So, as you all know I am doing some grief counseling. Actually both Cory and I are. I started last week and he started this week. It was pretty emotional for both of us. Cory told me that he doesn't remember much from the day I was diagnosed to the day he went to the hospital for chest pain. I asked him "Dont you remember crying ourselves to sleep that night I was diagnosed" and his answer was no. Amazing how people deal with things differently than others.
Today I went for my counseling session intake with a Psychologist. Cory will go on Monday. We met for 2 1/2 hours. She asked me every question in the book. I was fine up until the question that broke me. She said "What does "better" look like for you?" I took a deep breath, or at this point, I tried since my anxiety hit, and then the tears fell and said "I can't see better right now."
We talked about a ton of other stuff. From childhood stuff, to family, to my support and then the hardest part. Anxiety/Fear and all that comes with Cancer. She asked me how I deal with it, what makes me feel better when Im feeling anxious and what makes me feel worse. After talking through it, I realized that I hate being alone. When Im alone, I feel anxious because cancer consumes my every thought. Not so much the fact that I have cancer, cuz technically I don't, but what I went through, how my life stopped, what I am still going through, and the fear of the unknown. When I talked about what I do to help me day by day, I told her that I am constantly trying to fill my life up with people. Whether its a walk, or a coffee date, or a meeting, events or family time. It fills my time so I dont think about all the yuck. When I am at home working, Im alone. Im full of fear, distracted, not movitivated to do housework or phone calls. We went back and forth for awhile talking about each of those things and when I was discussing this with my sister tonight I said "I never realized how being alone affected me so much." She said "Gabbee, you have said from day one to please never leave you alone, that your biggest fear was to be alone." LOL I don't remember that but it makes sense. For 10 months I have had people in my life, at my home, taking care of me, eyes on me all the time. Now I don't. Now I have people when I ask for it. This is how it should be in a normal life. But I don't know how to function without it. I should never feel anxious or depressed because Im alone. Ahhh, anyway this is what I will be working through. I feel good that Im on track. I am in two different counseling sessions, I have great support and of course I have the hands of Jesus walking me through it all.
Praying each day is a better day.
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