Well in honor of Big Red I decided to write my blog in red. Although I have a love/hate relationship with him, Big Red has done some great things for me. I truly believe in the medicine as I said before and I am trusting that his job is done and the cancer cells that were lingering around are no longer there.
Tomorrow is my last one. YAY! I then move onto Taxol in January for a total of 4 treatments. Even though I have barely made a dent in my chemo treatment I will celebrate tomorrow!
I got my blood work done today and I called my doctor around 5pm to get my results and they said that I am borderline again. One or two things will happen which is really my choice. I can get my blood drawn again to see if I have come up so they can give me my treatment w/out the booster. If I choose this, that means a LOOOONG day of treatment. Atleast 5-6 hours becuase I have to wait for my results.
If I choose the booster, (im blanking on the name..Nuelasta i think) it has side effects that I really dont want to deal with. She told me achy feelings. Ugh, I so don't feel like doing that.
So after Cory and I talked tonight we are leaning on getting my blood checked again. Praying that its GOOD TO GO with no booster.
Please pray with me!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Tears are Falling
I can't even begin to describe the various emotions that has taunted me today which led me into "isolation" (how Cory's describes my day). It started yesterday. The fatique was overwhelming. My house was a disaster and I couldn't lift a finger which of course drives me crazy. I was so tired and we had one more Christmas dinner to attend at my moms house. I pretty much isolated myself on the couch at her house getting sleepier and sleepier as the night went on. Everyone else in my family parented my kids because I shut down when I am tired and a bit overwhelmed by the chaos of family. I was never like that before, but sometimes it just gets too overwhelming.
Today I woke up, a new day, a shower, some new clothes from Christmas and off I went to help set up at church. I moved a rack of chairs (with help) and found myself exhausted. I expressed to my friend Amy how much energy that just took out of me, and its not to get sympathy or to get out of helping because that is something that I desire to do, but I want to try and explain what my body is feeling.
After much socializing at church and of course singing, by the time we were done, I was DONE. I hit a brick wall as I say so many times. I came home and Cory made me lunch and I took a 2 hour nap. Now let me back up a bit.
After church Cory and I had a "talk" which of course turned into a high volume discussion. :) Im not going to lie and say our marriage through this journey is strong everyday. Lately it has been weak for several reasons. Tears starting falling during this "discussion" because I truly feel like my marriage is weaker because of me. Not because of me but because of the circumstances we are in. Im sure my husband is tired of being the caretaker and some days it shows more often than others, but he never complains. My guilt sets in and my mind makes stuff up so he just may be tired but I take it as "tired of caring for me."
After our discussion, we ate lunch and then off I went into my bedroom to nap. I started to wake up and he opens the door to check on me cuz my mom came to visit. She actually came to tell me that my Aunt Elsie was back in the ER becuase of a side effect from the medication she is on. So, I started making some phones calls and so on. Then a few minutes later, my 3 nieces and a friend came over. So I got up, put a hat on, and went outside on the couch to join them as they invaded my house. Well just my Wii and Just Dance 2. I don't mind these kind of visits, I thrive on them actually, but today I felt crappy. I just sat on the couch watching them as they entertained themselves. I enjoyed them being here though. I just wasn't myself. After they left, Cory gave me a big hug and said how he can tell how tired I was. So I went back in the bedroom and laid down some more until dinner.
During this time Amy and I were trying to plan a shopping trip with our Youth Group students for tomorrow. I try and do as much as possible before chemo on Wednesday because I'll be down for several days. Each treatment gets longer and longer that I am "down". Anyway through this scheduling I started attacking myself in all different areas in ministry. I long to be connected with these girls but this stupid thing called cancer puts a hiccup in my step. Scheduling, length of shopping, connecting, holding hour long conversations all sound exhausting but my heart is bursting for them at the same time. Its really hard and stressful on me mentally to have to pick and choose what is right.
So at this point my emotions are already all over the place. Then the thought of getting my house ready AGAIN for Wednesday, Meals planned, Fridge filled, kids clothes washed, clean house and bills paid exhausts me some more. lol.
I finally got out of my bed, played some Wii with the kids and Cory and then did a devotional with Bella while Cory did his devotional with Isaac. It was really good. We got them new devotionals for Christmas Boy & Girl ones of course and they are really enjoying them. Its a blessing to read bible stories about women of God and then hear my daughter read. We read Psalms 26 tonight. We were only supposed to read one verse, but the sound of her reading to me was too good to stop so she kept going. Then she prayed. She asked God to please make her mom feel better because she loves her very very much. It was precious.
