Monday, August 29, 2011

Something I learned Today......

As I continue on this journey there are times that I feel like I don't have anymore to learn. Then there are times that I take what I have learned through this, and apply it when I need it. Today was one of those days.

These past few weeks, I feel I have been building up to a meltdown. I think it started when I made the decision to read my Blog from a year ago. Actually it was the day after my sister's birthdy this year and I couldn't remember what I did on her birthday last year, since it was only weeks after I was diagnosed. So I laid in my bed with my IPAD and decided to go back to that day. And the day after that, and the day after that and so on until I reached my "Big Red" days. I felt like I needed to read that, but at the same time, I didn't feel so good after. I also have been noticing the "This was your status on this day in 2010" on Facebook and its been really sad to see some of my posts and yet encouraging. Just last week, (a year ago) I had a ministry event at my house. I can't believe I had a ministry event at my house while I was waiting to get a double masectomy when a week before that, I met with my breast surgeon and learned I would have to do 18 months of chemo! Crazy. But Im glad I was continuing to live normally (as normal as I could)

A few days after visiting memory lane, my friend Amy lost her baby when she was 7 weeks pregnant. She had asked me to be part of that journey with her as they went to the ER several times, Doctors, mourning at home, spending time with her family and I was thankful that she did ask me because I was able to help in a way that I didn't think I could. A miscarriage is something that I never went through and I felt that I had nothing to offer, but being by her side every moment and seeing her go through that, I realized that I had more to offer than I thought. One day, she offered to come to the Doctors with me to keep me company, and also to get herself out of the house. We went, and I can feel her anxiety of just being in the public eye. That's when the wound that I thought was closed started to open up a bit. Her feelings was all she could talk about. And all we could do was listen. I remember being with family and friends and that was all I could talk about because cancer consumed my every thought. She was standing in a store and just started crying, and I remember walking in Wal-mart crying because I was overwhelmed by everyone's happiness around me and I was so sad. Then I watched her become ill and just craving to be home. That was me as well. I wanted nothing more than to be home and in the comfort of my own family. My heart was so heavy that day. Hours later, her husband called me because she was throwing up and she wanted me by her side. As I hung up the phone, I went to my knees sobbing. I was so emotionally drained for my friend but also because it brought back so many memories of feeling like it was never ending. I sat with Cory and I just cried about my day and we both reflected on those days at the beginning of our journey.

Then last night...and I tell this story not to throw my husband under the bus because I love him and I know his heart and I know his intention. But there was a comment made that in his mind had NOTHING to do with cancer, which I believe, but I made a connection and I allowed myself to twist it into something more. Of course, we argued a bit because it wasn't intentional yet I was hurt. That doesn't always go so well. My wound was opening more and more.

Then through the tears, more and more feelings came out. Chemo has knocked me down EVERY Monday for the last 3 weeks and it's finally taking a toll on me emotionally. Someone asked me the other day "how many more treatments left" and I always say 30 or March 2012 I will be done. But then I did the math of how many months and I said "8 months" and wow, I like 30 treatments better. 8 more months? I felt like I was almost done. :( Each week I feel nauseous and extremely tired. In the 20 treatments I had, I never felt this way before and what bothers me most was that my Oncologist doesn't understand why. So last night through the tears of my meltdown to Cory, I said it out loud that I guess I have been just putting aside. Maybe there is something wrong with me that I don't know about? Maybe its making me tired and its not normal for other patients to feel this way, because something else is going on? I don't know! But Cory looked at me and realized "Crap, here we are again, worrying about the future of this disease." I just sobbed and realized how much I hate chemo. I hate 30 more treatments, and I hate herceptin. I KNOW it won't last forever but right now it FEELS like forever. I could deal with it, when I would just go in, get treatment and come home and I felt fine. Now, Im back to making sure my house is clean, dinner is set and my kids know that every Monday, mommy will be in bed all day to rest. This is my life for the next 8 months? Its sucks. Bottom line.

