Before I start, I want to ask for prayer for my stepdad Joe. He passed out this morning twice, and my mom brought him to the ER, to find out that he has pnemonia and is anemic. He has to get a colonoscopy to rule out any dangerous factors on why he is anemic. Of course my mom is just full of worry, with the passing of her mom, her daughter having cancer and then to wait for test results on her husand is just overwhelming. Joe is starting to feel better since he has had an antibiotic drop since this morning. Next step is to pray hard for clear testing and negative results. He will get released tomorrow.
So here I go. I just was talking to someone yesterday about my blog. She mentioned that she is starting to see peace in the blog, which is so true. I am coming to a new point in my journey that has me more at peace with what I am going through. My least favorite times is the 4 days after chemo of course. That is when I am most down and depressed and feeling like POOP! Ive come to terms with my hair loss. It is what it is. However there are things that put me over the edge.
My fatigue. Not having the normal stamina that I once had. Decorating for Christmas usually took me a couple of hours and I could decorate more if needed. Yesterday I hung garland on the stairs, and that was it. I sat down and felt like I have been working all day. Its frustrating that I can't do what I normally have done.
My eyelashes. Seems strange that this bothers me, but it does. I have been putting masacra on and not taking it off because I wanted that to be the "glue" LOL However my idea isnt working anymore. I now have eyelashes with masacra falling into my eyes or just being stuck in mid air in my eyelashes. So I finally broke down today and took the masacra off and will just let them come out. (Yes I have fake ones ready to use)
Insomina. GRUGH. I hate it. Last night I got 4 hours of sleep. I could not sleep for the life of me. I finally fell asleep at 3am and thanks to Cory going into work late, he stayed home to get the kids ready so I can sleep in more. But then I was woken up by the phone call about my stepdad so, here I am on 4 hours sleep. For some people that is normal but not when you are on Chemo. LOL
Insurance. Oh how I hate thee. I love it, because I have it right now, but its time to qualify again. My anxiety is high because we barely qualified in the beginning and we only did because of Cory's panic attack which put him in the hospital and that put our medical bills above our income ratio. I sent in my application today and now I am waiting on the approval process again. Im anxious and worried, Im not going to pretend Im not. What would happen if I don't qualify? I can't even begin to think of that. Government insurance doesn't qualify you based on your health, they base it soley on your income. Here is the point that I wish we didn't make money? Ugh. All the bills that weren't covered by our insurance are piling up. Some have been paid down, but for the majority, all donations go to my income loss and medical expenses. It is on my list to apply for more grants through Susan G Komen and Brett Favre foundation but honestly sometimes that stuff overwhelms me. I did get a grant of $100 from the Cancer Society. Im not sure why its so little, but they asked me my stage of cancer. Because Im at a stage 1 I hope that wasn't a factor especially being that even though I was at a stage 1, my tumor was a stage 3 (most agressive). Go figure. But I will be happy with what I "earned".
At&T. I have a love/hate relationship with them right now too. They are fixing our local tower which puts my cell phone and internet card at a slow moving pace which affects my job at home. I couldn't work yesterday because my internet kept going out. The tower is to be fixed by Thursday. I already called them this morning crying AGAIN...to them threatening to call Channel 12. LOL They are willing to give me credit, update my equipment, but bottom line is, that there is nothing I can do until the tower is fixed on Thursday. GRUGH!
Needless to say, Im at a low this morning. Im just asking that you remember me in prayer today and the days to come.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thanksgiving Blessings
What a great blessing yesterday was. My energy level kept coming in and out, but we had Thanksgiving at my house so I had the choice to just rest when needed. and after dinner I took a short nap. I wasn't in charge of much, other than Cory's Birthday Cupcakes and My families famous sweet potatoe pie. We usually have holiday's at my mom's house and since we don't always have the room to fit all of our family at one table, we have to do buffet style and just sit in scattered groups. Its normally not a big deal, but this Thanksgiving was special for me. When we decided that all Holidays would be at my house this year because of my chemo, I really wanted to utulize my house space and have a sit down dinner. So, I have been planning my table setting for a while. Fine China, food served in pretty bowls as opposed to foil tins, and my favorite? My personalized center pieces filled with candy/sweets and a note to tell each person why I am thankful for them. Once we sat down, I couldn't hold back the tears as we raised our glasses and I said a blessing on the food and our time. I caught cancer early enough so that I would be here with my family. Yes, some things are different, no hair, process of reconstructive surgery and all the side effects that come with both. Im just so thankful that we had a great day and I plan to have a GREAT Christmas. Following are pics of our day. :) Enjoy
Yummy food!
My hubby and Me. I love him so.
Yay for my table setting.
I was super excited about our sparkling cider and red grape cider. LOL. We all got wine glasses. The kids totally dug that!!
Bella making Pumpkin Cake. First time making it and it was SO YUMMY!
Me, My Mom & Sister.
Happy Birthday Cory!
Cory cutting the turkey. He was well trained by his Dad.
Yummy food!
Elisa, Alona and Elsie
My hubby and Me. I love him so.
My mom and stepdad Joe.
Once again cuz Im obsessed.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Needs Prayer
I just wanted to send out a public prayer request.
Last night, about midnight I had stomach pains. Most likely due to my bad eating habits I had yesterday. Lets just say Sonic & McDonalds and Fiber cereal. LOL.
Anyway, at midnight Cory and I were in the living room watching TV & catching up on life and I literally fell to the floor with sharp pains in my stomach. Going up my back in my shoulders and in the heart of my stomach. Then nausea set in, which led me to start panicking and thinking all sorts of things, which led to a heavy chest, tight throat and feeling like I had no AIR! It was horrible.
Sitting on the floor, I had my eyes closed and I opened them to find that Cory within minutes went and got every pill we owned to try and figure out what was going on. I tried hard to listen to my body and figure out what was happening but I just kept scaring myself.
So I started with 3 tums. Waited a bit, then drank some water. Waited some more and the anxiety got worse. Took a Valium. Waited some more, took a prilosec. All this time Cory is rubbing my back, and here I was finding myself burping which gave me a sense of relief that yes it was heartburn/gas/indigestion but I got myself so freaked out, that I put myself in a panic attack. After about 30 minutes or so, I started to calm down and the pain started to subside. Cory moved me into the bedroom, got me snuggled in, and I fell asleep in his arms. That was about 1am and I woke up at 6:30 to get the kids ready for school.
Today, I panicked again..not sure why. Lack of sleep, feeling queezy just put my mind at a stress level again and so I called my chemo nurse. She walked me through and explained how to better gauge that in the future. I got really emotional after talking to her and started to cry. I had Hope and Lisette with me which helped me alot. Im so thankful for friends/Sister and their willingness to go through this CRAZY journey with me. I love them.
Anyway, please pray for me. Thank you for your support!!!
Last night, about midnight I had stomach pains. Most likely due to my bad eating habits I had yesterday. Lets just say Sonic & McDonalds and Fiber cereal. LOL.
Anyway, at midnight Cory and I were in the living room watching TV & catching up on life and I literally fell to the floor with sharp pains in my stomach. Going up my back in my shoulders and in the heart of my stomach. Then nausea set in, which led me to start panicking and thinking all sorts of things, which led to a heavy chest, tight throat and feeling like I had no AIR! It was horrible.
Sitting on the floor, I had my eyes closed and I opened them to find that Cory within minutes went and got every pill we owned to try and figure out what was going on. I tried hard to listen to my body and figure out what was happening but I just kept scaring myself.
So I started with 3 tums. Waited a bit, then drank some water. Waited some more and the anxiety got worse. Took a Valium. Waited some more, took a prilosec. All this time Cory is rubbing my back, and here I was finding myself burping which gave me a sense of relief that yes it was heartburn/gas/indigestion but I got myself so freaked out, that I put myself in a panic attack. After about 30 minutes or so, I started to calm down and the pain started to subside. Cory moved me into the bedroom, got me snuggled in, and I fell asleep in his arms. That was about 1am and I woke up at 6:30 to get the kids ready for school.
Today, I panicked again..not sure why. Lack of sleep, feeling queezy just put my mind at a stress level again and so I called my chemo nurse. She walked me through and explained how to better gauge that in the future. I got really emotional after talking to her and started to cry. I had Hope and Lisette with me which helped me alot. Im so thankful for friends/Sister and their willingness to go through this CRAZY journey with me. I love them.
