I was informed today that my blog hasn't been the same as it use to be from a few people. Staying clear from being real. Letting people get inside my head. This was all lacking at some extent. I guess my entries have been more "entry" than "journaling". So, this is the perfect day to journal. Get ready, because it can't be anymore real than today.
Lets go back to last night. I want you to imagine the movie "Steel Magnolias." If you haven't watched it....watch it. At the end Sally Fields loses it! Not just crying and yelling. I mean, she LOST IT!!! If you have seen it, then you know exactly what I mean.
Before I start, let me just say that on Monday I had a cyst like thing make a home on my shoulder/back area. I haven't blogged about it, mostly because its gross. Call it a cyst, a pimple, a boyle, whatever! It doesn't belong there. One thing about CHEMO is that you forget what your body on the inside is going through because I can function on the outside. So on Monday, I didn't call the doctor because I had it under control. It got worse, red, and SORE. (Good control I had right?) Cory suggested calling and I said "I'll just see her on Wed." Well this brings me to Tuesday night where it was painful enough that I couldn't wear a bra or anything that rubbed on it, couldn't sleep on that side and so on.
Okay, so Tuesday night after youth group, Cory and I finally make our way to the couch to watch Parenthood. I must have leaned on my "cyst" and said "ouch" and we started talking about the possibilities of maybe an infection. I instantly went into panic mode. I kept asking Cory questions and through a conversation, it turned into a slight argument on wether I should call the doctor to ask her what I should do. It was now 11pm and I was going to see her in 9 hours. I said "No way, I am NOT calling her." After that heated conversation, we agreed we had a long day ahead of us, and bedtime was calling our name.
Oh...wait let me back up again. Before our way to the couch, I went upstairs to kiss the kids goodnight and Bella confessed to me that she makes herself sick because she worries about me too much. She cried, I cried and we prayed. She cried through the whole prayer and told me that she just doesn't know how to NOT worry about me. I assured her that its not her job to worry, she's only 6 and God will take care of us.
Okay....so here comes anxiety for my new chemo treatment, my daughter making herself sick worrying about me, my cyst obviously showing signs of infection and then I make my way to the bathroom to find out that my little monthly friend came. Now this might sound like "no big deal" but I wont go into details, but its a BIG DEAL to have this on the day of your chemo. I walked out of the bathroom as Cory is laying on the bed, I started slamming cabinet doors, shouting words that shouldn't have been shouted and then BROKE! I sobbed like a baby. My husband came into the bathroom and he just held me. I was crying and yelling, and cursing and angry, and bitter, and worried and frustrated and sad. I was crying because I want to throw in the towel. I was yelling because I felt like God wasn't hearing me. I was cursing and angry at the fact that I have this stupid thing called CANCER!!! Im bitter that I got picked. Im worried that CANCER will come back and I don't know it. I am frustrated that I can't do the things that I want to do. And mostly Im sad, because CANCER no matter what card has the best saying, has taken so much from me. It has taken my energy. My breasts. My hair. My health. A piece of my family time. A piece of my marriage.
It has taken away opportunities that mean so much to me. Ministry for instance. I want so badly to "move up" in my ministry career so I decided to take some classes. I was screaming last night that I am TOTALLY IN OVER MY HEAD. I have an opportunity to go to San Diego for a preaching seminar on a campus that I long to be on, long to see my kids attend with the Pastoral staff that I respect so much. AM I CRAZY FOR GOING OUT OF STATE AT A TIME LIKE THIS?
My daughter has anxiety at 6 years old? What did I miss? Do I tell her too much? Does she see too much fear in my eyes?
I have this stupid cyst that should have been called in the first sign of it. Im not a normal being. Im on CHEMO. My body doesn't heal the way yours does. Why was I so stupid and stubborn to call?
So many people around me are getting cancer, and I have tried my best to be a rock, but when I hang up the phone after encouraging them I fall to my knees in anger and disbelief. Angry that more people are infected by this and shocked that I am actually giving advice in this area.
I was shaking, through all these tears and shouting and Cory dragged me over to my nightstand and handed me my sleeping pill. Then I realized. Wow!!! What has happened to my normal life? I sat there and cried some more, Cory just held me not really knowing how to respond, expect to get on our knees and pray and we did. I look up and its 1am. I have to be up at 6 to get my kids up and ready so we can be in Chandler at 8am.
The explosion of emotions came to an end and 20 minutes later, my pill has set in and I fade into lala land.
6am Cory gently pats me to get up. I roll over just to be reminded of this painful thing I have on my back and I groan and get out of bed with an amazing amount of anxiety in my stomach. An hour later, we have the kids ready, lunches packed, chemo bag packed and we are out the door.
I walk into my Oncologists office and see the nurse for them to draw my blood. She asks the famous question. "How are you" so I kindly said "Im ok" and Cory said "She's lying". The nurse looked at me, my eyes welled up and I said "well, physically Im ok I think, but emotionally, I think Im pretty bad." She did exactly what she is supposed to do. Encourage me, give me a pep talk and remind me that I am almost to the end. After the blood work, I head into the room to wait for the doctor and I had a list of questions, concerns and fears written down. She came in and said "How are you" and I took a deep breath and said "well, physically I think Im ok, but emotionally Im a mess" and Cory piped in and said "She has a cyst on her back that we need you to look at" so the doctor patted the table and said "Hop on". So I did and she looked, she touched for awhile and said "Ok, you need antibiotics because its obviously infected and the bad part? No chemo today" There the tears roll again. I look over at my husband and was reminded of our night and how much anxiety I just went through, I worked myself up for the CHEMO and here it was. Nope....not today.
Do you know what its like to mentally prepare yourself to get injected with a poison in your body but yet kills cancer to its death? Try preparing yourself to get into a car accident where you know you are going to be laid up for awhile. Not an easy task.
She reminded me that I could be in the hospital if we do not get this cyst gone and healed from my body. CHEMO with this thing on my back is NOT OPTIONAL. So, Im on antibiotics, I have to go in on MOnday for her to check on it and will determine if I have to go in to have it drained, then we can see if Chemo on Wed is reality.
I left her office, barely walking, barely keeping my eyes open. I was exhausted. I just walked out with my head down, Cory holding me and walking in dissapointment.
My first and foremost frustration is that we have scheduled to take the kids up to Flagstaff to play in the snow and stay in a cabin for Isaac's bday celebreation and mine as well, since our bday's are so close to eachother. That getaway was next weekend. The weekend of my new chemo. Skiing, sledding, snow ball fights is NOT an option right after CHEMO. I refuse. So after much thought, we are going to go this weekend, pull the kids from school on Monday and be together the way we NEED to be right now.
ONe thing I refuse to do is to be angry with God even though my initial reaction is to wonder? God...why? I can't do it. It's not in me but Im angry. Im angry at the situation. Cory reminded me of how I have encouraged so many people through my journey. Well, I hope you aren't reading this when you need to be encouraged because I'm not the encourager right now unfortunatley.
Prayer seems like the right request but I honestly don't even know what to pray for at this point. Today was rough. This blog is real. Yes, throwing the towel in at this point sounds like a great idea but I know its not realistic.