Just simply getting in the car to drop off my kids at school and as they get out of the car and saying "Have a good day, Ill see you at parent pick up" puts a big smile on my face. Ahhhhh....it feels good to feel normal again. I think I might conquer the afternoon by walking to pick them up.
This treatment lasted 5 days which is 2 days longer than last treatment. Doesn't look good for my next two treatments does it? The pain was different. The same, but different. I am not sure why. I talked to my nurses yesterday and they explained that the nerve shooting pain is neuropathy. I thought neuropathy was tingling/numbness in my fingers and toes. Well..it is, but its also the pain I am feeling in my legs. It was worse at night which I rather because Cory is home helping me. I walk and my legs would give out. My knee caps felt like they were being stomped on by a horse or something. The side effects are crazy. I will tell you....that getting chemo yesterday having to deal with that leg pain was not fun. It was very uncomfortable but my nurses were awesome and tried to help as much as they can. My doctor is going to talk to me about a drug that will help me with that specific pain. She really doesn't want me taking more than Ibprofun, but that is a fairy tale...so lets get the Rx. But thank God my drip was only 30 minutes long so my mom took me home, and got me settled, I took my meds, and took a nap. I am VERY thankful of my mom during this time. She shows me AGAPE love all the time. Taking off work, losing her own income, staying in my house for 12 hours at a time, cooking, cleaning, laundry and counseling of course. LOL. When she tells me how much it breaks her heart to see me like this, I try and imagine myself as Bella and me sitting on the chair trying to talk Bella through the pain. I couldn't imagine and I Dont want to. But its a good reminder of how much my family is going through as well.
Usually during my "down days" I learn something. This time...was 2 things. The AGAPE LOVE I feel from my husband. And 2nd I learned when you are in pain, there is no better way to do it then in church during worship time. LOL. This Sunday I went to church..medicated but I went. I kind of stayed in the background as much as I can but that is hard to do. But worship was really good this week and sitting down just singing praises to God was pretty awesome.
So, as the pain is subsiding and Im down to only 2 ibprofun now I am ready to be Gabbee again. I missed being me. So, Im going around the house and making it tidy, I have work to do along with ministry work and I have a HOT date tomorrow with my hubby. Actually we were laughing last night because I asked him if he could plan our date. So I asked him where we were going and he said "well Im hoping I can take you to a fancy resturant". I laughed and said "you do realize how broke we are right?" LOL so he said "Fine, McDonalds it is" LOL! So...who knows. I don't care. We just need alone time other than 9 hours at CHEMO and 3 days at the Hospital. That DOESN'T count as a date night. :)
Oh on the plus side? I learned that sometimes Taxol stops hair growth but doesn't necessarily make your hair fall out. Well because I had a month in between treatments (becuase of my low blood count) my hair had a change to grow some fuzz. So it stayed. My mom bought me some "miracle" hair growing shampoo in Mexico. LOL They sell it in the States, just cheaper there. Anyway, I used it this morning. I think I see a difference. I think Im ready for a haircut. LOL!!! Not really but Im anxious to see how it works after my treatment is done. 2 more to go. April 4th is my last Taxol as long as everything continues to go as planned. Then surgery probably in May.
So...that is how I am doing in a nutshell. Thank you for your prayers during this past week. Its encouraging and God has answered some prayers.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Prayers Please!
Short and Sweet...We are facing tough times. First off, the pain from the Taxol is so different from the first time. Im so behind in everything and just when I think its over, it creeps back in. It took longer to hit me this time around, but its lingering around longer and its only from my knees down. Last time was my pelvis down. So maybe next time it will just be my feet. :) Anyway, last night was TERRIBLE. At one point I was on the floor rolling around crying. That was MY BIGGEST FEAR about CHEMO. I took DOUBLE MEDS just to fall asleep. Cory cradled me, and basically "rocked" me to sleep. As soon as I woke up, the sharp shooting nerve pains were back so I immediatley took more pain meds. Now Im able to sit here and type w/out aching into fetal position. So please pray for me. Especially because I get my weekly Herceptin tomororw! AHHH, Im so not wanting to go in and get CHEMO even if its mild. I want only to be in my bed. My mom took off work to come with me, bcuz I was having to go alone. That was dumb to try and go alone I know.
The other prayer is...we are struggling financially. We have exhausted all of our savings, and our insurance is giving us problems and there has been some out of pocket expenses already that I had no idea of and we are being billed for that wont be covered by insurance. Cory and I both lost hours at our job which will be setting us back even more. When I am down for CHEMO I lose hours at my job, so of course the ER took my "good days" away from me which took hours away. We are at the point of having to make arrangements on our bills because we know the money just isn't coming in and expenses are putting us out. We have a fundraiser coming up on Saturday, March 5th at 2:00. We are still selling raffle tickets and Tshirts to help raise money. I am also selling my guitar on craigslits if anyone is interested. Email me.
Im angry, Im frustrated and I truly just don't know what else to do. This sucks all around. I found myself sitting in front of the mirror a couple of days ago looking at my bald head and asking "how in the world did I get here". Its a neverending question. Its a question that goes through my head EVERYDAY.
Please Join us prayer as we ask God to Provide and that the Insurance goes through with no hiccups and no more out of pocket expenses. We also ask for this pain to GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!
