Today was rough. First day without Cory was more intense than I expected. He means so much to me and when he walked in the door I just fell into his arms. Safety...That is what I feel when I am with him.
This morning after I sent the kids off to school I came home and started writing an email to my kids teachers. I wanted them to know what the treatment plan is so that they can understand Isaac and Bella's behavior during that time. Talking about chemo made me really sad today. I proably said it before but I will say it again. I'd take a double mastecomy over chemo. I really dont want to lose my hair. My vanity.
I decided that when I have my start date for chemo, I will cut my hair really short, so I dont have to torture myself standing in the mirror pulling clumps of hair out of my head. So I will try and get somewhat of a cute cut, but that makes me cry.
All day I was anxious with litle panic attacks. My chest gets really tight and I can't take a full breath. Ugh, I hate it. Thank Goodness I had Carla and my sister here today. I couldn't handle being alone.
This afternoon Amy brought me a gift from Jackie. She is the speech therapist from school. Jackie if you are reading this...THANK YOU SO MUCH for my gift. I will be honest with you, that when I saw the bandana, I lost composure. This is so real. One minute trying to "own" the bald thing, and the next its a disaster for me. I sat there and cried and cried, while Amy and my sister just sat there with me. I hate feeling like this all the time. In fact my husband just said "Hun, im done with cancer, lets move on to something else" LOL....I wish it was that easy, but its not. Its here to stay until that stupid drug gets ahold of it.
The Mackenzies stopped by too. We had some good laughs talking about my surgery options and really just making fun of the whole situaition of reconstructive surgery. For some people, this would be devasting but for me, the thought of having "fake" boobs is kinda funny. Something I would never have chosen but now its not a choice. Im only 31 and I need it for myself.
Tonight I had dinner brought to us by the Severson Family. YUM!! Loaded Lasagna and Chocolate Cheesecake. It was very good. Thank you Teresa!
We also had a few friends over and a couple of teens. They played the Wii for a bit and I had some good laughs. It felt good. I needed to laugh and forget my new normal.
Im super tired from this rollercoaster of emotions but I didn't want to go to bed w/out writing. Tomorrow my plan is to write about my treatment plan in full detail. Lumpectomy VS Masectomy, my options, and test results.
Also, I wanted to thank you all for the donations. I have over $500 in our paypal account. I get to have my MRI on Monday because of that. SO thank you for contributing to my treatment.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Telling our Children
That HAD to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Watching the tears rolls from my kids eyes not because of the cancer, but because they were sad that I had to lose my hair and boobs was heart breaking. They said some really great things tonight that made my heart melt though. When I told them that I would lose my hair, my eyebrows, and my eyelashes Isaac said "Mom, remember when we were at the beauty store, and they had those eyebrows you can stick on? Just get those." I couldn't help but laugh. He was also so amazed with reconstructive surgery. Who knows, maybe he will be a plastic surgeon because he was really curious about it. :) At the end of the conversation we talked about the amount of people that will be in our home, taking care of them and me, or maybe the kids going to play at their friends house and that we want them to enjoy their time with their friends and that I will be ok during the treatment. Isaac then asked "what if I have fun at my friends house?" and suddenly my strong boy's heart started to weaken and he began to cry. I asked "Isaac do you think you will feel guilty if you are having fun during my chemo?" He responded "yes". WOW, I just wanted to ball my head off.
We talked in length about my desire for them during this time and that Jesus will be by my side and we all want him to have fun. I made him promise that he will have fun, guilt free. My poor baby doesn't know how he is supposed to feel.
Bella....oh my precious little Bella. Once I told them about my hair, she started to cry. Of course, my baby girl can feel the sense of vanity that will be lost. I just love her. I asked them if they had any questions and Bella said that she did. "Mom, I can't concentrate on my work at school because I think of you". "Hunny, what are you thinking?" "Worry" she said. This is all being said through tears rolling down her cheeks. Ugh, I never even thought that they would be affected like this. I mean, I knew that they would be concerned, but for her to remember her mommy during school, is just overwhelming for me. I assured her that its not our job to worry. That God is with me during the day and I am very well taken care of. I appreciate her love for me but I dont want it to affect her day.
