Thursday, June 30, 2011

When it POURS

Man Oh Man! What a week. Not only am I exhausted from my family being here (which is a good exhausted) but I am emotionally drained from the week of the stress that has been laid on us. Not only are we officially uninsured as 12:00am but Isaac broke his tibia on Tuesday night. I decided to take him to the ER today since he was still complaining about it and knew that today was my last chance to get him seen with coverage.

I took him into the ER and the doctor knew right away that there was something wrong. I was just hoping they would tell me to "nurse" it for a few days and give him an ace wrap and call it a day. That definitely was not the outcome. Isaac broke his tibia. We now were referred to an Ortho doctor to follow up and see if it needs to be casted, braced or operated on. The doctor said that if its braced and he keeps off of it, we have a great chance of no operation. Isaac just has to be really careful!

We of course face the financial stress of the specialists with Isaac. I'm also in the middle of trying to find a way to get the surgery on the 28th as a self pay, hoping they will bill me.

Because my family is visiting, I honestly have not been processing it all. Each day I think of a new way to support myself and my family but then I get so frustrated at the system and the fact that someone like me can go uninsured. It almost sounds unethical doesn't it?

Anyway, I'm just asking for prayer, prayer, prayer. I know that God will provide, I'm just trying to be still to listen to the best options long term.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

On my knees...begging please

Im asking you to seriously bathe our family in your prayer time. As I have posted a week ago, we were denied health insurance for our family yet once again. Normally its not a big deal because we always had the option of meeting "spend down" amount which means that once our insurance stopped, we had to "rack" up a certain amount of medical bills and then we would be eligible again. However this time is completly different.

I got my denial letter but something was different. Normally the letter would explain to me that I need to meet a medical spend down. This letter didn't. I didn't pay much attention to it, becuase I received the letter the night before we left for camp, and I refused to worry about it during camp. So now that we are back, I called and found out that the reason that they didn't mention the "spend down" option is because that option has been taken away as of May 1st. Which means that we MUST qualify for health insurance based on income only. Well, we do not qualify for it because we make too much money.

I simply asked my case worker what my options are and she said "There is no other option".

It was like someone stabbed me in the stomach. After having major attitude with her and expressing that I am still on Chemo and have scheduled another surgery (July 28th) BTW, she said "Im sorry mam, but there is nothing we can do at this point"

Im not really sure how to take that but all I know is this. Im about to rack up a large bill at my oncologist office, Im about to spend a ton of money out of pocket for my monthly medicine, Im about to spend money on my routine pet scans, MRI's, surgeries, and any other tests that go with Cancer.

We can't afford insurance elsewhere and the best part? Insurance's wont pick up "pre-existing conditions". Wonderful.

So tonight my heart is heavy. Im fearful and in 2 days, I dont have something that I need on a daily basis. Not only for me, but for my family.

I wish I could express how stressful this is but I can't. I think Im still numb to the fact of it all. Numb to the fact that I was just told "I don't care that you are battling breast cancer, I care that you make too much money for the Government to support you."

My sister said that she would love to go on National TV and say "Someone please tell me what to do next?" And its true. I have no idea what to do. I know that I can go onto every cancer site and seek out grants to help with medical costs, but as far as looking to cancer sites for medical insurance is not something that I am familiar with.

So......I ask that you pray for a couple of things. Insurance and Finances. Im pretty sad that as of July 1st, I am a walking patient on chemo with no medical insurance. It FREAKS  me out!

Monday, June 27, 2011

East Coast meets West Coast

Im really excited as this week my Dad has come to visit along with my stepmom Sandy, my stepsister Yenory and her hubby Marc and their two kids Dylan and Luna. I haven't seen them since my diagnosis and its definitly a long overdue visit. We have lots of fun things planned this week. They arrived today and we had a BBQ at my house and my Brother and Sis-in-law joined us as well along with their 3 kiddos. We had 9 out of 10 grandkids here. Lots of memories. We played Wii, arm wrestled, push up contests and just laughed and laughed. It felt good and I am ready for more. :)

Below is a picture of my brother "bench pressing" me. :) Good Times.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Prayer Request

Hey Followers,

Can you please pray for us these few weeks. I had to renew our insurance AGAIN and I just received our denial letter AGAIN but this time they are not offering the medical spend down as they have done in the past. :( We are un-insured again as of 7/1 for the whole family and we are already receiving bills for the time that I wasn't covered last time, and we will have to start adding more to that until we can figure this out.

I have to go back in for surgery in a few weeks and I will not be covered, so its safe to say, that Im pretty anxious about it and have no idea if my surgeon will take me un-insured ESPECIALLY because its a cosmetic fix, not a medical fix.

Anyway, Cory and I are taking 9 Jr. Highers to camp tomorrow for a week and this is probably not the best news to get on the night before I leave. :( I really  need to let this burden go and place it in God's hands.

Please pray for us, pray for our insurance once again, and pray for our family as we minister to these Jr. Highers who are so near and dear to our hearts.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Operation #4 Here I come GRUGH

I hate this. Im not going to lie. Today I had my appointment with Dr. Admire and even though I threatened like a big shot that he better take me back into surgery and fix the mistake or whatever he wants to call it, I was holding onto the hope he gave me that it would all be fixed in 2-3 months. I look everyday and make myself think its getting better, but today was a reality that its not.

