Memories that I choose not to reminisce with.

Yesterday I received my chemo treatment. 3 doses in one of Herceptin. For the last 20+ weeks I have been receiving Herceptin weekly (1 dose) . Some weeks I was superwoman and other weeks I was knocked down for a day or two or three. After much discussion last month with my oncologist we decided to try once every three weeks. I agreed to this regime because Herceptin is a low key chemo however I was not reacting as "low key" as normal. I rather get kicked down every 3 weeks as opposed to weekly. (I hate even having the choice actually)

So last treatment, I had my weekly herceptin then a week later I had the 3 in 1. It bothered me at night as far as leg cramping and fatigue but I felt better the next day. I don't know if that was the case because I had treatment the week before so my body was already in "mode" but this time around NOT THE SAME.

I went in yesterday with Cory and got my treatment. 4 hours later we were headed home. We passed a Christmas Tree lot and made the decision to get a fresh Christmas tree since my wonderful $10 15ft tree is falling apart. The nice man tied up the tree to our car and we headed home.

About 15 minutes into the drive, my whole body lost every ounce of energy that I had. I took my top sweater off, made a pillow and snoozed on the way home. I woke up right before we got to our house and Cory asked "are you doing ok" and my response was "no, I feel like it hit me like a ton of bricks"

I walked into the house, got my set up going on the couch with pillows and blankets and just watched my family go on as usual and watched Cory trying to hold the fort together. Bringing in the Christmas tree, homework with the kids and shopping for dinner and making it too.

I just have to say, I HATE laying on the couch with no energy watching my family go on without me. I haven't felt that in such a long time and its a memory that I don't want to live again.

About an hour or so after I got home, my legs were cramping, my bones hurt and I couldn't even touch them because my muscles were so sore. It was only from the waist down. All I could do is rub them gently to help ease the pain. Pain medicine, Phenegran, Aleve and my water was what I needed.

I had my friend Amy come by and chat with me awhile, Hope stopped by so Cory could remove her stitches from her finger and then my sister came by to pick up her kids. About 8pm I got off the couch to walk her out and I walked form my living room to the front room and sat on the stairs. Cory looked at me and said "you don't look so good. You have dark circles around your eyes and your face is pale." Of course I had to get up and look and much to my surprise he was right. I looked like a chemo patient again and I haven't looked like this in a long time. Thank goodness I have hair. That makes a big difference.

We got the kids off to bed and I crawled into bed myself. Cory went for his run and I don't remember much after that. I woke up today, pain free however I am nauseous, headache, super weak and exhausted. With all this comes emotions.

I woke up at 7:30 pushing myself out of bed to get the kids off to school. Of course Bella was anxious this morning just seeing me like this again. They thought it was all done. The moments that I couldn't take care of them were creeping back in.

I kept pushing the kids to hurry up and get ready while sitting on the couch just ordering them around. They finally had everything together, I kissed them goodbye and off they went.

I made breakfast, I put my tray together of books, tissues, meds, waters, cell phone and of course my laptop.

About 10 minutes later I got a call from school saying Bella forgot her backpack. I could not go bring it to her. I didn't have a car and I was NOT walking and so she had to ride back. She knocks on the door, crying of course and we spent some time cuddling and I encouraged her to get back to school. After she left, I just cried my eyes out.

This just sucks. And I feel like this is all new again. But now I know I need to recruit help again. But once again I am back in this boat that I thought I was out of. Its just plain frustrating.

At my appointment yesterday with my awesome oncologist, we had many discussions of what I was dealing with. The lump under my arm is back. It could be from the fact that I just came from a high elevation and my lymph node is inflamed or a cyst. We don't know but she never takes things lightly so we are watching it till next visit. I also talked to her about my recent eye exam. The eye doctor told me that chemo was not the reason behind my lack of focus ability and eye damage. I knew then he was wrong, but I just waited till I talked to my oncologist. I told her I went in for an eye exam and asked her if my eye damage was a side effect from chemo and she said "yes it is". I knew it. I had great eye sight before chemo and it was just too ironic that it went downhill in the past 6 mths. My oncologist told me that it should go back to normal after awhile but my ability to focus is weakening. So my glasses should be here in a week. Just another joy from chemo. 16 months of chemo has its perks....NOT.

Anyway..just pray for me. Pray for quick healing and strength for my emotional side. Thank you for keeping up with me and my blog a year later....