Talking about this to my kids really broke a new wall down of reality. Keeping it from them was making me feel like I was keeping a secret. People are in and out of our home and the word chemo and tears are so easily being thrown around that I do not want them to hear but never know the truth. They were obviously worried already so Im so happy that we had the talk.
Watching the tears rolls from my kids eyes not because of the cancer, but because they were sad that I had to lose my hair and boobs was heart breaking. They said some really great things tonight that made my heart melt though. When I told them that I would lose my hair, my eyebrows, and my eyelashes Isaac said "Mom, remember when we were at the beauty store, and they had those eyebrows you can stick on? Just get those." I couldn't help but laugh. He was also so amazed with reconstructive surgery. Who knows, maybe he will be a plastic surgeon because he was really curious about it. :) At the end of the conversation we talked about the amount of people that will be in our home, taking care of them and me, or maybe the kids going to play at their friends house and that we want them to enjoy their time with their friends and that I will be ok during the treatment. Isaac then asked "what if I have fun at my friends house?" and suddenly my strong boy's heart started to weaken and he began to cry. I asked "Isaac do you think you will feel guilty if you are having fun during my chemo?" He responded "yes". WOW, I just wanted to ball my head off.
We talked in length about my desire for them during this time and that Jesus will be by my side and we all want him to have fun. I made him promise that he will have fun, guilt free. My poor baby doesn't know how he is supposed to feel.
Bella....oh my precious little Bella. Once I told them about my hair, she started to cry. Of course, my baby girl can feel the sense of vanity that will be lost. I just love her. I asked them if they had any questions and Bella said that she did. "Mom, I can't concentrate on my work at school because I think of you". "Hunny, what are you thinking?" "Worry" she said. This is all being said through tears rolling down her cheeks. Ugh, I never even thought that they would be affected like this. I mean, I knew that they would be concerned, but for her to remember her mommy during school, is just overwhelming for me. I assured her that its not our job to worry. That God is with me during the day and I am very well taken care of. I appreciate her love for me but I dont want it to affect her day.
Talking about this to my kids really broke a new wall down of reality. Keeping it from them was making me feel like I was keeping a secret. People are in and out of our home and the word chemo and tears are so easily being thrown around that I do not want them to hear but never know the truth. They were obviously worried already so Im so happy that we had the talk.
Thursday August 5th and Day 5.
Ahhhh, I shed some tears this morning with my Mom and Husband. It felt good. I wish I wasn't so numb to the news. I wish I would sob for a few days and then get up and say "Lets Do this". Lke I was ready to fight in High School. LOL....all my HS peeps know what I mean. :)
I do want to take this blog to take some time to say THANK YOU. I can't name everyone, but the emails/phone calls/cards/gifts/prayers/donations are A HUGE HELP.....More than you know. Everytime I open my door or come home, I have a card or a gift. I can't express it enough on how uplifting that is. One of my fears is that Im alone, and with every word of encouragement from someone...its a reminder that Im not alone.
I do NOT want every blog to be filled with tears because I want people to see Jesus through me. I am human, and I will be afraid but one of my very close and dear friends that went through cancer wrote this to me today so I thought I would share.
You are a spiritual warrior. You don't mentor teenagers because you're weak. You mentor them spiritually because you are strong in faith. Now use that to your advantage.
I do want to be faithful. I do not question "why" I have this disease. I question.."What are you going to do with me once Im in remission". LOL...Im scared because I pray everyday for God to use me and Oh boy, I think he might have something in store. One salvation is all I can ask for. And when I say Salvation, this is what I mean.