Anyway, please pray for me. Thank you for your support!!!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Gabbee is Back
Hi All....Before I start my blog for today, I wanted to send a PUBLIC THANK YOU once again to the recent donations and meals. There is no better thing than laying in bed feeling crappy and receiving text notifications that I received a Paypal donation. Some from people I don't even know. Thank You SO MUCH! God has provided from day 1 through you all. Thank you so much. Food...yes oh how I love food! Cooking is the furtherst from my mind and my husbands as well. We are so spoiled by our neighbors with dinners the few days following chemo and it means SO MUCH! I hope you truly know how thankful I am for these blessings.
Now to recent business. This time around, Saturday was my worst day. I had such low energy, I couldn't help but fall into a "I'm done with chemo (once again) and can't do this anymore" mode. I sat in bed and watched movies and finally shut off the TV and started to write in my prayer journal. I cried out to God. I felt like David in Psalms, one minute asking "why" the next minute praising Him for all the good that He has done through this. It truly was a journal of my thoughts. I looked back at my entry that day and it ended with "Im so tired, please Lord give me the strength, give me encouragement." After I laid there pondering my thoughts and watching my bedroom drapes blow in the wind (yes very movie like) I called in my husband from the garage (I texted him actually) and he sat on the recliner and said "what can I do for you"? I started to cry asking him "why" and "this is not what I signed up for" and "maybe it was a mistake" and "I feel so weak" and "what do you think my doctor will say if I made an appointment to quit"? At first he started giving me textbook answers and then instead of arguing because I wasn't getting the response I wanted, I said "your not helping me right now, I need you to be real" and so he was. He reminded me of everything that I needed to be reminded of. He reminded me of why I am on chemo. He reminded me of how loved I am, and how much support I have and how I am fighting for my two kids, and that I was better in a few days last treatment and the happy road of being "cancer free" will be like and it could be worse, and to think of all my blessings...on and on and on. After he was done, I got up, took a shower and went to a going away party that night and had FUN. The next day I went to church and a ministry event and today I am off my nausea pills. GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME.
I realized that no medicine, no doctor, no friend or family can take away your pain or heal you. God is the ultimate healer and YES he uses medicine and people with medical wisdom to heal us, but when we rely on Him, the medicine seems SO SMALL compared to what He can do. Im so thankful that He is my Cancer Doctor.
Today I noticed something else. As I was sitting in my room alone, quiet house, getting frustrated over the irritating hairs on my head that were falling out, on my hat, my hands, my shoulders and my neck I remembered something else that my husband said a week or so ago. "We might need to duct tape your head." So I went into the garage, grabbed the duct tape and YES...applied it to my head and off my stubbles came. Didn't hurt a bit. Actually I didn't feel it at all. Its just dead hair. I got up to look in the mirror and noticed that I wasn't doing a very good job. LOL. I now had bald spots all over. (Carla and Amy came over and finished the job later on). I laid out the strips of duct tape on my bathroom counter and of course took a picture to send to Cory and my sister, but as I sat there and pondered those strips of hair on the tape, I realized...WOW...God knows the number of hairs on our head (and I have ALOT OF HAIR)...and the cool thing is? He knows MY number. He knited me together in my mother's womb. My God is SO BIG. SO BIG that I can't fathom but once again, I doubted and was reminded of how GREAT HE IS and although at times we don't understand why, He comforts us all the way through. Never leaves us nor forsakes us.
Im so thankful that through this storm, I can still praise Him and not ponder on doubting Him. The questions may come and go as to Why...but never will I question if He has my hand through the storm.
Now to recent business. This time around, Saturday was my worst day. I had such low energy, I couldn't help but fall into a "I'm done with chemo (once again) and can't do this anymore" mode. I sat in bed and watched movies and finally shut off the TV and started to write in my prayer journal. I cried out to God. I felt like David in Psalms, one minute asking "why" the next minute praising Him for all the good that He has done through this. It truly was a journal of my thoughts. I looked back at my entry that day and it ended with "Im so tired, please Lord give me the strength, give me encouragement." After I laid there pondering my thoughts and watching my bedroom drapes blow in the wind (yes very movie like) I called in my husband from the garage (I texted him actually) and he sat on the recliner and said "what can I do for you"? I started to cry asking him "why" and "this is not what I signed up for" and "maybe it was a mistake" and "I feel so weak" and "what do you think my doctor will say if I made an appointment to quit"? At first he started giving me textbook answers and then instead of arguing because I wasn't getting the response I wanted, I said "your not helping me right now, I need you to be real" and so he was. He reminded me of everything that I needed to be reminded of. He reminded me of why I am on chemo. He reminded me of how loved I am, and how much support I have and how I am fighting for my two kids, and that I was better in a few days last treatment and the happy road of being "cancer free" will be like and it could be worse, and to think of all my blessings...on and on and on. After he was done, I got up, took a shower and went to a going away party that night and had FUN. The next day I went to church and a ministry event and today I am off my nausea pills. GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME.
I realized that no medicine, no doctor, no friend or family can take away your pain or heal you. God is the ultimate healer and YES he uses medicine and people with medical wisdom to heal us, but when we rely on Him, the medicine seems SO SMALL compared to what He can do. Im so thankful that He is my Cancer Doctor.
Today I noticed something else. As I was sitting in my room alone, quiet house, getting frustrated over the irritating hairs on my head that were falling out, on my hat, my hands, my shoulders and my neck I remembered something else that my husband said a week or so ago. "We might need to duct tape your head." So I went into the garage, grabbed the duct tape and YES...applied it to my head and off my stubbles came. Didn't hurt a bit. Actually I didn't feel it at all. Its just dead hair. I got up to look in the mirror and noticed that I wasn't doing a very good job. LOL. I now had bald spots all over. (Carla and Amy came over and finished the job later on). I laid out the strips of duct tape on my bathroom counter and of course took a picture to send to Cory and my sister, but as I sat there and pondered those strips of hair on the tape, I realized...WOW...God knows the number of hairs on our head (and I have ALOT OF HAIR)...and the cool thing is? He knows MY number. He knited me together in my mother's womb. My God is SO BIG. SO BIG that I can't fathom but once again, I doubted and was reminded of how GREAT HE IS and although at times we don't understand why, He comforts us all the way through. Never leaves us nor forsakes us.
Im so thankful that through this storm, I can still praise Him and not ponder on doubting Him. The questions may come and go as to Why...but never will I question if He has my hand through the storm.
Friday, November 19, 2010
2nd Treatment Update
Well, once again I hate cancer, and I hate chemo. Im trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel but its so hard. I told my sister today that I know I will feel better in a few days and be normal (my new normal) again but right now, laying in bed and feeling so queezy is not something I can ever become fond of. I've been in bed pretty much all day. Thank God for my sister who stayed with me all day. She fed me breakfast, snacks, drinks, lunch, dinner, ran to the grocery store, picked up the kids and did all the dirty dishes that my family left behind. :) She was very happy about that. LOL!
This treatment is different from the last. Or maybe I just dont remember it. But Im more nauseous in a different kind of way and Im not as hungry as I was last time but Im still hungry. Im way more tired than last treatment. I got up to take a shower once and I sat down in my closet and then got up and crawled right into bed. I tried again about 3 hours later and finally achomplished a shower. I got dressed and started picking up around my bedroom. That lasted about 5 minutes then I plopped on the bed. That is so hard for me. To not have the energy that I crave. I know it will be back soon, but whew what a change.
About 12:00 I got up and told my sister "I can only lay in bed for so long, I have to do something" so I got up and started doing my thanksgiving centerpiece boxes. I completed 8, then decided to send a few emails and then I literally crashed at the table. I put my head down and said "I have to go lay down" and I stayed there for 3 hours. Yes, frustrating.
Smells bother me more this time around. I knew this was a side effect but I didn't feel it yet. My all time favorite candle scent "pumpkin pie" from Gold Canyon was being lit in my house and I got up and had to blow the candle out. :( That makes me sad. My husband offered me a brownie and ice cream and I motioned him to stop asking because that makes me want to barf. My mouth is so dry and I have a bad after taste everytime I eat. Gum helps alot. It puts the moisture back and gets rid of this after taste. Yuck.
