We raised over $400 that day on just raffle baskets, shirts, buttons and bracelets. We have not received our donation amount yet for the proceeds from the walk. Thank you so much in advance for your time and dedication to my family!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Team Gabbee
Thank you to everyone that was a part of Team Gabbee 
We raised over $400 that day on just raffle baskets, shirts, buttons and bracelets. We have not received our donation amount yet for the proceeds from the walk. Thank you so much in advance for your time and dedication to my family!
We raised over $400 that day on just raffle baskets, shirts, buttons and bracelets. We have not received our donation amount yet for the proceeds from the walk. Thank you so much in advance for your time and dedication to my family!
Physical Gabbee
Physical Gabbee UPDATE
When I was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer my mind wouldn’t stop racing of the “when did I get it” and
“How did I get it.” I thought, was it all the soda I drank, not breastfeeding, the food I ate, having mastitis after I had Bella, the wrong bra, on and on and on. I couldn’t stop thinking of why I got it. Especially after it is not hormone driven, I do not carry the gene AND I have no family history. Where did it come from? This I will probably never know.
After the incident on Thursday which was by far the worse situation I have ever dealt with, I never in my life experienced such pain. I thought I was going to explode. Well..Just my breast. Debbie Jones who is basically my personal FREE bedside RN was with me said “Gabbee, in all of my years of nursing I have never seen anything so bizarre as that day”. I literally sat in my doctor’s office and watched my breast grow. To at least a full size D. I kid you not. Filling up with blood and tightening my chest wall muscle. Pulling it further than I can handle and straining my back muscle that was already pulled out. I couldn’t take a deep breath. I could take small breaths just to make sure I was still breathing. When we drove immediately to Dr. Admire’s office he was in surgery so his nurse took me right back, opened up my shirt and immediately went into emergency mode. She wrapped me as tight as she could. I couldn’t even cry because it hurt to move my chest and I kept asking “Crystal, what is going on” and all I remember is her saying to her assistant “Call Dr. Admire on his cell phone from my cell phone” and I kept saying “Crystal, please tell me what’s going on” and finally she said “Gabbee I’m not a doctor, but I think you have a bleed”. I could have and probably should have fainted at that moment but I didn’t. I went into this “I have two kids mode and I refuse to let this take control of me.” Debbie said “Gabbee, I will be honest; you were a true trooper in an emergency situation”. HaHa…I didn’t feel that way, but I did feel like I held it somewhat together, although everyone around me probably thought I was a big baby. After she wrapped me and wrapped and wrapped me some more we head over to the Piper Surgery Center so Dr. Admire can take a look. He was in the middle of surgery or just finishing up. This was all a God thing. Not my hematoma of course, but the way it played out. Being in Scottsdale, being with Debbie (an RN), being so close to the hospital AND having Dr. Admire bring me back right away. If my muscle was going to tear, this was the perfect day and time. Thank you God for orchestrating that.
I get to the hospital, met my husband there, went back immediately in pre-op, everyone got scrubbed up and before you knew it I was awake hearing these words “Gabbee, you tore your muscle, I cleaned out 120cc’s of blood and put a new expander in.” Of course my response all drugged up just said “ok I want my husband.” Now…here is what I found out that will explain the excruating pain I felt on Thursday night and Friday. My muscle was obviously stretched more than I expected. Dr. Admire couldn’t allow that muscle to go back down to the original size it was before it tore so he filled me up (not to the full size) but enough that the muscle would stay somewhat stretched. Therefore I was sore from the fill, the surgery, the trauma and my back. Ugh, what a disaster. Am I uneven now? Yup I sure am. But I pray that when this is all said and done, I will be beautiful in that area, regardless of all this physical drama, stitches and scars.
This morning I woke up sore and stood in the shower for about 20 minutes or so. As I was washing myself I thought…what did I do to tear this muscle. Was it just the fill? Was it because I shaved my armpits, stretched my arms and washed my hair, walked Bella to school the day before, got into a fight with my husband and expanding my lungs so much that it tore a muscle (I yell loud), lifted the ice tea bottle when it was over my weight limit? I thought of everything. And here I was again. Guessing why this happened. I have no reason. I do think I was over filled but why in that breast and not the other? Dr. Admire said in his experience of 400 surgeries, he has never had this happen. So why? What did I do or what could I have done to prevent it if anything? I finally got out of the shower and just put it behind me. Of course I’m still wondering but I refuse to let that consume me. I am super duper careful and if anyone says I’m milking it, my response is “you’re right, I am milking it” I will not lift anything I know I shouldn’t be, I will not help when I know I shouldn’t be. I will not get in that situation again and I will make sure that I am doing everything on my end to not get there.