Through my battle with cancer my goal is for everyone to see that I do not rely on anything else for comfort except my God. He is my comfort. He always has been. Every "thing" that I have is just an added blessing, but He is the only one that can literally fill me up with peace, comfort, joy, courage and strength. My family and friends around me are his hands and feet. That is our purpose for eachother. I want others to see me as a light in the darkness, that when I am down and sick from the pain of Chemo, I am calling out to my God and saying "thank you" for this medicine so I can see my children grow up! Thank you!
That is my goal and my prayer is that my cancer GLORIFIES His name. I simply can't ask for anything else. As I am praying for healing, I am also praying that others read this and surrender their life to Him so that He may be a comfort in their lives as well.
I dont want THAT to get lost in all this.
I do want to take this blog to take some time to say THANK YOU. I can't name everyone, but the emails/phone calls/cards/gifts/prayers/donations are A HUGE HELP.....More than you know. Everytime I open my door or come home, I have a card or a gift. I can't express it enough on how uplifting that is. One of my fears is that Im alone, and with every word of encouragement from someone...its a reminder that Im not alone.
I do NOT want every blog to be filled with tears because I want people to see Jesus through me. I am human, and I will be afraid but one of my very close and dear friends that went through cancer wrote this to me today so I thought I would share.
You are a spiritual warrior. You don't mentor teenagers because you're weak. You mentor them spiritually because you are strong in faith. Now use that to your advantage.
I do want to be faithful. I do not question "why" I have this disease. I question.."What are you going to do with me once Im in remission". LOL...Im scared because I pray everyday for God to use me and Oh boy, I think he might have something in store. One salvation is all I can ask for. And when I say Salvation, this is what I mean.
Through my battle with cancer my goal is for everyone to see that I do not rely on anything else for comfort except my God. He is my comfort. He always has been. Every "thing" that I have is just an added blessing, but He is the only one that can literally fill me up with peace, comfort, joy, courage and strength. My family and friends around me are his hands and feet. That is our purpose for eachother. I want others to see me as a light in the darkness, that when I am down and sick from the pain of Chemo, I am calling out to my God and saying "thank you" for this medicine so I can see my children grow up! Thank you!
That is my goal and my prayer is that my cancer GLORIFIES His name. I simply can't ask for anything else. As I am praying for healing, I am also praying that others read this and surrender their life to Him so that He may be a comfort in their lives as well.
I dont want THAT to get lost in all this.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Oncology Appointment. The Appointment that has changed my life.
Im going to let you know immediatley what my treatment plan is so you no longer have to hold your breathe. As I was finding myself doing this morning.
The options for Mastecomy or Lumpectomy are still undetermined because of a few tests that need to be done. MRI (Just to make sure that they didn't miss anything) and a Gene test to tell if I am a cancer carrier since I do not have family history. Depending on those results will determine if I have a lumpectomy or masectomy. Here is the hit that has caused me to tremble.
Chemo. Mandatory. 1 year. That is my hit. I have not cried since I heard that news because I am numb. So numb that I am crying so hard inside, but nothing on the outside.
Am I ready to get chemo and be sick to my stomach on my couch while my children watch me? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Am I ready to be curled up in a ball moaning and groaning from pain? ABSOLUTLEY NOT! Am I ready to be losing my hair, and my eyebrows? NO!!! But I so want peace. I want to be ok with this! I want to wake up and not be scared. But I am! I am so scared that I can't even cry!! Im 31. How did this happen so young? 30%....I fell into the 30% category.
I would take a double mastecomy over chemo. I'd walk around with no chest, instead of chemo. BUT for every pain that I feel during this, and every hair that I lose, I have to remember that I am fighting for my life. I want to see my kids grow up. And I have to suffer for them!
I sat in the doctors office shaking, trembling, laughing, crying and sitting in shock staring at the doctor and all I heard was "wah, wha, wha, wha". At one point she looked at me and asked "what are you thinking?" and I said "Chemo! I can't kick the word Chemo". She told me to try and remember that for every pain that comes with that NASTY drug, its killing every cancer cell possible.