After crying myself to sleep, I woke up this morning and realized "here I am again and I need to get ready to go to chemo" I hestitated for awhile and took my time. Why rush to feel crappy right? Finally we made our way out the door. I cried my way to chemo and I cried my way home from chemo. Its just one of those days I guess.

But here is what I learned. I am allowing myself to continue to mourn this life change and Im not going to feel guilty or weird because I don't know why I should feel this way. Im not going to try and process why I feel sad today, and not yesterday. Im just going to cry and feel the way I feel because I know I wont stay here for long.

I texted my cancer buddy KiKi today. I asked her if she finds herself in this position and the answer was yes and I wasn't alone. Its a fear that you wont understand unless you are there, just like I wont understand other fears from other life situations. After a few texts, I felt better just knowing that it was ok to stare out the car window and just cry because Im sad and angry that I got dealt these cards. We ended the text with a day date for next week. I am beyond excited to have a couple of hours with her and just connect with someone that understands me and my thought process.

I also called my other cancer buddy Lorna. I had to call her back for an unrelated issue but as she is going through radiation the question automatically comes up "How are you doing?" It felt good to just vent it out to her and again, have her understand. She expressed that it is still happening to her. I don't think it will ever just "go away"

I realized that it may be 20 years from now and I might still have a day to cry. I think its healthy. I want to face these heart wrenching thoughts instead of locking them away. I need to face them. I need to face them head on.

Today was and is a crappy day as I find myself crying through this blog. Tomorrow might be better or it might be a crappy week. I don't know. What I do know, is that I will not stay here and I will get through it. I have to accept that.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Prayer request

Just a quick note asking for prayer.these past 3 chemo treatments have been rough. I'm feeling anxious & frustration tonight from knowing what I have to deal with each week. 7 more months seems forever & I'm just having a bad night.


Friday, August 19, 2011

Prayer Request

Hey All,

Please keep us in your prayers this weekend and especially on Monday. Cory will be going in to the New Hospital in Anthem as they are opening their doors for applicants. We have been praying for this since they broke ground. Please pray that he makes contact with someone and his resume does not get lost as I am sure they will be overwhelmed by applicants.

This would be a huge praise for us in so many ways. If you know our family, you know the hardship of his current job.

He will be going in on Monday at 8:30. Please pray for that connection at that time and this resume stands out above the rest.

Sunday, August 14, 2011


I just wanted to some stuff in our lives right now.

First, we definitly were stressed this past week as our good friends were in the waiting game as they were thinking that their first pregnancy was a miscarriage. It was definitly a heavy burden carried this week. Saturday night Amy went to the ER instructed by her doctor because of pressure that she was feeling. After a week of low HCG counts and no presence of a baby or heartbeat, the ER, gave her great reports on her levels and they got to see their baby on the ultrasound and hear his/her heartbeat. It was a blessing to share in that joy as I know how bad they want a child. It was a rough week watching a friend go through that, and it wasn't my first experience on seeing friends go through that, and its always a burden that we carry, but God gave a great miracle and He got all the Praise last night, as this was truley a miracle.

As for the Bagby's...things are continuing to move along. I am back on my weekly chemo schedule now that Im done with surgery. Every Monday for the next 32 weeks. :) Im excited to have the surgery behind me and moving right along. Im definitly ready for some normalcy back in our home.

We had some exciting news this weekend. Isaac went on his interview with Dani's Agency in Tempe. It went VERY well and we agreed to sign him up. They are very excited to use in him print and commercials. He will need some acting lessons to build his "resume" but we are looking for a hobby not an expense right now LOL so...we will take it slow and see where this leads us. He is definitly excited! And of course Mommy and Daddy are proud.

Our kids have sacrificed alot this past year, and I definitly feel like I am trying to make it up to them and allowing them to do the things they ask for. I think after this year, they deserve that.

Isaac is doing great on his saxophone and also took 1st place in the Breast Stroke at his last swim meet.