So where am I physically? Tired, sore chest, sore back but I’m easing off the pain meds other than over the counter ones. I do take valium still for the spasms, but for the most part, I’m healing each day. I lost focus. I mean….God and I. We lost touch this past week. My strength was weak; my faith was weak, my spirit was weak. I am aware of that, and I know what I have to do. For me, God is my strength. I need a good cry out to Him and to get back in focus with Him. I started to rely on my own strength and it’s not working. I’m finding myself angry, depressed and very sad. This isn’t how I want to be. I will continue my blog on “Spiritual Gabbee” later because I want the world to know. But for now, here was the update on “Physical Gabbee”.
Thank you for your prayers. Keep them coming. It’s not over yet.
When I was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer my mind wouldn’t stop racing of the “when did I get it” and
“How did I get it.” I thought, was it all the soda I drank, not breastfeeding, the food I ate, having mastitis after I had Bella, the wrong bra, on and on and on. I couldn’t stop thinking of why I got it. Especially after it is not hormone driven, I do not carry the gene AND I have no family history. Where did it come from? This I will probably never know.
After the incident on Thursday which was by far the worse situation I have ever dealt with, I never in my life experienced such pain. I thought I was going to explode. Well..Just my breast. Debbie Jones who is basically my personal FREE bedside RN was with me said “Gabbee, in all of my years of nursing I have never seen anything so bizarre as that day”. I literally sat in my doctor’s office and watched my breast grow. To at least a full size D. I kid you not. Filling up with blood and tightening my chest wall muscle. Pulling it further than I can handle and straining my back muscle that was already pulled out. I couldn’t take a deep breath. I could take small breaths just to make sure I was still breathing. When we drove immediately to Dr. Admire’s office he was in surgery so his nurse took me right back, opened up my shirt and immediately went into emergency mode. She wrapped me as tight as she could. I couldn’t even cry because it hurt to move my chest and I kept asking “Crystal, what is going on” and all I remember is her saying to her assistant “Call Dr. Admire on his cell phone from my cell phone” and I kept saying “Crystal, please tell me what’s going on” and finally she said “Gabbee I’m not a doctor, but I think you have a bleed”. I could have and probably should have fainted at that moment but I didn’t. I went into this “I have two kids mode and I refuse to let this take control of me.” Debbie said “Gabbee, I will be honest; you were a true trooper in an emergency situation”. HaHa…I didn’t feel that way, but I did feel like I held it somewhat together, although everyone around me probably thought I was a big baby. After she wrapped me and wrapped and wrapped me some more we head over to the Piper Surgery Center so Dr. Admire can take a look. He was in the middle of surgery or just finishing up. This was all a God thing. Not my hematoma of course, but the way it played out. Being in Scottsdale, being with Debbie (an RN), being so close to the hospital AND having Dr. Admire bring me back right away. If my muscle was going to tear, this was the perfect day and time. Thank you God for orchestrating that.
I get to the hospital, met my husband there, went back immediately in pre-op, everyone got scrubbed up and before you knew it I was awake hearing these words “Gabbee, you tore your muscle, I cleaned out 120cc’s of blood and put a new expander in.” Of course my response all drugged up just said “ok I want my husband.” Now…here is what I found out that will explain the excruating pain I felt on Thursday night and Friday. My muscle was obviously stretched more than I expected. Dr. Admire couldn’t allow that muscle to go back down to the original size it was before it tore so he filled me up (not to the full size) but enough that the muscle would stay somewhat stretched. Therefore I was sore from the fill, the surgery, the trauma and my back. Ugh, what a disaster. Am I uneven now? Yup I sure am. But I pray that when this is all said and done, I will be beautiful in that area, regardless of all this physical drama, stitches and scars.
This morning I woke up sore and stood in the shower for about 20 minutes or so. As I was washing myself I thought…what did I do to tear this muscle. Was it just the fill? Was it because I shaved my armpits, stretched my arms and washed my hair, walked Bella to school the day before, got into a fight with my husband and expanding my lungs so much that it tore a muscle (I yell loud), lifted the ice tea bottle when it was over my weight limit? I thought of everything. And here I was again. Guessing why this happened. I have no reason. I do think I was over filled but why in that breast and not the other? Dr. Admire said in his experience of 400 surgeries, he has never had this happen. So why? What did I do or what could I have done to prevent it if anything? I finally got out of the shower and just put it behind me. Of course I’m still wondering but I refuse to let that consume me. I am super duper careful and if anyone says I’m milking it, my response is “you’re right, I am milking it” I will not lift anything I know I shouldn’t be, I will not help when I know I shouldn’t be. I will not get in that situation again and I will make sure that I am doing everything on my end to not get there.
So where am I physically? Tired, sore chest, sore back but I’m easing off the pain meds other than over the counter ones. I do take valium still for the spasms, but for the most part, I’m healing each day. I lost focus. I mean….God and I. We lost touch this past week. My strength was weak; my faith was weak, my spirit was weak. I am aware of that, and I know what I have to do. For me, God is my strength. I need a good cry out to Him and to get back in focus with Him. I started to rely on my own strength and it’s not working. I’m finding myself angry, depressed and very sad. This isn’t how I want to be. I will continue my blog on “Spiritual Gabbee” later because I want the world to know. But for now, here was the update on “Physical Gabbee”.
Thank you for your prayers. Keep them coming. It’s not over yet.
Monday, October 11, 2010
The Heaviest Heart
My heart is probably the heaviest it has been since the day I heard “you have cancer”. All this time, my kids have been troopers. Going along with everything. Adjusting to people in and out of the home, cooking dinner, visitors, caretakers and so on. Every now and then I will check in with them and ask how they are doing and if they have any questions but most of the time I hit a dead end. Until tonight.
Thursday as you know set us back and gave us a road that we weren’t prepared to go down. I think that threw the kids for a loop. Because of this irritating setback, I am now back in bed resting and trying to heal. It’s a lot longer than we told the kids and therefore the questions start.
Today Isaac came home from school and I could see it on his face that he is just struggling. So I asked him “Isaac, do you miss mommy being normal” “yes, I just wish you were back to the way you used to be” as tears filled his eyes. It literally took every ounce of muscle to gain control of my tears and be strong for him. I told him that this was unexpected and wasn’t in our plans, and that I am trying my best to heal as fast as I can. I asked him what kinds of things he misses. He said “going to the beach and eating at San Tan Flats” LOL….My precious boy I just love him so much. I wish that it wasn’t this way.
After that I got up and did my very best to be out in the living room area where the kids were. I was nauseous, in pain and I just wanted to lay down. I went to the dinner table and sat down and literally laid my head on the table. I tried so hard to be “there” but of course my body was, but my mind isn’t. I bought play dough so we did some of that and we had good times. We had a competition of who can make the best spider and the kids asked if we could post it on Facebook for people to vote. LOL so we did.
After that, we went in my room and had our prayer time as we always do. We usually ask who wants to pray and Isaac raised his hand. “Lord, thank you for this day, thank you for my family and friends. Thank you for this night. Lord forgive us for our sins even if we don’t know that we sinned. Lord please make my mom feel better and help me not be distracted at school when she is at her doctors appointments. Amen”. Once again, I tried and my eyes filled up but I gained control. Then Bella comes to me and says “mom, I daydream” so I asked about what and she said “I daydream that your going to die” I grabbed her and hugged her so tight and told her over and over again that Im doing my very best to get better and that I have to go through this to get better. Bella cried and cried saying that she thinks about me all the time at school and she tries hard to concentrate. Isaac says he thinks about me most when I am at the doctor’s appointments.
Ill be honest, I want to give up so bad. I want to tell the doctors to take these ugly expanders out and leave me alone. I want to sew up my chest and never go to another appointment again. I want so bad to give up. I want my kids to feel normalcy. I want them to never have to “daydream” about me dying or what is happening at my appointments. Its not fair. I knew I was strong but I feel weak. I am so anxious about my doctors appointment tomorrow because Thursday was by far the most dramatic event I have ever faced. I don’t want to go near that place or relive that day again.
