I awoke this morning and I couldn't help but think about today. One year ago today, I heard those words that I never thought could be possible to hear. "You have Cancer." Its really crazy about the journey I have been on. Its been so scary yet so rewarding at the same time. Of course I have anxiety today because I am having flashbacks of those moments in the 24 hours of my diagnosis. The other day Cory and I went through pictures of when I was on heavy duty treatment. Bald with black circles under my eyes. I honestly don't remember being that bald. :) I guess that is a good thing.
The moments I remember most and the moments that cause me anxiety was the unknown. I had to wait over the weekend before even calling the breast surgeon. I just couldn't think straight. My head was spinning. I remember being home alone, mopping and crying. My mother in law calling me and I just sobbed on the floor. I remember my friends and family coming over to just sit with me and I also remember the thought of creating a blog and the name of it. I loved it and obviously stuck with it. My goal at that moment was to share my story with others so I can help them. Honestly....that isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Not the sharing part, but when I hear of someone waiting on results or actually hearing those words "positive cancer" my chest gets tight and I just want to crawl in bed. I thought I would be better at it, and maybe over time I will be. Yes, I will be. But right now, I think my wound is still too sore and each day I think "will cancer one day be the death of me"? Cory and I had a good talk the other night as we went down memory lane and we were honest with each other about one day the cancer coming back. I won't ignore the fact that its not possible. I had a 70% chance of my tumor being benign. I hopped over that percentage. I also had a higher percentage because I had no family history. I hopped over that too.
I don't think its a bad thing to walk down memory lane, I believe its part of the healing process for me. And how could you forget that?
This past year sucked, I am not going to lie or sugar coat it. Yes, God worked and is continuing to work, but it was not easy. I definitely feel that I have been down the valley but I prayed that the light would come soon and its pretty bright.
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" I can't say that enough because the only way I had the spirit to keep going is by the ONE that gave me the strength to pull through. I give Him all the Glory.
This morning, I was reading through my posts of that day and the day after, and I included them in this post, in case you met me way after the process and never went back to that day. I'm thankful I blogged and I remember each and every word typed into those two posts.
Today, I will not dwell in my sorrow, but rejoice in what God has done in the past year. And its ALL SO VERY GOOD.
July 30th 2010
I felt pain after the biopsy. I texted my husband asking him to come home early if he could. I was just so anxious, in pain and restless and I really wanted someone there with me. I went to pick the kids up from school at 3:45. We got home about 4:00 and started to settle in for the weekend. I had a friend that was coming by to adopt one of our kittens so I was sitting on the couch in the front room waiting for him to come. I started to play solitaire on my phone when it was interrupted by my husband calling me. I looked at the time 4:09 and my thought was "oh wow, he got to come home early". I answered the phone and I heard "Gabbee....we got your results in the office" (Cory works at my doctors office and the doctor gave him a choice to call me) and so I proceeded to say "Ok, and?" and he said "um, I got the results and um, the biopsy came back positive for cancer" I said "are you playing a joke on me?" My husband KNOWS better. :)
Anyway, my hands started trembling and my head was spinning and I felt like I was going to vomit. First....HOW did they get the results back in less than 24 hours and WHAT? I HAVE CANCER? I called my family and friends and within minutes I had dinner cooking, friends and family holding me, my house being cleaned, groceries being bought and I was just sitting. Spinning.
That night was crazy. I couldn't even think. My husband and I were up till 2am crying, praying, laughing and sitting in silence. We needed it. I finally fell asleep. Tomorrow is a new day.
July 31st 2010
Today sucked. I have been crying on and off all day and I dont know how I should feel. I got 4 hours of sleep last night and I was a zombie.
I mopped the floor and cried, I checked my facebook and cried. I would look at my husband and cry. I couldn't figure it all out. I was so tired that I just wanted to sleep, but my mind wont let me.
I thought that it would be a good idea to take the family out for a movie. So we went to go see "Toy Story 3". I couldn't concentrate. My anxiety was so obnoxious that I couldn't contain myself. I was shaking and Cory was just trying to hold me still.
I dont know what I am to feel right now, but I feel infected. I feel invaded. I feel anger at myself for not catching this sooner. I feel anger for not praying harder. I question every piece of food that I have put into my body, every drink, every piece of chocolate. Im obsessing and Im making myself crazy.
I took a sleeping pill just so I can sleep. Otherwise I will be the worst mother and wife in the world. I just love my kids but I am so irritable right now too. :(
Im going to try and get some sleep. Goodnight