Saturday, July 31, 2010

July 31st 2010

Today sucked. I have been crying on and off all day and I dont know how I should feel. I got 4 hours of sleep last night and I was a zombie.

I mopped the floor and cried, I checked my facebook and cried. I would look at my husband and cry. I couldn't figure it all out. I was so tired that I just wanted to sleep, but my mind wont let me.

I thought that it would be a good idea to take the family out for a movie. So we went to go see "Toy Story 3". I couldn't concentrate. My anxiety was so obnoxious that I couldn't contain myself. I was shaking and Cory was just trying to hold me still.

I dont know what I am to feel right now, but I feel infected. I feel invaded. I feel anger at myself for not cataching this sooner. I feel anger for not praying harder. I question every piece of food that I have put into my body, every drink, every piece of chocolate. Im obsessing and Im making myself crazy.

I took a sleeping pill just so I can sleep. Otherwise I will be the worst mother and wife in the world. I just love my kids but I am so irritable right now too. :(

Im going to try and get some sleep. Goodnight.

Friday July 30th 2010

I felt pain after the biopsy. I texted my husband asking him to come home early if he could. I was just so anxious, in pain and restless and I really wanted someone there with me. I went to pick the kids up from school at 3:45. We got home about 4:00 and started to settle in for the weekend. I had a friend that was coming by to adopt one of our kittens so I was sitting on the couch in the front room waiting for him to come. I started to play solitare on my phone when it was interuppted by my husband calling me. I looked at the time 4:09 and my thought was "oh wow, he got to come home early". I answered the phone and I heard "Gabbee....we got your results in the office" (Cory works at my doctors office and the doctor gave him a choice to call me) and so I proceeded to say "Ok, and?" and he said "um, I got the results and um, the biopsy came back positive for  cancer" I said "are you playing a joke on me?" My husband KNOWS better. :)

Anyway, my hands started trembling and my head was spinning and I felt like I was going to vomit. First....HOW did they get the results back in less than 24 hours and WHAT? I HAVE CANCER? I called my family and friends and within minutes I had dinner cooking, friends and family holding me, my house being cleaned, groceries being bought and I was just sitting. Spinning.

That night was crazy. I couldn't even think. My husband and I were up till 2am crying, praying, laughing and sitting in silence. We needed it. I finally fell asleep. Tomorrow is a new day.

July 29th 2010

Time for the biopsy. I was scared. The doctor took 9 samples of tissue to test out. They told me that it would take 2-3 days for the results. Torture I thought, however my prayer was that his would all be so clear! And God granted me that prayer.

July 26th 2010

Today I went to get an ultrasound. When I checked in at the SMIL womens medical center they informed me that they had a protocol for women age 29 or older that they should get a mammogram. PRAISE THE LORD! I was scared by that word, but I was also thankful they offered that AND offered me another 40% discount and would bill me for the $220.00 cost for the mammogram. I went in for the mammogram and after I was done the tech called me back in. "Mam, the doctor has noticed some calisification spots so she would like me to take more views". Well..thats all you need to say to me at this point for me to know my worst fear was unraveling. After MANY mammo shots, they sent me into ultrasound. After a few pictures there I heard "Mam, I will be right back, Im going to grab the doctor". I really know what is going on. That is when I asked Jesus to sit on the bed with me and hold my hand because this was going to be a bumpy road. The doctor came in, looked around, took more pictures and said "I have some concern with the calisification spots and mass, so I would like to do a biopsy". I left the room, changed back into my clothes and waited for my consultation. We got called back in and I broke down. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I just broke. That is what I needed at that moment. She went over the procedure and scheduled my appointment. We left, we cried in the car and called the family. I asked "Lord, what is this road I am on?"

July 23rd 2010

2 months ago while taking a shower, I felt a lump in my breast. Of course my first thought was panic. My second thought was to control my emotions and its probably nothing. For 2 monthsI felt this lump and I ignored it with a worry in the back of my head that its really something scary. It would get bigger and I would ask my husband to feel it, hoping he would diagnose me so that I felt better. His response "Go get it checked." I didn't. We also dont have insurance. The thought of having to pay out of pocket for medical costs just for it to be "benign" was frustrating. About 3 weeks ago, my very good friend Amy found a lump, got it checked out and had to get it removed. Thank Jesus is was benign. However that is when I got scared. I contemplated it for awhile longer and finally went to get a well women exam. I was concerned at this point. I was scared but only heard this comment "Your young, the chances are small and Im sure its benign". I got a well women exam and was referred to get an ultrasound (For precaution). This was Friday. My ultrasound was scheduled for Monday with an amazing 40% discount totaling it at $126.00