Im pleading for prayer. I need it, my family needs and my body needs it. If you can give anything at this moment, I ask that you commit to praying for complete healing and peace In my family.
Thursday as you know set us back and gave us a road that we weren’t prepared to go down. I think that threw the kids for a loop. Because of this irritating setback, I am now back in bed resting and trying to heal. It’s a lot longer than we told the kids and therefore the questions start.
Today Isaac came home from school and I could see it on his face that he is just struggling. So I asked him “Isaac, do you miss mommy being normal” “yes, I just wish you were back to the way you used to be” as tears filled his eyes. It literally took every ounce of muscle to gain control of my tears and be strong for him. I told him that this was unexpected and wasn’t in our plans, and that I am trying my best to heal as fast as I can. I asked him what kinds of things he misses. He said “going to the beach and eating at San Tan Flats” LOL….My precious boy I just love him so much. I wish that it wasn’t this way.
After that I got up and did my very best to be out in the living room area where the kids were. I was nauseous, in pain and I just wanted to lay down. I went to the dinner table and sat down and literally laid my head on the table. I tried so hard to be “there” but of course my body was, but my mind isn’t. I bought play dough so we did some of that and we had good times. We had a competition of who can make the best spider and the kids asked if we could post it on Facebook for people to vote. LOL so we did.
After that, we went in my room and had our prayer time as we always do. We usually ask who wants to pray and Isaac raised his hand. “Lord, thank you for this day, thank you for my family and friends. Thank you for this night. Lord forgive us for our sins even if we don’t know that we sinned. Lord please make my mom feel better and help me not be distracted at school when she is at her doctors appointments. Amen”. Once again, I tried and my eyes filled up but I gained control. Then Bella comes to me and says “mom, I daydream” so I asked about what and she said “I daydream that your going to die” I grabbed her and hugged her so tight and told her over and over again that Im doing my very best to get better and that I have to go through this to get better. Bella cried and cried saying that she thinks about me all the time at school and she tries hard to concentrate. Isaac says he thinks about me most when I am at the doctor’s appointments.
Ill be honest, I want to give up so bad. I want to tell the doctors to take these ugly expanders out and leave me alone. I want to sew up my chest and never go to another appointment again. I want so bad to give up. I want my kids to feel normalcy. I want them to never have to “daydream” about me dying or what is happening at my appointments. Its not fair. I knew I was strong but I feel weak. I am so anxious about my doctors appointment tomorrow because Thursday was by far the most dramatic event I have ever faced. I don’t want to go near that place or relive that day again.
Im pleading for prayer. I need it, my family needs and my body needs it. If you can give anything at this moment, I ask that you commit to praying for complete healing and peace In my family.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Emergency Surgery
Hello All, Lisette here again and going to update you.
Well Wednesday after Gabbee’s fill at Dr. Admire’s Office it usually set’s her back a few days so she came home to rest. Only thing she did do is rest and have dinner with her family. I don’t know the details of what happened during the evening but I received a phone call at 6:30am from my sister crying saying “she had a rough night and is in a lot of pain, she feels like a rib popped out in her back. I was suppose to take her to her PCP but needed to be back home by 1pm so she was nervous the doctor may send her to a chiropractor or something and she didn’t want me to be stuck. So I arranged for Debbie Jones to take her to her PCP at 10:00 am in Scottsdale.
So I will tell you my side of story then add Gabbee’s in so you can follow along. I was at home reading my book when my phone rang and it was Gabbee around 11:30 and this is all she said to me “ My breast exploded and they are taking me to piper surgery center to do emergency surgery, please take care of my kids, Cory is on his way to piper, someone will call you with more details. Bye!” Okay everyone so my mouth drops and my head starts spinning, what do I do 1st, who do I call and I am pacing back and forth. Finally I get it together and contacted Hope to take care of the kids contacted my Mom who is in NY for a wedding, my Dad, my brother and Amy. Then I jumped in the shower and planned to head to Scottsdale but before I could do that I looked in the mirror and thought, Wow, what the heck is going on and then I prayed and asked God to please protect my sister and then of course I cried like a big baby!
