Well, its been a a week or so since my last post. Lots of emotions going on this past week. Its been rough, Im not going to lie. Im not sure where to even start, or how much I want to share. I guess I can give you the basics and you can read between the lines.
Today I worked out. It felt good to be back in the gym. After I walked on the treadmill for 40 minutes then doing some arm workouts, I came home and snuggled in my bed. 40 minutes was longer than I should have done. But I did it, that is what matters. As I was laying in bed, watching TLC's "A Baby Story" Usually this show just makes me want to have another baby for about 10 minutes LOL then reality sets in. However today the show was NOT what I should have watched. A mom, with a 5 year old, discovered a lump in her breast. Masectomy, Chemo, Radiation. Stage 4 cancer. Beyond her imagination, she got pregnant. She was still going through treamtent and taking TONS of medicine during the pregnancy. At 34 weeks they induced her once they knew the baby's lungs were ready and she got to bring home a baby girl. She went in for tests for herself after she gave birth and the cancer spread to her bones and liver. They showed her and her husband talking about the fight they were going to fight, and that she has 2 girls to live for and that she doesn't want to cry everyday. They ended the show "In Loving Memory".
I sat up in bed and said "Seriously"??? I got up, I paced around for alittle bit and then weeped in the bathroom. Not only was I weeping for the fear that took over my body, but for this women that I have NEVER met. Going through what she did, getting pregnant, bearing a child, to have Cancer win the battle. UGH! Never what I want to see or hear.
The thing is...Im struggling with this all. Im afraid, as I have mentioned so many times before. Will this be the end of cancer for me? Will this be the "death" of me, maybe not now, but 25+ years from now? Will I see myself sitting in the Chemo chairs once again, talking about my first run in with breast cancer and Im back again? I think about it everyday. I have been trying to figure out how to get back to my "normal" life again. But I was reminded yesterday of something that I will need time to process and learn how to do.
This week and last has been emotional for me, because of my self image. When this all happened I was on adrenaline. I heard so many times how I "rocked the baldness" and I believed it. I heard how beautiful I was in scarves, bandannas, hats, or whatever else fit on my head. I believed it all so much that I never once doubted my image. After my masectomy I had boobs again so I never really cared so much that they just removed a part of me that is way more emotional than you would think. For months, I have never felt "uncomfortable" about it. Cory has always made me feel beautiful no matter what. Then I started to lose my eyebrows. I would ask if anyone was noticing but they just told me no. THen I had some people ask me if I "shaved" them because of how they were looking. Of coure the answer is "no". Then my scalp became irritable again and my hair started falling out again, my eyelashes getting thinner and my eyebrows with stragglers hanging around. I gained 15 pounds since Chemo and with the weight gain, and the gain "on top" if you will, my clothes aren't fitting the same way. So...give me clothes that dont fit, hair loss, loss of eyebrows, feeling insecure with my recent surgery, the fear of my upcoming petscan what do you get? An insecure women.
Tears flowed from my eyes way more than I wanted them too this past weekend. On Saturday night I turned to Cory and realized something. I have never mourned the loss of all this. I have always assumed that when I am done with all of this, I will just go back to normal. No, I wont. Unfortunatley, because I was happy, but now I have to learn to accept my new normal. I will be going through some grief counseling and additional counseling for Cory and I as these recent insecurities have definitily taken a toll however the one thing that I learned so far, is that my new normal is something that I might like. I don't know...who knows? I guess I will just have to wait and find out.
We just ask for prayer. When I look in the mirror I don't see what others see. Its not possible. And you can't see what I see.
I just ask for prayer that when I look in the mirror I see what God sees.