Im just so scared, Im not going to lie. Im not going to pretend Im strong today. Because Im not. I am having trouble breathing because of how scared I am. My whole life has just changed. My whole marriage has changed, my parenting, my social life, my employment status. EVERYTHING! Changed! Not because Im getting the lump removed or my breast removed, but because I will inject a NASTY, CELL EATING drug in my body that will kick me down right out of my normal life. I just want to cry and cry and cry and I can't.
Please understand that this time for me to process this will be rough. I want to see and talk to everyone but I can't. I dont have the energy to do it. Sometimes I can't answer the door, sometimes I can't answer the phone. Not because I dont want to. But because I just got a ticket to a whole new world that I NEVER thought I would be a part of.
I will need help! I will need help with my kids. I dont want them seeing me suffer. Oh how I dread that vision in my head. I want someone with me at every chemo appointment. I dont want to come home alone. I want to come home to a cozy home and sit and watch a movie while the chemo does its thing. Please dont ever let me be alone.
"Sigh"...I just need to breathe. Breathe out my frustration and anxiety.
I do have to use this moment to Glorify God as I have promised to always do. I prayed for my doctor to not treat me as another cancer patient. Do you know the first thing that was said to me? "Gabbee, through this we want you to know that we dont look at you as just another cancer patient" I laughed and said "Ive been praying for someone like you. THank you JESUS for that blessing.
More blessings. From recent tests we do not show that my lympnodes are affected. Chemo is honestly the worst part of my news today. Many women do it though, I HAVE TO get through this. Im Gabbee right? Gabbee always has this smile on that everyone talks about. A radiant glow that so many people have commented on. I HAVE to defeat this. I HAVE to be cancer free. Not because of just me, but because that is WHO I am.
There are SO MANY more details and I will share tomorrow but this is what is so heavy on my heart. But I came home to my friends and family bringing me dinner, cleaning my kitchen, and just sitting and listening to my thoughts. I will post more tomorrow about the other stuff.
But in this post, please remember one thing. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the insurance lady at 11:30. My case workers name is Carmen. Please pray for her. That she would feel an overwhelming sense of need to approve me. I want so many people praying for her that she would even comment on it. I plan to tell her my story and beg for insurance. That is where Im at. Please Please Please Please Please PRAY AT 11:30 ARIZONA TIME. APPROVAL, APPROVAL APPROVAL!
Love you all!
The options for Mastecomy or Lumpectomy are still undetermined because of a few tests that need to be done. MRI (Just to make sure that they didn't miss anything) and a Gene test to tell if I am a cancer carrier since I do not have family history. Depending on those results will determine if I have a lumpectomy or masectomy. Here is the hit that has caused me to tremble.
Chemo. Mandatory. 1 year. That is my hit. I have not cried since I heard that news because I am numb. So numb that I am crying so hard inside, but nothing on the outside.
Am I ready to get chemo and be sick to my stomach on my couch while my children watch me? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Am I ready to be curled up in a ball moaning and groaning from pain? ABSOLUTLEY NOT! Am I ready to be losing my hair, and my eyebrows? NO!!! But I so want peace. I want to be ok with this! I want to wake up and not be scared. But I am! I am so scared that I can't even cry!! Im 31. How did this happen so young? 30%....I fell into the 30% category.
I would take a double mastecomy over chemo. I'd walk around with no chest, instead of chemo. BUT for every pain that I feel during this, and every hair that I lose, I have to remember that I am fighting for my life. I want to see my kids grow up. And I have to suffer for them!
I sat in the doctors office shaking, trembling, laughing, crying and sitting in shock staring at the doctor and all I heard was "wah, wha, wha, wha". At one point she looked at me and asked "what are you thinking?" and I said "Chemo! I can't kick the word Chemo". She told me to try and remember that for every pain that comes with that NASTY drug, its killing every cancer cell possible.