Debbie contacted me from the surgery center and said “Oh my gosh Lisette you can’t believe what I witnessed. We were sitting at the PCP office and Gabbee turns to me and says Debbie I don’t feel right, Gabbee say’s my right breast looks like it is growing. Debbie said no Gabbee and then before Debbie’s eyes Gabbee’s right breast started to expanded instantly. Debbie said “Lisette if I did not see it with my own eyes I would not have believed it.” Her breast blew up to a size D for sure, she showed me a picture.
So during my ride to Scottsdale I being kept informed by Cory letting me know she went into surgery at 1pm and at 2:30 pm she was still in there. I was nervous because I thought why she is in surgery so long what is happening. So I arrive at the center and my brother is already there waiting to talk to a nurse. The nurse comes out and say’s Gabbee is doing well and should be ready in about 15min to go home. Me and my brother are like WHAT! She is still in surgery, isn’t she? The nurse say’s she was out of surgery at 1:45 pm, didn’t Dr. Admire come and talk to you? Umm, NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes that is me having attitude with the nurse, sorry guys but I am pissed! So the nurse say’s let me find out more info. So she comes back and proceeds to tell us that Dr. Admire could not find her husband (who was sitting on the patio – bc the waiting room was full, which is visible thru the glass windows) he came out to check a few times and tried calling but had wrong #. Dr. Admire has left. Okay my response “Oh no this is not going to fly”, my brother’s response “WHAT, I want to talk to the Hospital Administrator”! LOL
Okay so after all that Dr. Admire calls Cory and say’s “torn muscles and tissue caused by either Gabbee overdoing it or her being overfilled yesterday”. Hmm lemme think, you donut hole it was because she was overfilled and yesterday you gave her clearance that she had no restrictions and could drive, do yoga and could have been doing this for some time now. Urgh! So basically she bled into her chest cavity, 120cc of blood in the right breast (which is why it blew up). So Dr. Admire went in cleaned it all out again and replaced the expander, stitched her back up, wrapped her up and sent her home.
Gabbee has come so far in the last few weeks and now she is right back where she was after her mastectomy but worse. She is in extreme pain, having a hard time breathing and moving. This is worse! This also puts back her chemo 4 weeks but we will find that out for sure next week. Gabbee has told me she is not getting any more fills done; she does not want to have to ever go through this again!
I ask for everyone to pray her recovery is a quick one so we can start the next chapter of her journey!
Tomorrow is Del Web “Goes Pink” Breast Cancer Walk and Gabbee is super sad she won’t be able to be there but would like to send out “Thank You’s” to all who will be walking on Team Gabbee. She is going to do her best to maybe come out for an hour or so, we will see. I will be manning her “TEAM GABBEE FUNDRAISER” Table we will have buttons, bracelets, t-shirts for sale. 3 baskets to raffle off and 1 Golf Package to raffle off. This fundraiser is helping Gabbee and her family with medical bills, loss of income and so much more! Your continued support is always appreciated and will continue to be!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Why Oh Why?
Well not much of excitement here. I am getting better from my cold/allergy ordeal. I go to my PCP tomorrow so I hope she can take another look and just make sure that an infection has not started. Today I got a fill at Dr. Admire’s office. I only did 90cc’s today as opposed to 120cc’s. Each breast…let me remind you. They started with 60cc’s and then asked me if I could take anymore. I had to be a little tough so I said “Okay, I can do 30 more” LOL….It’s painful and uncomfortable. And the thing that is most annoying is that when you just start feeling better, you go in for another fill which sets you back a bit. As they fill the expander, the muscle stretches even more. GRUGH…..and today I either moved a certain way that I wasn’t supposed to or a nerve was pinched, I don’t know but I did something to my back on my right side. Cory tried rubbing it out, but couldn’t touch it w/out my back rejecting automatically his touch. My PCP can feel around tomorrow to see what I did.
I noticed something today. It’s kind of funny but I wanted to blog about it. I am not sure how I feel about it, but I’m trying not to spend too much energy thinking about it either. As I started to feel better, I wanted to spend more time with the kids and one of the ways I can do that is walking the kids to school. Usually Isaac rides his bike to school and so it gives me special time with Bella. Plus it’s cooler outside. That helps. But with walking Bella to school comes face to face communication with people. Sometimes I am ok to do it, but sometimes I just want to walk in, get the kids and go back home. I hate to be rude and so I will conversate (gabbee’s word) as long as I can.
