Operation #4 Here I come GRUGH

I hate this. Im not going to lie. Today I had my appointment with Dr. Admire and even though I threatened like a big shot that he better take me back into surgery and fix the mistake or whatever he wants to call it, I was holding onto the hope he gave me that it would all be fixed in 2-3 months. I look everyday and make myself think its getting better, but today was a reality that its not.

But that did change today as I went for my 3 week follow up and he took a look at me and was not happy. I was so nervous seeing him again because of our last appointment. I asked my husband last night how I should respond to him when he says "How are you doing" because I don't want to say good, but I am still very unhappy. Cory told me to respond with "Im hanging in there" and so I did. Dr. Admire knew exactly what that meant and said "lets take a look" and then I knew by his response that 2-3 months was not the answer.

He said that I need 4 more weeks to heal and then we will go back in and fix it. GRUGH! GRUGH! GRUGH! Im so OVERRRRRRRR IT.

There is so much to say, I don't really know where to start, but I have been crying all day. I kept my cool in his office, but the minute I walked out, I looked at my sister (she was with the kids in the waiting room) and she looked at me and said "guys, come on, we need to go". She knew by my facial expression that it was intense. The moment I walked out of the office, I lost it. I went to the bathroom and just locked myself in the stall so my kids didn't see me and I just cried my eyes out.

I really felt like I was on the path of goodness and now here is another hiccup. Yesterday I created a jar of candy of the amount of chemo I have left (35) and added candy to it, so I can eat a piece of candy after each treatment and watch the pile go down. (Thanks Carrie Swift for that suggestion) The estimated date was February 20th 8 1/2 months to go. 35 sounds better. However, now with another surgery, I can't get chemo 10 days before surgery and 3 weeks after surgery....so we are looking at April.

I JUST WANT TO BE DONE. I don't know how else to explain it. Im not feeling anger just overwhelming sadness. I know I wanted this but I was hoping it would fix itself and the way he reacted to me today reassured me that I will be back in the operating room. Going into surgery for the 4th time, schedules, loss of more income for Cory and I and we are trying to recover from my past surgery, Recovery time in general, Im in the middle of reapplying for insurance AGAIN and extending chemo even more (which my oncologist just told me yesterday that she really hopes not to see that happen again.)

UGH.....I'll never be the same in that area, especially because there is so much that needs to be done...its really a hard thing for me to go through.

Im lost for words.........