When you find out that you have cancer most of the responses are "I have someone I want you to meet." I literally had a list going of phone #'s of women that have went through this and could be a benefit to talk to. One of the biggest problems was finding someone that was in my age range with small children. As I started to make my list my husband came home and said "Hey, one of the doctors I work with has a friend who is going through breast cancer too, I have her blog, do you want it?" My initial response was to roll my eyes and say "ok". I never checked out her blog and Cory came home the next day asking if I read her blog. I told him that I didn't and I am just not ready to meet anyone yet. But he told me that he started to read it and that he thinks it will be good for me. GO CORY! BECAUSE HE WAS RIGHT.
So I opened my laptop and typed in http://www.kickitkiki.com/. I was INSTANTLY hooked. Why? Because her opening blogs were a mirror image of mine. She was within 10 years of my age, she has two smaller children than myself, married, long blonde hair, tall thin and beautiful and I was drawn to her posts. Her posts immediatley hit home. I was so pumped and I told my friend Amy this. "I promise you, I will meet her, and will have coffee with her."
So I sent her a message on her blog, letting her know of my situation. She didn't respond back and I was kind of dissapointed but I figured she was going through her "bad" days of chemo so I gave it a week. I come to find out later that her dad passed away and she had to fly back to be there. When she got back, she immediatly emailed me back. I was SO EXCITED. We chatted through email a few times and then we set a date. I was so nervous to meet her. Not only because I felt an instant connection but I was afraid to see what I would look like.
My sister and I went to starbucks on Friday to meet Kiki (Her real name is Kristin). I went to the bathroom and when I came out I noticed that my sister was talking to someone. I looked harder and there she was. Tall, beautiful, full of life, bald with a darling hat and smiling like I never seen before. I rushed out there and we both embraced eachother as if we haven't seen eachother in years but have known eachother for years. It was instant and I am SO THANKFUL that God has put her in my life because He knows that I need her. Need her advice, her knowledge, her fears, her happiness and her reality of it all.
We chatted for 2 hours. I asked everything I could think of. I had such a headache when we left because my adrenailine was pumped and my brain was racing. I know that this is the start of a new friendship.
I don't want to repeat everything that we talked because I want to respect her, but I will tell you this. She was diagnosed in April and she is still scared, she is still insecure BUT she is so full of life, she is confident already that she is a survivor and she wants to use her story to help others that are going through it.
She is my new friend. :) She might not live close and we might not talk everyday but we share something that I have never shared with another person. Breast Cancer. We will walk the same walk and fight the same fight. I am honored to know her, and to know that she will be there through some dark times.
Yesterday KiKi gave me hope. I got to see a real live cancer patient. Not from the movies, not from the magazines, not from a doctors prespective but a real live human being facing the challenges that I will be facing. They may be different at times, only God knows, but my hope is that I shine like she does, regardless of the dark battle I have to endure.
Thank you KiKi!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Day 30 "Ask & You Shall Receive"
Ask & You Shall Receive, that is what I feel today. I am overwhelmed with everyone's giving hearts.
First...Thank you to the anonymous donation of movie tickets in the mail with NO RETURN ADDRESS....Sneaky little someone! :) I was SO SURPRISED and So excited. Im sure you read my my blog that mentioned how I would like to take the family out for a movie before surgery. Ask & You Shall Receive.
THANK YOU!!!! The kids are SUPER EXCITED! As we are too!
Second...Thank you for the hotel donation! Within a half hour I had text messages and emails for hotel donations. And I just asked for a discount! HaHa...I am so blessed to have the support I do. I can't even imagine doing this without everyone! Thank you for allowing Cory and I to embrace that time alone before our world turns around the next day. We both are very grateful.
Third...My job at home. I am so blessed to have employers that are here to help. Loss of hours are obviously an issue because of the time that is consumed by doctors and all that goes with it, and they support me and bless me with PTO. Im truly overwhelmed at this moment.
Fourth..My dear dear husband. The little things count. When this all started I told him this. "I just need you to hold me and stay silent, I need to feel safe in your arms and know that you love me NO MATTER WHAT". He tries everyday to fulfill that. He thinks about things now before he speaks. LOL...And takes his time before he responds to my emotions. This morning out of the blue he says "Im going to get you a medicine cabinet for your side of the bed. I don't like the thought of having your meds in our "family" medicine cabinet". He wants it closed off and seperated. (If you have seen our family medicine cabinet, you understand why. But OMG, I was in love with that offer. LOL. We walked out the door for another doctors appointment and I said "Im so happy right now". So he said "Why" and I said "Because, Im excited about my medicine cabinet" LOL....His response? "WoW that was easy" :) So he got me one today. Its not the typical cabinet you find in a bathroom. Its a pretty shelf with drawers that he stained the same color as our shelves in our bedroom. :) That way I can put all my meds, dressings and washcloths in a secure spot. :) Thank you Cory! I love you more and more each day we go through this.
Fifth...My pediatrician. I brought Bella in today to get her belly checked out. I feel confident that its a lactose thing and so does he, however because of my situation, he said "Lets just get some blood work done and a tummy x-ray so that we can rule all that out now and give you a sense of peace." YAY! So we went right next door and got that all done. She was a trooper. If all that shows negative then we will start a diet journal for him to rule out any allergies to food. He was SO HELPFUL today and truly a support. He informed us of the kids "mindset" of all this and suggested that we utulize our insurance and take them for counseling. I really like that idea, because yes we have talked to them OVER AND OVER about it, but once they see their mom that way, it might be a whole different story. What a great opportunity for them to be able to talk about it with someone. Cory suggested that we all go. LOL! He might need it too! Our Pediatirician also gave us a resource for Cory. This has been our pediatrician since Isaac was born...so 9 1/2 years. He leaned against the wall and said "Cory you looked wiped out, you need to talk to someone and get support for yourself". THANK YOU DOCTOR MARTIN! We are blessed!
These are all blessings today. For every other blessing by others that happen on a daily basis I love you! I truly Love you and am beyond thankful for you.