Im just so scared, Im not going to lie. Im not going to pretend Im strong today. Because Im not. I am having trouble breathing because of how scared I am. My whole life has just changed. My whole marriage has changed, my parenting, my social life, my employment status. EVERYTHING! Changed! Not because Im getting the lump removed or my breast removed, but because I will inject a NASTY, CELL EATING drug in my body that will kick me down right out of my normal life. I just want to cry and cry and cry and I can't.
Please understand that this time for me to process this will be rough. I want to see and talk to everyone but I can't. I dont have the energy to do it. Sometimes I can't answer the door, sometimes I can't answer the phone. Not because I dont want to. But because I just got a ticket to a whole new world that I NEVER thought I would be a part of.
I will need help! I will need help with my kids. I dont want them seeing me suffer. Oh how I dread that vision in my head. I want someone with me at every chemo appointment. I dont want to come home alone. I want to come home to a cozy home and sit and watch a movie while the chemo does its thing. Please dont ever let me be alone.
"Sigh"...I just need to breathe. Breathe out my frustration and anxiety.
I do have to use this moment to Glorify God as I have promised to always do. I prayed for my doctor to not treat me as another cancer patient. Do you know the first thing that was said to me? "Gabbee, through this we want you to know that we dont look at you as just another cancer patient" I laughed and said "Ive been praying for someone like you. THank you JESUS for that blessing.
More blessings. From recent tests we do not show that my lympnodes are affected. Chemo is honestly the worst part of my news today. Many women do it though, I HAVE TO get through this. Im Gabbee right? Gabbee always has this smile on that everyone talks about. A radiant glow that so many people have commented on. I HAVE to defeat this. I HAVE to be cancer free. Not because of just me, but because that is WHO I am.
There are SO MANY more details and I will share tomorrow but this is what is so heavy on my heart. But I came home to my friends and family bringing me dinner, cleaning my kitchen, and just sitting and listening to my thoughts. I will post more tomorrow about the other stuff.
But in this post, please remember one thing. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the insurance lady at 11:30. My case workers name is Carmen. Please pray for her. That she would feel an overwhelming sense of need to approve me. I want so many people praying for her that she would even comment on it. I plan to tell her my story and beg for insurance. That is where Im at. Please Please Please Please Please PRAY AT 11:30 ARIZONA TIME. APPROVAL, APPROVAL APPROVAL!
Love you all!
Wells Fargo Donation Information
Many are asking for the wells fargo account information. We didn't want to post it everywhere so I am posting the last 4 #'s of the Acct #.
Acct # 0306
Gabriel & Cory Bagby
Arizona Savings Wells Fargo.
THank you so much for your donations! They are flowing in and my heart leaps with joy each time I receive a notification! God Bless your servant hearts!
Acct # 0306
Gabriel & Cory Bagby
Arizona Savings Wells Fargo.
THank you so much for your donations! They are flowing in and my heart leaps with joy each time I receive a notification! God Bless your servant hearts!
Day 6 August 4th "Cory's in the ER"
Ahhhhhhhh!!! Can I please just SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m sooooo frustrated. Last night Cory had chest pains. Here we were sitting on the couch rejoicing in our donations as they were coming in on our new PayPal donation account. Then I see my husband hovering over the counter trying to look for aspirin, spreading all of our medicine out on the counter. I ask him what’s wrong and he responds "I’m having chest pain, and it’s shooting in my neck and down my arm." Ugh....I was not sympathetic at this moment. I just told him it was anxiety and it'll be fine. I saw the pain in his face and said "if you are serious, I'll call 911" but his concern was medical bills and that he didn't want to leave me. So, I said "if we had insurance and I didn't have cancer, would you go". He said "yes".
I called 911 and 3 awesome guys came (we knew all 3 of them) came to our house and hooked Cory up. I told them my situation and what Cory is feeling..Hoping its anxiety. They offered an ambulance but we didn't want the bill so we had Chris and John take him to Florence ER.
They of course are not equipped with everything so they transfer him to Mountain Vista in Mesa. They wanted to do a cardio test which would take 18 hours. UGH!!! I told my husband at 4am that he will be checking himself out at 10am if a doctor has not been in to see him. I NEED HIM TODAY!