The other prayer is...we are struggling financially. We have exhausted all of our savings, and our insurance is giving us problems and there has been some out of pocket expenses already that I had no idea of and we are being billed for that wont be covered by insurance. Cory and I both lost hours at our job which will be setting us back even more. When I am down for CHEMO I lose hours at my job, so of course the ER took my "good days" away from me which took hours away. We are at the point of having to make arrangements on our bills because we know the money just isn't coming in and expenses are putting us out. We have a fundraiser coming up on Saturday, March 5th at 2:00. We are still selling raffle tickets and Tshirts to help raise money. I am also selling my guitar on craigslits if anyone is interested. Email me.
Im angry, Im frustrated and I truly just don't know what else to do. This sucks all around. I found myself sitting in front of the mirror a couple of days ago looking at my bald head and asking "how in the world did I get here". Its a neverending question. Its a question that goes through my head EVERYDAY.
Please Join us prayer as we ask God to Provide and that the Insurance goes through with no hiccups and no more out of pocket expenses. We also ask for this pain to GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
AGAPE LOVE
AGAPE LOVE - Divine, Unconditional, Self-Sacrificing, Active and Thoughtful Love.
In our Love Dare book, the excercise asks us if we have trouble showing AGAPE LOVE to our spouse. As I was reading it this morning, I realized how much trouble I have in that area. I feel guilty because I am not allowing my heart to fully express AGAPE LOVE to Cory. I try and remain patient in times of distress. I try and think before I speak. I try and see Cory as Christ see's him. Some days are easier than others but I fail more than I succeed. Today after church, I pretty much crawled my way into my bed. Cory brought me a tray with my lunch on it, took care of the kids then made his way back into bed with me. I crawled into his arms, as we watched a movie and I asked him to rub my fuzzy semi-bald head. I laid there and fell asleep for what seemed like forever. When your bones are hurting throughout your body, the most soothing action will shoot a sense of peace through your body that relaxes your muscles. I want to compare it to rocking a baby to sleep while singing a lullaby. When I woke up and felt the shooting pain back in my bones, and the meds wore off I realized how lucky I am to have AGAPE LOVE from Cory. I couldn't imagine going through this without him. I asked the question to myself. Could I do this for him? Could I hold it together and give him Divine, unconditional and self-sacrifcing love if he was laying here in pain from Chemo? My first response would be OF COURSE! But the real question is....Can you do it without complaining?
AGAPE LOVE is a love that we receive from Christ alone. We are to share that same love with our spouses. Would Jesus lay here and comfort me until I fell asleep? Would He bring me lunch till I was stuffed? Would He rub my legs till they don't hurt anymore? Would He fulfull my needs till they are 100% met? We all know the answer right?
I pray that I can show AGAPE LOVE to my husband as He does for me.
In our Love Dare book, the excercise asks us if we have trouble showing AGAPE LOVE to our spouse. As I was reading it this morning, I realized how much trouble I have in that area. I feel guilty because I am not allowing my heart to fully express AGAPE LOVE to Cory. I try and remain patient in times of distress. I try and think before I speak. I try and see Cory as Christ see's him. Some days are easier than others but I fail more than I succeed. Today after church, I pretty much crawled my way into my bed. Cory brought me a tray with my lunch on it, took care of the kids then made his way back into bed with me. I crawled into his arms, as we watched a movie and I asked him to rub my fuzzy semi-bald head. I laid there and fell asleep for what seemed like forever. When your bones are hurting throughout your body, the most soothing action will shoot a sense of peace through your body that relaxes your muscles. I want to compare it to rocking a baby to sleep while singing a lullaby. When I woke up and felt the shooting pain back in my bones, and the meds wore off I realized how lucky I am to have AGAPE LOVE from Cory. I couldn't imagine going through this without him. I asked the question to myself. Could I do this for him? Could I hold it together and give him Divine, unconditional and self-sacrifcing love if he was laying here in pain from Chemo? My first response would be OF COURSE! But the real question is....Can you do it without complaining?
AGAPE LOVE is a love that we receive from Christ alone. We are to share that same love with our spouses. Would Jesus lay here and comfort me until I fell asleep? Would He bring me lunch till I was stuffed? Would He rub my legs till they don't hurt anymore? Would He fulfull my needs till they are 100% met? We all know the answer right?
I pray that I can show AGAPE LOVE to my husband as He does for me.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
SO MUCH TO SAY....
YES......THATS ME AND JJ & DAVE!
SHE SIGNED MY JJ SHIRT
AND SIGNED MY BANDANNA
THANKS GIRLS FOR JOINING ME! THANKS LISETTE FOR THE AWESOME BDAY GIFT
Okay, so I have so much to say about last night. I just can't contain myself. I don't really know what to say. LOL. Their music was awesome, the lyrics hit home, and her relationship with her husband is inspiring. They are adorable. I had so much fun with the girls. I laughed from deep within my belly. I had too much coffee, a large piece of cheesecake and stayed up till 2:30 in the morning. LOL. It was great fun! One of my favorites was having my CHEMO nurses Monica and Gerry sitting next to me during the concert. That was just surreal for me. I know God has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11) but I never thought this "cancer" plan was for me to one day worship with my nurses that I have already built a relationship with and have many more months to go with them. Im so blessed to have my Oncologist and nurses that I have. Prayer works and we prayed hard for the perfect doctors and nurses and GOd provided. I also had the privelage of being stopped by a women (she is 25 yrs old) that has brain cancer. I can't even explain our conversation, because Im not sure I can put it into words, but all I know, is that Im dissapointed that I missed the opportunity to connect with her after we both left. She just wanted to seek me out and get my story and it shouldn't have ended there. :( Sometimes I feel like God puts these type of situations in my life and I miss them. I promised to pray for her and I will do that.
