Saturday, July 30, 2011

July 30th 2011

I awoke this morning and I couldn't help but think about today. One year ago today, I heard those words that I never thought could be possible to hear. "You have Cancer." Its really crazy about the journey I have been on. Its been so scary yet so rewarding at the same time. Of course I have anxiety today because I am having flashbacks of those moments in the 24 hours of my diagnosis. The other day Cory and I went through pictures of when I was on heavy duty treatment. Bald with black circles under my eyes. I honestly don't remember being that bald. :) I guess that is a good thing.

The moments I remember most and the moments that cause me anxiety was the unknown. I had to wait over the weekend before even calling the breast surgeon. I just couldn't think straight. My head was spinning. I remember being home alone, mopping and crying. My mother in law calling me and I just sobbed on the floor. I remember my friends and family coming over to just sit with me and I also remember the thought of creating a blog and the name of it. I loved it and obviously stuck with it. My goal at that moment was to share my story with others so I can help them. Honestly....that isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Not the sharing part, but when I hear of someone waiting on results or actually hearing those words "positive cancer" my chest gets tight and I just want to crawl in bed. I thought I would be better at it, and maybe over time I will be. Yes, I will be. But right now, I think my wound is still too sore and each day I think "will cancer one day be the death of me"? Cory and I had a good talk the other night as we went down memory lane and we were honest with each other about one day the cancer coming back. I won't ignore the fact that its not possible. I had a 70% chance of my tumor being benign. I hopped over that percentage. I also had a higher percentage because I had no family history. I hopped over that too. 

I don't think its a bad thing to walk down memory lane, I believe its part of the healing process for me. And how could you forget that?

This past year sucked, I am not going to lie or sugar coat it. Yes, God worked and is continuing to work, but it was not easy. I definitely feel that I have been down the valley but I prayed that the light would come soon and its pretty bright.

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" I can't say that enough because the only way I had the spirit to keep going is by the ONE that gave me the strength to pull through. I give Him all the Glory.

This morning, I was reading through my posts of that day and the day after, and I included them in this post, in case you met me way after the process and never went back to that day. I'm thankful I blogged and I remember each and every word typed into those two posts.

Today, I will not dwell in my sorrow, but rejoice in what God has done in the past year. And its ALL SO VERY GOOD.

July 30th 2010

I felt pain after the biopsy. I texted my husband asking him to come home early if he could. I was just so anxious, in pain and restless and I really wanted someone there with me. I went to pick the kids up from school at 3:45. We got home about 4:00 and started to settle in for the weekend. I had a friend that was coming by to adopt one of our kittens so I was sitting on the couch in the front room waiting for him to come. I started to play solitaire on my phone when it was interrupted by my husband calling me. I looked at the time 4:09 and my thought was "oh wow, he got to come home early". I answered the phone and I heard "Gabbee....we got your results in the office" (Cory works at my doctors office and the doctor gave him a choice to call me) and so I proceeded to say "Ok, and?" and he said "um, I got the results and um, the biopsy came back positive for cancer" I said "are you playing a joke on me?" My husband KNOWS better. :)

Anyway, my hands started trembling and my head was spinning and I felt like I was going to vomit. First....HOW did they get the results back in less than 24 hours and WHAT? I HAVE CANCER? I called my family and friends and within minutes I had dinner cooking, friends and family holding me, my house being cleaned, groceries being bought and I was just sitting. Spinning.

That night was crazy. I couldn't even think. My husband and I were up till 2am crying, praying, laughing and sitting in silence. We needed it. I finally fell asleep. Tomorrow is a new day.

July 31st 2010

Today sucked. I have been crying on and off all day and I dont know how I should feel. I got 4 hours of sleep last night and I was a zombie.

I mopped the floor and cried, I checked my facebook and cried. I would look at my husband and cry. I couldn't figure it all out. I was so tired that I just wanted to sleep, but my mind wont let me.

I thought that it would be a good idea to take the family out for a movie. So we went to go see "Toy Story 3". I couldn't concentrate. My anxiety was so obnoxious that I couldn't contain myself. I was shaking and Cory was just trying to hold me still.

I dont know what I am to feel right now, but I feel infected. I feel invaded. I feel anger at myself for not catching this sooner. I feel anger for not praying harder. I question every piece of food that I have put into my body, every drink, every piece of chocolate. Im obsessing and Im making myself crazy.

I took a sleeping pill just so I can sleep. Otherwise I will be the worst mother and wife in the world. I just love my kids but I am so irritable right now too. :(

Im going to try and get some sleep. Goodnight


  1. I've been praying for you ever since Hope requested prayer on FB a year ago today. I'm still praying healing for your body, peace and comfort for you, your family and your friends. Praying that this year will be so much better.

  2. Ohhhh Gabbee. Your posts brought me to tears and prayer. I love you sweetheart and know what you are going through. My sweet Daughter also had breast cancer. She had really bad doctors and they ignored her lump until it went into her bones. She was five years down the line after many surgeries and many prayers. It finally came back in her breast bone. Her last scan was only a couple of weeks ago. (She had radical radiation last Fall) So far her tumor is shrinking. We are all so happy for her and still praying to God that she will be fine. My cancer was much easier to deal with. I'm coming up on two years now. Doctor said two years and five years are the scarey parts for the cancer that I had. When it comes back, it will be in my liver. So at least we know what to look for. I think that makes it easier. My last tests were clear. In the meantime, I continue praying for you Honey. Know that I love you and pray for you daily. Also, moment by moment sometimes. XXOO Mary Hatch