Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Physical Gabbee

Physical Gabbee UPDATE

When I was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer my mind wouldn’t stop racing of the “when did I get it” and
“How did I get it.” I thought, was it all the soda I drank, not breastfeeding, the food I ate, having mastitis after I had Bella, the wrong bra, on and on and on. I couldn’t stop thinking of why I got it. Especially after it is not hormone driven, I do not carry the gene AND I have no family history. Where did it come from? This I will probably never know.

After the incident on Thursday which was by far the worse situation I have ever dealt with, I never in my life experienced such pain. I thought I was going to explode. Well..Just my breast. Debbie Jones who is basically my personal FREE bedside RN was with me said “Gabbee, in all of my years of nursing I have never seen anything so bizarre as that day”. I literally sat in my doctor’s office and watched my breast grow. To at least a full size D. I kid you not. Filling up with blood and tightening my chest wall muscle. Pulling it further than I can handle and straining my back muscle that was already pulled out. I couldn’t take a deep breath. I could take small breaths just to make sure I was still breathing. When we drove immediately to Dr. Admire’s office he was in surgery so his nurse took me right back, opened up my shirt and immediately went into emergency mode. She wrapped me as tight as she could. I couldn’t even cry because it hurt to move my chest and I kept asking “Crystal, what is going on” and all I remember is her saying to her assistant “Call Dr. Admire on his cell phone from my cell phone” and I kept saying “Crystal, please tell me what’s going on” and finally she said “Gabbee I’m not a doctor, but I think you have a bleed”. I could have and probably should have fainted at that moment but I didn’t. I went into this “I have two kids mode and I refuse to let this take control of me.” Debbie said “Gabbee, I will be honest; you were a true trooper in an emergency situation”. HaHa…I didn’t feel that way, but I did feel like I held it somewhat together, although everyone around me probably thought I was a big baby. After she wrapped me and wrapped and wrapped me some more we head over to the Piper Surgery Center so Dr. Admire can take a look. He was in the middle of surgery or just finishing up. This was all a God thing. Not my hematoma of course, but the way it played out. Being in Scottsdale, being with Debbie (an RN), being so close to the hospital AND having Dr. Admire bring me back right away. If my muscle was going to tear, this was the perfect day and time. Thank you God for orchestrating that.

I get to the hospital, met my husband there, went back immediately in pre-op, everyone got scrubbed up and before you knew it I was awake hearing these words “Gabbee, you tore your muscle, I cleaned out 120cc’s of blood and put a new expander in.” Of course my response all drugged up just said “ok I want my husband.” Now…here is what I found out that will explain the excruating pain I felt on Thursday night and Friday. My muscle was obviously stretched more than I expected. Dr. Admire couldn’t allow that muscle to go back down to the original size it was before it tore so he filled me up (not to the full size) but enough that the muscle would stay somewhat stretched. Therefore I was sore from the fill, the surgery, the trauma and my back. Ugh, what a disaster. Am I uneven now? Yup I sure am. But I pray that when this is all said and done, I will be beautiful in that area, regardless of all this physical drama, stitches and scars.

This morning I woke up sore and stood in the shower for about 20 minutes or so. As I was washing myself I thought…what did I do to tear this muscle. Was it just the fill? Was it because I shaved my armpits, stretched my arms and washed my hair, walked Bella to school the day before, got into a fight with my husband and expanding my lungs so much that it tore a muscle (I yell loud), lifted the ice tea bottle when it was over my weight limit? I thought of everything. And here I was again. Guessing why this happened. I have no reason. I do think I was over filled but why in that breast and not the other? Dr. Admire said in his experience of 400 surgeries, he has never had this happen. So why? What did I do or what could I have done to prevent it if anything? I finally got out of the shower and just put it behind me. Of course I’m still wondering but I refuse to let that consume me. I am super duper careful and if anyone says I’m milking it, my response is “you’re right, I am milking it” I will not lift anything I know I shouldn’t be, I will not help when I know I shouldn’t be. I will not get in that situation again and I will make sure that I am doing everything on my end to not get there.

So where am I physically? Tired, sore chest, sore back but I’m easing off the pain meds other than over the counter ones. I do take valium still for the spasms, but for the most part, I’m healing each day. I lost focus. I mean….God and I. We lost touch this past week. My strength was weak; my faith was weak, my spirit was weak. I am aware of that, and I know what I have to do. For me, God is my strength. I need a good cry out to Him and to get back in focus with Him. I started to rely on my own strength and it’s not working. I’m finding myself angry, depressed and very sad. This isn’t how I want to be. I will continue my blog on “Spiritual Gabbee” later because I want the world to know. But for now, here was the update on “Physical Gabbee”.

Thank you for your prayers. Keep them coming. It’s not over yet.

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