As far as me and how Im doing from Chemo. I notice more and more that I am dealing with hot flashes. They are really annoying. And of course that is a major side effect from Chemo. I believe that I have been officially put into early menopause. LOL. That would explain alot about me and my "attitude" as Cory puts it. I have been struggling with my short fuse lately, and since all the other pieces to the puzzle are coming together, Im guessing that is where I am with my body at this time. Anyway, I woke up this morning with Neuropathy (Numbness in hands and feet). Normal. Interesting though how my body is mapping out exactly the way it did last treatment. My oncologist was right on, when she said that my body would do that. I feel tired, but the 2:30am bedtime has defnitily contributed to that. I anticipate tonight will be the start of my body shutting down. I know my body all too well. So, I am using this day as much as I can, before I am in bed for a few days.
Some prayer requests that I have.
1. That God will continue to shine through me through this journey. At times I am defeated and "comfortable" with being idle and I don't want that light to burn out.
2. Between my recent issue in the hospital, that set both Cory and I back financially due to no more PTO time left on either of our jobs. I am confident God will provide for our needs as He always does. We have an upcoming fundraiser in March that we are praying puts us ahead with a cushion in our savings. I ask that you join me in prayer for that as well.
3. I pray that through this treatment, I keep my eyes on the prize. When I am in bed for days, I become beat down and defeated. Pray that my head stays high and I shine. I just want to shine for Jesus.
Friday, February 18, 2011
JJ HELLER
Yes, I know I've talked about this multiple times but I just had to blog about my excitement tonight. If you don't know who JJ Heller is, just YouTube her. She was really noticed when a girl from "So you think you can dance" used her song for interpertative dance. The song was "Your Hands". I loved it as soon as I heard it. THen I started digging into her background and her story behind that song is really cool. She was dealing with depression when she wrote that song. (or after she was through it). But that song for me was really cool then, but after my diagnosis, it means more to me now then before. My goal is to sing that song for others after Im done with CHEMO. Just a reminder that God does have us in His hands and even when our world is shaking, He is holding us. I want others to see a visual that He has brought me through this journey. I strongly suggest you listen to it.
Anyway, about 12 of us are going tonight. We have 3 extra tickets if anyone is interested. Just text me or email.
Anyway, I will take lots of pics tonight and hopefully we are sitting close enough to see her and her hubby Dave who plays the guitar. AHHHH GIDDINESS!!!
:)
Anyway, about 12 of us are going tonight. We have 3 extra tickets if anyone is interested. Just text me or email.
Anyway, I will take lots of pics tonight and hopefully we are sitting close enough to see her and her hubby Dave who plays the guitar. AHHHH GIDDINESS!!!
:)
Thursday, February 17, 2011
TAXOL- 2 Down...2 to go
Today was interesting. I went to chemo by myself for the first time ever. Well, I did have my friend Tiffany stay with me until I got settled. I got there about 9:30 and left at 4:30. Sounds fun huh? Today was Taxol and Herceptin. My oncologist came in and first gave me lots of hugs for the little gift I left on her desk. (I love her) and then proceeded to ask me about the evaluation I got from the Cardio doc. She was not happy when I told her that he discharged me over the phone and didn't see me. So, if I am still feeling the pain (as I still am today) by next week, she will send me to a NEW cardio doctor to get one on one patient care. Im happy with that path.
Most of the day I slept. The pre-meds knocked me out. Plus I haven't had the best few days. I was talking in my sleep. It was quite embarressing. LOL My friend Rachelle was sick and usually visits me but she sent her hubby to bring me lunch. That was a huge relief since I forgot my lunch and couldn't send my husband. LOL
The reason Cory stayed home was because of the kids. We did make a deal that he would always be there, but after this week in the hospital we both feel very convicted that our children are dealing with more than needed so there was some sacrifice that had to happen. He stayed home, and they had a half day, so he picked them up, did homework with them and then headed out to town to pick up Isaac's Birthday gift that he saved money for. A PSP. Im rolling my eyes because $140 for a "gameboy" but whatever. LOL. $500 more dollars I could have an IPAD. LOL We have major bills to worry about and income keeps going down, so an IPAD is seriously not something we can do right now. I can still roll my eyes though. LOL. Anyway, they came about an hour before I was done and then we had a family dinner. It was nice.
Right now I just feel wiped out and have had several hot flashes. They are annoying. LOL. Tomorrow is JJ, and Im SUPER EXCITED ABOUT IT. Im praying the pain does not appear until Saturday. My terms. LOL
Good things about today? I asked the nurse if Taxol was just as hard on the hair loss as BIG RED and she said "NO, that some patients dont lose their hair!" Yay...that is why I see my hair growing, instead of falling out. I think Im ready for a haircut. LOL. J/K...but that is a nice light for the end of the tunnel.
