Monday, August 30, 2010

Day 28 "Dont Google Double Mastectomy"

FYI..My heart is heavy and my thoughts are pretty detailed. This is why I have this hold on tight. :)

Another learning lesson in my fight against cancer. Don't do things you shouldn't. Googling Double Mastectomy was probably a bad choice. I got all these crazy images up on my computer screen. Ewl! Cory said that he watched the surgery online and for me NOT to watch it. Ya..probably not something that is on my to do list.

So you want to get inside my head? Here it is. Im so freaking scared of this surgery. I guess I haven't really processed the reality of it. I keep saying "I rather you take both my breasts then give me chemo" but in reality, I don't think I am as good with it as I say I am.

First of all, the night before surgery is going to be rough. I know the anxiety level will be so high so Im trying to think of something fun to do with my family the night before. Maybe a movie or something, I dont know.

The day of surgery. I feel terrible that my family/friends have to sit in a waiting room for 6 hours! Yuck! That will be torture for them. I'll be a asleep getting "worked" on, but they are awake and waiting for the "everything looked good" statement.

The Doctor will put a dye into my lymph nodes when she is in there to give her "clearance" that my lymph nodes are not infected. Sometimes the tests show a negative, but its a different story when you are opened up. I pray for just an infected lump and no more.

After I wake up in pain? Probably a dumb question.  Do I wake up wanting to look down at my scars? I sat at the dinner table with Cory tonight (we ate late and alone) and talked about this very thing. What am I going to look like? Now that I googled those images, of course that is what I have in my mind which Im sure is close to reality, but I will ask the doctor on Wednesday about scaring. Im trying to pick my brain on how I will react. My first reaction is that I dont want to see myself with the scaring, but I probably "need" to for my own emotional healing. I wont wake up to "new" beautiful boobs by any means. Im not even sure how much the expander will be filled if at all. I will wake up flat chested. Scared and bruised. That is a large piece of me that is being taken away.

I stood in the mirror today looking at "them". Trying to figure out when everything went wrong. Trying to figure out what I am going to look like with a new size, no real nipples and scaring. My hurt hearts for my husband. I want to look beautiful. Its all vanity I know and my true image is inside, not on my outside but as a women you know how that feels.

BUT I do feel peaceful about my choice of a double mastectomy. However that doesn't mean that I don't go through the normal emotions that humans do. I want to make that clear. I am not second guessing myself.....

Cory is off the next 3 days and we are going to lots of doctors appointments together. Im really excited that he gets to meet the Breast Surgeon since he didn't get to last time because he was in ER. We have a full day on Wednesday. We get to go shopping at Tina's Treasures for a Mastectomy Vest and new bras! Yay! Aren't I a lucky girl. :) Then we go to my pre-opp with my list of questions, then to an ultrasound of my left breast for my new lump and then my primary care doc for my allergies. What a fun day date we shall have. :)

Tomorrow I have the dentist. Yuck! I hate the dentist. However, Im looking forward to that so I can make sure Im good to go before surgery, but we only have discounted dental insurance so Im not looking forward to the bill. long as the surgery and chemo is paid for....Im a happy girl.

I do want to end my blog with a shout out. I went back through my blogs and noticed how pumped up for God I was when this all first started, but then it started to fade. Not because of my faith, but because my emotions are taking over my focus. Im relying on my own strength and not His. Im relying on other people to "fix" me and not Him. He can do both of these things through others, but I need to seek Him first. I pray that He heals me through the doctors and I have faith that He will. I pray that my support system doesn't fade, but only gets stronger. That is all His doing. I love Him and He loves me a lot more. He has done so much for me and my family through this time. Cancer sucks...yes it does....BUT Im a fighter. I have the personality for it. I have a reason to fight. They are two precious reasons too. So, I want to end here saying this. Jeremiah 29:11. I have faith in that.

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