Isaac woke up at 3am and crawled into my bed. In Daddy's spot. He asked me where Daddy was and I had to explain to him what happened. It took him over an hour to fall back asleep. Bella crawled into my bed at 6:30 while I was on the phone with the nurse. She's tugging at me, asking "what is going on and where is daddy". UGH....My poor kids. I am just so overwhelmed, I feel like I can't take one more hit. I had a dream last night that Cory's chest X-ray came back with cancer. I was so scared in my dream. I was so disappointed and I was trying to prepare myself in my dream, to be a single mom in my own cancer fight. I woke up so anxious and irritated. I called Cory and yelled at him for having chest pain which I feel terrible for, but I’m just so scared!!
My poor husband, I know that last thing he would want is to be at the hospital and not laying in bed next to me, but it’s still frustrating for me. I don’t want to worry about his health; I want to start my fight. I know that sounds so selfish, but I can't help it.
I’m very anxious today for my appointment. What will they say? Will my concerns on the pain in my breast mean more tests? Will they suggest Chemo? Am I ready for that? Will they suggest radiation? Mastectomy? Double Mastectomy? My HEAD IS SPINNING!! I want to be ready for all of these choices but I know that when I am sitting in the office today, my heart will be so heavy regardless of the process because it’s still so unreal.
My prayer today is for peace. Peace, Peace, Peace. And Clarity. I want this decision for the doctors and myself to be SO CLEAR to all of us. And a Peaceful one.
Please pray for Cory, that whatever it is, that is heart heals and his anxiety calms down. He has a fear of losing me; I have a fear of losing him. That won’t be a healthy way to fight. We need a new strategy.
I’m sooooo frustrated. Last night Cory had chest pains. Here we were sitting on the couch rejoicing in our donations as they were coming in on our new PayPal donation account. Then I see my husband hovering over the counter trying to look for aspirin, spreading all of our medicine out on the counter. I ask him what’s wrong and he responds "I’m having chest pain, and it’s shooting in my neck and down my arm." Ugh....I was not sympathetic at this moment. I just told him it was anxiety and it'll be fine. I saw the pain in his face and said "if you are serious, I'll call 911" but his concern was medical bills and that he didn't want to leave me. So, I said "if we had insurance and I didn't have cancer, would you go". He said "yes".
I called 911 and 3 awesome guys came (we knew all 3 of them) came to our house and hooked Cory up. I told them my situation and what Cory is feeling..Hoping its anxiety. They offered an ambulance but we didn't want the bill so we had Chris and John take him to Florence ER.
They of course are not equipped with everything so they transfer him to Mountain Vista in Mesa. They wanted to do a cardio test which would take 18 hours. UGH!!! I told my husband at 4am that he will be checking himself out at 10am if a doctor has not been in to see him. I NEED HIM TODAY!
Isaac woke up at 3am and crawled into my bed. In Daddy's spot. He asked me where Daddy was and I had to explain to him what happened. It took him over an hour to fall back asleep. Bella crawled into my bed at 6:30 while I was on the phone with the nurse. She's tugging at me, asking "what is going on and where is daddy". UGH....My poor kids. I am just so overwhelmed, I feel like I can't take one more hit. I had a dream last night that Cory's chest X-ray came back with cancer. I was so scared in my dream. I was so disappointed and I was trying to prepare myself in my dream, to be a single mom in my own cancer fight. I woke up so anxious and irritated. I called Cory and yelled at him for having chest pain which I feel terrible for, but I’m just so scared!!
My poor husband, I know that last thing he would want is to be at the hospital and not laying in bed next to me, but it’s still frustrating for me. I don’t want to worry about his health; I want to start my fight. I know that sounds so selfish, but I can't help it.
