So tomorrow I start my Taxol. I have had this fear that I am going to be laying in bed, rolling around moaning from pain. That is the image I have in my head because its new and I don't know what to expect. I keep taking deep breaths and resting assured that God has me in His hands and will heal me from the pain that I have, if any.
I've been anxious about my future with cancer lately. As you know, I never got my petscan done before chemo so they can get a full picture of my whole body to see if there was anything else wondering around. The machine broke halfway through the process and I didn't have enough time to reschedule becuase my chemo started a few days later. My doctor wasn't worried about it because my cancer had not spread to my lymph nodes. Cancer takes that track when you have breast cancer. I remember in the beggining I would ask my breast surgeon for all these kind of tests and she told me, that the chances of cancer skipping the nodes and moving to your lungs is just not realistic. THat is the track it takes. So...that is what I hold on to. But when I hear stories of women that had breast cancer, and months or years later, go back in for other issues just to find out it spread, I panic. I immediately go into fear mode. I think that is natural but not healthy.
So I ran into my friend today and she reminded me that instead of worrying about the cancer somewhere else, hold onto that promise that my lymph nodes weren't infected. It was like God hit me over the head. I need to stop worrying and start PRAISING HIM that my lymph nodes WEREN'T infected! What am I doing? Songs of Praise! That is what I should be doing. I immediately felt peace for that promise. But a peace from God, that is so much better than a doctor's word.
So after my run in, I came home to do my devotional. This is kind of late for me to start it as I normally do it in the morning, but after I dropped the kids off I came back home, laid down and before I knew, it was 11:30. LOL Wow! What a treat. Im glad I waiting because I needed my day to go just as planned. As I sat here eating my lunch I prayed and asked God, to please speak to me through my devotion today. I need to hear Him. And so He did.
I have a devotional that is incorporated into my bible and its different stories of woman who had cancer and the spiritual journey that they were or are on. So I opened up to Day 12 and the title was Crucified with Christ. I was alittle bit dissapointed that it didn't say "Fear before CHemo" or "Facing our Fear" LOL...I was expecting an immediate message from God, but once I read on, there it was.
It was a story about a lady who was crying after her masectomy. Her nurse came in and they started talking about God and how the lady believed that as she was being wheeled into the surgery room, she was in God's Chariot. She climbed in, and her loving Father reminded her of all His great promises as they rode on in.
So the nurse and her talked for awhile and the nurse told her this.
"During a mastecomy the patients arms are spread horizontally like Jesus' were on the Cross of Calvary. She felt it was a unique identification with Christ. Later on, the woman was hit by Paul's message in Galations 2:20 that says "I have been crucified with Christ" So In essence I am laying my desires, my thoughts about what is best, and my dreams at the Cross. My life is no longer about me, but about my faithful, sovereign God."
I started to cry, because I pictured myself laying on that table on September 17th arms spread horizontally like Jesus, and that fact that I laid my desires out to him, my fears, my trust in the doctors, my anxieties, and my dreams of this being a BIG STORY and not a death sentence. All of it was laid out on the table that day, and I have to continue to do so everyday. I remember when my breast surgeon called me to congratulate me that my lymp node tests came back negative. I kind of smiled and said thanks with hesitation because I didn't think the word congratulations fit any type of breast cancer patient. I had NO IDEA what that meant at the time. I do now. I do deserve a Congratulations.
And so I realize. Jesus went through pain. He was afraid the night before he was crucified but He knew that He had to go through that, but that God would be faithful and true as He promised. I have to do the same. As I am about to endure something new, I have to remember to keep this fight that I have and keep on trucking through. Pain or no pain. I want to be cancer free. I never want this to come back. So....there is no going back. I can only go forward from here.