I have been wanting to blog lately but I haven't felt the desire to blog because of how much I’m struggling emotionally, and I didn't want it to be a pity party. I’ve heard the encouragement I have given to others and when I feel down, I feel like maybe I need to keep it to myself so others don't see that I am weak, but then this morning, I was reminded that this is probably when you need to see me, because you need to see the "real" me.
I don't want to go into details of why I am in the place that I am, because honestly I feel like I have been having to explain my feelings and also feeling that they need to be justified and I don't like that. I am just where I am and I know that I won’t be here for long, but I also know that I will be here again and that’s ok. This is my new normal and this comes with the territory of the disease that I have.
Currently I am my 4th class at Nazarene Bible College as you know I am working on my BA in Pastoral Ministries. I’m very excited about this. My current class is spiritual formation. This class is a way for us to find our own patterns of devotion using spiritual disciplines. Silence/Solitude, Scriptural meditation and journaling allowing us to create a pattern that separates us from everyday life, and spending time with God. Pretty cool class huh?
So my homework is spending time with God. LOL..There is always a bit more accountability there when I am working towards getting an A.
This class couldn't have come at a better time for me in my personal life. I do feel defeated even though I know I am not. I feel weary in so many areas in my life, I am overwhelmed with guilt and I question every little thing that goes on in my life and my actions. It’s not healthy and I can't wait till I am through this dark tunnel. Finances are running empty, with my recent scares and we had to put our kids doctor’s appointments aside which causes guilt. It’s either my testing or theirs. It’s a hard choice to make. Finally we were able to take Isaac to his appointment yesterday with a wonderful bill of $243.00 out of pocket. So this past week we have paid over $700 out of pocket for medical bills. Our personal bills are not getting paid and honestly I am extremely bitter about that. I’m just so frustrated that these are the cards I have been handed in regards to medical care. I don't get it and for those that have medical care and take advantage of it, I get very defensive about that because I just can't believe I am at the point of paying for all of this. I just don't get it. There are times when I accept it, but there are times when I become angry at it. I think I have a pretty decent reason but I know that if I allow it to brew in my mind, I continue to slide downhill.
This morning, as I was doing my Homework (journaling on the topic about "who Jesus is to me") I was lying in bed and Bella just woke up and came in my room. I looked at her, said "Good Morning Sunshine" and she crawled in my bed and laid in my arms. I held her so tight and she held me back and I kissed her forehead and pulled her hair that was stuck in her dried up drool on her face and put it behind her ears. :) She kept hugging me tighter and tighter and said "I love you mom" and I told her "I love you more".
I suddenly had an image of Jesus and me in this situation. When I am feeling defeated the way I do, I imagine walking up to Him, His arms stretched out and motioning me to come and sit with Him. Allowing His arms to embrace me through these rough times that I am in. That is comfort for me. The love I have for my kids is infinite, but I know that the Love God has for me is far greater. It's hard to fathom, but I’m learning more and more how much He loves and doesn't want me to walk this walk alone.
2 Corinthians 1:7 "And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort."