. We played Wii, arm wrestled, push up contests and just laughed and laughed. It felt good and I am ready for more. :)


Below is a picture of my brother "bench pressing" me. :) Good Times.

Prayer Request

Hey Followers,

Can you please pray for us these few weeks. I had to renew our insurance AGAIN and I just received our denial letter AGAIN but this time they are not offering the medical spend down as they have done in the past. :( We are un-insured again as of 7/1 for the whole family and we are already receiving bills for the time that I wasn't covered last time, and we will have to start adding more to that until we can figure this out.

I have to go back in for surgery in a few weeks and I will not be covered, so its safe to say, that Im pretty anxious about it and have no idea if my surgeon will take me un-insured ESPECIALLY because its a cosmetic fix, not a medical fix.

Anyway, Cory and I are taking 9 Jr. Highers to camp tomorrow for a week and this is probably not the best news to get on the night before I leave. :( I really  need to let this burden go and place it in God's hands.

Please pray for us, pray for our insurance once again, and pray for our family as we minister to these Jr. Highers who are so near and dear to our hearts.

Operation #4 Here I come GRUGH

I hate this. Im not going to lie. Today I had my appointment with Dr. Admire and even though I threatened like a big shot that he better take me back into surgery and fix the mistake or whatever he wants to call it, I was holding onto the hope he gave me that it would all be fixed in 2-3 months. I look everyday and make myself think its getting better, but today was a reality that its not.

But that did change today as I went for my 3 week follow up and he took a look at me and was not happy. I was so nervous seeing him again because of our last appointment. I asked my husband last night how I should respond to him when he says "How are you doing" because I don't want to say good, but I am still very unhappy. Cory told me to respond with "Im hanging in there" and so I did. Dr. Admire knew exactly what that meant and said "lets take a look" and then I knew by his response that 2-3 months was not the answer.

He said that I need 4 more weeks to heal and then we will go back in and fix it. GRUGH! GRUGH! GRUGH! Im so OVERRRRRRRR IT.

There is so much to say, I don't really know where to start, but I have been crying all day. I kept my cool in his office, but the minute I walked out, I looked at my sister (she was with the kids in the waiting room) and she looked at me and said "guys, come on, we need to go". She knew by my facial expression that it was intense. The moment I walked out of the office, I lost it. I went to the bathroom and just locked myself in the stall so my kids didn't see me and I just cried my eyes out.

I really felt like I was on the path of goodness and now here is another hiccup. Yesterday I created a jar of candy of the amount of chemo I have left (35) and added candy to it, so I can eat a piece of candy after each treatment and watch the pile go down. (Thanks Carrie Swift for that suggestion) The estimated date was February 20th 8 1/2 months to go. 35 sounds better. However, now with another surgery, I can't get chemo 10 days before surgery and 3 weeks after surgery....so we are looking at April.

I JUST WANT TO BE DONE. I don't know how else to explain it. Im not feeling anger just overwhelming sadness. I know I wanted this but I was hoping it would fix itself and the way he reacted to me today reassured me that I will be back in the operating room. Going into surgery for the 4th time, schedules, loss of more income for Cory and I and we are trying to recover from my past surgery, Recovery time in general, Im in the middle of reapplying for insurance AGAIN and extending chemo even more (which my oncologist just told me yesterday that she really hopes not to see that happen again.)

UGH.....I'll never be the same in that area, especially because there is so much that needs to be done...its really a hard thing for me to go through.

Im lost for words.........

Chemo #......I have no idea

So tomorrow I start Herceptin again. :( I have a total of 52 treatments of this and I have had maybe...12ish? Im going to find out tomorrow how many I have left so I can start counting down. My nurse previously said that I shouldn't start counting till Im halfway through, but I want to know.

I have had a great "break" from Chemo and I am thankful that God has given me that gift. Even though I had surgery during that break, it's VERY nice to not be in the chemo chair.

But the reality of this is still lingering on as I head to my 8:20 appointment. :(

Some good things?

*My hair is continuing to grow more and more.
*I feel good from "surgery"
*I ran a mile tonight with my family
*I get to take my Jr. Highers to Camp in 7 days for a week alongside my husband. (Last year at this time at camp, I was feeling my lump and contemplating on wether it was something to worry about. Now I'll be back there, with having a double masectomy, chemo and reconstructive surgery) LOL..Interesting how life takes such quick turns.
*Im dealing with my anxiety REALLY well. I still have "help" at night but I am still waking up with overwhelming anxiety. I can't pin point it, BUT when I start to get anxious, I am learning how to walk myself through it. God Is Good.

For Example, Last night we watched "The Last Song" with Miley Cyrus. I guess I misunderstood what it was about, but its a very SAD story. I wont spoil it much, but I was crying because it hit home. Cory held me after the movie and I just got up and said "lets focus on something funny" and I came right out of that hole I was about to dive into. Thank Goodness!!!