Today during our drive around town, I got my thoughts together for my design on my T-shirt that I will be selling and fundraising with. It will have a ribbon with a bible verse in it and some other cool stuff by Scott (artizenorganics.com) As I was going through the verses that I have been keeping I ALWAYS go back to this one.
Jeremiah 29:11. (Message)
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out, plans to take care of you, not to abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
I love that fact that this will outline my ribbon. Its a reminder that no matter what I am going through, He will NOT abandon me through this time. All of you are working for Him. I hope you all know that. With every service that is done for me, you are assisting Him. Thank you for being His hands and feet once again.
First...Thank you to the anonymous donation of movie tickets in the mail with NO RETURN ADDRESS....Sneaky little someone! :) I was SO SURPRISED and So excited. Im sure you read my my blog that mentioned how I would like to take the family out for a movie before surgery. Ask & You Shall Receive.
THANK YOU!!!! The kids are SUPER EXCITED! As we are too!
Second...Thank you for the hotel donation! Within a half hour I had text messages and emails for hotel donations. And I just asked for a discount! HaHa...I am so blessed to have the support I do. I can't even imagine doing this without everyone! Thank you for allowing Cory and I to embrace that time alone before our world turns around the next day. We both are very grateful.
Third...My job at home. I am so blessed to have employers that are here to help. Loss of hours are obviously an issue because of the time that is consumed by doctors and all that goes with it, and they support me and bless me with PTO. Im truly overwhelmed at this moment.
Fourth..My dear dear husband. The little things count. When this all started I told him this. "I just need you to hold me and stay silent, I need to feel safe in your arms and know that you love me NO MATTER WHAT". He tries everyday to fulfill that. He thinks about things now before he speaks. LOL...And takes his time before he responds to my emotions. This morning out of the blue he says "Im going to get you a medicine cabinet for your side of the bed. I don't like the thought of having your meds in our "family" medicine cabinet". He wants it closed off and seperated. (If you have seen our family medicine cabinet, you understand why. But OMG, I was in love with that offer. LOL. We walked out the door for another doctors appointment and I said "Im so happy right now". So he said "Why" and I said "Because, Im excited about my medicine cabinet" LOL....His response? "WoW that was easy" :) So he got me one today. Its not the typical cabinet you find in a bathroom. Its a pretty shelf with drawers that he stained the same color as our shelves in our bedroom. :) That way I can put all my meds, dressings and washcloths in a secure spot. :) Thank you Cory! I love you more and more each day we go through this.
Fifth...My pediatrician. I brought Bella in today to get her belly checked out. I feel confident that its a lactose thing and so does he, however because of my situation, he said "Lets just get some blood work done and a tummy x-ray so that we can rule all that out now and give you a sense of peace." YAY! So we went right next door and got that all done. She was a trooper. If all that shows negative then we will start a diet journal for him to rule out any allergies to food. He was SO HELPFUL today and truly a support. He informed us of the kids "mindset" of all this and suggested that we utulize our insurance and take them for counseling. I really like that idea, because yes we have talked to them OVER AND OVER about it, but once they see their mom that way, it might be a whole different story. What a great opportunity for them to be able to talk about it with someone. Cory suggested that we all go. LOL! He might need it too! Our Pediatirician also gave us a resource for Cory. This has been our pediatrician since Isaac was born...so 9 1/2 years. He leaned against the wall and said "Cory you looked wiped out, you need to talk to someone and get support for yourself". THANK YOU DOCTOR MARTIN! We are blessed!
These are all blessings today. For every other blessing by others that happen on a daily basis I love you! I truly Love you and am beyond thankful for you.
Today during our drive around town, I got my thoughts together for my design on my T-shirt that I will be selling and fundraising with. It will have a ribbon with a bible verse in it and some other cool stuff by Scott (artizenorganics.com) As I was going through the verses that I have been keeping I ALWAYS go back to this one.
Jeremiah 29:11. (Message)
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out, plans to take care of you, not to abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
I love that fact that this will outline my ribbon. Its a reminder that no matter what I am going through, He will NOT abandon me through this time. All of you are working for Him. I hope you all know that. With every service that is done for me, you are assisting Him. Thank you for being His hands and feet once again.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Day 29 "I hope you find as much enjoyment in today as I did"
Well we left the house at 8:00am and returned at 5:30pm. I tried to think of the best way to sum up my day, but I decided Im just going to go back and walk you through it. Hang on....your brain might hurt after reading this.
Im going to bring you back to Tuesday. I went to the dentist because I knew I had a cavity that was on its way to turn bad and the surgeon suggested that I get any work done before surgery because infections will grab on to the expander. So I did go, and I had a "deep" cleaning, a cavity filling and an extraction. I spent 3 hours at the dentist. YUCK!
I came home and tried to rest up because I had youth group in a few hours. I was contemplating on staying home, but I don't want to miss a beat with those kids anymore than I have to. I told myself that I will just go, not talk to much so my mouth wont hurt. HAHAHAHA....Me? Gabbee? Not talk much? No way! Yup I did. I started our lesson and then I got going and started preaching. LOL! That kept my mouth moving.
Anyway when I got home, I was SORE!! My "extraction" spot was bleeding tons more than normal. I was up all night changing the guaze pads. Realizing that I dont like to be up sick alone. Yes my husband is in the bed next to me, but he's snoring like a bear. I had my side table light on, my TV on and books near me...but it's nothing like having someone there. So this morning I told Cory that when I am sick, he needs to stay up with me and to sleep during the day. LOL. He was NOT happy about that.
So....as you can imagine I was super sore and cranky this morning. I stopped the Ibropfun because its a blood thinner and I thought that was contributing to the excessive bleeding so I went meds free. :( Yuck!