Cory took the kids to bed and when they were both out of my room I started to cry some more. Isaac came back in (unexpected) and he got really nervous and asked what happened when he saw my tears. Just something in my eye buddy, I'll be fine. There are times when he can see me cry, but right before bed is not one of them. I know my son and I know that he will lay there and ponder it. Its not something I want him to worry about.
Cory came in and there I let it loose. After dumping my entire set of emotions on him once again, he said "what do you want to do about it?" I disregarded the question and broke out into a deeper breakdown and cried out "What did I miss, where in the world did this come from, how did I get it" and on and on I went over the same questions I have been asking myself for 5 months. Cory was pretty silent and just held me as he knows works best for me. He never got the answer to his question but he told me I should blog and that I need more friends on the days leading up to chemo. LOL. Its funny to hear his solution to a problem.
Anyway, I listented and I decided to journal (Blog). SOmetimes I feel like its a whine fest and maybe it is, but its my outlet. Its why I created it. I don't ever want anyone to think each day is a bowl full of cherries or that each day is a torture chamber, but it varies. We received several gift cards for Christmas so I will be planning a nice long date night for the two of us. Dinner, Movie and Ice Cream. I can't wait for it.
Lots of new side effects have started and that is always a constant reminder of the change in my body which triggers emotions as well.
I just ask for prayer for my marriage, my health of course and that God will fill me up with peace before my next treatment.
Today I woke up, a new day, a shower, some new clothes from Christmas and off I went to help set up at church. I moved a rack of chairs (with help) and found myself exhausted. I expressed to my friend Amy how much energy that just took out of me, and its not to get sympathy or to get out of helping because that is something that I desire to do, but I want to try and explain what my body is feeling.
After much socializing at church and of course singing, by the time we were done, I was DONE. I hit a brick wall as I say so many times. I came home and Cory made me lunch and I took a 2 hour nap. Now let me back up a bit.
After church Cory and I had a "talk" which of course turned into a high volume discussion. :) Im not going to lie and say our marriage through this journey is strong everyday. Lately it has been weak for several reasons. Tears starting falling during this "discussion" because I truly feel like my marriage is weaker because of me. Not because of me but because of the circumstances we are in. Im sure my husband is tired of being the caretaker and some days it shows more often than others, but he never complains. My guilt sets in and my mind makes stuff up so he just may be tired but I take it as "tired of caring for me."
After our discussion, we ate lunch and then off I went into my bedroom to nap. I started to wake up and he opens the door to check on me cuz my mom came to visit. She actually came to tell me that my Aunt Elsie was back in the ER becuase of a side effect from the medication she is on. So, I started making some phones calls and so on. Then a few minutes later, my 3 nieces and a friend came over. So I got up, put a hat on, and went outside on the couch to join them as they invaded my house. Well just my Wii and Just Dance 2. I don't mind these kind of visits, I thrive on them actually, but today I felt crappy. I just sat on the couch watching them as they entertained themselves. I enjoyed them being here though. I just wasn't myself. After they left, Cory gave me a big hug and said how he can tell how tired I was. So I went back in the bedroom and laid down some more until dinner.
During this time Amy and I were trying to plan a shopping trip with our Youth Group students for tomorrow. I try and do as much as possible before chemo on Wednesday because I'll be down for several days. Each treatment gets longer and longer that I am "down". Anyway through this scheduling I started attacking myself in all different areas in ministry. I long to be connected with these girls but this stupid thing called cancer puts a hiccup in my step. Scheduling, length of shopping, connecting, holding hour long conversations all sound exhausting but my heart is bursting for them at the same time. Its really hard and stressful on me mentally to have to pick and choose what is right.
So at this point my emotions are already all over the place. Then the thought of getting my house ready AGAIN for Wednesday, Meals planned, Fridge filled, kids clothes washed, clean house and bills paid exhausts me some more. lol.
I finally got out of my bed, played some Wii with the kids and Cory and then did a devotional with Bella while Cory did his devotional with Isaac. It was really good. We got them new devotionals for Christmas Boy & Girl ones of course and they are really enjoying them. Its a blessing to read bible stories about women of God and then hear my daughter read. We read Psalms 26 tonight. We were only supposed to read one verse, but the sound of her reading to me was too good to stop so she kept going. Then she prayed. She asked God to please make her mom feel better because she loves her very very much. It was precious.
Cory took the kids to bed and when they were both out of my room I started to cry some more. Isaac came back in (unexpected) and he got really nervous and asked what happened when he saw my tears. Just something in my eye buddy, I'll be fine. There are times when he can see me cry, but right before bed is not one of them. I know my son and I know that he will lay there and ponder it. Its not something I want him to worry about.