So this afternoon as I picked up Bella, and talking to people on the way there and home, I come to realize that, yes people knew that I had breast cancer, but when I have a “breast profile” IM not sure how much they really know, or if I am recovering from surgery. Some people ask “you look sore” and I can’t find an easy way to say “well, these are fake, and I just got 90cc’s put in today so yup I’m a little sore”. I don’t think everyone knows that I had a double mastectomy. Especially when I walk in with boobs. It’s kind of funny, but hard to communicate. If you ask me how I feel and I can barely walk straight, I’m going to have to tell you why I am hunching over the way I am. So…incase you are just reading now, I had a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery at the same time. I have expanders in, until I am stretched at my goal and then I will have the implants in when I can. (Depending on chemo)
Chemo…Oh yes…that is still a reality. That is the other thing. So….people see me, see that I have breasts, they know I’m “clean” and now they hear that I am waiting on chemo. However I look fine…cancer is out..So why chemo? Well, please know that it’s so much bigger than a “preventative” medicine at this point. Yes, it is preventative but when you hear that your tumor was aggressive in just the short time you had it, AND you have no history in your family chemo is something that will lower my chances of cancer coming back. Now…are the doctors certain that the cancer is out? Tiny cells floating around? Maybe not. Maybe so. However chemo will grab that and kill it so it can’t even think about starting in another area. Oh man…my head is spinning because of all the reasons chemo is needed in my situation. Yes, I am cancer free (technically), yes I have new boobs but I’m not in the clear yet. I have a LONG LONG road ahead and could use all the support I can get. I have some of the BEST doctors working on me and I truly know that God has put them in my life to kick this cancer out for good. I want many many more years with my family. So there is my ranting for tonight. I just felt kind of disappointed today and I guess had to get it out there. I believe in medicine. I do. It sucks, but as I will start referring to my chemo as “big red” I know for every hair strand that falls out and every time my body is fatigued from losing the healthy cells, I know that “big red” is doing his job. Poor guy just can’t tell the difference between good and bad. But until then, I will take the fact that “Big red” is good at killing the bad. I’ll take the hair lose and fatigue and any sickness that comes with it to make sure that cancer is not in my everyday vocabulary.
Nighty Night All.
I noticed something today. It’s kind of funny but I wanted to blog about it. I am not sure how I feel about it, but I’m trying not to spend too much energy thinking about it either. As I started to feel better, I wanted to spend more time with the kids and one of the ways I can do that is walking the kids to school. Usually Isaac rides his bike to school and so it gives me special time with Bella. Plus it’s cooler outside. That helps. But with walking Bella to school comes face to face communication with people. Sometimes I am ok to do it, but sometimes I just want to walk in, get the kids and go back home. I hate to be rude and so I will conversate (gabbee’s word) as long as I can.
So this afternoon as I picked up Bella, and talking to people on the way there and home, I come to realize that, yes people knew that I had breast cancer, but when I have a “breast profile” IM not sure how much they really know, or if I am recovering from surgery. Some people ask “you look sore” and I can’t find an easy way to say “well, these are fake, and I just got 90cc’s put in today so yup I’m a little sore”. I don’t think everyone knows that I had a double mastectomy. Especially when I walk in with boobs. It’s kind of funny, but hard to communicate. If you ask me how I feel and I can barely walk straight, I’m going to have to tell you why I am hunching over the way I am. So…incase you are just reading now, I had a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery at the same time. I have expanders in, until I am stretched at my goal and then I will have the implants in when I can. (Depending on chemo)
Chemo…Oh yes…that is still a reality. That is the other thing. So….people see me, see that I have breasts, they know I’m “clean” and now they hear that I am waiting on chemo. However I look fine…cancer is out..So why chemo? Well, please know that it’s so much bigger than a “preventative” medicine at this point. Yes, it is preventative but when you hear that your tumor was aggressive in just the short time you had it, AND you have no history in your family chemo is something that will lower my chances of cancer coming back. Now…are the doctors certain that the cancer is out? Tiny cells floating around? Maybe not. Maybe so. However chemo will grab that and kill it so it can’t even think about starting in another area. Oh man…my head is spinning because of all the reasons chemo is needed in my situation. Yes, I am cancer free (technically), yes I have new boobs but I’m not in the clear yet. I have a LONG LONG road ahead and could use all the support I can get. I have some of the BEST doctors working on me and I truly know that God has put them in my life to kick this cancer out for good. I want many many more years with my family. So there is my ranting for tonight. I just felt kind of disappointed today and I guess had to get it out there. I believe in medicine. I do. It sucks, but as I will start referring to my chemo as “big red” I know for every hair strand that falls out and every time my body is fatigued from losing the healthy cells, I know that “big red” is doing his job. Poor guy just can’t tell the difference between good and bad. But until then, I will take the fact that “Big red” is good at killing the bad. I’ll take the hair lose and fatigue and any sickness that comes with it to make sure that cancer is not in my everyday vocabulary.
