Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Why Oh Why?

Well not much of excitement here. I am getting better from my cold/allergy ordeal. I go to my PCP tomorrow so I hope she can take another look and just make sure that an infection has not started. Today I got a fill at Dr. Admire’s office. I only did 90cc’s today as opposed to 120cc’s. Each breast…let me remind you. They started with 60cc’s and then asked me if I could take anymore. I had to be a little tough so I said “Okay, I can do 30 more” LOL….It’s painful and uncomfortable. And the thing that is most annoying is that when you just start feeling better, you go in for another fill which sets you back a bit. As they fill the expander, the muscle stretches even more. GRUGH…..and today I either moved a certain way that I wasn’t supposed to or a nerve was pinched, I don’t know but I did something to my back on my right side. Cory tried rubbing it out, but couldn’t touch it w/out my back rejecting automatically his touch. My PCP can feel around tomorrow to see what I did.

I noticed something today. It’s kind of funny but I wanted to blog about it. I am not sure how I feel about it, but I’m trying not to spend too much energy thinking about it either. As I started to feel better, I wanted to spend more time with the kids and one of the ways I can do that is walking the kids to school. Usually Isaac rides his bike to school and so it gives me special time with Bella. Plus it’s cooler outside. That helps. But with walking Bella to school comes face to face communication with people. Sometimes I am ok to do it, but sometimes I just want to walk in, get the kids and go back home. I hate to be rude and so I will conversate (gabbee’s word) as long as I can.

So this afternoon as I picked up Bella, and talking to people on the way there and home, I come to realize that, yes people knew that I had breast cancer, but when I have a “breast profile” IM not sure how much they really know, or if I am recovering from surgery. Some people ask “you look sore” and I can’t find an easy way to say “well, these are fake, and I just got 90cc’s put in today so yup I’m a little sore”. I don’t think everyone knows that I had a double mastectomy. Especially when I walk in with boobs. It’s kind of funny, but hard to communicate. If you ask me how I feel and I can barely walk straight, I’m going to have to tell you why I am hunching over the way I am. So…incase you are just reading now, I had a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery at the same time. I have expanders in, until I am stretched at my goal and then I will have the implants in when I can. (Depending on chemo)

Chemo…Oh yes…that is still a reality. That is the other thing. So….people see me, see that I have breasts, they know I’m “clean” and now they hear that I am waiting on chemo. However I look fine…cancer is out..So why chemo? Well, please know that it’s so much bigger than a “preventative” medicine at this point. Yes, it is preventative but when you hear that your tumor was aggressive in just the short time you had it, AND you have no history in your family chemo is something that will lower my chances of cancer coming back. Now…are the doctors certain that the cancer is out? Tiny cells floating around? Maybe not. Maybe so. However chemo will grab that and kill it so it can’t even think about starting in another area. Oh man…my head is spinning because of all the reasons chemo is needed in my situation. Yes, I am cancer free (technically), yes I have new boobs but I’m not in the clear yet. I have a LONG LONG road ahead and could use all the support I can get. I have some of the BEST doctors working on me and I truly know that God has put them in my life to kick this cancer out for good. I want many many more years with my family. So there is my ranting for tonight. I just felt kind of disappointed today and I guess had to get it out there. I believe in medicine. I do. It sucks, but as I will start referring to my chemo as “big red” I know for every hair strand that falls out and every time my body is fatigued from losing the healthy cells, I know that “big red” is doing his job. Poor guy just can’t tell the difference between good and bad. But until then, I will take the fact that “Big red” is good at killing the bad. I’ll take the hair lose and fatigue and any sickness that comes with it to make sure that cancer is not in my everyday vocabulary.

Nighty Night All.

No comments:

Post a Comment