Okay, so our first stop? Tina's Treasure. This boutique is in the lobby of where I will be getting my surgery done. They have everything for women facing a masectomy and chemo. We parked and walked over to the wrong building first. So we walked back towards the "cancer" center. I quickly said to myself "wow, I no longer just see my primary care doctor". I walk into the "cancer" center now. Never in a million years, I would have EVER guessed. I mean, sure it would cross my mind of being sick from any disease, but never once did I imagine myself walking into this boutique. But we did. We walked in and were greeted with smiles and sweetness. I told them of my diagnosis and they went and got a "consultant". She was super sweet and brought us back to a "private" room. The room was adorable. Filled with cute stuff. So Cory and I sat on a pretty white bench and listened to the consultant tell us about my free gift. A masectomy vest (cami) and bra with padding so that after surgery I can have some type of something when I go into public. She also told me that I could pick two heart shaped pillows. And that these pillows were made by women who love to sew and they can be used under my arms after surgery. I also got a pen/journal, pin and water bottle. :) Well the best part comes now. So, after I told the consultant of my surgery choice, she said that one of the supervisors had that surgery. She was about 60+ yrs of age...and she got this done 4 years ago. She said "would you like to see them"? At first, I thought maybe a picture, or a clay model. LOL....Then when she walked out I looked at Cory and said "Hmmm I didn't expect that, but when she comes in, you make sure you excuse yourself" Of course he agreed. So here comes this very conservative classy woman. I said "Cory is going to leave" and they both said "Oh, you can handle it, its ok, you should know what to expect too" LOL..So I looked at him and said "your call". Honestly I dont think Cory knew what to do, so he just sat down.
Bonnie (woman with the boobs) lifted her shirt so I could see her bra and had me touch them. Then she lifted her bra. My reaction was "oh wow, you have a niple" LOL...She had niples tattoo'd but they also created the nipple to make it more "real". She quickly covered herself back up and we just chatted about her journey. After we left the room Cory and I just looked at eachother and laughed. Here we are. 2 months (almost 3 now) we were working, raising two children, doing ministry, arguing about bills, running a crazy schedule and now we are at Tina's Treasure looking at Bonnie's reconstructive boobs and shopping for wigs and laughing the whole way through. Hmmmm. Not something I planned. But it was definitly interesting and Im glad I got to share it with him. I kind of want to take my girlfriends back and introduce them to Bonnie. LOL...I want them to see too. :)
Anywho....we left there and went to Dunkin Donuts so I can eat something. Something soft. Blueberry muffin. Yum! Did you know that I used to work there when I was a teen? It was such a great job. I walked in and my teenage years instantly came back. It was a great smell. :)
After our food stop, we proceeded onto our next appointment. My pre-op at the Breast Surgeons office.
Man, where do I start? Well for starters, I love Dr. Liu! God made her especially for me. LOL. She get's me, laughs at me and truly finds happiness in my questions. She said "before I start to go over surgery details, do you have any questions for me". So I turned to Cory and said "Can I have my notes". LOL...After we went through my list I said "Ok so now I know you are going to think Im crazy" and she stopped me and said "Gabbee, your craziness found a cancerous lump, so embrace it". So I said "Ok well, I feel pressure in my armpits" then she cracked a smile. I said "I know, I know, Im probably fine, but can you feel them again just to make sure, and my cancerous lump feels bigger, can you feel it again too". Of course she said yes. So she did a breast exam and felt my "new" lump and said she thinks its nothing but lets do an ultrasound just to make sure. She felt my armpits and they felt fine to her. I also did the gene test again. So off it went today to the lab. 2 weeks I should know the results.
So here is the new news that maybe she told me before but I didn't hear. Chemo will be 2 rounds. One round which is 4-6 months and then another round that will be 12 months. The 12 month round will not cause me to lose my hair, but the first round will. But atleast it can grow back during my 2nd round. The reason for those two rounds is because of the hormone that I am lacking. Or something like that. I have it all written down, but I couldn't tell you the name of it.
Now for surgery. I will go in on the 17th and get the double masectomy and expanders put in. She will also dye my lymph nodes and take 3-5 of them out and test them during my surgery. If they come out positive then she will remove all of them. If they come back with a tiny amount (2mm or less) then she will leave them in and give me radiation. So this is news that I am anticipating because that puts my treatment at 20 months long.
Implants. Now this will be done in 3 segments. Expanders during surgery, then when they are ready I will go back in and take the expander out and put the implant in. Then down the road they will attach a nipple and put the tattoo on. Now....IF my lymph nodes are affected and I have to have radiation then I can not have the implants in till after I am done. Thats about May2012. Whew...lots of information right?
After all that, she just went on to surgery information. Because I am getting the dye for my lymph nodes, I have to check in at 7:30am. I also have to register before I do that, so I have to be at the surgery center at 6:30 which is an hour from our house..during traffic on a friday so we would have to leave by 5am. Im not digging that...so we would love to stay in Scottsdale the night before. Im hoping that we can get a nice hotel (Cory & I) get in a jacuzzi, and have a relaxing night just the two of us before we enter into this world of recovery and fight! So Im seeking out hotels...(if you know anyone that gets discounts, please let me know)
So....after we spent an hour and a half there, we went onto the ultrasound. I have to admit I think I was numb to this. I went in like a pro. As if "I have cancer, I know how this works..lets get this over with". LOL. I did go back and get the ultrasound done. She said "Ok, Im going to show the radiologist and I'll be back in a minute". Man, I remember those words. Those words gave me the feeling of "oh boy, this can't be good". So I waited for atleast 10 minutes. It felt like FOREVER. I thought to myself. What's the worst that can happen Gabbee? They see an abnormality? LOL....And? So? I kind of laughed and just waited. Then I realized. Crap, I dont want them to come in and say "hmmm, I would like to do a biopsy". Ugh, I dont want to go through that again. So when she came back and said "Doctor said its negative" I was like "ok, Im outta here!" Whew! What a relief!
Ok so after that we head to my primary care doctor where Cory works. I had to get some blood work done, get refills on my happy meds I take for nighttime and allergy pills. I thought I had a bug in my ear but its just fluid. LOL!! Yay Fluid!
Then guess what we did after that? HEADED HOME! Yay!!!! It was such a long day! We are sooo tired. Its requiring every ounce of energy just to type this super long blog. But I couldn't wait to tell you about our day.
