This time next week, my prayer, my hearts desire is to write my final blog post titled NED. "My" plan is to write my last post and print my blog out for my family keepsake. Most of the posts over the past two years were melancholy, filled with grief and sadness, but it was also a big part of my life that I will obviously never forget. I have scars on my body that will always remind me of what I went through.
Tomorrow I get my pet scan that was ordered after my last treatment in March. It took way too long for the referral to get done, but here it is. I didn't push it because honestly, I don't want to go. I don't want to visit any place that brings me back to the world of cancer. I thought I would be one of the biggest cancer supporters and of course I am to others, but pink ribbons, oncology, breast surgeons and wigs make my stomach turn. Im just so happy to be in the place I am in, that I don't want reminders of where I was. At least not those moments.
However I do have great moments through my journey. I NEVER felt more loved than when I went through cancer. The love that was shown to me and my family was incredible. The support both emotionally, physically and financially was something that I could never have dreamed of. The amazing doctors I had holding my hand through it. My family, my friends, walking with me on this journey will never be forgotten. My kids, loving me bald, sick and pale. My amazing husband who has made me feel more beautiful through cancer, than I ever have in our marriage of 12 years. He knows how to respect me, love me unconditionally and most of all he holds me when I need it most. Cory, I love you and I thank you for holding to our wedding vows. For better or worse.
The most amazing part? I grew closer to Christ through this all when I assumed I would fall away from Him. I have grown leaps and bounds in my faith, my walk and my personal relationship with Him. One moment I remember is being on my knees begging Him for healing. There is something about being on your knees at His feet. It was a moment I will never forget.
I am not afraid of cancer. I am not afraid of dying. My fear is cancer interrupting my life because I am happy. I am content. I have learned a lot in the past two years and I finally want to put it to good use. My first diagnosis (and hopefully my last) was filled with fear. This time when I think about cancer returning I think about interruption, inconvenience. I thank God that I do not have fear but I need to find rest that my life will be planned out the way its supposed to be.
I look forward to writing my final NED post. I look forward to sharing that moment with you.
Please pray with me that my scan is negative. Not even a trace. Not even a spec. Nothing!
In one week my baby girl turns 8. In one month I hit two years that I heard those words "breast cancer". Its a crazy month, however I plan to celebrate it CANCER FREE!
