So in my last post I talked briefly about a "word" that I was going into 2011 with. I don't really want to concentrate on cancer because I don't want that to define every ounce of me. I have realized lately that its not working when I allow it dictate every part of my day. Although I need my healing time after treatments, I don't want to keep looking into the future and see the word CANCER blinking in my face. It's easier said than done but when Cory first approached me with this idea, I thought, peace, comfort, joy as I was trying to find these things in the next year through this trial. But as I pondered it, I realized that I already have those things. LOL. Maybe at seperate times but by the blessings of the Holy Spirit, I am able to receive those. So, I came up with something that I struggle with on a normal basis, but even more so since cancer. Physical Touch. Those who know me, know that word makes me cringe. I have no idea why. Maybe because my family isn't all that touchy feely. We never were. Cory can be, but because I am not, he unfortanetly has backed off. I hate the thought of that.
Yesterday I pushed myself HARD to go to church. I decided to go about 30 minutes before service started. I walked in, sat down and could barely hold my head up. I couldn't serve communion because I can barely stand, let alone hold a cup and plate and speak. LOL. Singing was a struggle so I knew that I needed to sit this one out. I sat most of the time during worship which was actually a nice treat to just sit and be still. I love being able to listen to God's word through song and really engage in the meaning. Im VERY thankful I went because the sermon was exactly what I needed to hear and was the perfect timing in my life through chemo and for my marriage.
Let me back up a bit. I have been struggling with physical touch ever since I can remember, but I want you to add in a double masectomy and chemotherapy into it, and you can imagine how it can snowball into an isolated situation. I have had many thoughts these past few weeks of how blessed I am that Cory is my husband. He loves my bald head, my crazy hats that I wear around the house, he loves me through the surgery process, through chemo and yesterday he says he loves me more now than before. But as a women, a wife, you don't want to be content with that. I want to honor my husband and not be so wrapped up in self pity. I talked to my oncologist about my issues and fears and she was WONDERFUL as I knew she would be. Just encouraging and kept reminding me of how temporary this is.
So..fast forward to Sunday's sermon. After hearing Kevin preach God's word in 1 Peter, I realized my role as a wife (once again). I love Cory and I want to love him back especially more now than before, because he has shown me unconditional love so much in the past 6 months. Last night we were sitting on a couch in our room and I told him that "Physical Touch" is my word (words) for 2011. He responded with a smile of course LOL but he said something to me that made me want to put him on even a higher pedestal. He told me that the sermon reminded him how much he loves my inner beauty, especially seeing me go through this journey and the strength I have. I kind of laughed and took off my hat and said "thats good, because I don't have much to offer on the outside" but his response? "I actually love you bald, I say you should keep it" HaHa...not happening, but I appreciate him. Anyway, we had a great time of just sitting and talking and being close which I normally shun away. But with my new vow I have to suck it up and embrace the closeness of my spouse.
1 Peter 1:1-7 (The Message)
1-4The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.
4-6Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as "my dear husband." You'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.
7The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God's grace, you're equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don't run aground.
Im excited to enter into this whole new world of Physical Touch that I am so not comfortable with. Now...for my friends..(Carla) this doesn't mean I want a hug all the time HAHAHA....but I will try not to cringe when I am knee to knee with someone. :)
I anticipate my blog in 2012 when I look back at my progress as one who likes to hug, get back rubs or snuggle on the couch. :)