Here are my requests. We found out about some surgery treatments (including the gene test, it might be less than 100%) that are not covered under our insurance plan, so we are going to try and fundraise our butt off. We also are in need of a hotel discount. We are also in need of PRAYER that my blood work comes back healthy and that my gene test comes back negative. Please pray for my surgery date. September 17th. Im excited because I will share my prayer with all of you the night before. I hope to show the comfort and peace that I find in God before going under.
:)
Im going to bring you back to Tuesday. I went to the dentist because I knew I had a cavity that was on its way to turn bad and the surgeon suggested that I get any work done before surgery because infections will grab on to the expander. So I did go, and I had a "deep" cleaning, a cavity filling and an extraction. I spent 3 hours at the dentist. YUCK!
I came home and tried to rest up because I had youth group in a few hours. I was contemplating on staying home, but I don't want to miss a beat with those kids anymore than I have to. I told myself that I will just go, not talk to much so my mouth wont hurt. HAHAHAHA....Me? Gabbee? Not talk much? No way! Yup I did. I started our lesson and then I got going and started preaching. LOL! That kept my mouth moving.
Anyway when I got home, I was SORE!! My "extraction" spot was bleeding tons more than normal. I was up all night changing the guaze pads. Realizing that I dont like to be up sick alone. Yes my husband is in the bed next to me, but he's snoring like a bear. I had my side table light on, my TV on and books near me...but it's nothing like having someone there. So this morning I told Cory that when I am sick, he needs to stay up with me and to sleep during the day. LOL. He was NOT happy about that.
So....as you can imagine I was super sore and cranky this morning. I stopped the Ibropfun because its a blood thinner and I thought that was contributing to the excessive bleeding so I went meds free. :( Yuck!
Okay, so our first stop? Tina's Treasure. This boutique is in the lobby of where I will be getting my surgery done. They have everything for women facing a masectomy and chemo. We parked and walked over to the wrong building first. So we walked back towards the "cancer" center. I quickly said to myself "wow, I no longer just see my primary care doctor". I walk into the "cancer" center now. Never in a million years, I would have EVER guessed. I mean, sure it would cross my mind of being sick from any disease, but never once did I imagine myself walking into this boutique. But we did. We walked in and were greeted with smiles and sweetness. I told them of my diagnosis and they went and got a "consultant". She was super sweet and brought us back to a "private" room. The room was adorable. Filled with cute stuff. So Cory and I sat on a pretty white bench and listened to the consultant tell us about my free gift. A masectomy vest (cami) and bra with padding so that after surgery I can have some type of something when I go into public. She also told me that I could pick two heart shaped pillows. And that these pillows were made by women who love to sew and they can be used under my arms after surgery. I also got a pen/journal, pin and water bottle. :) Well the best part comes now. So, after I told the consultant of my surgery choice, she said that one of the supervisors had that surgery. She was about 60+ yrs of age...and she got this done 4 years ago. She said "would you like to see them"? At first, I thought maybe a picture, or a clay model. LOL....Then when she walked out I looked at Cory and said "Hmmm I didn't expect that, but when she comes in, you make sure you excuse yourself" Of course he agreed. So here comes this very conservative classy woman. I said "Cory is going to leave" and they both said "Oh, you can handle it, its ok, you should know what to expect too" LOL..So I looked at him and said "your call". Honestly I dont think Cory knew what to do, so he just sat down.
Bonnie (woman with the boobs) lifted her shirt so I could see her bra and had me touch them. Then she lifted her bra. My reaction was "oh wow, you have a niple" LOL...She had niples tattoo'd but they also created the nipple to make it more "real". She quickly covered herself back up and we just chatted about her journey. After we left the room Cory and I just looked at eachother and laughed. Here we are. 2 months (almost 3 now) we were working, raising two children, doing ministry, arguing about bills, running a crazy schedule and now we are at Tina's Treasure looking at Bonnie's reconstructive boobs and shopping for wigs and laughing the whole way through. Hmmmm. Not something I planned. But it was definitly interesting and Im glad I got to share it with him. I kind of want to take my girlfriends back and introduce them to Bonnie. LOL...I want them to see too. :)
Anywho....we left there and went to Dunkin Donuts so I can eat something. Something soft. Blueberry muffin. Yum! Did you know that I used to work there when I was a teen? It was such a great job. I walked in and my teenage years instantly came back. It was a great smell. :)
After our food stop, we proceeded onto our next appointment. My pre-op at the Breast Surgeons office.
Man, where do I start? Well for starters, I love Dr. Liu! God made her especially for me. LOL. She get's me, laughs at me and truly finds happiness in my questions. She said "before I start to go over surgery details, do you have any questions for me". So I turned to Cory and said "Can I have my notes". LOL...After we went through my list I said "Ok so now I know you are going to think Im crazy" and she stopped me and said "Gabbee, your craziness found a cancerous lump, so embrace it". So I said "Ok well, I feel pressure in my armpits" then she cracked a smile. I said "I know, I know, Im probably fine, but can you feel them again just to make sure, and my cancerous lump feels bigger, can you feel it again too". Of course she said yes. So she did a breast exam and felt my "new" lump and said she thinks its nothing but lets do an ultrasound just to make sure. She felt my armpits and they felt fine to her. I also did the gene test again. So off it went today to the lab. 2 weeks I should know the results.
So here is the new news that maybe she told me before but I didn't hear. Chemo will be 2 rounds. One round which is 4-6 months and then another round that will be 12 months. The 12 month round will not cause me to lose my hair, but the first round will. But atleast it can grow back during my 2nd round. The reason for those two rounds is because of the hormone that I am lacking. Or something like that. I have it all written down, but I couldn't tell you the name of it.
Now for surgery. I will go in on the 17th and get the double masectomy and expanders put in. She will also dye my lymph nodes and take 3-5 of them out and test them during my surgery. If they come out positive then she will remove all of them. If they come back with a tiny amount (2mm or less) then she will leave them in and give me radiation. So this is news that I am anticipating because that puts my treatment at 20 months long.
Implants. Now this will be done in 3 segments. Expanders during surgery, then when they are ready I will go back in and take the expander out and put the implant in. Then down the road they will attach a nipple and put the tattoo on. Now....IF my lymph nodes are affected and I have to have radiation then I can not have the implants in till after I am done. Thats about May2012. Whew...lots of information right?
