Saturday, February 18, 2012

Hide & Seek

You remember that game right? I remember playing it as a kid and loved it! My favorite "style" of hide and seek was what we (East Coast Kid) called "Manhunt." We would dress in black and hide on our street. In NY we have bushes and trees and the houses are really close to eachother so it makes for a better game. Arizona...well that is a different story. HaHa! I remember hiding behind a bush and I would be so scared to sit there in the dark but it was so cool at the same time. I wonder what I did while I was being hunted? I didn't have a pager, phone or ipod. What did I do to pass the time? LOL

I bring this up because last night I played hide & seek and that was the first time in YEARS!!! We had a fundraiser for our Youth Group which we called AWAKE. They had to get sponsors for each hour they stayed "awake" which meant that we had to entertain them for hours on end. However in return I was definitly entertained.

When the teens requested to play hide & seek in the dark I froze. I objected because I didn't want to hide alone because I didn't have the same fearless spirit as I did when I was a kid. I think too many scary movies in my life has caused the "dark" to be a bad thing. LOL! And so I begged one of my besties Amy to be my partner. Of course we were the only ones paired up. The rest of the group had nerves of steel that I didn't. I assumed Amy shared my fear but last night, I learned a whole new side of my friend that I never knew! One word. Competitive! LOL...

We were in her house which helped us find the great hiding places. We hid behind doors, in the pantry, in closets, behind couches and even behind a bed (which we broke while moving it to accomadate our hips) LOL. This hiding time led to us hiding under blankets whispering and giggling like we were in Junior High. We laughed so hard that we couldn't breathe. We loved sitting still listening to the others "try" and find us. We were always the ones that were found last because we had the best hiding spot. Finally, we were challenged to "seek" the other two that were pretty good at hiding. Amy's husband John and one of our teens Zane. Amy was determined to find her husband in their house because she knows how her husband operates and she knows her house. I on the other hand just held onto her arm and expressed how scared I was to have someone jump out at me. She didn't care! She looked in every corner searching high and low for those two. Eventually I found luck..or maybe just the bulge that was popping up from underneath their guest room bed. I continued to follow behind Amy until we found Zane. She went into one of the bathrooms and at that moment I said "No way am I looking in here!" My heart was pounding and I was so afraid someone would jump out at me. I stayed by the door. She kept looking in the bathroom high and low and the next thing I know she runs past me screaming and shouting and then I hear giggling from Zane and the rest of the teens. The exact fear I had came true on Amy. LOL..Im glad it was her and not me. :) Needless to say it was SO FUN! I sit here now and laugh because of our moments of insanity and crazy things we thought of while we were waiting for the others to find us.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my life and my journey with cancer. I have two treatments left. 2!!! I started chemo in October of 2010 and my last treatment will be March 19th 2012. I think its safe to say Im ready to be done with this!!

As I am coming to a close to this chapter in my life I am reflecting on what my new "norm" will be like. When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, everyone would tell me that I would need to adjust to my new normal. At that time I thought everyone was crazy and I would never adjust but as I am living out my life I am learning that I can adjust because I don't have any other choice. Things are different and they won't just go back to the old, but it doesn't mean I can't go forward. Im not stuck.

Today I catered cupcakes for the Grand Opening at the new Florence Hospital at Anthem. They ordered 600 cupcakes!! I spent 10 hours of baking yesterday. Cupcakes after cupcakes after cupcakes. After all that baking I went to the Teen all nighter. I only had 3 1/2 hours of sleep but I made it through today. As I stood there serving my cupcakes to the hundreds of people that attended the Grand Opening I couldn't help but think...."Would I ever have started this business if I wasn't diagnosed?" I don't know the answer but I do know that I love to see people enjoy my baking. It gives me a sense of purpose again and it fills my heart with joy to be able to make others smile! We served 600 cupcakes in 1 hour! The event was from 11-2 and we packed our table up shortly after noon. It was insane, intense, wonderful, scary, and AMAZING all at the same time.

Today made me realize that I do not have to "hide" behind cancer forever. Cancer does not define me and it does not take ownership over my life. It has made me different both emotionally and physically but it does not define who I am as a person. For the longest time I thought it did but this weekend made me realize that I am coming to the point of "seeking" out my new normal and I am actually excited about it. I am coming to terms that after March 19th I don't need to expect myself and my family to go back to life before July 2010. We need to look forward and focus on our new and refined goals in life.

I no longer want to hide behind cancer. I only want to seek out the good that awaits us.

Friday, February 3, 2012


Its been too long since my last blog; in my mind. I have been wanting to blog so bad but didn't feel like I had to much to say. Waking up at 5am this morning made me realize I have a lot on my mind and so I thought I would share my thoughts on here.

As many of you know I had a Birthday on February 1st. The big 33. CRAZY! I don't see myself in my 30's. I still feel like Im in my 20's but my body tells me different. My husband asked me on the morning of my Birthday "So, what does it feel like to be 33?" I laughed and said "I can't really answer that question as I am gearing up for my Chemo treatment today."

Most 33 year olds aren't on Chemo. Its funny to think of an average person in their young 30's and where they are in life. All of our stories are different. Many of us don't have what we want but we all can have the things we need.

I remember my 30th. It was so exciting. My older friends all told me that things start falling apart at age 30. LOL I refused to believe them. I threw a big 30th bash and had a GREAT year!

31 I was on the same boat. I still felt and looked great (nothing was falling apart) and threw another party. Me and about 50 of my friends all went rollerskating. It was so fun!

32 however was a different story. 5 months after my 31st Birthday I was diagosed with Breast Cancer. My life changed. I honestly can not remember what my life was like before the diagnosis other than pictures. I know that I will have a new normal after this is all over, but I will never get back the old. Its just not possible. I asked the kids if they remember what life was like before Cancer and they couldn't tell me much. This disease has changed our lives as a family. It sucks. But Im here. And that is what is important. For my 32nd Birthday I had dinner in my bed and came out to the living room for cake to visit with my guests. I just had chemo the day before and I was in PAIN from the taxol. It was miserable. But I put a smile on and put a front on for my family but I was definitly hurting inside and out. This was not how I should be at 32 right?

And.....33. This year was very good. Cory treated me like a princess and my family and friends did as well. I am blessed to have all them by my side through this whole process. They love me inside and out and spoil me rotten on my Birthday. Thank you to my family and friends for always putting a smile on my face.

I am thankful to be alive celebrating another year. This year I finsh my treatment. 17 months of Chemotherapy. March 19th 2012 is my last treatment. I have 2 more treatments to go and I will be honest, Its bittersweet. On one hand I will miss my chemo buddies. I will miss my nurses but I am not kicked out once I am done. I can go by anytime I feel the need to. Plus once you stop chemo, doesn't mean you stop seeing the doctor. My oncologist will be oncologist for the rest of my life. On the other hand I am so ready to live my life and not have chemo interrupt it. Im tried of feeling pain and fatique. Im tired of seeing my daughter get anxious everytime I get a treatment. Im definitly over it. I see the finish line. Its blurry but I see it. Its so close.

I look forward to turning 34. With longer hair, not on chemo and celebrating my first year of survivorship!

For now I am going to focus on the prize and get myself to March 19th so we can celebrate!