But that did change today as I went for my 3 week follow up and he took a look at me and was not happy. I was so nervous seeing him again because of our last appointment. I asked my husband last night how I should respond to him when he says "How are you doing" because I don't want to say good, but I am still very unhappy. Cory told me to respond with "Im hanging in there" and so I did. Dr. Admire knew exactly what that meant and said "lets take a look" and then I knew by his response that 2-3 months was not the answer.

He said that I need 4 more weeks to heal and then we will go back in and fix it. GRUGH! GRUGH! GRUGH! Im so OVERRRRRRRR IT.

There is so much to say, I don't really know where to start, but I have been crying all day. I kept my cool in his office, but the minute I walked out, I looked at my sister (she was with the kids in the waiting room) and she looked at me and said "guys, come on, we need to go". She knew by my facial expression that it was intense. The moment I walked out of the office, I lost it. I went to the bathroom and just locked myself in the stall so my kids didn't see me and I just cried my eyes out.

I really felt like I was on the path of goodness and now here is another hiccup. Yesterday I created a jar of candy of the amount of chemo I have left (35) and added candy to it, so I can eat a piece of candy after each treatment and watch the pile go down. (Thanks Carrie Swift for that suggestion) The estimated date was February 20th 8 1/2 months to go. 35 sounds better. However, now with another surgery, I can't get chemo 10 days before surgery and 3 weeks after we are looking at April.

I JUST WANT TO BE DONE. I don't know how else to explain it. Im not feeling anger just overwhelming sadness. I know I wanted this but I was hoping it would fix itself and the way he reacted to me today reassured me that I will be back in the operating room. Going into surgery for the 4th time, schedules, loss of more income for Cory and I and we are trying to recover from my past surgery, Recovery time in general, Im in the middle of reapplying for insurance AGAIN and extending chemo even more (which my oncologist just told me yesterday that she really hopes not to see that happen again.)

UGH.....I'll never be the same in that area, especially because there is so much that needs to be done...its really a hard thing for me to go through.

Im lost for words.........

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Chemo #......I have no idea

So tomorrow I start Herceptin again. :( I have a total of 52 treatments of this and I have had maybe...12ish? Im going to find out tomorrow how many I have left so I can start counting down. My nurse previously said that I shouldn't start counting till Im halfway through, but I want to know.

I have had a great "break" from Chemo and I am thankful that God has given me that gift. Even though I had surgery during that break, it's VERY nice to not be in the chemo chair.

But the reality of this is still lingering on as I head to my 8:20 appointment. :(

Some good things?

*My hair is continuing to grow more and more.
*I feel good from "surgery"
*I ran a mile tonight with my family
*I get to take my Jr. Highers to Camp in 7 days for a week alongside my husband. (Last year at this time at camp, I was feeling my lump and contemplating on wether it was something to worry about. Now I'll be back there, with having a double masectomy, chemo and reconstructive surgery) LOL..Interesting how life takes such quick turns.
*Im dealing with my anxiety REALLY well. I still have "help" at night but I am still waking up with overwhelming anxiety. I can't pin point it, BUT when I start to get anxious, I am learning how to walk myself through it. God Is Good.

For Example, Last night we watched "The Last Song" with Miley Cyrus. I guess I misunderstood what it was about, but its a very SAD story. I wont spoil it much, but I was crying because it hit home. Cory held me after the movie and I just got up and said "lets focus on something funny" and I came right out of that hole I was about to dive into. Thank Goodness!!!

Anyway, we have a busy week ahead. My prayer request to you is that my spirit remains strong heading back into the "chemo World"

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Its time to buy shampoo!

Man, I've been craving a blog but haven't felt inspired but as I just finished working, Im watching the Voice and everyone in my family is now is a good time.

Things have been moving along here as normal. I feel really good actually. A quick update on my appointment with Dr. Admire from last week. I shed lots of tears, I was a bit upset with him and the end result was that I need to give it 2-3 months and if I am still unhappy, we will go back in and do some more nip and tuck I guess. So, we shall see. I see him again next week.

Nothing major has happened, but the one biggest things that I am happy about is my HAIR!! Its growing rapidly and I love it. I can get obsessed with just rubbing my head and feeling how thick it is. Its means alot to me. It is offically time to buy shampoo for myself again. When I go shopping for our family hygiene products, its either Cory's man shampoo or the kids shampoo. Now mommy gets her turn back! It feels good. My eyebrows are back and eyelashes too! WOOT WOOT! When I had put masacra on before Church on Sunday I could really tell a difference. It was very cool! I do think my eyebrows are darker than my hair. Interesting and fun.

I haven't been wearing hats much for two reasons. First.. Its 103 degrees and hats sound so suffocating right now. LOL. Second...I DONT CARE!!!! Its normal for me and you guys need to understand that this is a HUGE step for me in my healing process of self image. I feel that I have come a long way through my counseling and really understanding how to live like normal again.

I have not had Chemo since May because of my surgery and I am not going to lie, it feels good not to go every Monday but unfortunatley its starts back up again on the 13th. I do miss my Chemo nurses, but honestly its not something I want to go back to. I have gotten use to life with no chemo right now. :( I don't know if my "feeling good" has to do with the absence of chemo and if it is I pray that I don't take a step back in my healing process once I start again. is pics of my hair growth. :) Good things!

Thanks for keeping updated on my journey.