After all that, she just went on to surgery information. Because I am getting the dye for my lymph nodes, I have to check in at 7:30am. I also have to register before I do that, so I have to be at the surgery center at 6:30 which is an hour from our house..during traffic on a friday so we would have to leave by 5am. Im not digging that...so we would love to stay in Scottsdale the night before. Im hoping that we can get a nice hotel (Cory & I) get in a jacuzzi, and have a relaxing night just the two of us before we enter into this world of recovery and fight! So Im seeking out hotels...(if you know anyone that gets discounts, please let me know)
So....after we spent an hour and a half there, we went onto the ultrasound. I have to admit I think I was numb to this. I went in like a pro. As if "I have cancer, I know how this works..lets get this over with". LOL. I did go back and get the ultrasound done. She said "Ok, Im going to show the radiologist and I'll be back in a minute". Man, I remember those words. Those words gave me the feeling of "oh boy, this can't be good". So I waited for atleast 10 minutes. It felt like FOREVER. I thought to myself. What's the worst that can happen Gabbee? They see an abnormality? LOL....And? So? I kind of laughed and just waited. Then I realized. Crap, I dont want them to come in and say "hmmm, I would like to do a biopsy". Ugh, I dont want to go through that again. So when she came back and said "Doctor said its negative" I was like "ok, Im outta here!" Whew! What a relief!
Ok so after that we head to my primary care doctor where Cory works. I had to get some blood work done, get refills on my happy meds I take for nighttime and allergy pills. I thought I had a bug in my ear but its just fluid. LOL!! Yay Fluid!
Then guess what we did after that? HEADED HOME! Yay!!!! It was such a long day! We are sooo tired. Its requiring every ounce of energy just to type this super long blog. But I couldn't wait to tell you about our day.
Here are my requests. We found out about some surgery treatments (including the gene test, it might be less than 100%) that are not covered under our insurance plan, so we are going to try and fundraise our butt off. We also are in need of a hotel discount. We are also in need of PRAYER that my blood work comes back healthy and that my gene test comes back negative. Please pray for my surgery date. September 17th. Im excited because I will share my prayer with all of you the night before. I hope to show the comfort and peace that I find in God before going under.
:)
Monday, August 30, 2010
Day 28 "Dont Google Double Mastectomy"
FYI..My heart is heavy and my thoughts are pretty detailed. This is why I have this blog........so hold on tight. :)
Another learning lesson in my fight against cancer. Don't do things you shouldn't. Googling Double Mastectomy was probably a bad choice. I got all these crazy images up on my computer screen. Ewl! Cory said that he watched the surgery online and for me NOT to watch it. Ya..probably not something that is on my to do list.
So you want to get inside my head? Here it is. Im so freaking scared of this surgery. I guess I haven't really processed the reality of it. I keep saying "I rather you take both my breasts then give me chemo" but in reality, I don't think I am as good with it as I say I am.
First of all, the night before surgery is going to be rough. I know the anxiety level will be so high so Im trying to think of something fun to do with my family the night before. Maybe a movie or something, I dont know.
The day of surgery. I feel terrible that my family/friends have to sit in a waiting room for 6 hours! Yuck! That will be torture for them. I'll be a asleep getting "worked" on, but they are awake and waiting for the "everything looked good" statement.
The Doctor will put a dye into my lymph nodes when she is in there to give her "clearance" that my lymph nodes are not infected. Sometimes the tests show a negative, but its a different story when you are opened up. I pray for just an infected lump and no more.
After surgery....wow...do I wake up in pain? Probably a dumb question. Do I wake up wanting to look down at my scars? I sat at the dinner table with Cory tonight (we ate late and alone) and talked about this very thing. What am I going to look like? Now that I googled those images, of course that is what I have in my mind which Im sure is close to reality, but I will ask the doctor on Wednesday about scaring. Im trying to pick my brain on how I will react. My first reaction is that I dont want to see myself with the scaring, but I probably "need" to for my own emotional healing. I wont wake up to "new" beautiful boobs by any means. Im not even sure how much the expander will be filled if at all. I will wake up flat chested. Scared and bruised. That is a large piece of me that is being taken away.
I stood in the mirror today looking at "them". Trying to figure out when everything went wrong. Trying to figure out what I am going to look like with a new size, no real nipples and scaring. My hurt hearts for my husband. I want to look beautiful. Its all vanity I know and my true image is inside, not on my outside but as a women you know how that feels.
BUT I do feel peaceful about my choice of a double mastectomy. However that doesn't mean that I don't go through the normal emotions that humans do. I want to make that clear. I am not second guessing myself.....
Cory is off the next 3 days and we are going to lots of doctors appointments together. Im really excited that he gets to meet the Breast Surgeon since he didn't get to last time because he was in ER. We have a full day on Wednesday. We get to go shopping at Tina's Treasures for a Mastectomy Vest and new bras! Yay! Aren't I a lucky girl. :) Then we go to my pre-opp with my list of questions, then to an ultrasound of my left breast for my new lump and then my primary care doc for my allergies. What a fun day date we shall have. :)
Tomorrow I have the dentist. Yuck! I hate the dentist. However, Im looking forward to that so I can make sure Im good to go before surgery, but we only have discounted dental insurance so Im not looking forward to the bill. Whatever...as long as the surgery and chemo is paid for....Im a happy girl.
I do want to end my blog with a shout out. I went back through my blogs and noticed how pumped up for God I was when this all first started, but then it started to fade. Not because of my faith, but because my emotions are taking over my focus. Im relying on my own strength and not His. Im relying on other people to "fix" me and not Him. He can do both of these things through others, but I need to seek Him first. I pray that He heals me through the doctors and I have faith that He will. I pray that my support system doesn't fade, but only gets stronger. That is all His doing. I love Him and He loves me a lot more. He has done so much for me and my family through this time. Cancer sucks...yes it does....BUT Im a fighter. I have the personality for it. I have a reason to fight. They are two precious reasons too. So, I want to end here saying this. Jeremiah 29:11. I have faith in that.