Cory came in and there I let it loose. After dumping my entire set of emotions on him once again, he said "what do you want to do about it?" I disregarded the question and broke out into a deeper breakdown and cried out "What did I miss, where in the world did this come from, how did I get it" and on and on I went over the same questions I have been asking myself for 5 months. Cory was pretty silent and just held me as he knows works best for me. He never got the answer to his question but he told me I should blog and that I need more friends on the days leading up to chemo. LOL. Its funny to hear his solution to a problem.
Anyway, I listented and I decided to journal (Blog). SOmetimes I feel like its a whine fest and maybe it is, but its my outlet. Its why I created it. I don't ever want anyone to think each day is a bowl full of cherries or that each day is a torture chamber, but it varies. We received several gift cards for Christmas so I will be planning a nice long date night for the two of us. Dinner, Movie and Ice Cream. I can't wait for it.
Lots of new side effects have started and that is always a constant reminder of the change in my body which triggers emotions as well.
I just ask for prayer for my marriage, my health of course and that God will fill me up with peace before my next treatment.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Looking Forward
So as Christmas comes to a close and I look onto my next AND LAST Big Red treatment on Wednesday, the light at the end of this tunnel gets brighter. Im excited to have completed BIG RED on Wednesday. Then I start my next round which is Taxol. Less nausea but a new side effect of some bone pain. Im a bit anxious to start a new medicine, and to map out my "side effects" all over again. On Big Red, I know for about 4 days, Im wiped out, but Im not sure what to expect with this treatment. Im trying not to think toO much about it, and to just concentrate and appreciate that my last BIG RED treatment is over. I pray I never have to meet up with him again.
As far as my health goes. Im feeling great, with some side effects. LOL Im tired of course, and the hustle and bustle of Christmas has me WORN OUT but Im still able to do the things I want to do which is a plus!
Some side effects are a lack of taste (food tastes different than before) runny, watery eyes, and sadly my nose hairs are fading away which is causing some burning in my nose, because my nose is runny, and its not protected as it should be. Its annoying and inconvienent but nothing to whine about, although my family would say I whine. :)
Im looking forward to 2011! This year was tough for us. Im excited to bring in the New Year however I will be down from my treatment so I wont be celebrating that night, but I do have great goals for 2011. Even though I wont be done with chemo until 2012, I hope to work on some online classes for my district Pastoral license, go to summer camp with my Jr. Highers and enjoy my hair as it grows back after the Taxol.
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! I pray a special blessing on all of you for a WONDERFUL, HEALTHY 2011!
As far as my health goes. Im feeling great, with some side effects. LOL Im tired of course, and the hustle and bustle of Christmas has me WORN OUT but Im still able to do the things I want to do which is a plus!
Some side effects are a lack of taste (food tastes different than before) runny, watery eyes, and sadly my nose hairs are fading away which is causing some burning in my nose, because my nose is runny, and its not protected as it should be. Its annoying and inconvienent but nothing to whine about, although my family would say I whine. :)
Im looking forward to 2011! This year was tough for us. Im excited to bring in the New Year however I will be down from my treatment so I wont be celebrating that night, but I do have great goals for 2011. Even though I wont be done with chemo until 2012, I hope to work on some online classes for my district Pastoral license, go to summer camp with my Jr. Highers and enjoy my hair as it grows back after the Taxol.
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! I pray a special blessing on all of you for a WONDERFUL, HEALTHY 2011!
Christmas 2010
Wow what a GREAT CHRISTMAS. Im sad that its over. I love this season of caroling, baking, tons of family gatherings, AMAZING food, gifts of course and the warm cozy feeling of childhood memories BUT most of all, I LOVE the fact that we have salvation throuegth Jesus Christ which is the true meaning of Christmas. Everything else that tries to cover Him up might make us happy in the moment, but its eternal life that we need to focus on and that is why I love Christmas.
We went to church at 6:00 and had an amazing turnout. Bella and Isaac got to do a solo and they sounded beautiful. It was a true blessing to worship together with my church family as well as my immediate family. We did our usual traditional Christmas Eve at my house with tons of presents, and lots of good laughs and we can't forget the food. Yummy Italian food made by mom.
Elisa, me, Bella, Alona, Lisette
Asleep under the tree waiting for the big arrival on Christmas morning.
Christmas morning was great. Bella got to wake up to her art table, Isaac woke up to his scooter plus tons of other gifts from family and friends. After we opened gifts, we prayed and thanked God for this blessing to even have gifts. I never want my kids to overlook how "spoiled" they are. Today we just lounged around all day playing with all the fun stuff the kids got. Plus we got awesome Wii games that Cory and I are able to play. That is always a plus.
