Thursday, January 13, 2011


Ahhh, I really don't know where to start. This past week has been an emotional one and still is. Some exciting things are happening, and some emotional ones too. I guess I will start with the exciting.

Ministry is expanding in my heart and I have never been in love with working for Christ more than I have been in the past 6 months. Cancer really put a new light on ministry for me. I have always loved being in ministry over the past 12 years but lately it's been different. Maybe because Im different? I don't know, but its my passion and I have a great desire for it. God has been giving me more ministry opportunities than just Jr. High. Through cancer He has brought some pretty amazing people in my life that I have been able to share my story with. I am not only growing daily in my walk with God, but also in my path as a leader. As I have announced before, I got my local Pastoral license, and I am now officially working on my district license starting Feb 7th. Im overhwhelmed with how exciting it is. Im a bit scared to take on this responsibility at a time like this, but I need it. Im getting some great opportunties to be surrounded by Pastors and seminars, and classes during my "good" weeks which are so helpful for my mind. Sitting in bed for 3-4 days at a time after treatments really get you down emotionally. I can NOT WAIT until the beginning of next year when I will be licensed by the district and have finished my CHEMO! WOOT WOOT! A whole new chapter in my life that I can not wait to start, however I am trying to enjoy what God is doing with me right now and not rushing through it. (minus the chemo part) LOL

So, there is the the not so good. Physically/Emotionally Im struggling a bit. Physically I have had some challenges that I am trying to cope with. Sores in my mouth (magic mouthwash which is terrible) and an irritating scalp as my hair attempts to grow back but gets knocked down by the treatments. Fatique is been challenging. About 1-2pm each day my body crashes. Sometimes I listen and I lay down, sometimes I keep going which then turns into a tear fest before bed. Thats when my nighttime meds come in hand. :) My expanders are starting to bug me. I cancelled my appointment with my plastic surgeon because Im not ready to get another fill. I think that hematoma did more damage to me emotionally than physically. I hate to get fills and I am SO READY for the final surgery. But I have to get some more. Im hoping just one more and Im done. I want the implants and I want my port now. :) But...I can't. Not for awhile. LOL A long while.

Emotionally. LOL. Well....I am emotional. LOL I start my new chemo drug called Taxol. With Taxol comes a bit of pain. Less nausea but bone pain. Im NOT ready for it. I don't think one can be ready for it. But I don't like the sound of the word pain, I don't like the process my doctor told me about for this drug and simply put, Im scared. Im scared of the result, Im scared of my new pattern, Im scared of my reaction, Im scared, scared, scared. I've been praying HARD for this treatment to be as easy breezy as possible. I was hit hard with BIG Red but mostly by fatique. I'll take that over pain ANYDAY. So, as this weeks creeps into my treatment next Wednesday, I begin to get more and more anxious. Cory has been a great support to me and my friends/family too. I need lots of prayer on Wednesday so that I may have peace, I may not have an allergic reaction, that my counts are up and that I feel minimal pain. Simply put.

Im trying to keep myself busy lately and to keep moving on. Someone told me today that I am their hero. LOL...I responded with "I don't feel very heroic." I feel like a wimp. A cry baby. A weak spirit. But I am aware of where that is coming from and I have to remember how much God has carried me through. Some pretty intense stuff. I think about the day that I am CHEMO free, and do you know that it actually scares me? My life has been turned upside down, I feel anxious when I think about it going back to "normal". I know my old normal will never be the same, but after 18th mths of CHEMO how do I go back to my normal life? It may sound easy to do,  but it almost feels like an emotional attachment. Does that make any sense? I will be singing victory (especially after Taxol since my hair will start growing back and I am SO DOING SOMETHING FUN & PURPLE WITH IT. Get ready Sarah) but after Taxol I will have 52 weeks of chemo left. Mild, only 30 minutes, hair grows back, side effects are very minimal and implants will go in. Crazy to think about it. To think about being closer to the end of this journey that I will NEVER want to go down again. I pray I never do. I have done everything to keep my chances below 5% of that happening. It better work. :) I have kids to raise, a husband to love and Jr. Highers that need Jesus.

Anyway, that is where I am at today. Lots of stuff, lots of emotions and lots of thoughts running through my head.

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