As I continue on this journey there are times that I feel like I don't have anymore to learn. Then there are times that I take what I have learned through this, and apply it when I need it. Today was one of those days.
These past few weeks, I feel I have been building up to a meltdown. I think it started when I made the decision to read my Blog from a year ago. Actually it was the day after my sister's birthdy this year and I couldn't remember what I did on her birthday last year, since it was only weeks after I was diagnosed. So I laid in my bed with my IPAD and decided to go back to that day. And the day after that, and the day after that and so on until I reached my "Big Red" days. I felt like I needed to read that, but at the same time, I didn't feel so good after. I also have been noticing the "This was your status on this day in 2010" on Facebook and its been really sad to see some of my posts and yet encouraging. Just last week, (a year ago) I had a ministry event at my house. I can't believe I had a ministry event at my house while I was waiting to get a double masectomy when a week before that, I met with my breast surgeon and learned I would have to do 18 months of chemo! Crazy. But Im glad I was continuing to live normally (as normal as I could)
A few days after visiting memory lane, my friend Amy lost her baby when she was 7 weeks pregnant. She had asked me to be part of that journey with her as they went to the ER several times, Doctors, mourning at home, spending time with her family and I was thankful that she did ask me because I was able to help in a way that I didn't think I could. A miscarriage is something that I never went through and I felt that I had nothing to offer, but being by her side every moment and seeing her go through that, I realized that I had more to offer than I thought. One day, she offered to come to the Doctors with me to keep me company, and also to get herself out of the house. We went, and I can feel her anxiety of just being in the public eye. That's when the wound that I thought was closed started to open up a bit. Her feelings was all she could talk about. And all we could do was listen. I remember being with family and friends and that was all I could talk about because cancer consumed my every thought. She was standing in a store and just started crying, and I remember walking in Wal-mart crying because I was overwhelmed by everyone's happiness around me and I was so sad. Then I watched her become ill and just craving to be home. That was me as well. I wanted nothing more than to be home and in the comfort of my own family. My heart was so heavy that day. Hours later, her husband called me because she was throwing up and she wanted me by her side. As I hung up the phone, I went to my knees sobbing. I was so emotionally drained for my friend but also because it brought back so many memories of feeling like it was never ending. I sat with Cory and I just cried about my day and we both reflected on those days at the beginning of our journey.
Then last night...and I tell this story not to throw my husband under the bus because I love him and I know his heart and I know his intention. But there was a comment made that in his mind had NOTHING to do with cancer, which I believe, but I made a connection and I allowed myself to twist it into something more. Of course, we argued a bit because it wasn't intentional yet I was hurt. That doesn't always go so well. My wound was opening more and more.
Then through the tears, more and more feelings came out. Chemo has knocked me down EVERY Monday for the last 3 weeks and it's finally taking a toll on me emotionally. Someone asked me the other day "how many more treatments left" and I always say 30 or March 2012 I will be done. But then I did the math of how many months and I said "8 months" and wow, I like 30 treatments better. 8 more months? I felt like I was almost done. :( Each week I feel nauseous and extremely tired. In the 20 treatments I had, I never felt this way before and what bothers me most was that my Oncologist doesn't understand why. So last night through the tears of my meltdown to Cory, I said it out loud that I guess I have been just putting aside. Maybe there is something wrong with me that I don't know about? Maybe its making me tired and its not normal for other patients to feel this way, because something else is going on? I don't know! But Cory looked at me and realized "Crap, here we are again, worrying about the future of this disease." I just sobbed and realized how much I hate chemo. I hate 30 more treatments, and I hate herceptin. I KNOW it won't last forever but right now it FEELS like forever. I could deal with it, when I would just go in, get treatment and come home and I felt fine. Now, Im back to making sure my house is clean, dinner is set and my kids know that every Monday, mommy will be in bed all day to rest. This is my life for the next 8 months? Its sucks. Bottom line.
After crying myself to sleep, I woke up this morning and realized "here I am again and I need to get ready to go to chemo" I hestitated for awhile and took my time. Why rush to feel crappy right? Finally we made our way out the door. I cried my way to chemo and I cried my way home from chemo. Its just one of those days I guess.
But here is what I learned. I am allowing myself to continue to mourn this life change and Im not going to feel guilty or weird because I don't know why I should feel this way. Im not going to try and process why I feel sad today, and not yesterday. Im just going to cry and feel the way I feel because I know I wont stay here for long.
I texted my cancer buddy KiKi today. I asked her if she finds herself in this position and the answer was yes and I wasn't alone. Its a fear that you wont understand unless you are there, just like I wont understand other fears from other life situations. After a few texts, I felt better just knowing that it was ok to stare out the car window and just cry because Im sad and angry that I got dealt these cards. We ended the text with a day date for next week. I am beyond excited to have a couple of hours with her and just connect with someone that understands me and my thought process.
I also called my other cancer buddy Lorna. I had to call her back for an unrelated issue but as she is going through radiation the question automatically comes up "How are you doing?" It felt good to just vent it out to her and again, have her understand. She expressed that it is still happening to her. I don't think it will ever just "go away"
I realized that it may be 20 years from now and I might still have a day to cry. I think its healthy. I want to face these heart wrenching thoughts instead of locking them away. I need to face them. I need to face them head on.
Today was and is a crappy day as I find myself crying through this blog. Tomorrow might be better or it might be a crappy week. I don't know. What I do know, is that I will not stay here and I will get through it. I have to accept that.