Nighty Night All.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Just a Cold
So I woke up at 3am last night feeling like I was swallowing fire. My throat was SO SORE and yes on fire! Cory gave me meds, water and a throat lozenge. Usually a typical person would curl up and hide under the covers from feeling so crappy but when you can’t sleep on your side, you just have to bear with it and lay back, well kind of lying back except sitting up. Cory reassured me that my PCP doc is this week and we can find out what’s going on. It just reminded me how many doctor’s appointments we have and people poking at me. I do not look forward to getting my fill on Wednesday. I just want people to leave my breasts alone and I want to sleep on my side. Cory laughed and said “Hunny, you have a long road ahead, you need to get used to people poking and prodding around”. Grugh he is right and I hate it! LOL
So today I just did a little sanitizing to make me feel better and then crashed on my bed. Cory called and suggested the Urgent Care since my PCP appointment isn’t till Thursday. So my mom took me and off we went. Thank God I don’t have an infection. He just said lots of nasal drip from allergies to continue on my allergy medicine and it’ll get better. Ugh, but again, I don’t want to be taking antibiotics for infections at this time. I really want my body to be strong before chemo. I am on a schedule and I don’t have much time before chemo starts.
This leads me to this thought that continues to run rapid in my head. My hair. I want to cut it shorter than it is now. I want to kind of transition into my loss of hair. I will cut it short, then after the first treatment, I’ll shave it. Just the thought of cutting it short makes me want to cry. I always think I’m getting stronger but it really hasn’t gone into reality yet so when I have to make an appointment to cut my hair, it becomes more real to me. I won’t have a long time before I have to shave it, but I do want a cute cut. I do have a GREAT hairdresser so I am not worried about looking cute, but ahhhh, shorter than my length now is short for me.
Anyway, I am just pondering, working and resting in my bed today. Tomorrow Cory is off. I hope we can just chill and enjoy the quiet house on his day off, but I have 3 appointments to get done in 2 weeks so I wouldn’t be surprised if I get a phone call later on, and our day off becomes another day of doctors appointments. I hope not. I could really use tomorrow.
So today I just did a little sanitizing to make me feel better and then crashed on my bed. Cory called and suggested the Urgent Care since my PCP appointment isn’t till Thursday. So my mom took me and off we went. Thank God I don’t have an infection. He just said lots of nasal drip from allergies to continue on my allergy medicine and it’ll get better. Ugh, but again, I don’t want to be taking antibiotics for infections at this time. I really want my body to be strong before chemo. I am on a schedule and I don’t have much time before chemo starts.
This leads me to this thought that continues to run rapid in my head. My hair. I want to cut it shorter than it is now. I want to kind of transition into my loss of hair. I will cut it short, then after the first treatment, I’ll shave it. Just the thought of cutting it short makes me want to cry. I always think I’m getting stronger but it really hasn’t gone into reality yet so when I have to make an appointment to cut my hair, it becomes more real to me. I won’t have a long time before I have to shave it, but I do want a cute cut. I do have a GREAT hairdresser so I am not worried about looking cute, but ahhhh, shorter than my length now is short for me.
Anyway, I am just pondering, working and resting in my bed today. Tomorrow Cory is off. I hope we can just chill and enjoy the quiet house on his day off, but I have 3 appointments to get done in 2 weeks so I wouldn’t be surprised if I get a phone call later on, and our day off becomes another day of doctors appointments. I hope not. I could really use tomorrow.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Prayer Request
I haven’t blogged since Thursday. I had a few comments about that. I’m happy that people notice. LOL. It reminds me that the blog is worth something to others and not just me.