Another learning lesson in my fight against cancer. Don't do things you shouldn't. Googling Double Mastectomy was probably a bad choice. I got all these crazy images up on my computer screen. Ewl! Cory said that he watched the surgery online and for me NOT to watch it. Ya..probably not something that is on my to do list.
So you want to get inside my head? Here it is. Im so freaking scared of this surgery. I guess I haven't really processed the reality of it. I keep saying "I rather you take both my breasts then give me chemo" but in reality, I don't think I am as good with it as I say I am.
First of all, the night before surgery is going to be rough. I know the anxiety level will be so high so Im trying to think of something fun to do with my family the night before. Maybe a movie or something, I dont know.
The day of surgery. I feel terrible that my family/friends have to sit in a waiting room for 6 hours! Yuck! That will be torture for them. I'll be a asleep getting "worked" on, but they are awake and waiting for the "everything looked good" statement.
The Doctor will put a dye into my lymph nodes when she is in there to give her "clearance" that my lymph nodes are not infected. Sometimes the tests show a negative, but its a different story when you are opened up. I pray for just an infected lump and no more.
After surgery....wow...do I wake up in pain? Probably a dumb question. Do I wake up wanting to look down at my scars? I sat at the dinner table with Cory tonight (we ate late and alone) and talked about this very thing. What am I going to look like? Now that I googled those images, of course that is what I have in my mind which Im sure is close to reality, but I will ask the doctor on Wednesday about scaring. Im trying to pick my brain on how I will react. My first reaction is that I dont want to see myself with the scaring, but I probably "need" to for my own emotional healing. I wont wake up to "new" beautiful boobs by any means. Im not even sure how much the expander will be filled if at all. I will wake up flat chested. Scared and bruised. That is a large piece of me that is being taken away.
I stood in the mirror today looking at "them". Trying to figure out when everything went wrong. Trying to figure out what I am going to look like with a new size, no real nipples and scaring. My hurt hearts for my husband. I want to look beautiful. Its all vanity I know and my true image is inside, not on my outside but as a women you know how that feels.
BUT I do feel peaceful about my choice of a double mastectomy. However that doesn't mean that I don't go through the normal emotions that humans do. I want to make that clear. I am not second guessing myself.....
Cory is off the next 3 days and we are going to lots of doctors appointments together. Im really excited that he gets to meet the Breast Surgeon since he didn't get to last time because he was in ER. We have a full day on Wednesday. We get to go shopping at Tina's Treasures for a Mastectomy Vest and new bras! Yay! Aren't I a lucky girl. :) Then we go to my pre-opp with my list of questions, then to an ultrasound of my left breast for my new lump and then my primary care doc for my allergies. What a fun day date we shall have. :)
Tomorrow I have the dentist. Yuck! I hate the dentist. However, Im looking forward to that so I can make sure Im good to go before surgery, but we only have discounted dental insurance so Im not looking forward to the bill. Whatever...as long as the surgery and chemo is paid for....Im a happy girl.
I do want to end my blog with a shout out. I went back through my blogs and noticed how pumped up for God I was when this all first started, but then it started to fade. Not because of my faith, but because my emotions are taking over my focus. Im relying on my own strength and not His. Im relying on other people to "fix" me and not Him. He can do both of these things through others, but I need to seek Him first. I pray that He heals me through the doctors and I have faith that He will. I pray that my support system doesn't fade, but only gets stronger. That is all His doing. I love Him and He loves me a lot more. He has done so much for me and my family through this time. Cancer sucks...yes it does....BUT Im a fighter. I have the personality for it. I have a reason to fight. They are two precious reasons too. So, I want to end here saying this. Jeremiah 29:11. I have faith in that.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Day 27 "Stressed & Cranky"
GRUGH! Can I just scream!?
Here I am entering another week of doctors, tests and results! I have NO IDEA why this just hit me like a ton of bricks tonight. As Im watching my Jr. Higher's get baptized I realized what awaits this week and it put me in SUCH a bad mood when I should be rejoicing (which I am) but my crankiness is taking over.
What probably set it off was my email to my Breast Surgeon which was returned today. She told me that I could email her whenever I want, so I did. :) I asked her questions. Like...I need some dental work so can I get it done before surgery and I have an ear ache so Im going to get checked out (its probably allergies) so can I get antibiotics for that (if needed) and can I have zyrtec AND I want to get my ear's "re-pierced" so that when I lose my hair, I look like a girl with earrings.
Her response....Yes, get the work you need now, because any infection will delay the surgery and you dont want an infection going into surgery because that can be very dangerous. Yes, you can get on meds for your allergies, but again get it fixed now if not, we will have to postpone your surgery because any infection will attack a forgein object in your body (tissue expanders). Ear piercing....ah, if you HAVE to do it, get it done at a "good" place and not the mall, again because of infections.
GRUGH! Sooooo this means that this week I will have a dentist appointment and a doctors apointment, plus my ultrasound, plus my gene testing (again) plus my post-op, plus more blood work for my post-op. And as far as earrings...WHATEVER! I'll buy stupid clip ons and be done.
Im tried of feeling good one minute and then reality of more stuff this week makes me crazy.
I was feeling the other lump again today and of course it has gone "down" because Im not having my time of the month anymore so the "swelling" has gone down. However..that doesn't make me happy or give me hope because my other lump did the same thing.
Do you know that sometimes my lump that is now my cancer lump was hard to find sometimes but the more I "aggravated" it by touching it, the bigger it got. So I was so paranoid that the doctor or ultrasound tech wouldn't find it so I kept messing with it, so I knew for sure it would be big enough to feel right before I went to the doctor. I didn't want them to think I was crazy.
So here I am AGAIN! Not even 4 weeks after my first diagnosis. I feel another one which was sooooooooooo clear last week, but I have to really concentrate to find it now. So what if my doctor says "I dont feel it", or if I go to get an ultrasound and they find something, and they do another biopsy and that comes back cancerous. This is just absolutely CRAZY! Now I have to wait again for results of the ultrasound AND my gene testing which has me worried. I am NOT even going to say "it probably negative" because I fell into the 30% category of having cancer at my age. Numbers means nothing to me!
