Friday, September 2, 2011

Sometimes I feel so.....

Anxious....Thats the feeling I have every morning. Its driving me crazy. Im finally calling my doctor this morning with my concerns and Im hoping that something changes.

The reason of anxiety has been triggered by so many things. Sometimes I allow the world to get to me  and I become really disapointed, Isaac's academics are stressing me out, the protection of Bella and her tender heart at school frustrates me, my mugascan (heart test) today, my post menopausal issue and the choices we have to make in regards to that on Tuesday, my lack of energy lately and the big kicker? Breast Cancer Awareness Month. it here already? And why can't I breathe when I see commericals and ads for everything with a pink ribbon?

Last year, I thanked God that I was diagnosed close to this BIG month because I needed to see ribbons come out of my ears, and I needed to see and hear great stories and I needed to see Pink everywhere. I NEEDED that.

This year? I opened up an Avon magazine and one full page was dedicated to it, and they had pink RIBBON EVERYTHING and I found myself not being able to take a deep breathe because of the anxiety that comes with it. Yesterday as I laid in bed with 0 energy I was watching TV and Ch12 news is gearing up for the big day in October and they had all these different ladies on there talking about their cancer. Then they had a statistic with much excitement. The 5 year survival rate has gone up to 98% percent! Yay. But what about after that? What about the 20 year survival rate? I don't care about 5. I care to watch my kids grow up, so what does that all mean? Sigh....

Then my Plastic Surgeon is having a team for the Susan G Komen walk. LOL I don't want to walk with him, but I want to walk with him. He has a video of last years walk of people complimenting him and thanking him (at their private lunch on the day of the walk) and I was imagining me standing up and saying my speech. LOL That would be funny! But Im obsessed with him and to walk with him, in hopes of MAYBE JUST MAYBE giving me a piece of his sensitive side and hopefully feel him genuinely caring about the Breast Cancer patients. Who knows. But if I do walk with him...I need a pair of Puma's. I just wont do it w/out. (yes private joke)

Anyway....these are all the things that wrap my brain in the morning. I wish my magic sleeping pill lasted for at least another hour after I awake, because I don't like that feeling.

In regards to my health, I am calling my oncologist today. Yesterday I laid in bed till 10:00, went to staff meeting and sat for 3 hours so it wasn't much physical activity and then came home to coupon for my shopping trip. All I had to do was make a list and look at the ads. My eyes got so heavy so I just rested my head on my HUGE coupon binder for a minute. Next thing I knew, I was sleeping. I woke up looking at the clock realizing I had one more hour till the kids came home from school, so lets make this count. I went to bed, closed my eyes and my alarm woke me up, and I had wrinkle sheet marks on my face. :) I slept hard.

I picked up Bella (Isaac had full day) and went to the store, came home, emptied groceries, made dinner, had some friends for dinner, laughed alot, completed the kids homework super late and then crawled into bed at 9:30. I was laying there on empty. I thought to myself "I took a power nap, I should be good" but man! Its so frustrating. Cory came home super late from our Church Board meeting and he told me I looked pale and he wants me calling the doctor today. As I sat in bed, thinking about his remark, I got up and checked my color and man....I did. UGH. I just don't know what is going on.

Here is one issue that I will tell you about (which I probably have) and I have NO IDEA if its related. As you know, chemo kicks you into menopause. As of June, it kicked me out however I have had "my friend" every 2 weeks since June. At times, I had it for 17 days straight. Fun yes I know. However its a concern for my oncologist and of course me. Yes its normal to be abnormal, I know this and don't need to hear that, I promise I know. What is not normal is the cycle that I am continuing on for 4 months. Anemia is a concern and at this point my oncologist can't do anything but she wants something done, so I see my GYN doc on Tuesday for a plan. A plan that Im not he is going to do nor do I want to do. I dont want extra hormones in my body because we all know where that leads. I honestly don't know, but I know I need to pray that the right answer is revealed.

I have my awesome friend Debbie coming with me to Chemo and my GYN doc and Im so thankful because there are decisions that need to be made and Im not sure what to do and her advice would be awesome to have.

So, today I am calling my doctor and maybe they will draw some blood. I will be near her office for my mugascan so Im hoping they know something so they can help me out. I just don't understand the fatigue.

Prayer would work for me as far as my anxiety goes. I have a lot racing through my mind and these next two months are a reality that I have to face and its also a wound that remains open. It hurts to think about last year and the journey I have been on. Some may be sick of hearing it, if you are, then Im sorry, don't read my blog. LOL However I hope there is no one out there feeling that way.

Please also pray for my test today. One of the side effects from Herceptin is heart damage. Im young, so Im at an advantage, but please pray my scan shows my heart just as strong as it was before I started this chemo.

If you have had this experience with Breast Cancer Month as a survivor and know my anxiety about it, message me.

 I'd love to hear about how one day it didn't bother you so much. :)

Thank you for your support!

1 comment:

  1. My prayers are with you Gabbee, I love you.