Bella waking up to her art table. She has made atleast 7 pictures today. LOL
His ultimate scooter that he has been wanting. It does fancy tricks. LOL
My #1 mom keychain from Bella
The aftermath
Christmas Eve
Christmas Eve Dinner
Journey JEREMIAH 29:11
Nutcracker 2010
I had the blessing of taking Bella to the Nutcracker this year. Here are some pictures that I promised earlier.
Amy and I wanted to be ballerina's after the show. This was our debut. LOL
Auntie & Bella
Bella
Elisa and Bella. Best Cousins
Me, Mom and Lisette
Thursday, December 23, 2010
My Personalized Christmas Gift (Absence of Time)
I received my Christmas gift today. Cory thinks he bought it for me, but truly I did everything. He probably doesn't even know I have it. LOL
Steampunk, vintage watch, and antique inspired wearable art designed and crafted by Chris Terhaar. http://www.facebook.com/absenceoftime
Absenceoftime@gmail.com
I asked Chris to put two stones in my ring. Pink of course to represent Breast Cancer Awareness and the other Purple. Not only is that my favorite color but it also represents Survivorship. The ring is gorgeous and I love it! Thanks Chris!
Steampunk, vintage watch, and antique inspired wearable art designed and crafted by Chris Terhaar. http://www.facebook.com/absenceoftime
Absenceoftime@gmail.com
I asked Chris to put two stones in my ring. Pink of course to represent Breast Cancer Awareness and the other Purple. Not only is that my favorite color but it also represents Survivorship. The ring is gorgeous and I love it! Thanks Chris!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Answered Prayers for INSURANCE
Thank you all so much for adding me to your prayer list last night and today. God answered those prayers and once again I fit the "O Ye of Little Faith" category. Last night I fell asleep in tears and woke up at 4:30am with my mind racing and my heart heavy. I spent time in prayer and at one point I said to God "I just feel so weak and troubled I don't even have the motivation to ask for help" I love being honest with God.
At about 9:30am I put a second call into my oncologist office to speak with the biller hoping she can help me figure out what to do during my "spenddown" month. I left a message for her and she called me back. Here is basically how the conversation went.
"Gabbee this is Terri. I got your message and before I even start to explain how the process will happen I want you to know that you dont have a thing to worry about. My job is to make sure that you are covered with all of your treatment and prescriptions when insurance lapses. You will hit your $6000 very quickly and you will not have to pay a dime out of pocket for medication or prescription because we will take care of you and work it out so that you have all of your medication regardless of your coverage. I will take care of all your bills and send it to the insurance until you meet your spenddown and when this happens again in 6 months, we will do the same thing. We want you to enjoy your Christmas and not to worry about a thing" PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My response to her was this "Terri, I have had a team of people praying for this answer. Thank you so much for your help and for delivering this message to me today so that I can enjoy the week with my family and not have to worry about my treatment. Tonight I can sleep and allow my mind to be at peace."
I was so thankful for her call. I was reminded once again how little faith I have. We worry because we are human but Jesus has never failed me before, and He isn't going to start now. Then He isn't who He says He is.
Thank you so much for all your prayers! I was able to enjoy the rest of my day today and even got to see the Nutcracker today with Bella, My mom, sister, niece and friend Amy. I got dressed up, wore my wig and beautified myself. LOL. It was a great day. God is Good.
At about 9:30am I put a second call into my oncologist office to speak with the biller hoping she can help me figure out what to do during my "spenddown" month. I left a message for her and she called me back. Here is basically how the conversation went.
"Gabbee this is Terri. I got your message and before I even start to explain how the process will happen I want you to know that you dont have a thing to worry about. My job is to make sure that you are covered with all of your treatment and prescriptions when insurance lapses. You will hit your $6000 very quickly and you will not have to pay a dime out of pocket for medication or prescription because we will take care of you and work it out so that you have all of your medication regardless of your coverage. I will take care of all your bills and send it to the insurance until you meet your spenddown and when this happens again in 6 months, we will do the same thing. We want you to enjoy your Christmas and not to worry about a thing" PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My response to her was this "Terri, I have had a team of people praying for this answer. Thank you so much for your help and for delivering this message to me today so that I can enjoy the week with my family and not have to worry about my treatment. Tonight I can sleep and allow my mind to be at peace."
I was so thankful for her call. I was reminded once again how little faith I have. We worry because we are human but Jesus has never failed me before, and He isn't going to start now. Then He isn't who He says He is.
More pics to come.
Thank you so much for all your prayers! I was able to enjoy the rest of my day today and even got to see the Nutcracker today with Bella, My mom, sister, niece and friend Amy. I got dressed up, wore my wig and beautified myself. LOL. It was a great day. God is Good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)