So..there are all the negative things about chemo. The positive? Im 2 treatments closer to becoming cancer free.
Update on my NY Trip. I had generous offers, but after my family & friends talked to me, reality of the trip set in. Flying 5 hours, a 2 hour time difference and flying 3000 miles for a full day trip will set me back so I chose to stay home. I will be on Skype for the fundraiser Night which I am excited to do. :)
Nighty Night.
This treatment is different from the last. Or maybe I just dont remember it. But Im more nauseous in a different kind of way and Im not as hungry as I was last time but Im still hungry. Im way more tired than last treatment. I got up to take a shower once and I sat down in my closet and then got up and crawled right into bed. I tried again about 3 hours later and finally achomplished a shower. I got dressed and started picking up around my bedroom. That lasted about 5 minutes then I plopped on the bed. That is so hard for me. To not have the energy that I crave. I know it will be back soon, but whew what a change.
About 12:00 I got up and told my sister "I can only lay in bed for so long, I have to do something" so I got up and started doing my thanksgiving centerpiece boxes. I completed 8, then decided to send a few emails and then I literally crashed at the table. I put my head down and said "I have to go lay down" and I stayed there for 3 hours. Yes, frustrating.
Smells bother me more this time around. I knew this was a side effect but I didn't feel it yet. My all time favorite candle scent "pumpkin pie" from Gold Canyon was being lit in my house and I got up and had to blow the candle out. :( That makes me sad. My husband offered me a brownie and ice cream and I motioned him to stop asking because that makes me want to barf. My mouth is so dry and I have a bad after taste everytime I eat. Gum helps alot. It puts the moisture back and gets rid of this after taste. Yuck.
So..there are all the negative things about chemo. The positive? Im 2 treatments closer to becoming cancer free.
Update on my NY Trip. I had generous offers, but after my family & friends talked to me, reality of the trip set in. Flying 5 hours, a 2 hour time difference and flying 3000 miles for a full day trip will set me back so I chose to stay home. I will be on Skype for the fundraiser Night which I am excited to do. :)
Nighty Night.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Looking for Help
Hi All,
As you seen in my earlier post, there will be a fundraiser in my name in NY on Tuesday, Nov 23rd. We are having a great response and it means a lot to me that my childhood friends from 15+ years ago are doing in this my honor especially when Facebook has been our only contact in so many years. I would LOVE to fly out there for 2 days to be present during the event. I have been researching flights and of course they are CRAZY expensive.
So..I was wondering if there is anyone out there that has connections with flights/points/rewards that they would be wiling to allow me to use (Sale or Donation).
If you know of anyone, please let me know! Thank you so much in advance!
Facebook me or email me at bagbyfamily@hotmail.com
As you seen in my earlier post, there will be a fundraiser in my name in NY on Tuesday, Nov 23rd. We are having a great response and it means a lot to me that my childhood friends from 15+ years ago are doing in this my honor especially when Facebook has been our only contact in so many years. I would LOVE to fly out there for 2 days to be present during the event. I have been researching flights and of course they are CRAZY expensive.
So..I was wondering if there is anyone out there that has connections with flights/points/rewards that they would be wiling to allow me to use (Sale or Donation).
If you know of anyone, please let me know! Thank you so much in advance!
Facebook me or email me at bagbyfamily@hotmail.com
New York Island Fundraiser In My Name
Im overwhelmed to know that my childhood/school friends are hosting a Fundraiser for Me 3000 miles away in Staten Island. Im in tears in knowing how awesome this is. To think that 15 or more years later, my friends still remain my friends through good and bad. As I remember riding bikes, sledding, hanging out causing trouble HAHA, now we are fundraising to support me through my breast cancer battle. Thank you Diana! This means the world to me.
Check below for the information! I hope all my friends/family can attend this event! I wish I could be there, but please know I will be there in spirit and can't wait to see pictures!
Hello Everyone. On behalf of my company F2K Entertainment, The Marina Cafe and Gabbee we would like you to join us for a "Night For Gabbee" We all remeber Gabbee in our own little way. Lets show her our support miles away. Lets take it back to the child hood years and show all our good times. I have attached her Blog which you can read so you have an idea on her struggle. Don't miss it Marina Cafe $10.00 (Donation to Gabbee) admission will include 1 free drink 1 free raffle ticket towards a marina cafe gift certificate and Unlimted Orderves. We will have raffles and of course a 50/50. There will be Happy Hour prices at the Bar all night long.
Check below for the information! I hope all my friends/family can attend this event! I wish I could be there, but please know I will be there in spirit and can't wait to see pictures!
Hello Everyone. On behalf of my company F2K Entertainment, The Marina Cafe and Gabbee we would like you to join us for a "Night For Gabbee" We all remeber Gabbee in our own little way. Lets show her our support miles away. Lets take it back to the child hood years and show all our good times. I have attached her Blog which you can read so you have an idea on her struggle. Don't miss it Marina Cafe $10.00 (Donation to Gabbee) admission will include 1 free drink 1 free raffle ticket towards a marina cafe gift certificate and Unlimted Orderves. We will have raffles and of course a 50/50. There will be Happy Hour prices at the Bar all night long.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
How does one prepare themselves?
Here I am again. Time for my next chemo treatment tomorrow. I had to go get my blood drawn so they can see if Im "good" to get my chemo again. I got to speak with my chemo nurse and she asked me how I did these past 3 weeks. I said "actually, I did pretty good, can you make it happen that way again?" LOL She laughed and said she would try.
I was running around all day trying to get things done before the treatment and I wondered. How do you prepare to be sick again. When we get sick, we really don't know and just go with the flow, but I know that I will be feeling icky again. It so weird to try and prepare your mind mentally for it.
Im really praying for an "easy breezy beautiful chemo girl" reaction once again. I have some events that I want to be at this weekend, and Im praying that it doesn't bring me down too much and I can participate in them. LOL..I know what you are thinking but I can't help it.
My appointment is at 10:40 tomorrow. One of my besties Rachelle is coming to visit me during chemo. Cory is going to run errands during that time and Rachelle and I will just get to chat away.
Please join me in praying for me and my reaction to the second round. Pray for strentgh, no anxiety, mild symptoms and NO NAUSEA.
Thank you so much!!!
I was running around all day trying to get things done before the treatment and I wondered. How do you prepare to be sick again. When we get sick, we really don't know and just go with the flow, but I know that I will be feeling icky again. It so weird to try and prepare your mind mentally for it.
Im really praying for an "easy breezy beautiful chemo girl" reaction once again. I have some events that I want to be at this weekend, and Im praying that it doesn't bring me down too much and I can participate in them. LOL..I know what you are thinking but I can't help it.
My appointment is at 10:40 tomorrow. One of my besties Rachelle is coming to visit me during chemo. Cory is going to run errands during that time and Rachelle and I will just get to chat away.
Please join me in praying for me and my reaction to the second round. Pray for strentgh, no anxiety, mild symptoms and NO NAUSEA.
Thank you so much!!!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Your Hands
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Secret Sister
I have the best secret sister! A few months ago a bunch of the ladies from church signed up to be a secret sister to one another. Of course its a secret so I don't know who she is, but she is awesome. I almost feel bad for her, because she got my name before I was diagnosed LOL but she has done such a great job. Whenever I need a sweet note, scripture, spa pedicure, chocolate..she is there.
Today I got another great gift but what stood out to me was the card. It was great and so I wanted to share it with you what the card read. (Author Ellen Brenneman)
"I know you trust in God, so I wont preach about knowing He's there for us all the more when we need Him most. And I know you have the wisdom to see through cliche's and pat answers, so I wont offer any easy advice. Instead, what I do want to offer is a gentle reminder of just how much strength you have inside...I've seen it and so has everyone who knows you. I hope you can feel God's presence and power in a personal way right now and I hope you can feel the caring, understanding and support thats going out to you from my heart."
What a perfect card! Im not sure where she found it, but it was perfect.
