Monday, September 12, 2011

September 12th 2011

Last night was by far the worst nights sleep I had in a long time. Even with medicine to help me it still sucked. I tossed and turned, dreamed crazy dreams, and my underarm hurts. Im frustrated and SO ANXIOUS.

As most of you know, yesterday morning as I was getting ready for church I was in the shower and just like last year, I was washing up and felt something odd under my arm. I checked again and there I felt a small ball type of lump. I continued on to feel around where my cancerous lump was just to check everything and it was fine. I got out of the shower, processing it, walked into the closet, got dressed and felt it again, hoping it was gone. There it was. And it hurts.

About 2 weeks ago, I was feeling some pain under there and I was massaging it, while cooking. Cory noticed it and asked if I was ok, and I told him that it feels weird. But I didn't feel much. We let it go.

Almost 6 mths ago, at my check up with my breast surgeon I was telling her that my left side hurt and she didn't feel anything. She said it could be from the surgery, with my ligaments and what not just trying to mend back together, however if it was my right side, she would be concerned since that was my "cancer" side.

So I was thankful it wasn't and moved on.

Here I am today. Not only with pain on my right, but with a lump too. Im not angry, Im trying to figure it all out. Im not angry period. Im frustrated because if it is cancer, I feel that I took the most extreme measures to avoid this. But as I was reading last night, my tumor type HER2 Positive, usually has a recurrance within 3-5 years. I think I must have missed that information at my initial check up. My issue is, that I am still on Herceptin which targets my receptors that catches cancerous cells and builds them up real fast. So....why would this happen? What did we miss?

I know it could be nothing. It most certainly can. However my mind doesn't go there and I hope you understand why. Im trying so hard to think positive, but this is all such a reminder to me of everything. Finding a lump, being anxious, waiting on doctors, not believing they will believe you, thinking Im over reacting, going for tests, waiting for results, hearing that Im young, no cancer history, my chances are low and so on and so on...just brings me back to the time when my life changed. It sucks, it truly does.

Right now, I just need answers, I need possibilities, I need Doctors reassurance, or I need Honesty. I definitly don't want to be naive. I need all case scenerios.

I have a ton of questions for my oncologist this morning at 9:20. Im praying that she is detailed, gives me all scenerios, I pray for quick testing, I pray for action. I pray there is a concern enough that tests will detect a problem or not. Then I will face that road when I come to it.

Of course my prayer is that its nothing. I want to be healed forever and forever and never deal with this crap. I want my 28 treatments to be it. Of course that is my prayer.

I trust God, I know that what He has for me will be Good. I know His word, Im in it everyday and I don't doubt it.

I pray that after all this worry, I get to breathe a sigh of relief. Until then, I will be pro-active and taking all measures to know, because I can't believe that its not possible.

Here I am again. Lets see where this path takes me. Just pray.

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