Let me just say I HATE CHEMO! I HATE CANCER TOO! Its SO OBNOXIOUSLY ANNOYING. I know I have to keep remembering that this is temporary but that is so much easier said than done, especially when you haven't been through it.
This morning, I got up to do Bella's hair for school. As I was doing her hair, I was hunched over and my legs kept giving out and I would catch myself and stand up straight again. Bella responded and said "Mom when are you done with CHEMO" and I said "soon hunny why?" and her response was "I just want you to be normal again." Yes...me too! I asked her why she doesn't think I am normal, and she stated that she wants to hug me without hurting me, or wants to snuggle when she is sick. That is frustrating for me. We did talk about the summer and that I would be better by her birthday and I will have hair again and even get to buy a NEW SWIMSUIT! YAY! She didn't understand the joys of that, but Cory knew what I meant. LOL
As for my weekend of pain which is still going. This pain is terrible. I tried so hard to describe it to Cory last night, and my best description is when you are in labor, with severe abdominal pain which surrounds your pelvic area and shoots down to your legs and no matter what position you lay in, it doesn't help. There are also sharp nerve like feelings, shooting up and down your legs and lower back. I take Ibprofun, Hydrocodone and Valium and the only thing that gives me about an hour of sanity is the Valium. I have no idea why. My doctor is very "anti-narcotic" but Im very "anti-pain" so whatever works...has to work.
I feel frustrated because this was unexpected. They told me that everyone is different, but on average, it would take 1-2 days for me to start feeling "achy" and it can last btwn 48-72 hours. Well, everyone kept telling me "maybe you wont feel the pain at all" and honestly, Im irritated that I listened. Not that I don't think it can happen, but there should have NEVER been a question of "no pain" it was the fact of "the severity of the pain". Pain is inevitable. ITs the level of pain I would feel. I spoke with other women on the same CHEMO and they were taking more medication than I have been, or it has lasted longer than normal. Yes, everyone is different but bottom line is "it WILL happen"
After chemo last week, I felt tired, but way better than I did on BIG RED. As soon as I came home from BIG RED, I was in bed till atleast Sunday and that was usually pushing it. THis time, I was able to make myself breakfast and do some stuff the day after. I couldn't last for long, but I was able to get out of bed. So, when you go from BIG RED to Taxol and you come home feeling way better than you did on BIG RED, I honestly thought...well maybe I am going to bypass this. STUPID!!!!!! That was just not realistic. I should have (and now I know) planned help better, planned meals better, planed care for my children, my sons bday, my laundry, my work, my housecleaning. The list goes on and on for how I could have made this weekend so much easier. But thank God I have family that drops everything and is here for me. They have been here since Saturday morning and stayed till last night. Doing everything they can to make this as painless as possible. Cory having to work just sucked and having a family party for our bday's was tough. I stayed in bed until the meds kicked in, went into the living room for about an hour, then left the party to go to my room. It sucks. Usually Im on the one hosting, baking cakes, and holding a party together, but not this year. Thats for sure.
Lesson learned. Now I know. What happened this treatment will happen again on Feb 16th and I will have my house in order to help things go smoother.
I go again for CHEMO on Wednesday. I will start getting CHEMO once a week (Herceptin only) NOT TAXOL. Mild CHEMO, 52 weeks, so they are bunching it in now with Taxol to take some time off of it. Its super mild, but the thought of going in again on Wednesday to be poked again, ugh, doesn't sit well with me. Im done, Im over it, I can't imagine going through this pain again 3 more times and I am just irritable. 3 more times might seem like nothing to some, but its something. Alot of something.
*Pain Pain Go Away
*Our Insurance officially ends midnight tonight. I have gotten all of my medications filled so that I will not have out of pocket costs for Feb. Pray that we hit the $6000 in bills to qualify again, and PRAY THAT MY KIDS OR HUSBAND DO NOT GET SICK BECUASE WE ARE UN-INSURED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.
Anyway, this cranky girl will be in bed once again. Tomorrow is my 32nd Birthday. I better wake up with zero pain.