Also, I was nominated and accepted to receive a gift from "cropsofluv" which is a scrapbooking company. My friend Carrie submitted my story and I got it! Basically they are providing me with an album for Isaac and an album for Bella. I get to pick 60-100 pics of what I want in their album and then I get to journal in them, the rest is done by the company. Colors, designs, etc. Once I get my pics in order, I will meet with her and she said we will probably cry together as we get the book ready, and Im sure we will. She reassurred me that this isn't a "death" book. I've been wanting to do something like this, but couldn't bring myself to do it, so Im really excited to just go through the pics and choose what I want Bella and Isaac to remember about me. Wether they will have to look at it now, or 50 years from now. Its such a blessing to have.
The other cool thing is that I get to go to see JJ with my chemo nurses. That was a shock and I wasn't anticpating this conversation. One of my nurses said that she heard "Praise you in the storm" on KLOve and she thought about me. We started talking about Christian music and I asked her if she likes JJ Heller and she got very excited and said "I love her music". So I told her that I have 2 extra tickets. So, now I get to go worship and fellowship with my chemo nurses. Who would have thought? Not me? PTL!
It wasn't as depressing sitting by myself today s as I thought it would be, but its definitly not something I would do again if I don't have to.
I can't believe I have 2 Taxol's left. Im so flipping excited. I did have to move around my schedule a bit. Because Taxol differs from BIG RED, my schedule is different. So Im moving my Taxol to Monday's. That gives me Tuesday nights with the Youth Group and Sunday mornings with my church family. If I kept it on Wednesdays, I would miss both. From here on out until further notice I will have Herceptin every week until my mugascan in April.
Pray for my heart. That the pain goes away!
Pray for my pain from the Taxol. I don't even want to think about it. :(
Most of the day I slept. The pre-meds knocked me out. Plus I haven't had the best few days. I was talking in my sleep. It was quite embarressing. LOL My friend Rachelle was sick and usually visits me but she sent her hubby to bring me lunch. That was a huge relief since I forgot my lunch and couldn't send my husband. LOL
The reason Cory stayed home was because of the kids. We did make a deal that he would always be there, but after this week in the hospital we both feel very convicted that our children are dealing with more than needed so there was some sacrifice that had to happen. He stayed home, and they had a half day, so he picked them up, did homework with them and then headed out to town to pick up Isaac's Birthday gift that he saved money for. A PSP. Im rolling my eyes because $140 for a "gameboy" but whatever. LOL. $500 more dollars I could have an IPAD. LOL We have major bills to worry about and income keeps going down, so an IPAD is seriously not something we can do right now. I can still roll my eyes though. LOL. Anyway, they came about an hour before I was done and then we had a family dinner. It was nice.
Right now I just feel wiped out and have had several hot flashes. They are annoying. LOL. Tomorrow is JJ, and Im SUPER EXCITED ABOUT IT. Im praying the pain does not appear until Saturday. My terms. LOL
Good things about today? I asked the nurse if Taxol was just as hard on the hair loss as BIG RED and she said "NO, that some patients dont lose their hair!" Yay...that is why I see my hair growing, instead of falling out. I think Im ready for a haircut. LOL. J/K...but that is a nice light for the end of the tunnel.
Also, I was nominated and accepted to receive a gift from "cropsofluv" which is a scrapbooking company. My friend Carrie submitted my story and I got it! Basically they are providing me with an album for Isaac and an album for Bella. I get to pick 60-100 pics of what I want in their album and then I get to journal in them, the rest is done by the company. Colors, designs, etc. Once I get my pics in order, I will meet with her and she said we will probably cry together as we get the book ready, and Im sure we will. She reassurred me that this isn't a "death" book. I've been wanting to do something like this, but couldn't bring myself to do it, so Im really excited to just go through the pics and choose what I want Bella and Isaac to remember about me. Wether they will have to look at it now, or 50 years from now. Its such a blessing to have.
The other cool thing is that I get to go to see JJ with my chemo nurses. That was a shock and I wasn't anticpating this conversation. One of my nurses said that she heard "Praise you in the storm" on KLOve and she thought about me. We started talking about Christian music and I asked her if she likes JJ Heller and she got very excited and said "I love her music". So I told her that I have 2 extra tickets. So, now I get to go worship and fellowship with my chemo nurses. Who would have thought? Not me? PTL!
It wasn't as depressing sitting by myself today s as I thought it would be, but its definitly not something I would do again if I don't have to.
I can't believe I have 2 Taxol's left. Im so flipping excited. I did have to move around my schedule a bit. Because Taxol differs from BIG RED, my schedule is different. So Im moving my Taxol to Monday's. That gives me Tuesday nights with the Youth Group and Sunday mornings with my church family. If I kept it on Wednesdays, I would miss both. From here on out until further notice I will have Herceptin every week until my mugascan in April.
Pray for my heart. That the pain goes away!
Pray for my pain from the Taxol. I don't even want to think about it. :(
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Heart Pain + ER = A HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
Most of you know the story so Im going to sum it all up and then move on to the last 24 hours.
Monday, I started feeling like someone was taking my heart and squeezing it. Released it, came back and squeezed again. I Tried Maylox and nothing happened. I had my blood pressure taken and it was 84/52. So after much thought I decided to go to the ER. I sat down with my kids to tell them that our Annual Valentines Dinner and Molten Lava Cakes had to be postponed and they both fell into tears. THat is one thing that I want everyone to remember. Even though everything might look good on the outside, my family and I deal with Cancer EVERYDAY. It never stops. Its an ongoing thing for us. So when they are stopped in their tracks once again because of mommy, they get frustrated and they have every right to be. They didn't want to sleep somewhere AGAIN, they didn't want to be picked up by others AGAIN, they didn't want to pack their suitcases AGAIN! As Bella said "I just want to be with you." That is really frustrating and I know that they will adjust, but its unfair for them to have to adjust. I just wish that we didn't have to adjust anymore.