Thank you to my secret sister for always being there when I need that special something. :)
Today I got another great gift but what stood out to me was the card. It was great and so I wanted to share it with you what the card read. (Author Ellen Brenneman)
"I know you trust in God, so I wont preach about knowing He's there for us all the more when we need Him most. And I know you have the wisdom to see through cliche's and pat answers, so I wont offer any easy advice. Instead, what I do want to offer is a gentle reminder of just how much strength you have inside...I've seen it and so has everyone who knows you. I hope you can feel God's presence and power in a personal way right now and I hope you can feel the caring, understanding and support thats going out to you from my heart."
What a perfect card! Im not sure where she found it, but it was perfect.
Thank you to my secret sister for always being there when I need that special something. :)
Friday, November 12, 2010
Broken Hearted
Some of you have heard me say that I was going to write a book called "What NOT to say to a cancer patient" and I hope to do that someday. My husband made it in my future book (Sorry Cory) and tonight my son has as well. Except his remark went straight to the gut as opposed to my mind.
Overall the day was pretty good. Pretty normal. Kids came home from school, made dinner and then we sat down to watch "Diary of a wimpy kid" Great movie by the way. Well if you have or haven't seen it, there is a part in the movie where Greg (wimpy kid) has a mommy/son dance flier from school but throws it away because he doesn't want to go. His big brother Rodrick found it and showed his mom (just to be a butthead) and of course the mom was EXCITED to go to the dance. Greg was not happy about it, but now didn't have the choice. LOL.
I jokingly said to Isaac "Aw, would you go to a mommy/son dance with me?" And Isaac's response? "Not if you are bald I wouldn't want to go" :( Ouch. I said "are you embarresed of me?" and he said "yes".
Now, normally, I wouldn't care if my 9 year old son made fun of my clothes, or make-up or shoes or whatever but the comment tonight took my stomach and flipped it a few times. I sat here, holding back the tears because I didn't want him to see me cry and then Cory pulled Isaac towards him and whispered in his ear. Not really sure what he said, I don't really care but at that point the tears started flowing so I went to my room to just let it out. During the movie I had my "night cap" on which is not the prettiest but its comfortable. I sat in my closet looking in the mirror crying my eyes out, because for the first time I was insecure. Thinking that my 9 yr old was embarresed of his mom. I sat there and realized that my night cap isn't so pretty so I put a new one on. I wiped away the tears and went back out to the couch.
Isaac went upstairs to get his jammies on and during that time Cory asked me if I was ok. Of course the tears started coming again and then Isaac came down. I got control but Isaac knew. He asked me twice if I was ok, before I answered him and finally I looked at him (now sobbing) and said "your comment about me really hurt my feelings, and I want you to know that I didn't choose to shave my head, this is something I can't control" and my poor boy broke down in tears. I continued to explain to him how I felt and he didn't argue or say anything. He even repeated himself and said that he can't help being embarresed. I told him I wasn't mad at him, and he has a right to feel this way but I am going through this because I have to not because I chose it.
I know that Isaac feels super bad but I also know that it doesn't change the way he feels. Its ok and I wouldn't want him to change only because I feel bad about it. I want him to be proud of me regardless of what I look like on his own.
This is all part of our journey as a family. Some days are better than others. This was not one of those days that I am fond of, but I can't deny reality.
Anyway I wish this wasn't my post today but my heart is broken and here it is.
Overall the day was pretty good. Pretty normal. Kids came home from school, made dinner and then we sat down to watch "Diary of a wimpy kid" Great movie by the way. Well if you have or haven't seen it, there is a part in the movie where Greg (wimpy kid) has a mommy/son dance flier from school but throws it away because he doesn't want to go. His big brother Rodrick found it and showed his mom (just to be a butthead) and of course the mom was EXCITED to go to the dance. Greg was not happy about it, but now didn't have the choice. LOL.
I jokingly said to Isaac "Aw, would you go to a mommy/son dance with me?" And Isaac's response? "Not if you are bald I wouldn't want to go" :( Ouch. I said "are you embarresed of me?" and he said "yes".
Now, normally, I wouldn't care if my 9 year old son made fun of my clothes, or make-up or shoes or whatever but the comment tonight took my stomach and flipped it a few times. I sat here, holding back the tears because I didn't want him to see me cry and then Cory pulled Isaac towards him and whispered in his ear. Not really sure what he said, I don't really care but at that point the tears started flowing so I went to my room to just let it out. During the movie I had my "night cap" on which is not the prettiest but its comfortable. I sat in my closet looking in the mirror crying my eyes out, because for the first time I was insecure. Thinking that my 9 yr old was embarresed of his mom. I sat there and realized that my night cap isn't so pretty so I put a new one on. I wiped away the tears and went back out to the couch.
Isaac went upstairs to get his jammies on and during that time Cory asked me if I was ok. Of course the tears started coming again and then Isaac came down. I got control but Isaac knew. He asked me twice if I was ok, before I answered him and finally I looked at him (now sobbing) and said "your comment about me really hurt my feelings, and I want you to know that I didn't choose to shave my head, this is something I can't control" and my poor boy broke down in tears. I continued to explain to him how I felt and he didn't argue or say anything. He even repeated himself and said that he can't help being embarresed. I told him I wasn't mad at him, and he has a right to feel this way but I am going through this because I have to not because I chose it.
I know that Isaac feels super bad but I also know that it doesn't change the way he feels. Its ok and I wouldn't want him to change only because I feel bad about it. I want him to be proud of me regardless of what I look like on his own.
This is all part of our journey as a family. Some days are better than others. This was not one of those days that I am fond of, but I can't deny reality.
Anyway I wish this wasn't my post today but my heart is broken and here it is.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
First day being bald
So today was not really any different than the day before however Im freezing all the time. My head is so cold I can't keep it warm enough. Im currently wearing a beanie, a scarf, a sweater, long sleeve shirt, pants, socks and slippers. Im COLD. I have had a hat on all day, but my head is itchy and I want it to be free. LOL. I go back and forth with a hat on or off but when its off its cold so back on goes the hat. I actually feel most comfortable with it off. More so than I thought. Its amazing what make-up and earrings can do for a girl. :)
I took some pics this morning. I had fun with it. Trying on different hats and wigs. I posted them for those that read my blog but are not on Facebook.
Thank you to everyone that donated wigs and hats. Its a whole new wardrobe that I needed!
Embracing the BALDNESS.
Casual Soccer Mom look courtesy of my Mommy
Comfy/Cozy knit hat especially made by my friend Megan.
Evening wear/sassy/sexy HaHa...Courtesy of Tiffany
Im ready to go skiing. :)
My grocery store/lounging around the house hat.
"All your protection under one roof"
I wanted to give a shout out to my American Family Agent Ty Schraufnagel here in Anthem area. Ty is supporting TEAM GABBEE by making a monetary donation for every Anthem Neighbor that stops by the office and mentions TEAM GABBEE by the end of the year!
Thank Ty!!!
Cory and I have never had good insurance. Just the basic to get us by. After Cory's recent car accident, we realized that getting cheap car insurance was not worth it when it comes to my family. Immediately after Cory got into the accident, we contacted Ty to discuss options for car insurance. We evaluated our situation and realized not only do we need just car insurance, but life insurance and other protection as well. I thank God everyday that we got life insurance before I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. He met with us for over an hour and was completely honest with us and really listened to our needs. Ty is not only our American Family agent but a friend.
If you are interested in contacting Ty check out the postcard below. And if you do...don't forget to mention TEAM GABBEE in support of my journey!
Thank Ty!!!
Cory and I have never had good insurance. Just the basic to get us by. After Cory's recent car accident, we realized that getting cheap car insurance was not worth it when it comes to my family. Immediately after Cory got into the accident, we contacted Ty to discuss options for car insurance. We evaluated our situation and realized not only do we need just car insurance, but life insurance and other protection as well. I thank God everyday that we got life insurance before I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. He met with us for over an hour and was completely honest with us and really listened to our needs. Ty is not only our American Family agent but a friend.
If you are interested in contacting Ty check out the postcard below. And if you do...don't forget to mention TEAM GABBEE in support of my journey!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
G.I. Jane
Right after my rinse off in the shower with my hairdresser Sara!
Just to give you an idea of the amounts I was pulling out at a time. Not fun.
Well today was the day. I had no clue actually. I truly did think that I was going to make it to my next treatment with a full head of hair. But that obviously wasn't the case.
