The past is creeping back in this week.

6 days from now I will be having my second portion of my reconstrutive  surgery. This surgery would seem so much easier and a bit more fun, which it does at times because the expanders are very uncomfortable, however the whole emotional process of it all is creeping back into my life.

Gearing my family up for this next week of recovery, babysitters, hospitals, recovery time, pain medicine managments, limited showers because of the bandages, meals, lack of work which is more lack of income, and of course the healing time. Going into surgery this time feels like it would be better than the first, however I am starting to feel a ton of anxiety just going back in there, which is understandable in my mind.

I see my breast surgeon today at 11:30. I haven't seen her since my first surgery in September 2010. She will feel around today for any suspicion and give me the clear for surgery on Monday. Im anxious and afraid, mostly because of the history with her and where I started with all of this. As I think about driving to the appt today, I remember that day I drove to her office with my sister, mom and Debbie (my personal friend and nurse) Cory was in the hospital with chest pain. What a disaster that day was. I remember feeling so angry and frustrated at everyone that didn't understand. I remember thinking I was going to go in there, here the word lumpectomy and be done. Instead I heard Masectomy, Chemotherapy and I simply couldn't breathe. I came home that night emotionally exhausted and wondering how I got here. I just can't believe it. As I write this, tears are falling from my eyes, remembering those days of disbelief and uncertainity.

Wow, I guess I needed to blog more than I thought. Well at this point, I just ask for prayer. Prayer for my anxiety, prayer for our family as we go through another hiccup in the home and prayer for my surgery on Monday.

I will update later today.