Anyway, I was seen by the ER doc, lots of tests were ordered and I was admitted on Monday night because my heart enzymes were elevated. My poor husband slept on a chair the first night after working all day. Honestly...this is going to sound DUMB, but that is probably the best Valentines Gift from him that I have recieved in my 10 years of marriage to him. When I told him that he can go home and be with the kids, his response was "are you kidding me? Im not leaving you so don't even ask me again. You are my priority, the kids are doing ok and I am not leaving." That is a great acts of service to me, because I know he meant every word and although I suggested him to go home, I needed him there, but was thinking of the kids. On our way home today, I just kept putting my head on his shoulder saying Thank you. I truly am thankful for him and his dedication to me through my cancer journey. He may not be the best gift giver LOL but he rocks the house on being a caretaker. I will take that over a gift ANYDAY.
So 6 tests later, 4 doctors later I was released today with an unknown diagnosis. I still have the pain, but my oncologist told me last night that she feels in her heart of hearts that its not a side effect from the chemo and she is not concerned with my heart. Wether its anxiety, or a muscle thing from my expanders she is certain that my heart is not under stress. I trust my Oncologist. I told her last night that my life is in her hands and she agrees. She is awesome. She even called me late last night to see if the Cardio doc came to see me last night. She has the BEST bedside manner ever and that is needed when you are going through what I go through.
So, my chemo is rescheduled for tomorrow. She feels comfortable giving me the chemo with the pain I am feeling. Lets pray she's right. :) I trust that God would have revealed something if it was a concern, so Im letting Him have that worry.
On the plus side, Im going to see JJ Heller friday night for my Birthday and if I got chemo today as planned I would have been in her concert in a wheelchair and on pain meds....so this way, I should be ok on Friday night. Im excited to see her in concert and get that fellowship and worship with my girlfriends. :)
So...what did I learn after sitting in bed for 3 days? 3 things actually.
1. I have a great support group of friends and family. Being by our side, sacrificing their Vday's night to take me to the ER, visiting me and giving me goodies LOL, taking our kids, bringing food, texts, emails..you name it, we had it. We are so thankful for that. I would be an emotional mess if I was in the hospital w/out you guys.
2. My husband is a scatter brain LOL but he is the best caretaker ever! He's great at it in general, but being in the medical field makes it 10x better. Im thankful for him and his unending love for me through this. There are men out there that would flee when times get tough like this. I heard terrible stories about some. So Im thankful that God reminded me of how special Cory truly is to me.
3. My kids need me more than they have before. I refuse to allow them to adjust to this and throw them into this disaster and hope they accept it. I know my kids are stronger because of this, but it doesn't mean they don't love their mom and desire to be with me everyday. So, some new rules are happening around here. Mostly some discpline in my life that will allow me to make sure I am there for my kids every night. Enough of others and events and cancer coming before them. Im done with that. This week really opened my eyes to how much they have taken on.
With all that said....Im excited for tonight. We are having the our Annual Valetines Dinner tonight with Pork Loin, Baked Potatoes, Veggies, Red Grape Sparkling Cider, Fine China and Isaac's request....Molten Lava Cakes. :)
Im excited to be home.
Tomorrow is Chemo. Please join me in prayer for my side effects from the Taxol. It sucks. The pain is tough. Im anticipating the pain to start Saturday evening as that is how it panned out last treatment. Im praying its only 48-72 hours like last time and no longer. Just shorter.
Thanks again for all the support!!!!!!
Monday, I started feeling like someone was taking my heart and squeezing it. Released it, came back and squeezed again. I Tried Maylox and nothing happened. I had my blood pressure taken and it was 84/52. So after much thought I decided to go to the ER. I sat down with my kids to tell them that our Annual Valentines Dinner and Molten Lava Cakes had to be postponed and they both fell into tears. THat is one thing that I want everyone to remember. Even though everything might look good on the outside, my family and I deal with Cancer EVERYDAY. It never stops. Its an ongoing thing for us. So when they are stopped in their tracks once again because of mommy, they get frustrated and they have every right to be. They didn't want to sleep somewhere AGAIN, they didn't want to be picked up by others AGAIN, they didn't want to pack their suitcases AGAIN! As Bella said "I just want to be with you." That is really frustrating and I know that they will adjust, but its unfair for them to have to adjust. I just wish that we didn't have to adjust anymore.
Anyway, I was seen by the ER doc, lots of tests were ordered and I was admitted on Monday night because my heart enzymes were elevated. My poor husband slept on a chair the first night after working all day. Honestly...this is going to sound DUMB, but that is probably the best Valentines Gift from him that I have recieved in my 10 years of marriage to him. When I told him that he can go home and be with the kids, his response was "are you kidding me? Im not leaving you so don't even ask me again. You are my priority, the kids are doing ok and I am not leaving." That is a great acts of service to me, because I know he meant every word and although I suggested him to go home, I needed him there, but was thinking of the kids. On our way home today, I just kept putting my head on his shoulder saying Thank you. I truly am thankful for him and his dedication to me through my cancer journey. He may not be the best gift giver LOL but he rocks the house on being a caretaker. I will take that over a gift ANYDAY.