I have noticed my hair coming out here and there, but nothing to make me say "its time" until yesterday when I had such pain on my scalp, just from my hair moving around. I took Ibprofun because it hurt. That may sound sissy but man, it was uncomfortable and irritating on my head. I didn't know that was the "start" of it.
Today I took a shower, and it was normal this morning especially since I check all the time. Cory and I ran some errands Picked up the kids while Cory worked on the garage and then we just hung out outside and the kids rode their bikes.
Two of the teens from our youth group Layton and Alona drove past our house. We just chatted for awhile and then Layton asked me "so are you losing your hair yet"? I went and pulled at my hair in the back prepared to show him that not much was coming out, when I had a chunk of hair in my hand. My face, his face and Alona's face were like a deer in headlights. Cory came walking over and I just started pulling from the back, the side, the front and it wouldn't stop coming out. I was in shock. The teens were in shock. Alona said "Gabbee I love you" because I dont think she knew what to say. LOL. Then she said "stop pulling it out" but I couldn't. I think I held it together in front of them as much as I could, and we really couldn't continue our conversation because we all didn't know what to say.
I called my sister to come over and "evaluate" to make sure I wasn't crazy. I just kept pulling it out and she of course told me to stop too. It was on my face, on my shirt and the hair I pulled out was blowing down the sidewalk. I truly couldn't believe it. So...I called Sara and asked if she would come over tonight to shave my head, because if I waited anymore I would have obsessed over it. I was already nauseous from the instant emotion and of course was crying. I thought I was ready. Can you believe it? I truly thought that I was ready and wouldn't shed a tear. Nope, I was wrong.
So, within a short time I had my friends & family here supporting me once again. Hope, Amy, Carla, Lisette my hubby and kids surrounded me. Sara got ready and said "hunny, there is no easy way to do it, so Im just shaving ok". Behind the tears I told her to go for it. I closed my eyes, peeked at myself and then cried some more and did that routine the whole time. Of course I had awesome comments from them, but it was killing me inside to see myself like this. I finally had my husband come closer and we held hands and I squeezed his hand tight and I peeked at him and he just reassured me that it looks great. I really NEED his support and words.
After we were done, I played dress up a bit with my hats and wigs. Tomorrow I will put my make-up and earrings on and take some more pictures. Right now, Im emotionally wiped out.
My bestie Hope is coming back in a bit with some chocolate to make the night go by alittle easier. Im grateful for my support group and of course my Husband. My kids reacted well and its just another step in the road for us as a family with a mom that has cancer.
Thank you Sara for coming on que to shave my head. (Sara Stein @ Sheer Bliss Salon 520-723-7814) I love her and would never have thought that my simple relationship as a client would turn into emotional friendship. A good one. :)
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
How you Can Help
Im blessed to still have people asking how they can help us. So I wanted to send out a reminder of the meal calendar and donation link.
We have changed the dates for meals only for the weekend after my chemo treatments. That is a HUGE help for us because I am "down" for about 4 days after my treatment and it would be a huge stress reliever on Cory for one less thing to worry about. If u you have any questions in regards to the meals, you can contact Rachelle (My meal coordinator) at theedfam5@yahoo.com
On the right side of my blog you will see the "Meal Planning" link. Highlight it and paste it in the search engine. It will bring you to the site to sign up for a date!
Also we have been blessed by private donations and donations received from my Team Gabbee shirts/Raffle baskets & different types of fundraisers. All proceeds go into a savings account for us for medical expenses and loss of income. I want you to know that we have NEVER been short in our income because of the donations. GOD IS SO GOOD. Everytime there is a need in our bank account, its filled. That is God using all of you and we thank you so much. I have a link to our savings account on the right side of my blog as well or you can donate through paypal. If you are interested in a Team Gabbee shirt, please email me at bagbyfamily@hotmail.com
Thank you so much in advance for your willingness and servant hearts.
We have changed the dates for meals only for the weekend after my chemo treatments. That is a HUGE help for us because I am "down" for about 4 days after my treatment and it would be a huge stress reliever on Cory for one less thing to worry about. If u you have any questions in regards to the meals, you can contact Rachelle (My meal coordinator) at theedfam5@yahoo.com
On the right side of my blog you will see the "Meal Planning" link. Highlight it and paste it in the search engine. It will bring you to the site to sign up for a date!
Also we have been blessed by private donations and donations received from my Team Gabbee shirts/Raffle baskets & different types of fundraisers. All proceeds go into a savings account for us for medical expenses and loss of income. I want you to know that we have NEVER been short in our income because of the donations. GOD IS SO GOOD. Everytime there is a need in our bank account, its filled. That is God using all of you and we thank you so much. I have a link to our savings account on the right side of my blog as well or you can donate through paypal. If you are interested in a Team Gabbee shirt, please email me at bagbyfamily@hotmail.com
Thank you so much in advance for your willingness and servant hearts.
Long time no Blog
Man, it has been forever. 4 whole days since I blogged. I miss you all. :)
I guess it's because I didn't really have much to blog about, or wasn't really inspired by anything in particular to blog at that moment. However that doesn't mean some pretty AMAZING God moments didn't happen.
This weekend was bittersweet. As I entered into my "low" week I was restriced on the amount of things I can do so I had to pick my events carefully. Small crowds, no children and a place where I could bypass the opportunity of physical touch. Man that is way harder than I thought. I never realized how many people I hug at events. I guess you don't realize that until you can't hug them but the hugs are expected. HaHa.
I did make it to a few things and one event was my sisters baptisim. THAT was great! Im so proud of her for being as strong as she is, standing up for her faith and telling tons of people her battle and where she is now. Her testimony was very emotional. I was excited to hear my name mentioned as an inspiration. I knew I inspired everyone around me, but when family see's you inside and out and knows your every skeleton and sees you when nobody does you tend to wonder. But what I wasn't realizing was that my sister sees all of that crud I just mentioned but yet she also sees my faith in God and how He has gotten me through all that, and still does. We are not perfect but when we sumbit our imperfections to God on a daily basis, we show something much better than trying to show that we are perfect. His Grace, His Love, His forgiveness and most of all our relationship with Him. Im proud to have been able to show her God through my yuck and Im proud that she is where she is. That was a great God moment in our families lives.
As far as me & my health. I've been doing good. Really good actually. I can't complain too much. The worst thing I have been feeling is headaches. I need to call the doctor and just check in with that. One "fun" thing I guess is that I noticed that my arm pit hair isn't growing back after my recent shave. LOL...Yay! That's a benefit. LOL. Yes..I just called a side effect from chemo a benefit. Weird I know.
My energy level has been good. I can't run a marathon yet, but I can still function as a mom and wife. We have had great family times the past week or so. Im getting up in the morning and getting the kids off to school, working during the day, keeping the house somewhat clean and picking the kids up from school. That's not too bad right?
Yesterday I had a surprise from my hubby. Well..I do have to point out his fault first. LOL..Its not a bad fault, however it will just show you how cancer & life really does effect your brain. Cory woke up at 6am, got dressed in his scrubs ready to tackle on his day at work with tons of sick people I might add and drove into work. I had coffee with Carla in the morning enjoying the brisk Arizona morning (until about 10 when I started sweating) and I checked my phone and I had a message from my husband. "Want to meet for lunch?". Well if you don't know, Cory works 60 miles away from home. So meeting for lunch isn't really a reality unless he is coming home to stay home. Well, that was it. Cory went to work, when he wasn't scheduled to work. Ahhhh my husband. (this isn't the first time this happened since my diagnosis) So he drove into work realizing that it was his day off. 120 miles later. Grugh, HOWEVER...he decided not to waste the morning in "town" so he went shopping for me. :) Yay Cory. He got me the new Matthew West CD which is amazing. He also got me a bracelet. A friendship one. As seen on my FB post, I giggled and asked him why a friendship bracelet and he said "because your my best friend aren't you"? Awww..how can you giggle after that? He also got me a devotional. And the best part is...that he was excited because it was on sale for $5. LOL Yes I trained my man right. :)
So we went to lunch, went to the bank, grocery store, dentist for Isaac, back to the bank and picked up Bella and home we stayed. During our errands he said "this is a good day, I love running errands with you". Im not sure what love juice he took yesterday morning, but I like it. HaHa. Oh and the reason we went to the bank twice (just incase your wondering) is because the kids have savings accounts and they had $15 each to deposit. So we put it in there for them. Isaac has $18 in his account. Bella has $40. LOL. He's a spender, she is not. She has been saving all of her chore money and gift money for ahwile now. She doesn't want to spend it. Isaac however has no money because he spends it as soon as he gets it. (the only reason he had $18 is because Wells Fargo did a promotional event and gave the kids $10 coupons at school for new or existing savings accounts) LOL...When he asked how much he had in his account before yesterday's deposit and I told him $2.60 he said "ok so I have a $10 coupon plus the $1 you gave me so I have $13.60. LOL Thats my son. Counting every penny with it. He takes after his mom unfortunatley. :(
Last night we went for a family walk. We walked far. LOL. I CRASHED when I got home. Literally. That was way overkill for me. I could barely move. I need to pace myself better. But we did walk to the park and I did run after Isaac for a short short time. Lesson learned. Pace myself. :) It was worth it though.