These past few days have been emotional I guess. Wednesday and Thursday were big days for me. An expander fill and my oncology appointment set me back emotionally & physically for a couple of days. Just feeling “blue” or “melancholy”. That is normal and I refuse to try and be someone I am not each day. I will allow my emotions to come out and do their thing. Just not too much. LOL…
I’m going to be honest, because this is why I have this blog, but this weekend was hard. And with a friend texting me and walking me through it I have come to realize that I need to be more aware of my marriage and the damage that can be done by all of this. I have had SO many blessings this past week. Actually the last 9 weeks have been overloaded by blessings. I do believe that Satan hates that. I believe that he has hit a barricade which is awesome! However my marriage is freely open. To be attacked I mean. The stress of cancer can put a toll on me, my husband, my kids and the household. Schedules, works, homework, school, doctor’s visits, no time off, bills, pain, emotions and so much more can really make me grumpy as well as Cory. We aren’t perfect and we make mistakes, but it’s so scary sometimes when we do. Because if we aren’t strong in our marriage, then this can truly tear us apart. I’m not saying that we are struggling but we did have a rocky weekend. Stress levels hit a high and who do we go after? Our spouse of course. Any type of disturbance like that for me puts me in a state of mind that isn’t where I want to be. I am not a fighter during those times. I feel weak. I’m sure Cory feels the same. God is doing wonderful things through this trial of ours. I am in WONDERFUL hands with doctors, and I have hundreds of prayers going out for me for my health..But Cory and I can easily get lost in the midst. So…I am asking that you pray for us. Pray that this continues to make us stronger. Pray that God gives us each the strength to not only deal with cancer, but to still honor each other, love each other and to have the time and energy for each other. The kids too. When I’m short, Cory is short therefore the kids get the crappy end of it. It’s just stressful overall and we have so many prayers but I wanted to lift that one up specifically. I need Cory. He is my rock through this. He has become a Co-Cancer Patient. LOL..Being my caregiver probably isn’t easy. And as school starts back up tomorrow after fall break, it’s going to get a tad bit more edgy in our home due to school/homework and outside activities. Just pray for my family. Pray that Satan has no chance to even cause a hiccup in the Bagby Household.
These past few days have been emotional I guess. Wednesday and Thursday were big days for me. An expander fill and my oncology appointment set me back emotionally & physically for a couple of days. Just feeling “blue” or “melancholy”. That is normal and I refuse to try and be someone I am not each day. I will allow my emotions to come out and do their thing. Just not too much. LOL…
I’m going to be honest, because this is why I have this blog, but this weekend was hard. And with a friend texting me and walking me through it I have come to realize that I need to be more aware of my marriage and the damage that can be done by all of this. I have had SO many blessings this past week. Actually the last 9 weeks have been overloaded by blessings. I do believe that Satan hates that. I believe that he has hit a barricade which is awesome! However my marriage is freely open. To be attacked I mean. The stress of cancer can put a toll on me, my husband, my kids and the household. Schedules, works, homework, school, doctor’s visits, no time off, bills, pain, emotions and so much more can really make me grumpy as well as Cory. We aren’t perfect and we make mistakes, but it’s so scary sometimes when we do. Because if we aren’t strong in our marriage, then this can truly tear us apart. I’m not saying that we are struggling but we did have a rocky weekend. Stress levels hit a high and who do we go after? Our spouse of course. Any type of disturbance like that for me puts me in a state of mind that isn’t where I want to be. I am not a fighter during those times. I feel weak. I’m sure Cory feels the same. God is doing wonderful things through this trial of ours. I am in WONDERFUL hands with doctors, and I have hundreds of prayers going out for me for my health..But Cory and I can easily get lost in the midst. So…I am asking that you pray for us. Pray that this continues to make us stronger. Pray that God gives us each the strength to not only deal with cancer, but to still honor each other, love each other and to have the time and energy for each other. The kids too. When I’m short, Cory is short therefore the kids get the crappy end of it. It’s just stressful overall and we have so many prayers but I wanted to lift that one up specifically. I need Cory. He is my rock through this. He has become a Co-Cancer Patient. LOL..Being my caregiver probably isn’t easy. And as school starts back up tomorrow after fall break, it’s going to get a tad bit more edgy in our home due to school/homework and outside activities. Just pray for my family. Pray that Satan has no chance to even cause a hiccup in the Bagby Household.
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