Monday, April 11, 2011

Debbie Downer or Negative Nelly. Your choice

So I guess I can say that Im having "one of those days." There are so many emotions attached to this "cancer thing" that honestly I think at my PCP doctor tomorrow I will be seeking out counseling. I just need to basically figure out to to live normal again. Its not that easy just to go from one extreme to the other. I hope there is noone out there that thinks it works that way. I have been pretty strong emotionally and physically..doing things that I have heard others not achomplish, but that isn't what Im talking about.

I am really struggling on how to fit my life that I had before chemo into my new life. I have a ton of "new" things that are a part of me now, still a long road ahead of me and just becuase you finish chemo doesn't mean you finish cancer. I wish it was that way.

My poor husband has been my counselor, and Im sure he is getting tired of just "listening" and not responding because he isn't sure how I will take it. Yesterday I had a TOUGH DAY! I was wrapped up in self pity. My self image for the first time got to me.

Here it goes. I gained 15 pounds on chemo (don't tell me you can't see it, cause I do) My hair is falling out again (no idea why it grew then fell) my eyebrows are falling out on a daily basis (might as well have none) I have no eyelashes to hold masacra (or else it runs into my eyes) and my chest is SO MUCH bigger than before so my clothes fit terribly.

Now for a girl. These are all issues that are a "big deal". I had such an issue with my self image yesterday which made me super cranky. Cory finally snapped back at me and said "Im tired of hearing you have a self pity party"

Well....Whatever! LOL But here is the deal guys. That crap bothers me. I want hair, I want my eyebrows, I want my eyelashes. I want clothes that don't make me look like Im a DD, I want clothes that fit, rather than throwing jeans on the floor because I can't button them. And yes Im serious.

As much happiness as I have that I am done with Taxol (which by the way was terrible this week. Thank you Cory for being my rock through it) I still have so much more and I think I hyped myself up so much last week and now Im coming down. Yes, I have chemo 45 more times, Yes I have a petscan in 4 weeks that Im deathly afraid of, Yes I have a Cardio Doc appt in 2 weeks, Yes I have an appt with my Breast Surgeon in 2 weeks, My pre-op appt with Admire in 3 weeks, and all the follow up appointments that go with all that.

That stuff I am used to. I guess. However what I am not used to is going back to my daily routine that once was part of my life before cancer, that I put aside. I have still had my hand in a lot of things, but now I see it all coming back x10. Im soooo not ready for drama, Im sooo not ready for my plate to be overloaded with working two jobs/school/ministry, Im sooo not ready to take on the finances again, Im so not ready to fill my calendar up with "to do" lists rather than doctors appointments. I know that sounds weird, but its just what I have been used to for the last 10 months.

Ahhhhh there it is. me what you want. Negative Nelly or Debbie Downer but those are my thoughts and this is my journal.

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