Surreal

Gosh, I feel like I haven't poured out my heart on this blog in awhile. It's probably only been a week. LOL

I have so many thoughts, I honestly don't know how to take them and get them on this blog. I've had some awesome moments and some fears, that I haven't really shared so I guess tonight is the night. :) Ill be all over the place.

Well, lets start with awesomeness. This weekend was FULL OF MINISTRY. A bit much for my weak body HOWEVER, we had the best weekend in a long time. Cory said he wishes everyday was this way, with a break or two in the middle. LOL. We hosted 6 boys from the Arizona District Impact Team. They were really great boys. Smelly but great. LOL. Isaac was IN HIS GLORY to say the least. Boys ranging from 13 to 18. He had 6 older brothers that paid attention to him and wrestled him to the ground.

The Impact team did worship for us this morning at church! It was so great, they did a fantastic job, and I am really glad our congregation got to see them and experience that style of worship.

Okay, so lets back up to yesterday. Saturday we had a fundraiser for the teens in order for them to raise money for camp. At one point in the fundraiser, we started to play Volleysquare. I haven't been active in awhile and I was hesitant but I chose to "go for it" and so I did. AHHHHH back in my normal! It was so much fun! I LOVED IT! I learned how to play 3 or 4 years ago and everytime our teens get together with a volleysquare, we are in it for awhile. After the fundraiser we came home to get ready for the "boys"..

We got them set up, and after dinner we went over to the Volleyball courts to play some Volleysquare and Volleyball and crazy games you usually play with your youth group. I HAD SO MUCH FUN!!! I was running, jumping, screaming, teasing, yelling, and whatever else comes with games. LOL It FELT SO GOOD.

After two hours of play, I came home EXHAUSTED! But SOOOOO WORTH IT. I am totally looking forward to being DONE WITH THIS CANCER CRAP. Its in my way. I know it's never really going to be over.....but Im getting close. This leads me to my fears.

Fears...oooo I guess we will never live a day without fear (in this world) however my fears have been haunting me lately. I will soon have surgery YAY! however I have fear that when they go in to put the implants in, they will see cancer. I also have a fear that when Im done with my Taxol, and I have my petscan, they will see cancer. I also have fear that I won't know how to live without cancer. Doesn't that sound CRAZY? But this cancer has consumed my life since June of last year and it has been my everyday. It has defined me regardless of how much I don't want it to or try for it not to. It just does.

I think about going to the pool this summer. This time last year, I was having every one of my friends feel my "lump" to see what they think. We would all be sitting in the pool and I would say "Feel it" LOL..most of them wouldn't or my closest friends would say "I felt it already, I told you that you should go to the doctor" UGH! 

I just can't believe that I was diagnosed with breast cancer, had a double mastecomy, emergency surgery and have conquered 7 chemo treatments. (Aside from Herceptin) I lost track of those. I can't belive I am almost coming to an end. It doesn't feel real to me. I still haven't accepted the fact that I was diagnosed. Crazy.

Anyway, those are my thoughts.