So 6 tests later, 4 doctors later I was released today with an unknown diagnosis. I still have the pain, but my oncologist told me last night that she feels in her heart of hearts that its not a side effect from the chemo and she is not concerned with my heart. Wether its anxiety, or a muscle thing from my expanders she is certain that my heart is not under stress. I trust my Oncologist. I told her last night that my life is in her hands and she agrees. She is awesome. She even called me late last night to see if the Cardio doc came to see me last night. She has the BEST bedside manner ever and that is needed when you are going through what I go through.
So, my chemo is rescheduled for tomorrow. She feels comfortable giving me the chemo with the pain I am feeling. Lets pray she's right. :) I trust that God would have revealed something if it was a concern, so Im letting Him have that worry.
On the plus side, Im going to see JJ Heller friday night for my Birthday and if I got chemo today as planned I would have been in her concert in a wheelchair and on pain meds....so this way, I should be ok on Friday night. Im excited to see her in concert and get that fellowship and worship with my girlfriends. :)
So...what did I learn after sitting in bed for 3 days? 3 things actually.
1. I have a great support group of friends and family. Being by our side, sacrificing their Vday's night to take me to the ER, visiting me and giving me goodies LOL, taking our kids, bringing food, texts, emails..you name it, we had it. We are so thankful for that. I would be an emotional mess if I was in the hospital w/out you guys.
2. My husband is a scatter brain LOL but he is the best caretaker ever! He's great at it in general, but being in the medical field makes it 10x better. Im thankful for him and his unending love for me through this. There are men out there that would flee when times get tough like this. I heard terrible stories about some. So Im thankful that God reminded me of how special Cory truly is to me.
3. My kids need me more than they have before. I refuse to allow them to adjust to this and throw them into this disaster and hope they accept it. I know my kids are stronger because of this, but it doesn't mean they don't love their mom and desire to be with me everyday. So, some new rules are happening around here. Mostly some discpline in my life that will allow me to make sure I am there for my kids every night. Enough of others and events and cancer coming before them. Im done with that. This week really opened my eyes to how much they have taken on.
With all that said....Im excited for tonight. We are having the our Annual Valetines Dinner tonight with Pork Loin, Baked Potatoes, Veggies, Red Grape Sparkling Cider, Fine China and Isaac's request....Molten Lava Cakes. :)
Im excited to be home.
Tomorrow is Chemo. Please join me in prayer for my side effects from the Taxol. It sucks. The pain is tough. Im anticipating the pain to start Saturday evening as that is how it panned out last treatment. Im praying its only 48-72 hours like last time and no longer. Just shorter.
Thanks again for all the support!!!!!!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Pondering......
Tonight, I think about my friend who will be having surgery tomorrow in result of her Breast Cancer Diagnosis. As I prayed with her at the alter, my mind went back to the day before I was ready to go into surgery. I was so scared. Shaking. Crying. Pleading to God for peace. I remember how peaceful I felt as I laid on the bed waiting to go back into surgery. He provided. It was crazy how God lifted that fear from me. I pray the same thing for her. I can only sigh, and wish that none of us have to go through this.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Asking for Help
A new meal schedule is posted on http://foodtidings.com/SignUp.aspx?ScheduleGuid=86af6aab-b353-4f7c-a359-13c751220f5c
Through this journey most of the times I have mentioned the need and I was overwhelmed with responses. At times I feel like I have exhausted those around me, always caring for me and not being to return the good works. My desire is to be there as great as you have all been there for me.
As I started this new treatment and now know the side effects, I need help. My family needs help. It might seem strange to ask for help when you see me in such a normal state most of the time. I only wish that was my 24/7. Unfortunately my family and close friends see the flipside and the reality of chemo. This past taxol treatment, my mother did not leave my side until Cory was home and even then she was right back at my house in the morning cooking breakfast, in order to give Cory a break. Sometimes I forget that my husband is dealing with this emotionally.
SO as you watch my video as I dance around the parking lot of Fresh and Easy in California, please know that,is not my 24/7. I am glad for that video to be used as inspiration to others so that people may see that I am still full of joy.
Taxol treatment is random. This past dose, didn’t hit me till the evening of day 2. Im a bit paranoid about that because I was given tickets for my birthday to go see JJ Heller in concert on Friday. So, I might be seeing her, but on pain meds. LOL.
Anyway, Saturday, Sunday and Monday was my worst. The doctor did tell me that the pain can stay around longer as I get more treatment.
Im asking for help for meals, on Wednesday night (after 9 hours of treatment), Saturday, Sunday and Monday. If I have an overwhelming response, I will gladly be happy to freeze meals for other days that we need it for.
If you are able, please go to my link and sign up. If you can’t access the link, just email me at bagbyfamily@hotmail.com and let me know. If you would like to help but do not live close by, you can email Rachelle at theedfam5@yahoo.com to arrange delivery.
Thank you so much in advance for your good works to our family! We are forever grateful!
Through this journey most of the times I have mentioned the need and I was overwhelmed with responses. At times I feel like I have exhausted those around me, always caring for me and not being to return the good works. My desire is to be there as great as you have all been there for me.
