Well today was my first "Understanding your Grief" session. This is a bit different than going to a counselor and talking my way through this. I am mourning a loss of so many things in my life. I was asked the question "what is different today then the day before you were diagnosed". I stumbled on my words for so long, trying to find the answer and then I realized. Everything is different. Nothing is the same. It may look that way from the outside in, but its truly not. And if you think it is, I will be the first to tell you that you are wrong. I have a new life. A new life that will take a while to get used to. Cancer changes everything and it doesn't stop when you are done with treatment. Im not saying that I will mourn for the rest of my life and that life doesn't move on, it does. But its a new one. I am mourning the loss of Gabbee before cancer. Its a bigger loss than I thought it would be.
I was asked to tell my story. Who I am. From being a wife, mom, Pastor and now a Breast cancer patient. I walked through my story of cancer. From the months before I found my lump, till my feelings today. I cried the whole way through, sobbing, trying to take deep breaths but couldn't. I walked through every memory that impacted me in some way. It was hard. Very hard to relive it all but it was needed.
Friday I have my petscan. The next week I have 4 doctors appointments. Petscan results, pre-op appointment for my surgery at the end of May, Pre-op appointment with my breast surgeon and my weekly Chemo. Here we go again. I'll be honest, going into these appointments are opening a wound that has not been closed yet.
I am going to be 100% honest with you as I need to in part of my healing process. I am healed but not cured. I still need your prayers and support as much as I neeeded them on July 30th 2010. I knew eventually the support would fade off. Its natural and I understand that, but Im not done. You are what helped this journey be so much easier than if I was alone. Please don't stop now.
I go in for my petscan on Friday at 7:30. Im praying of course for clear results. Im praying that everything on the scan is clear and the doctors are confident in what they see. Im praying that this weekend is full of activity which leaves me no room for anxiety until I get the results.
I appreciate your support and prayers.