Anyway, we have a busy week ahead. My prayer request to you is that my spirit remains strong heading back into the "chemo World"

Its time to buy shampoo!

Man, I've been craving a blog but haven't felt inspired but as I just finished working, Im watching the Voice and everyone in my family is sleeping....so now is a good time.

Things have been moving along here as normal. I feel really good actually. A quick update on my appointment with Dr. Admire from last week. I shed lots of tears, I was a bit upset with him and the end result was that I need to give it 2-3 months and if I am still unhappy, we will go back in and do some more nip and tuck I guess. So, we shall see. I see him again next week.

Nothing major has happened, but the one biggest things that I am happy about is my HAIR!! Its growing rapidly and I love it. I can get obsessed with just rubbing my head and feeling how thick it is. Its means alot to me. It is offically time to buy shampoo for myself again. When I go shopping for our family hygiene products, its either Cory's man shampoo or the kids shampoo. Now mommy gets her turn back! It feels good. My eyebrows are back and eyelashes too! WOOT WOOT! When I had put masacra on before Church on Sunday I could really tell a difference. It was very cool! I do think my eyebrows are darker than my hair. Interesting and fun.

I haven't been wearing hats much for two reasons. First.. Its 103 degrees and hats sound so suffocating right now. LOL. Second...I DONT CARE!!!! Its normal for me and you guys need to understand that this is a HUGE step for me in my healing process of self image. I feel that I have come a long way through my counseling and really understanding how to live like normal again.

I have not had Chemo since May because of my surgery and I am not going to lie, it feels good not to go every Monday but unfortunatley its starts back up again on the 13th. I do miss my Chemo nurses, but honestly its not something I want to go back to. I have gotten use to life with no chemo right now. :( I don't know if my "feeling good" has to do with the absence of chemo and if it is I pray that I don't take a step back in my healing process once I start again.

Anyway...here is pics of my hair growth. :) Good things!

Thanks for keeping updated on my journey.

Post Op Surgery Update

Thank you everyone for your prayers and support through my second part of reconstruction surgery. This surgery was WAY EASIER than the first, THANK GOD! I did stay overnight in the hospital because I am still on Chemo, live 80 miles away and because of my hematoma previously, it was much smarter to stay than be sent home right away.

Sunday night before surgery we enjoyed a nice dinner at Bucco Di Peppo with my BFF's and spouses. Then we topped it off with a starbucks and a cake pop. :)

This time around I wasn't anxious as much as I was the first time of course. It was more emotional to me than anything. I did alot of walking down memory lane while sitting in the waiting room or pre-op room.

This time was VERY fast. I was back there for about 45 min at most then Dr. Admire came and did his marking and then the Anesthesiologists came and gave me a "cocktail". The surgery took about 45 minutes and recovery was 90 minutes. LOL

The most uncomfortable part of my recovery was the incision areas. Then some pressure, but for the most part, very tolerable. I came home on Tuesday and was up by Saturday. Overall, not too shabby.

I am having some issues with the end results, and I have my post-op appt today to talk about all that good stuff. I unwrapped myself on Tuesday night because I couldn't wait and it just wasn't as magical as I hoped it would be. LOL. So...9pm I called Dr. Admire and expressed my concerns. Apparently over time, things will fall into place. However..since I was medicatated when I called him and couldn't fully process that, over time I have realized that I am not happy with that response. Sooooo I will be going in today, letting him know my thoughts and standing up for myself as a patient. I have been holding the tears back and so I know that when I see him, I will be letting them out.

Having this surgery does sounds so fun right? Well, it can be, however Breast Cancer takes alot from you and this is one area that I am sensitive in and I deserve to be happy. I have been through hell and back and as my hair starts growing back in, I want to be happy all around and move on. He is causing a hiccup in that process.

Anyway...other than that, we are doing as good as we can be. We are creating lots of fun family time during this summer (locally) and although the kids are at each other's throats every hour, I do hear them laughing and running through the house as I type this blog. So...I guess this is how I will spend my 55 days of summer. LOL. It truly doesn't matter if they faught all day, Im thankful Im here to listen.

We do have a busy summer ahead of us though. Jr. High Camp WOOT WOOT which allows Cory and I to do ministry together in the beauty of Pinerock (Prescott) and the joy of watching the lives and hearts of Jr. Highers change. My dad & Stepmom will be paying a visit at the end of June for a week along with my stepsister & brother in law who I haven't seen in atleast 5 years. I get to meet my niece Luna and watch as Dylan (my nephew) and Bella play their hearts out as they are 3 weeks apart in age. Yay! Im very excited! We are also having Bella's 7th Bday party. Its a Hannah Montana/Justin Bieber VIP party. Watch out! :)

Anyway, here are a couple of pics of our Camping trip in our living room last night. It was great fun!

Surgery

Hey All,

Surgery is Monday at 8am at Piper Surgery Center with an overnight stay. Just asking for prayers for quick recovery and a calm heart.

Thank you!