So....that is it. That's my exciting update for the weekend. My next treatment is November 17th. Im anticipating the effect the 2nd time around as my body isn't as strong as when I went in the first time. So...keep on praying for me because right now, I can't thank anyone other than God for my "easy breezy beautiful chemo girl" reaction. :)
Oh I also wanted to show you all my new wig that my stepmom Sandy bought for me. I am so excited and actually excited to wear it. These are the things that make losing your hair easier. I have 3 amazing wigs now. All different styles. I have a classy one that is super flowy. Shout out Tiffany! I have an everyday one attached to a baseball cap that is super cute. Shout out Mommy! And now I have a Gabbee wig with purple peek a boo bangs. Hello! They were totally thinking of me when they made this wig! :) Thanks Sandy for the new addition. When I get it (its in mail) I will take pictures of all 3 so you all can see. :)
I guess it's because I didn't really have much to blog about, or wasn't really inspired by anything in particular to blog at that moment. However that doesn't mean some pretty AMAZING God moments didn't happen.
This weekend was bittersweet. As I entered into my "low" week I was restriced on the amount of things I can do so I had to pick my events carefully. Small crowds, no children and a place where I could bypass the opportunity of physical touch. Man that is way harder than I thought. I never realized how many people I hug at events. I guess you don't realize that until you can't hug them but the hugs are expected. HaHa.
I did make it to a few things and one event was my sisters baptisim. THAT was great! Im so proud of her for being as strong as she is, standing up for her faith and telling tons of people her battle and where she is now. Her testimony was very emotional. I was excited to hear my name mentioned as an inspiration. I knew I inspired everyone around me, but when family see's you inside and out and knows your every skeleton and sees you when nobody does you tend to wonder. But what I wasn't realizing was that my sister sees all of that crud I just mentioned but yet she also sees my faith in God and how He has gotten me through all that, and still does. We are not perfect but when we sumbit our imperfections to God on a daily basis, we show something much better than trying to show that we are perfect. His Grace, His Love, His forgiveness and most of all our relationship with Him. Im proud to have been able to show her God through my yuck and Im proud that she is where she is. That was a great God moment in our families lives.
As far as me & my health. I've been doing good. Really good actually. I can't complain too much. The worst thing I have been feeling is headaches. I need to call the doctor and just check in with that. One "fun" thing I guess is that I noticed that my arm pit hair isn't growing back after my recent shave. LOL...Yay! That's a benefit. LOL. Yes..I just called a side effect from chemo a benefit. Weird I know.
My energy level has been good. I can't run a marathon yet, but I can still function as a mom and wife. We have had great family times the past week or so. Im getting up in the morning and getting the kids off to school, working during the day, keeping the house somewhat clean and picking the kids up from school. That's not too bad right?
Yesterday I had a surprise from my hubby. Well..I do have to point out his fault first. LOL..Its not a bad fault, however it will just show you how cancer & life really does effect your brain. Cory woke up at 6am, got dressed in his scrubs ready to tackle on his day at work with tons of sick people I might add and drove into work. I had coffee with Carla in the morning enjoying the brisk Arizona morning (until about 10 when I started sweating) and I checked my phone and I had a message from my husband. "Want to meet for lunch?". Well if you don't know, Cory works 60 miles away from home. So meeting for lunch isn't really a reality unless he is coming home to stay home. Well, that was it. Cory went to work, when he wasn't scheduled to work. Ahhhh my husband. (this isn't the first time this happened since my diagnosis) So he drove into work realizing that it was his day off. 120 miles later. Grugh, HOWEVER...he decided not to waste the morning in "town" so he went shopping for me. :) Yay Cory. He got me the new Matthew West CD which is amazing. He also got me a bracelet. A friendship one. As seen on my FB post, I giggled and asked him why a friendship bracelet and he said "because your my best friend aren't you"? Awww..how can you giggle after that? He also got me a devotional. And the best part is...that he was excited because it was on sale for $5. LOL Yes I trained my man right. :)
So we went to lunch, went to the bank, grocery store, dentist for Isaac, back to the bank and picked up Bella and home we stayed. During our errands he said "this is a good day, I love running errands with you". Im not sure what love juice he took yesterday morning, but I like it. HaHa. Oh and the reason we went to the bank twice (just incase your wondering) is because the kids have savings accounts and they had $15 each to deposit. So we put it in there for them. Isaac has $18 in his account. Bella has $40. LOL. He's a spender, she is not. She has been saving all of her chore money and gift money for ahwile now. She doesn't want to spend it. Isaac however has no money because he spends it as soon as he gets it. (the only reason he had $18 is because Wells Fargo did a promotional event and gave the kids $10 coupons at school for new or existing savings accounts) LOL...When he asked how much he had in his account before yesterday's deposit and I told him $2.60 he said "ok so I have a $10 coupon plus the $1 you gave me so I have $13.60. LOL Thats my son. Counting every penny with it. He takes after his mom unfortunatley. :(
Last night we went for a family walk. We walked far. LOL. I CRASHED when I got home. Literally. That was way overkill for me. I could barely move. I need to pace myself better. But we did walk to the park and I did run after Isaac for a short short time. Lesson learned. Pace myself. :) It was worth it though.
So....that is it. That's my exciting update for the weekend. My next treatment is November 17th. Im anticipating the effect the 2nd time around as my body isn't as strong as when I went in the first time. So...keep on praying for me because right now, I can't thank anyone other than God for my "easy breezy beautiful chemo girl" reaction. :)
Oh I also wanted to show you all my new wig that my stepmom Sandy bought for me. I am so excited and actually excited to wear it. These are the things that make losing your hair easier. I have 3 amazing wigs now. All different styles. I have a classy one that is super flowy. Shout out Tiffany! I have an everyday one attached to a baseball cap that is super cute. Shout out Mommy! And now I have a Gabbee wig with purple peek a boo bangs. Hello! They were totally thinking of me when they made this wig! :) Thanks Sandy for the new addition. When I get it (its in mail) I will take pictures of all 3 so you all can see. :)
Friday, November 5, 2010
DONT TOUCH ME
I love it! I love when things are personal and put a huge smile on my face! My friend Paula as you know from my previous post jokingly said to wear a hat that says "Dont Touch Me" during my "low week" so people knew to not hug me or get their funk on me. LOL I told her not to tempt me. Well she went and got me a classy "Dont touch me" Hat so now everyone knows. :) I love it!!!
Thanks Paula!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Thank You Sammy
Cory's cousin Sammy was inspired to do something for us. He asked us for a family portrait that meant alot to us so that he can capture our story through his drawing.
We all have our own stories that we have been through in life. Sammy has some great ones. He has been there and done that and has grown into an amazing spiritual man, husband and father. Cory and I have had some great times with him and we have also seen him through some tough times. Unfortunatley we haven't physically seen him in many years, but Im hoping that changes soon.
When he asked us to send him a family portrait I chose the one that is on my blog because for me this means that we are walking together as a family through this journey. I don't need to see our faces, I just need to see us holding hands as the Bagby's walking as we have been doing through this everyday. Sam captured that and this portrait means alot to me. You will notice the brick road changing from one color to another going from the cancerous journey onto survivorship. This journey is long and rough but the other side of this is so much brighter, greener and we can resume to be full of life.
In the desert He wrote in this scripture. Isaiah 53:5 "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities;the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."
Thanks Sammy for listening to God so He can inspire you to do this for us. :) We love you!
