Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Some New Changes......

Well, its been a a week or so since my last post. Lots of emotions going on this past week. Its been rough, Im not going to lie. Im not sure where to even start, or how much I want to share. I guess I can give you the basics and you can read between the lines.

Today I worked out. It felt good to be back in the gym. After I walked on the treadmill for 40 minutes then doing some arm workouts, I came home and snuggled in my bed. 40 minutes was longer than I should have done. But I did it, that is what matters. As I was laying in bed, watching TLC's "A Baby Story" Usually this show just makes me want to have another baby for about 10 minutes LOL then reality sets in. However today the show was NOT what I should have watched. A mom, with a 5 year old, discovered a lump in her breast. Masectomy, Chemo, Radiation. Stage 4 cancer. Beyond her imagination, she got pregnant. She was still going through treamtent and taking TONS of medicine during the pregnancy. At 34 weeks they induced her once they knew the baby's lungs were ready and she got to bring home a baby girl. She went in for tests for herself after she gave birth and the cancer spread to her bones and liver. They showed her and her husband talking about the fight they were going to fight, and that she has 2 girls to live for and that she doesn't want to cry everyday. They ended the show "In Loving Memory".

I sat up in bed and said "Seriously"??? I got up, I paced around for alittle bit and then weeped in the bathroom. Not only was I weeping for the fear that took over my body, but for this women that I have NEVER met. Going through what she did, getting pregnant, bearing a child, to have Cancer win the battle. UGH! Never what I want to see or hear.

The thing is...Im struggling with this all. Im afraid, as I have mentioned so many times before. Will this be the end of cancer for me? Will this be the "death" of me, maybe not now, but 25+ years from now? Will I see myself sitting in the Chemo chairs once again, talking about my first run in with breast cancer and Im back again? I think about it everyday. I have been trying to figure out how to get back to my "normal" life again. But I was reminded yesterday of something that I will need time to process and learn how to do.

This week and last has been emotional for me, because of my self image. When this all happened I was on adrenaline. I heard so many times how I "rocked the baldness" and I believed it. I heard how beautiful I was in scarves, bandannas, hats, or whatever else fit on my head. I believed it all so much that I never once doubted my image. After my masectomy I had boobs again so I never really cared so much that they just removed a part of me that is way more emotional than you would think. For months, I have never felt "uncomfortable" about it. Cory has always made me feel beautiful no matter what. Then I started to lose my eyebrows. I would ask if anyone was noticing but they just told me no. THen I had some people ask me if I "shaved" them because of how they were looking. Of coure the answer is "no". Then my scalp became irritable again and my hair started falling out again, my eyelashes getting thinner and my eyebrows with stragglers hanging around. I gained 15 pounds since Chemo and with the weight gain, and the gain "on top" if you will, my clothes aren't fitting the same way. So...give me clothes that dont fit, hair loss, loss of eyebrows, feeling insecure with my recent surgery, the fear of my upcoming petscan what do you get? An insecure women.

Tears flowed from my eyes way more than I wanted them too this past weekend. On Saturday night I turned to Cory and realized something. I have never mourned the loss of all this. I have always assumed that when I am done with all of this, I will just go back to normal. No, I wont. Unfortunatley, because I was happy, but now I have to learn to accept my new normal. I will be going through some grief counseling and additional counseling for Cory and I as these recent insecurities have definitily taken a toll however the one thing that I learned so far, is that my new normal is something that I might like. I don't know...who knows? I guess I will just have to wait and find out.

We just ask for prayer. When I look in the mirror I don't see what others see. Its not possible. And you can't see what I see.

I just ask for prayer that when I look in the mirror I see what God sees.


  1. When you look upon that mirror and begin to wander off into the fleshly image before you, thats when you close your eyes to see what God sees because he is about the heart and Spirit.

    That works for me when I find my favorite outfit 3 sizes ago with a tiny waist. As I begin to cry over what was before my cancer, I draw near to him with my eyes closed and pray. If I cant pray, I start singing. Whatever works for you Gabbee, this is what I pray. A refreshing of the Spirit of God within you so the next time you look in that mirrored image, you look yourself in the eye and see the mirror to your soul.

  2. Gabee....as much as I cannot understand what you have gone through and are feeling, I trust God's word will be an encouragement to you!!! Hang in there girl!

    1 Peter 3:3 Do not adorn yourselves outwardly by braiding your hair, and by wearing gold ornaments or fine clothing; 4 rather, let your adornment be the inner self with the lasting beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in God's sight.

    Psalm 139: To the leader. Of David. A Psalm.
    1 O LORD, you have searched me and known me.
    2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from far away.
    3 You search out my path and my lying down,
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
    4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
    O LORD, you know it completely.
    5 You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
    6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is so high that I cannot attain it.

    7 Where can I go from your spirit?
    Or where can I flee from your presence?
    8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there;
    if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there.
    9 If I take the wings of the morning
    and settle at the farthest limits of the sea,
    10 even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me fast.
    11 If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light around me become night’,
    12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is as bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

    13 For it was you who formed my inward parts;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
    14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
    Wonderful are your works;
    that I know very well.
    15 My frame was not hidden from you,
    when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
    16 Your eyes beheld my unformed substance.
    In your book were written
    all the days that were formed for me,
    when none of them as yet existed.
    17 How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
    18 I try to count them—they are more than the sand;
    I come to the end*—I am still with you.

    19 O that you would kill the wicked, O God,
    and that the bloodthirsty would depart from me—
    20 those who speak of you maliciously,
    and lift themselves up against you for evil!*
    21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
    And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
    22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
    I count them my enemies.
    23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my thoughts.
    24 See if there is any wicked* way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.*

    Praying for you always :)

  3. Gabbee,

    I read a scripture this week and it has really helped me, with what my family is going through because of cancer. I hope it helps you today. . . "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him for God is our refuge." Psalms 62:5-8

    Beth Moore said that the word "Trust" in the Greek means to attach yourself to Him. Through all of this turmoil and fear, my prayer for you is that you will "Attach yourself to Him". He has a wonderful ministry for you to do in your family, in your community and in your church. Attach to Him so that your fears will diminish and you will see clearly what His Will and plan is. I know you will. . .you are like me, you need to set a time to verbalize what is going on, then you see things better and in a clearer way.

    You are loved. Bonnie

  4. Thanks Gabbee, this inspired a bible study for me. I'm a KJV girl.

    Eph 1:18 "Eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that ye may know the hope of his calling." Psalm 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thine eyes.
    Proverbs 15:30 "The light of the eyes rejoice the heart;"
    MT 6:22 and Luke 11:34 "The light of the body is the eyes." (mirror to the soul)

  5. Thanks Ladies for the encouraging words & scriptures! :)