So I guess my prayer request? Negative ultrasound, Negative Gene Test, Easy breezy dental work that can be fixed in two weeks, No ear infection just a simple allergy pill and to find the PERFECT DAZZELING Clip on earrings that aren't like the 80's clip on earrings.
Thanks for the counseling session.
Here I am entering another week of doctors, tests and results! I have NO IDEA why this just hit me like a ton of bricks tonight. As Im watching my Jr. Higher's get baptized I realized what awaits this week and it put me in SUCH a bad mood when I should be rejoicing (which I am) but my crankiness is taking over.
What probably set it off was my email to my Breast Surgeon which was returned today. She told me that I could email her whenever I want, so I did. :) I asked her questions. Like...I need some dental work so can I get it done before surgery and I have an ear ache so Im going to get checked out (its probably allergies) so can I get antibiotics for that (if needed) and can I have zyrtec AND I want to get my ear's "re-pierced" so that when I lose my hair, I look like a girl with earrings.
Her response....Yes, get the work you need now, because any infection will delay the surgery and you dont want an infection going into surgery because that can be very dangerous. Yes, you can get on meds for your allergies, but again get it fixed now if not, we will have to postpone your surgery because any infection will attack a forgein object in your body (tissue expanders). Ear piercing....ah, if you HAVE to do it, get it done at a "good" place and not the mall, again because of infections.
GRUGH! Sooooo this means that this week I will have a dentist appointment and a doctors apointment, plus my ultrasound, plus my gene testing (again) plus my post-op, plus more blood work for my post-op. And as far as earrings...WHATEVER! I'll buy stupid clip ons and be done.
Im tried of feeling good one minute and then reality of more stuff this week makes me crazy.
I was feeling the other lump again today and of course it has gone "down" because Im not having my time of the month anymore so the "swelling" has gone down. However..that doesn't make me happy or give me hope because my other lump did the same thing.
Do you know that sometimes my lump that is now my cancer lump was hard to find sometimes but the more I "aggravated" it by touching it, the bigger it got. So I was so paranoid that the doctor or ultrasound tech wouldn't find it so I kept messing with it, so I knew for sure it would be big enough to feel right before I went to the doctor. I didn't want them to think I was crazy.
So here I am AGAIN! Not even 4 weeks after my first diagnosis. I feel another one which was sooooooooooo clear last week, but I have to really concentrate to find it now. So what if my doctor says "I dont feel it", or if I go to get an ultrasound and they find something, and they do another biopsy and that comes back cancerous. This is just absolutely CRAZY! Now I have to wait again for results of the ultrasound AND my gene testing which has me worried. I am NOT even going to say "it probably negative" because I fell into the 30% category of having cancer at my age. Numbers means nothing to me!
So I guess my prayer request? Negative ultrasound, Negative Gene Test, Easy breezy dental work that can be fixed in two weeks, No ear infection just a simple allergy pill and to find the PERFECT DAZZELING Clip on earrings that aren't like the 80's clip on earrings.
Thanks for the counseling session.
Day 26 "Pajama Party"
Man, Im not even sure how to blog tonight. How to even sum up my feelings. As verbal as I am, I think I might be lost for words...but here it goes..
Tonight was amazing. Not only do I have some rocking friends, but my family is pretty great too! My sister hosted a pajama party in my honor. Pink and Purple Jammies. Games, food, fellowship and prizes. It was awesome. I laughed till my face hurt.
One of my favorite parts? Aside from the 6 chocolate covered strawberries, cheesecake, chocolate cake, fruit pizza and oreo balls....was the "what I think of Gabbee" game. Everyone wrote out a statement of their thoughts about me and we had to guess who wrote it. There were times I was shocked at what I meant to people and how they view me. Its AMAZING. And the thing is....of course its nice to hear good things, but it was so awesome to know that I have an impact on people around me. I have a purpose. Its worth the fight. That is what rolls through my head. Not only am I fighting for my kids and husband but I am fighting to continue to make people smile, or laugh, or to show that Im faithful, on and on. What a special treat.
One of the comments mentioned that they love how I am proud to be who I am. You know whats funny? I struggled so much with that in school. I always tried to be someone I wasn't because I just wanted to be accepted that I couldn't really be who I was. In high school, I was the "bully". I had this attitude that got me into too many fights and lots of broken relationships, mostly because I was angry and stuck up I guess...but that wasn't me. Do you know how hard it is to be the "bad guy" and try to turn over a new leaf? It doesn't work very well in the midst of being a teenager in High School.
So to hear that people admire that I am who I am and I am proud of it, really blesses me because I have longed to just be who I am. And finally I can be proud of myself.
Tonight we laughed lots, danced lots, ate WAY TOO MUCH food and chatted. Sometimes I would joke about my cancer. That is a release for me. It helps me in times when all I can do is think about it. And if it makes people laugh, then I am good. :)
Im so grateful to my sister for putting this together and sacrificing her time to make it perfect. Thank you so much to my friends that came and just wanted to be here to have fun. I think we achomplished that.
I hope I am still giggling tomorrow at some of the things that happened.
I love you all!
Tonight was amazing. Not only do I have some rocking friends, but my family is pretty great too! My sister hosted a pajama party in my honor. Pink and Purple Jammies. Games, food, fellowship and prizes. It was awesome. I laughed till my face hurt.
One of my favorite parts? Aside from the 6 chocolate covered strawberries, cheesecake, chocolate cake, fruit pizza and oreo balls....was the "what I think of Gabbee" game. Everyone wrote out a statement of their thoughts about me and we had to guess who wrote it. There were times I was shocked at what I meant to people and how they view me. Its AMAZING. And the thing is....of course its nice to hear good things, but it was so awesome to know that I have an impact on people around me. I have a purpose. Its worth the fight. That is what rolls through my head. Not only am I fighting for my kids and husband but I am fighting to continue to make people smile, or laugh, or to show that Im faithful, on and on. What a special treat.
