I find myself praising God for cysts and ruptured cysts nowadays. Today was an emotional day. I honestly thought my results from my pelvic exam would come back normal. I knew I felt "weird" about stuff, but didn't think it would be the case.
I was getting chemo, feeling "good" and perky and chatting with my fellow cancer peeps near me. Texting, reading, Facebooking...the normal stuff. My nurse came in and gave me the results from my ultrasound. 2 benign cysts, 1 ruptured cyst and enlarged uterus with some fibrocystic cysts lining my uterus. The radiologist noted on my report that an HCG testing was recommended to rule out a miscarriage. I sobbed. My wheels started turning, my mind went blank and my perky little self once again sank down in the chair. I called my GYN and begged to get in today but was not successful. I watched my Herceptin bag slowly drip into my body which normally takes no time at all, but today it was dripping as slow as molasses.
I can't express the thoughts that run through my mind at this point. I didn't worry so much about cancer, but miscarriage? Rupture? What was happening to my body? I have had such abnormal cycles these past few months and I was analyzing everything. At one point I told Cory that they can take everything out. I don't want anything in my body that is creating a problem. I went into survival mode.
I cried all the way home just yelling out "I don't get it, why do I have to keep dealing with this". Cory just put his hand on my knee speechless. I was crying and asking questions about everything and every possibility. Having images in my head and scenario's and on and on and on.
Cory and I got home at 12:00..dragging our feet in the door when my phone rang and it was my GYN doc. "Hey can you come in the office at 1:00"? GRUGH..Thank you God for answering my prayers but why o why couldn't this call be 45 minutes ago. So back in the car we went into town and sat down with the doctor. I had 7 or 8 questions lined up for him and I wanted details, details, details.
First thing ruled out was a failed pregnancy. By his experience and a pregnancy test. Normally in my past experience, a positive test would be a blessing, but when you have medicine killing the good things in your body, a pregnancy is not something you want right now nor anything your body can handle on chemotherapy.
So moving on..he confirmed everything else and bottom line is this is a bittersweet thing I guess. CHemo is doing its job, however its causing my ovaries to go crazy and they are making blood filled cysts with one ruptured already. This is common Im sure and Ive heard.
Its crazy when they start talking about the shape of your cyst. I remember that definition so clearly when I got my lumped checked out. That was very important in determining if it was a concern. He did see some abnormal shaping on the cysts inside my uterus but for now we will watch it.
In 3 months I will get another ultrasound and in 6 weeks I will check in with him to see how I am doing. He put me on a very low dosage of Progesterone to help calm things down in my body and he would like to see this as a temporary thing since we know what extensive hormones can do.
Anyway, Im now laying on my couch, processing the emotional day, going through the physical part of chemo and trying to get rid of my headache.
Tomorrow is a new day. A friend gave me a card today and this verse is my comfort as I go through another struggle in the life of cancer.
Joshua 1:9 "Dont ever be afraid or discouraged! I am the Lord your God, and I will be there to help you wherever you go!"
Amen
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