We all have our own stories that we have been through in life. Sammy has some great ones. He has been there and done that and has grown into an amazing spiritual man, husband and father. Cory and I have had some great times with him and we have also seen him through some tough times. Unfortunatley we haven't physically seen him in many years, but Im hoping that changes soon.
When he asked us to send him a family portrait I chose the one that is on my blog because for me this means that we are walking together as a family through this journey. I don't need to see our faces, I just need to see us holding hands as the Bagby's walking as we have been doing through this everyday. Sam captured that and this portrait means alot to me. You will notice the brick road changing from one color to another going from the cancerous journey onto survivorship. This journey is long and rough but the other side of this is so much brighter, greener and we can resume to be full of life.
In the desert He wrote in this scripture. Isaiah 53:5 "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities;the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."
Thanks Sammy for listening to God so He can inspire you to do this for us. :) We love you!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Am I dreaming?
So today has been such a blessing to me I truly feel like Im dreaming. I know this post probably seems so emotionally unstable since the last post, but God just has been so GOOD to me today and prayers are truly the only reason I can say this.
Today I had my appointment with Dr. Admire. I have had a few other names for him latley but since our last talk, I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt. I haven't seen him in 3 weeks and when we pulled into the driveway of the building on Princess Drive across from the Porsche dealership I sighed and said "Oh how I don't miss this place" LOL I told Cory that I have gotten used to nobody touching me in "that" area and just driving to Chandler for chemo. But Cory reminded me that last time I left happy, so don't assume he's going to be Mr. #1 Surgeon in America. LOL
So, I did and of course the office staff was adorably nice to me. I was brought back to the room that I was in when I had my hematoma and they wrapped me like a pig in a blanket. I told Cory how anxious I felt being there and he asked me "why are you anxious"? and I couldn't answer him. LOL I really wasn't sure. I kind of felt like I was past this whole boob thing..ya know..moving on. LOL But when I changed into the gown I realized...I have SUCH A LONG way to go still with the boobs. LOL
Anyway Dr. Admire came in, asked me how I felt (from chemo) and asked me if I felt comfortable getting a fill today!! HaHaHa!! My man is BACK!!!!! Im in control and It FELT GOOD!!!!. So I said "well, I just want you to even out my left side with my right (due to the emergency surgery I was a bit bigger on the right) anywho....he agreed, gave me 60cc's on the left...and asked when I would be back in to see him. Ha! Can you believe it???? I was so in control and I LOVE HIM NOW. LOL We are back in action.
We left, I felt and still feel good from the fill. 60cc's is SO MUCH better than 120ccs. Man, I could strangle him if I knew the difference.
So Cory and I went to Tina's Treasures to look at some night caps. My scalp is becoming very tender and the chemo nurse told me today to start getting ready as that is one of the signs that the "loss" is coming near. I want something to wear around the house instead of being bald or wearing a hat. However they wanted $15 for one cap. LOL..If you know me..I refuse to pay that. I will find cheaper caps, or I might just have to make them. :)
Anyway we left there and went to MiMi's cafe for lunch. That was a bit of a challenge to do because I can't have raw vegetables or fruits during my "low week" and MiMi's cafe is the perfect place for both of those during lunch..but I settled with clam chowder soup and the Hummus appetizer. Yum. It was nice to go out with my hubby. He has been working his butt off, we haven't had many conversations other than "kids this..clean that...pick up this...fill this script..." you get the picture. So it was nice to just chat. We did find ourselves talking about cancer of course but we did have one point of the conversation that reminded me why I am where I am.
We were talking about the power of prayer and how powerful it has been in my journey. I leaned into the table and said "Cory, look at me. Im on chemo and honestly I feel like Im dreaming, because I really can't complain too much. You know that is totally God and all the prayers from people praying for me. There IS NO OTHER explanation" Of course he agreed but it was a great reminder of how thankful I am of all of you that pray for me daily. You play such a huge part in my healing. Dont stop now. :)
Anyway, we drove home, cleaned up a bit around the house. Picked up the kids, did homework, started dinner, had a great family dinner together, made cookies, and now my 3 amigos are playing Just Dance on the Wii while I blog.
During clean up after dinner I stood at the Island in the kitchen and looked at Cory and said "Im so thankful for this day." He agreed and said "It has been a pretty good day."
I pray for so many more days like this. Even if I am heading into my low week and I am overly obsesive about germs, Im just so thankful that I have the strength to do all these things today.
My only negative complaint is that I had several social events that I wanted to be at this weekend and I called my chemo nurse to get her opinion on them, and she warned me of the consequences of getting sick. She said this weekend is my lowest and I really need to be careful. Soooooo Im missing a church outreach event, a fall festival, two baby showers and possibly my sister's baptisim (which I might just have to sneak to). Im down about that, but the sacrifices now are worth the end result. I can't afford to be in the hospital because I was dumb.
My friend jokingly suggested that I wear a hat that says "Don't touch Me" I told her not to tempt me. So...if you see me out, I might just have a hat. And please follow the rules. LOL.
Thank you again for contributing to these good days. Prayers are powerful and I thank my Almighty Father is who is SO MUCH BIGGER THAN CANCER AND CHEMO and is SO GOOD TO ME!
:)
Today I had my appointment with Dr. Admire. I have had a few other names for him latley but since our last talk, I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt. I haven't seen him in 3 weeks and when we pulled into the driveway of the building on Princess Drive across from the Porsche dealership I sighed and said "Oh how I don't miss this place" LOL I told Cory that I have gotten used to nobody touching me in "that" area and just driving to Chandler for chemo. But Cory reminded me that last time I left happy, so don't assume he's going to be Mr. #1 Surgeon in America. LOL
So, I did and of course the office staff was adorably nice to me. I was brought back to the room that I was in when I had my hematoma and they wrapped me like a pig in a blanket. I told Cory how anxious I felt being there and he asked me "why are you anxious"? and I couldn't answer him. LOL I really wasn't sure. I kind of felt like I was past this whole boob thing..ya know..moving on. LOL But when I changed into the gown I realized...I have SUCH A LONG way to go still with the boobs. LOL
Anyway Dr. Admire came in, asked me how I felt (from chemo) and asked me if I felt comfortable getting a fill today!! HaHaHa!! My man is BACK!!!!! Im in control and It FELT GOOD!!!!. So I said "well, I just want you to even out my left side with my right (due to the emergency surgery I was a bit bigger on the right) anywho....he agreed, gave me 60cc's on the left...and asked when I would be back in to see him. Ha! Can you believe it???? I was so in control and I LOVE HIM NOW. LOL We are back in action.
We left, I felt and still feel good from the fill. 60cc's is SO MUCH better than 120ccs. Man, I could strangle him if I knew the difference.
So Cory and I went to Tina's Treasures to look at some night caps. My scalp is becoming very tender and the chemo nurse told me today to start getting ready as that is one of the signs that the "loss" is coming near. I want something to wear around the house instead of being bald or wearing a hat. However they wanted $15 for one cap. LOL..If you know me..I refuse to pay that. I will find cheaper caps, or I might just have to make them. :)
Anyway we left there and went to MiMi's cafe for lunch. That was a bit of a challenge to do because I can't have raw vegetables or fruits during my "low week" and MiMi's cafe is the perfect place for both of those during lunch..but I settled with clam chowder soup and the Hummus appetizer. Yum. It was nice to go out with my hubby. He has been working his butt off, we haven't had many conversations other than "kids this..clean that...pick up this...fill this script..." you get the picture. So it was nice to just chat. We did find ourselves talking about cancer of course but we did have one point of the conversation that reminded me why I am where I am.
We were talking about the power of prayer and how powerful it has been in my journey. I leaned into the table and said "Cory, look at me. Im on chemo and honestly I feel like Im dreaming, because I really can't complain too much. You know that is totally God and all the prayers from people praying for me. There IS NO OTHER explanation" Of course he agreed but it was a great reminder of how thankful I am of all of you that pray for me daily. You play such a huge part in my healing. Dont stop now. :)
Anyway, we drove home, cleaned up a bit around the house. Picked up the kids, did homework, started dinner, had a great family dinner together, made cookies, and now my 3 amigos are playing Just Dance on the Wii while I blog.
During clean up after dinner I stood at the Island in the kitchen and looked at Cory and said "Im so thankful for this day." He agreed and said "It has been a pretty good day."
I pray for so many more days like this. Even if I am heading into my low week and I am overly obsesive about germs, Im just so thankful that I have the strength to do all these things today.
My only negative complaint is that I had several social events that I wanted to be at this weekend and I called my chemo nurse to get her opinion on them, and she warned me of the consequences of getting sick. She said this weekend is my lowest and I really need to be careful. Soooooo Im missing a church outreach event, a fall festival, two baby showers and possibly my sister's baptisim (which I might just have to sneak to). Im down about that, but the sacrifices now are worth the end result. I can't afford to be in the hospital because I was dumb.
My friend jokingly suggested that I wear a hat that says "Don't touch Me" I told her not to tempt me. So...if you see me out, I might just have a hat. And please follow the rules. LOL.
Thank you again for contributing to these good days. Prayers are powerful and I thank my Almighty Father is who is SO MUCH BIGGER THAN CANCER AND CHEMO and is SO GOOD TO ME!
:)
Monday, November 1, 2010
God Smacked me in the head Tonight
This weekend has been emotional for me. One moment Im laughing, the next I feel like Im going to hurl. Then another moment, Im crying my eyes to my husband and the next Im making dinner. Ahhh, this is literally an emotional rollercoaster not only physically but by far emotionally.
Today was my first day "alone" after my first treatment. Cory had to go in late because my body was too tired to get up and get two kids ready. I tried so hard to get up, but next thing I knew, it was 30 minutes later and they were all ready to go. I finally got up, kissed the kids goodbye, asked a friend to pick up Bella so I didn't have to give her an excuse why I couldn't walk her to school (isaac rides his bike) and ate breakfast and crashed back on the couch.
I layed there for awhile then moved my way back into bed. Crashed for a few more hours until my sister came over to get my grocery list. I got up, started scrubbing the kitchen table and cleaning up after breakfast and broke down. Crying and telling my sister "I want to quit, I can't imagine going through this 7 more times" She came over and hugged me while I cried out but I just kept shaking my head because I can't imagine my life change and I can't be who I am. I finally calmed down and we talked it through.
My reasons? Its not like me to lay in my bed for hours and be "lazy". That is not who I am. Im a busy little bee. I enjoy it. I also love getting up and feeding my kids, and making sure their backpacks are ready and sending them off to school. That is what I love to do, and I HATE that I am restricted. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, all I see is 7 more treatments that seem forever away. And while I am processing this, I see my hair on my pillow slowly falling out, reminding me that soon that will be another emotional step that I have to take.
As time passed today, and I laid in my bed some more I just zoned out not thinking of much. Before I knew it, it was time for the kids to get home. Isaac stays after school for tutoring and so I get Bella home for an hour alone. She walked in today and I sat on the stairs preparing myself to be a mom the rest of the afternoon and to come out of my misery. She washed her hands and then told me all about her day then we laid on the couch watching cartoons. An hour later, my big boy came strolling in, washed his hands LOL and told me about his day. I continued to lay down and at 5:00 I got up.
I couldn't lay anymore. I made dinnner, I cleaned up after dinner too, (haven't done that in awhile) and then even made an ice cream treat for us. I had some energy and I wasn't about to waste it. I had my niece and nephew over tonight too while my sister had some stuff to do and I actually got to use that energy on my niece as her aunt and spiritual counselor. It was a blessing. I hope this experience that she is witnessing only brings her closer to God.
I had the kids by myself till Cory got home at 8:45. GRUGH! Long nasty day for him. But I did it and its 11:07pm and I am still up. After we put the kids down to bed I took a shower. My cancer buddy Kiki said that showers will be a time where I can get away and if I need to cry till the water turns cold, then do it.
Tonight as I washed my hair and noticed more and more strands coming out, I sat there and thought..."God I am so blessed" Ha...can you believe after a day like today this is where I am at. But after a valium, a good cry, 3 supporters rooting me on and a nice hot shower I realized...MAN I AM LUCKY! I said "Lord if this is the worst I will endure, how dare I complain?? And if I am to endure worse symptoms give me the strength to get through it and be who I am"
I felt so guilty whining and complaining when I was able to cook dinner, make yummy treats, be a counselor, tuck the kids in, and most of all be here to welcome my kids home from school. I might have missed the morning...but the afternoon was worth the wait.
I pray the symptoms I have do not increase. I know I still have a long road, but what I mean about symptoms is nausea and fatique. I don't want to be curled up in bed wanting to hurl and so tired I can't keep my eyes open. Ill lose my hair over taking time away from my family.
My prayer request is that this is it. This is how I react since we know that each women reacts differently. I pray that this is my story and by the power of prayer I eased through this. Please don't let a day go by when you don't pray for me. Your prayers are the only reasons why I can end my night the way it did.
Today was my first day "alone" after my first treatment. Cory had to go in late because my body was too tired to get up and get two kids ready. I tried so hard to get up, but next thing I knew, it was 30 minutes later and they were all ready to go. I finally got up, kissed the kids goodbye, asked a friend to pick up Bella so I didn't have to give her an excuse why I couldn't walk her to school (isaac rides his bike) and ate breakfast and crashed back on the couch.
I layed there for awhile then moved my way back into bed. Crashed for a few more hours until my sister came over to get my grocery list. I got up, started scrubbing the kitchen table and cleaning up after breakfast and broke down. Crying and telling my sister "I want to quit, I can't imagine going through this 7 more times" She came over and hugged me while I cried out but I just kept shaking my head because I can't imagine my life change and I can't be who I am. I finally calmed down and we talked it through.
My reasons? Its not like me to lay in my bed for hours and be "lazy". That is not who I am. Im a busy little bee. I enjoy it. I also love getting up and feeding my kids, and making sure their backpacks are ready and sending them off to school. That is what I love to do, and I HATE that I am restricted. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, all I see is 7 more treatments that seem forever away. And while I am processing this, I see my hair on my pillow slowly falling out, reminding me that soon that will be another emotional step that I have to take.
As time passed today, and I laid in my bed some more I just zoned out not thinking of much. Before I knew it, it was time for the kids to get home. Isaac stays after school for tutoring and so I get Bella home for an hour alone. She walked in today and I sat on the stairs preparing myself to be a mom the rest of the afternoon and to come out of my misery. She washed her hands and then told me all about her day then we laid on the couch watching cartoons. An hour later, my big boy came strolling in, washed his hands LOL and told me about his day. I continued to lay down and at 5:00 I got up.
I couldn't lay anymore. I made dinnner, I cleaned up after dinner too, (haven't done that in awhile) and then even made an ice cream treat for us. I had some energy and I wasn't about to waste it. I had my niece and nephew over tonight too while my sister had some stuff to do and I actually got to use that energy on my niece as her aunt and spiritual counselor. It was a blessing. I hope this experience that she is witnessing only brings her closer to God.
I had the kids by myself till Cory got home at 8:45. GRUGH! Long nasty day for him. But I did it and its 11:07pm and I am still up. After we put the kids down to bed I took a shower. My cancer buddy Kiki said that showers will be a time where I can get away and if I need to cry till the water turns cold, then do it.
Tonight as I washed my hair and noticed more and more strands coming out, I sat there and thought..."God I am so blessed" Ha...can you believe after a day like today this is where I am at. But after a valium, a good cry, 3 supporters rooting me on and a nice hot shower I realized...MAN I AM LUCKY! I said "Lord if this is the worst I will endure, how dare I complain?? And if I am to endure worse symptoms give me the strength to get through it and be who I am"
I felt so guilty whining and complaining when I was able to cook dinner, make yummy treats, be a counselor, tuck the kids in, and most of all be here to welcome my kids home from school. I might have missed the morning...but the afternoon was worth the wait.
I pray the symptoms I have do not increase. I know I still have a long road, but what I mean about symptoms is nausea and fatique. I don't want to be curled up in bed wanting to hurl and so tired I can't keep my eyes open. Ill lose my hair over taking time away from my family.
My prayer request is that this is it. This is how I react since we know that each women reacts differently. I pray that this is my story and by the power of prayer I eased through this. Please don't let a day go by when you don't pray for me. Your prayers are the only reasons why I can end my night the way it did.
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