I’m very anxious today for my appointment. What will they say? Will my concerns on the pain in my breast mean more tests? Will they suggest Chemo? Am I ready for that? Will they suggest radiation? Mastectomy? Double Mastectomy? My HEAD IS SPINNING!! I want to be ready for all of these choices but I know that when I am sitting in the office today, my heart will be so heavy regardless of the process because it’s still so unreal.
My prayer today is for peace. Peace, Peace, Peace. And Clarity. I want this decision for the doctors and myself to be SO CLEAR to all of us. And a Peaceful one.
Please pray for Cory, that whatever it is, that is heart heals and his anxiety calms down. He has a fear of losing me; I have a fear of losing him. That won’t be a healthy way to fight. We need a new strategy.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
August 3rd 2010 Day 5 "Angry"
I didn't think this would ever come. But here it is. I woke up anxious as usual. I realized that I have a life that I can't put on hold. Im not angry that I have cancer. Jesus is more my comfort now than He ever has been. Im angry because my body and my mind want to stop, but I can't. I have two kids. I have a husband. I have a job! I can't just sit on my couch and mold my body into it, and cry for hours on hours. I want to..and trust me I do, but I can't. Yes I have people here to help with the kids, but they are mine. I dont want to be uncapable of doing that. Getting them ready for school takes every ounce of energy that I have. When I did Bella's hair this morning I asked her "so, what do you think about everyone coming over, and the tears" She said "I dont know" so I said "Do you want to talk about Mommy's cancer" she said "I dont know what to say". So I just told her that we dont have to talk about it then. She was ok with that. We have talked to them so much already...they just want to continue living the way they did Last Thursday.
After the kids left I went and started to pay bills. HAHAHAHA! Try doing that when you have just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer with no insurance. Money went in today and there isn't enough. Not because we can't afford to live, but because I have $1000 in medical bills and I just got the diagnosis. It hasn't even started yet. Government programs take time and that is SO FRUSTRATING! Cory and I had an argument that lasted 2 minutes before I was on the floor crying. Sobbing my heart out....because I want to know why I wasn't prepared for this! Why didn't we get insurance when we should have! Why do people have to worry about that when they are trying to process a diagnosis like this? I cried for what felt like hours. Cory just held me. Not knowing what to say other than "its going to be ok". He got up and started the shower for me. I hate getting undressed because once I do...the reality of a disease comes more alive to me.
When I feel like this....I get on my knees. Calling out to my comfort. I asked Him this morning if there ever was a perfect time to get cancer? Are things always in place, waiting for you to hear the news? I literally laughed out loud as I know He was too. Of course not. Nothing ever is in order. But God has a plan. And all of these bills will be taken care of. I know they will be. Doesn't mean that worry isn't a part of me.
My plan today is to sit and be still. I NEED to listen and hear His voice of comfort otherwise I have no chance in this battle.
After the kids left I went and started to pay bills. HAHAHAHA! Try doing that when you have just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer with no insurance. Money went in today and there isn't enough. Not because we can't afford to live, but because I have $1000 in medical bills and I just got the diagnosis. It hasn't even started yet. Government programs take time and that is SO FRUSTRATING! Cory and I had an argument that lasted 2 minutes before I was on the floor crying. Sobbing my heart out....because I want to know why I wasn't prepared for this! Why didn't we get insurance when we should have! Why do people have to worry about that when they are trying to process a diagnosis like this? I cried for what felt like hours. Cory just held me. Not knowing what to say other than "its going to be ok". He got up and started the shower for me. I hate getting undressed because once I do...the reality of a disease comes more alive to me.
When I feel like this....I get on my knees. Calling out to my comfort. I asked Him this morning if there ever was a perfect time to get cancer? Are things always in place, waiting for you to hear the news? I literally laughed out loud as I know He was too. Of course not. Nothing ever is in order. But God has a plan. And all of these bills will be taken care of. I know they will be. Doesn't mean that worry isn't a part of me.
My plan today is to sit and be still. I NEED to listen and hear His voice of comfort otherwise I have no chance in this battle.
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