As I started this new treatment and now know the side effects, I need help. My family needs help. It might seem strange to ask for help when you see me in such a normal state most of the time. I only wish that was my 24/7. Unfortunately my family and close friends see the flipside and the reality of chemo. This past taxol treatment, my mother did not leave my side until Cory was home and even then she was right back at my house in the morning cooking breakfast, in order to give Cory a break. Sometimes I forget that my husband is dealing with this emotionally.
SO as you watch my video as I dance around the parking lot of Fresh and Easy in California, please know that,is not my 24/7. I am glad for that video to be used as inspiration to others so that people may see that I am still full of joy.
Taxol treatment is random. This past dose, didn’t hit me till the evening of day 2. Im a bit paranoid about that because I was given tickets for my birthday to go see JJ Heller in concert on Friday. So, I might be seeing her, but on pain meds. LOL.
Anyway, Saturday, Sunday and Monday was my worst. The doctor did tell me that the pain can stay around longer as I get more treatment.
Im asking for help for meals, on Wednesday night (after 9 hours of treatment), Saturday, Sunday and Monday. If I have an overwhelming response, I will gladly be happy to freeze meals for other days that we need it for.
If you are able, please go to my link and sign up. If you can’t access the link, just email me at bagbyfamily@hotmail.com and let me know. If you would like to help but do not live close by, you can email Rachelle at theedfam5@yahoo.com to arrange delivery.
Thank you so much in advance for your good works to our family! We are forever grateful!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
California Here I Come!
Happy Sunday!
Im giddy today, well it mostly started on Friday. Cory said he hasn't seen me this happy in a long time. Fun things are happening and it always takes my mind off Cancer and Chemo. It's nice to have that little bit of what the end will feel like. My old normal. I can't wait for it.
I started my online class through the Nazarene Bible College yesterday. Im really excited to advance in my ministry "career" and dig DEEP! I already have had some emails that seriously put me over the GIDDINESS TOP. Its SO MUCH BETTER than a secular college. For me it is. :) Its exactly what I want, and a HUGE encouragement at the same time. Love it! I can't wait to start having to write essay's on my church and my favorite bible verse and why. AHHHH. Jeremiah 29:11....THATS WHY! HaHa....Anyway, I'll settle down.
My other excitement is....I get to go with our Pastoral Staff at Mosaic to Point Loma Nazarene University in San Diego for a Preaching Seminar. Scott Daniels will be one of the speakers and I am so excited about that. I love hearing him speak. So, I leave this afternoon driving to Cali, and come home Thursday. I don't know what Im more excited about? The seminar, The college, I get to share a hotel for 4 days with Hope, or the fellowship Im about to endure with some of my favorite people. :)
I NEED THIS! You have no clue. LOL. Im so thankful that Im even able to go. It fell on a week that I had my weekly herceptin, but my oncologist was good to me and told me I can go. I feel "healthy" and my family is super supportive. When I mentioned the thought of this trip to my sister and told her I was crazy to even think about going...ya know..the kids, Cory, Chemo. Im in lala land, My sister told me to shut up and go. LOL. So the kids are staying home on Monday with Cory since he has the day off and then the rest of the week with Auntie. They will be in school all day, Cory will go there for dinner and kiss them goodnight. Thank God for a laptop so my work comes with me. Im blessed in that area. All is grand! Yay!
Anyway, so pray for our trip. Pray for safety on the road of course, pray that I come back recharged and full of force. I need it. Especially leading up to my next Taxol treatment. I need to always feel my purpose when Im laying in bed for days. Being encouraged mentally is always a healthy thing for a Chemo patient. And last, pray that this trip binds us together even more so then when we left.
Surf's Up! :)
Im giddy today, well it mostly started on Friday. Cory said he hasn't seen me this happy in a long time. Fun things are happening and it always takes my mind off Cancer and Chemo. It's nice to have that little bit of what the end will feel like. My old normal. I can't wait for it.
I started my online class through the Nazarene Bible College yesterday. Im really excited to advance in my ministry "career" and dig DEEP! I already have had some emails that seriously put me over the GIDDINESS TOP. Its SO MUCH BETTER than a secular college. For me it is. :) Its exactly what I want, and a HUGE encouragement at the same time. Love it! I can't wait to start having to write essay's on my church and my favorite bible verse and why. AHHHH. Jeremiah 29:11....THATS WHY! HaHa....Anyway, I'll settle down.
My other excitement is....I get to go with our Pastoral Staff at Mosaic to Point Loma Nazarene University in San Diego for a Preaching Seminar. Scott Daniels will be one of the speakers and I am so excited about that. I love hearing him speak. So, I leave this afternoon driving to Cali, and come home Thursday. I don't know what Im more excited about? The seminar, The college, I get to share a hotel for 4 days with Hope, or the fellowship Im about to endure with some of my favorite people. :)
I NEED THIS! You have no clue. LOL. Im so thankful that Im even able to go. It fell on a week that I had my weekly herceptin, but my oncologist was good to me and told me I can go. I feel "healthy" and my family is super supportive. When I mentioned the thought of this trip to my sister and told her I was crazy to even think about going...ya know..the kids, Cory, Chemo. Im in lala land, My sister told me to shut up and go. LOL. So the kids are staying home on Monday with Cory since he has the day off and then the rest of the week with Auntie. They will be in school all day, Cory will go there for dinner and kiss them goodnight. Thank God for a laptop so my work comes with me. Im blessed in that area. All is grand! Yay!