One of the comments mentioned that they love how I am proud to be who I am. You know whats funny? I struggled so much with that in school. I always tried to be someone I wasn't because I just wanted to be accepted that I couldn't really be who I was. In high school, I was the "bully". I had this attitude that got me into too many fights and lots of broken relationships, mostly because I was angry and stuck up I guess...but that wasn't me. Do you know how hard it is to be the "bad guy" and try to turn over a new leaf? It doesn't work very well in the midst of being a teenager in High School.
So to hear that people admire that I am who I am and I am proud of it, really blesses me because I have longed to just be who I am. And finally I can be proud of myself.
Tonight we laughed lots, danced lots, ate WAY TOO MUCH food and chatted. Sometimes I would joke about my cancer. That is a release for me. It helps me in times when all I can do is think about it. And if it makes people laugh, then I am good. :)
Im so grateful to my sister for putting this together and sacrificing her time to make it perfect. Thank you so much to my friends that came and just wanted to be here to have fun. I think we achomplished that.
I hope I am still giggling tomorrow at some of the things that happened.
I love you all!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Day 26 "Dont shop ALONE"
Okay, so I had a couple of errands to run today and I was going to have my two gals tag along with me. However, life and work got in the way and so I had to go shopping alone. I debated for a while on whether or not I should go because I didn't want to have that much time "alone" with myself in the car. Too much thinking time. However, I had to go shopping today because I needed stuff before Sunday and this was my only day. So off I went.
45 minute drive to the stores. Gurgh! Honestly..I hope this doesn't sound lame...but I probably wont ever do that again. Way too much time to think about my life. My new journey. My new road that I am about to endure.
I started crying in the car. Not because of my surgery. Not because Im losing both of my "natural" breasts. Honestly I dont really care about that. If I didn't have the option of reconstruction, then yes, I would be hurt and sad but I do have that option. I count that as a blessing. I was sad because the thought of losing my hair. I started to imagine Sarah (my hairdresser) coming to my house to cut my hair short before the chemo takes it in chunks. I refuse to stand in the mirror watching part of my visual vanity to be lost. I imagine sitting in my kitchen with my support system around me, chatting and trying to make light of the situation, when really I am cringing on the inside trying to hold back the tears. I imagine myself completly falling apart and losing my emotions and everyone telling me I look good with short hair. The thing is....I wont have "short" hair for long. I will have NO HAIR. That's a big deal for me. I dont know why..but that is what makes me sad. I had my hair long, I had my hair short. Sometimes I hide behind my hair, sometimes I don't. Some people are probably thinking "save your life or lose your hair". Well, I choose neither. I dont want to make a choice. I dont want to fight for my life. I dont want my breasts gone, my hair, my eyebrows, my eyelashes, my everyday normal life GONE. I just want to be cancer free. I promise you this. You will NEVER know the thought process of a cancer patient until you walk in the shoes of cancer.
Who knows...maybe I already wrote about this and its like a constant repeat. But this is what happens when you drive in the car ALONE. :)
I did hear this song on the radio that I wanted to post. The words were so real for the time of my life right now.
"To Know You" By Casting Crowns
To know you is to never worry for my life, and
To know you is to never to give in or compromise, and
To know you is to want to tell the world about you
Cause I can't live without you
To know you is to hear your voice when you are calling
To know you is to catch my brother when he is falling
To know you is to feel the pain of the broken hearted
Cause they can't live without you.
Anyway, after I got home, I got ready for my Mary Kay appointment. Facial cleanser and make up. I put my hair in a ponytail and put a headband on so I could "imagine" my face with no hair. I wanted to do my makeup so I could try and see what I will look like. UGH...I don't like the thought of it. I was blessed with tons of Mary Kay products as a "get well" gift. I was super duper thankful for that.
So...the moral of this story? When you are patiently waiting to go into surgery and start chemo....always go shopping with someone. :)
45 minute drive to the stores. Gurgh! Honestly..I hope this doesn't sound lame...but I probably wont ever do that again. Way too much time to think about my life. My new journey. My new road that I am about to endure.
I started crying in the car. Not because of my surgery. Not because Im losing both of my "natural" breasts. Honestly I dont really care about that. If I didn't have the option of reconstruction, then yes, I would be hurt and sad but I do have that option. I count that as a blessing. I was sad because the thought of losing my hair. I started to imagine Sarah (my hairdresser) coming to my house to cut my hair short before the chemo takes it in chunks. I refuse to stand in the mirror watching part of my visual vanity to be lost. I imagine sitting in my kitchen with my support system around me, chatting and trying to make light of the situation, when really I am cringing on the inside trying to hold back the tears. I imagine myself completly falling apart and losing my emotions and everyone telling me I look good with short hair. The thing is....I wont have "short" hair for long. I will have NO HAIR. That's a big deal for me. I dont know why..but that is what makes me sad. I had my hair long, I had my hair short. Sometimes I hide behind my hair, sometimes I don't. Some people are probably thinking "save your life or lose your hair". Well, I choose neither. I dont want to make a choice. I dont want to fight for my life. I dont want my breasts gone, my hair, my eyebrows, my eyelashes, my everyday normal life GONE. I just want to be cancer free. I promise you this. You will NEVER know the thought process of a cancer patient until you walk in the shoes of cancer.
Who knows...maybe I already wrote about this and its like a constant repeat. But this is what happens when you drive in the car ALONE. :)
I did hear this song on the radio that I wanted to post. The words were so real for the time of my life right now.
"To Know You" By Casting Crowns
To know you is to never worry for my life, and
To know you is to never to give in or compromise, and
To know you is to want to tell the world about you
Cause I can't live without you
To know you is to hear your voice when you are calling
To know you is to catch my brother when he is falling
To know you is to feel the pain of the broken hearted
Cause they can't live without you.
Anyway, after I got home, I got ready for my Mary Kay appointment. Facial cleanser and make up. I put my hair in a ponytail and put a headband on so I could "imagine" my face with no hair. I wanted to do my makeup so I could try and see what I will look like. UGH...I don't like the thought of it. I was blessed with tons of Mary Kay products as a "get well" gift. I was super duper thankful for that.
So...the moral of this story? When you are patiently waiting to go into surgery and start chemo....always go shopping with someone. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)