Bella isn't involoved in anything right now. She's not sure what she would like to do. Right now the only thing Bella is doing is taking antibiotics for impetigo that she got on her lip. YUCK! Pretty gross looking. I tell you....if my kids get any more funky disease, Im going to scream. LOL

As for Cory..he is earnestly seeking a job. He keeps applying but hasn't had any leads. He (we) are patiently waiting for the Anthem Hospital to open up and he will be there everday applying for anything that opens up. If you think about us in prayer, please remember that request. We REALLY need Cory closer to him for financial reasons and quality time home. Driving 3 hours a day is just insane for us. And our gas tank. :)

An update on Insurance/Financial stuff. Things are ok right now. Between a few programs and our savings..we are carrying through each week with Chemo right now and extra medical expenses. Of course I get anxious when I see the savings account go down, but God has always provided and I know that He will continue to do so. My goal is to get through the next few months of Chemo and we will cross that bridge again when we come to it.

Thank you again for your prayers and support!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Dr. Admire + Gabbee = Good Stuff

Have you ever thought of what it would be like to have a Double Mastectomy? Probably for you guys,men,  no you don't. But for women that is heart wrenching. Its a tough thing to have to go through that as part of your journey with Breast Cancer. At 31 I never thought that this surgery would happen.

It did obviously and when the "exchange" took place, I wasn't happy with it. It just wasn't right. And I felt that I alleast deserved to be happy.

Dr. Admire went in again on Friday to "fix" the issue and I just have to say, that I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel good, beautiful and normal.

Not many might want to read this, but if you are following my blog, then you follow 100% of my story. I will hold back details, because I like to think I'm pretty modest, but I do want to express how thankful I am and how happy I am with the results.

Not only having to go through surgery is bad enough, but having imperfections after they have been taken from you is worse. I feel complete now. I feel that I can move on in the "image" department. I feel like I'm on my way to a better image, a normalcy of some type.

I thank God that Dr. Admire did his magic. I knew he earned the #1 surgeon in America for a reason but I never got to see it. Today we did. I thanked him, ALOT and reiterated how appreciative I was that he listened to me and took his time and understood my frustration.

So..publicly...Thank you Dr. Admire for giving me back what Cancer took away. Im forever grateful.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Just Dropping In...

Hey Readers,

I just wanted to drop in and say Hi! Things are going well here. Since I have not been working, I have had the chance to be a real "stay at home mom". I missed it, and its been nice. I have been cooking and baking which is always a blessing to do.

Kids started school last week and we are just trying to get into the routine of things. Isaac is back in swimming which he loves and he has his first meet this Saturday. Im hoping his knee stands the test and he gets back to doing what he loves without any pain. He also joined Band at school and is playing the Saxophone. I always had this strong desire to be at home with my kids after school and listen to them play their instruments in their room. Isaac has done that several times in the past 24 hours and the sound is awful but also very beautiful as I listen to him attempt to play such an awesome instrument. Im very proud of him.

Bella loves 2nd Grade. She has all of our closest friends in her class. Whats not to love?

As for me, I go back into surgery on Friday. My surgeon did NOT cut his fee as I was hoping. So, I just want to thank everyone again for your help in our past fundraiser, because although we all (including myself) do not agree with the charge, its something that I can't overcome so Thank you for helping us pay that $1000 without having to touch our personal bank account. Its a huge blessing!

My surgery is at 8am on Friday at Piper Surgery Center. Its outpatient since I am not paying for the overnight stay. I did get a call from the hospital that I received a 100% grant for the $4500 hospital bill. Praise God! Thank you for everyone that was praying with us in that regard!

Overall I feel ok. I have been really tired these past few days, not sure why. I personally think allergies are just getting to me however I think that when I stop the chemo (cuz of surgery) my body goes into this whole new it could just be the change. I just have been waking up with a headache each morning and just extremely tired. Im thinking about calling my doctor and getting a Rx for some allergy medicine since we are overwhelmed with all the "Haboobs" in Arizona. :)

So, that is the latest here! My prayer request is that surgery of course goes smoothly on Friday but the MAIN request is that he does it right this time and I am 100% happy with the results. Im just so anxious that there will be another issue. I just want this part to be over!

Thank you Blog Readers for being so persistent in my journey and praying with me!