Anyway, so pray for our trip. Pray for safety on the road of course, pray that I come back recharged and full of force. I need it. Especially leading up to my next Taxol treatment. I need to always feel my purpose when Im laying in bed for days. Being encouraged mentally is always a healthy thing for a Chemo patient. And last, pray that this trip binds us together even more so then when we left.
Surf's Up! :)
Thursday, February 3, 2011
32 Years Old. Who would have thought?
So February 1st I had another Birthday. Yipee! I love my Birthday. This one was way different of course. Im bald, with expanders on Chemo. LOL Who would have thought? Not me! Someone told me that once you hit 30, its all downhill from there. LOL. Hmmmmmm....
Overall though I had a great day. I started feeling better from the Taxol on Monday night. I could feel my body going from sharp shooting nerve pain to achy. Tuesday I had cramps in my knees, but it was by far so much better than what I dealt with. I woke up to a wonderful surprise at my door from my friend Amy.
Overall though I had a great day. I started feeling better from the Taxol on Monday night. I could feel my body going from sharp shooting nerve pain to achy. Tuesday I had cramps in my knees, but it was by far so much better than what I dealt with. I woke up to a wonderful surprise at my door from my friend Amy.
That was really fun to get! Then my sister & I went to the produce market which is always fun when you get bell peppers for 4 for a $1. LOL. Then off we went to have lunch at Chili's and met my friend Hope. We had a good time and I had a fudge brownie with ice cream. YUM!
We had Youth Group that night as well so I got to celebrate with some of the teens. Most of my Jr. Highers had their school sports games that night so I have to celebrate with them another time. LOL. Amy put together a great gift for me from the kids. She had them write me a note of inspiration and she put it in an adorable purple book. :)
Me & Dayton. He stopped by to wish me a Happy Birthday and his Birthday is (was) Feb 2nd.
LOL All about me!
John had this idea and ya...it didn't work out. LOL
So, overall it was a good day. I tried to keep concentrating on the fact that I am here as healthy as I can be, other than concetrating on the fact that I am a cancer patient. I don't know..it was hard, but I think I did fine.
Yesterday I went in for my weekly Herceptin. 30 minute drip as opposed to 9 hours. It was magical. LOL I looked around and saw the other patients getting chemo and I felt guilty that I only had to sit for 30 minutes. Oh well...I will be there all day in 2 weeks. LOL
I did meet one lady. I don't know...maybe in her late 40's. She had ovarian cancer which then took over her body. She has been on Chemo for 6 years!!!! She has 3 grandkids & that is her reason for living. She was in the middle of getting her taxol. I asked her how the pain was for her and she described it so well. As weird as this may sound, but its so encouraging when you can talk to someone about the pain and the way it feels. They understand. It's hard to describe it and for people to know how to help you when they don't understand where it hurts. We don't even understand where it hurts.
Anyway she started saying that it feels like a crowbar is being jammed into your shoulders and your knee caps, trying to pry them off. LOL. I yelled out and said "EXACTLY"! The reason I was very verbal about that was because on the night of Isaac's bday dinner, I had about 2 good hours with minimal pain (I was on my pain meds) and after dinner we went to Krispy Kreme. I could feel the pain coming back and all of a sudden I had a shooting sharp pain in my righ shoulder and I was just like "Im done, Im ready to go home.". I sat in the car rubbing my shoulder, my legs, my knees, my thighs and it just kept getting worse. She described my pain that night and it was so nice to hear. She also said she doesn't take pain meds. She takes Ibprofun and lays in bed for days. Im not EVEN GOING to be that HERO!
Here is a picture of my nightstand. Cory got bored as he was waiting for me to swallow many pills so this is his creation. Call me what you want, but until your in my shoes....LOL
I told the lady at CHEMO that I take lots of stuff to try and find the right medicine. She told me she went from 2 Ibprofun to 3. Seriously? How do you describe your pain from having a crowbar jammed into your body and only taking 3 Ibprofun!!! INSANITY!!! But Good for her. LOL. Not for me. My friend KiKi described her pain as having her bones being stuck through a vise. LOL. She texted me and gave me ideas for pain meds. YAY KiKi.
All joking aside...I don't wish this pain on anyone. Its terrible and I have 3 more. :( Not so happy. The lady at CHEMO asked me "has your skin on the roof of your mouth starting coming off"? Ummmmmmmm NO! And that isn't in the "side effect" book so it better NOT! Although she said she had trouble eating and I gained 10 pounds since I started chemo, so maybe it'll work for me. :)
Then when I was leaving, I was showing off my Birthday Toes. I got balloons and a cupcake. LOL. She said "You know, you will start losing some of your nails. I lost two." and my CHEMO nurse said "Taxol is known to do that". I laughed and said "Seriously, is this a joke" GIve me the BIG RED back!!! Im OVER TAXOL!! Man, I can't wait till Im done. Im having a PARTY!!!!
So, needless to say, it has been an eventful two days. No side effects from HERCEPTIN other than my neropathy which is from the taxol, but whatever. That's a piece of cake.
I had lots of energy last night. We went grocery shopping, I cleaned all of my produce from the day before and bagged it up. I made dinners for the weeks to come. I made an amazing dinner and we had Valentines cookies as we watched American Idol. Ahhhh I love family time. Im soaking it up while I can. Getting my house in order before the next round.
Loves, Gabs
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