I was going to update per day but I have been way too tired. So here is a simple blog just laying my emotions/feelings all out there.
Wednesday was the worst day of nausea. Thursday I felt queezy but I was SO HUNGRY. I was really tired too. The steroids are probably whats making me hungry but I was like a bottomless pit. I called the nurse and she said "don't question it, just eat" LOL So...Im eating while I can before my appetite goes away or maybe I will be a lucky one.
The best way I can describe the last few days is like being pregnant with Isaac. Now I know that you guys dont know what I felt..LOL but basically morning sickness and fatique. I felt flu-ish. Weak body and nauseated.
Today (Saturday) I made my way to the Harvest Hoedown. Im glad I was able to go with the kids but boy it knocked me out. Lesson learned next treatment. Its not worth it. I was too exhausted out there that I couldn't really be who I am.
Believe it or not, my hair is starting to fall out in the shower. Trust me I have been monitoring it before chemo so I know what to expect. I know some think that hair loss might not happen but after an in depth conversation with my oncologist and chemo nurse on Wednesday its a simple fact. Hair loss will happen because of my mix of chemo. There are thousands out there and some types of cancer dont require the chemo that has hair loss as a side effect or its minimal, but in my case bottom line..it is. I've accepted it but I dread the day. I dread taking showers because what I seen this morning was just a glimpse of what I am not prepared for.
Emotionally? Today Im depressed. Sad that Im stuck in this world that Im not ready to be a part of. All I want to do is curl in my bed and hide, but I have 2 little ones and a husband that I need to show love to. All of this I have no energy for, but must do. I just keep praying that this past few days was the worst of it and I move on to getting healthy before I get knocked down again.
Just a few reminders....If I am not as "physical" as I used to be (hugging, hand shaking, etc) please know its because I need to be cautious. I find myself waving, instead of shaking hands. Its flu season..and I just need to be careful. We also have put the meal calendar back up. (Thanks Rachelle) We set it up for the days/weekend after my treatments. My family will be helping me in between. I really appreciate all the help.
Thank you again for all your prayers and continued support!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Treatment 1
Wednesday was my first treatment of Big Red. Below are some pictures of some moments throughout the day. Looking back at this actually makes me nauseous. LOL
How did I feel Wednesday night? Well...as of now..Wednesday was by far my worst night. I SO WANTED TO HURL...but didn't. It just took some time for the meds to help me out but I was very nauseous and couldn't eat. No matter what I tried...everything made me sick. I took a phenegran at night and I slept all night..waking up like a truck ran me over. My chest hurt (expanders) not sure why. Maybe because of how hard I slept and I could have rolled on my side? Not sure but since the first treatment I have had more muscle spasms around my expanders. Steroids? Who knows? Bottom line....Wednesday night sucked.
Cory and I before I head in for my treatment.
Getting prepped with Zofran and Steroids (which made me loopy)
Getting Cozy
Big Red has made his introduction.
Me watching Big Red make his way through my IV
And its getting closer...
Here he is. The reason Im laughing is because Cory made me laugh. Not because I was happy LOL
My awesome Nurses Monica and Gerry!
How did I feel Wednesday night? Well...as of now..Wednesday was by far my worst night. I SO WANTED TO HURL...but didn't. It just took some time for the meds to help me out but I was very nauseous and couldn't eat. No matter what I tried...everything made me sick. I took a phenegran at night and I slept all night..waking up like a truck ran me over. My chest hurt (expanders) not sure why. Maybe because of how hard I slept and I could have rolled on my side? Not sure but since the first treatment I have had more muscle spasms around my expanders. Steroids? Who knows? Bottom line....Wednesday night sucked.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Chemo Day #1
Well I took a magic pill last night, but apparently it decided not to work or my mind racing was just too powerful for it to work. I tossed and turned all night then woke up at 3:30. I’m not really sure why I have butterflies in my stomach? I asked God to please take the anxiety away and I wasn’t anxious until 3:30 this morning, but I think it’s so unknown and I don’t know what to expect. When I had my mastectomy I was SUPER anxious and couldn’t sleep. When I got to the hospital, I was fine. No anxiety. God was and is good! I listened to a lot of worship music in the hospital waiting up until my time to go back to pre-op and that is my plan to do today. My goal is to get my head together, get my kids off to school with no anxiety in their little hearts and then just Be Still in God’s word and Song on our way to my appointment at 9:40.
This morning, Cory and I woke up both feeling very anxious; I can tell by the way we were restless. I sat up and he just rubbed my back not saying a word. I know I was praying and I can bet he was too. Silently resting in God’s word. We laid back down and just stared at the T.V. Emotions started to come over me but I refuse to cry today. I really want to be strong and if I need to cry to my oncologist before I get started, then I will. But for now..I’m not ready. After a bit, I got up and told Cory I was going to blog. So here I am. I don’t think anything can prepare you for this day. Well…mentally anyway. But we are here and we can’t go backwards. I need to go forward. Today Big Red & I will meet. We will work together to fight this cancer and any chance of it returning. Big Red is just going to go in and fight….and its my job to stay strong physically & mentally while he does his thing.
Easy Breeze Beautiful Chemo Girl Right? Here is a picture that my step-sister made for me. I’m going in today with this picture stuck in my brain.
I also wanted to get very personal and share my prayer with you today. I was going to do this for my first surgery but forgot and it means a lot to me to share this. I ask for prayer today. That I am overwhelmed with peace and that anxiety doesn’t have a place in my body today. Pray that I ride through this as smoothly as I can. I know there are side effects that I won’t be able to help, but pray that I can still be who I crave to be.
“Lord I ask that you give me peace today. Help me have a calm spirit and remain peaceful and not a frantic mess. Surprise me and put me in awe with the strength needed for chemo. Give me the strength through my first treatment so that I may still enjoy my life, kids and family. Give me the strength in my mind that I THROUGH YOU will be stronger than any type of chemo. I love you Lord and I am thankful that I am as healthy as I am. I pray that the chemo will catch any little cell that may be forming or floating around. I pray for my kids that they are strengthened through this trial and that they can be stronger through this. Make their tender hearts rock solid. I pray for my husband that you provide him with a gentle spirit and patience as my caretaker. Thank you for blessing me with a husband who loves me with short hair, crazy bed hair and baldness. Thank you for allowing him to see past this and to love my heart and not my image. Bless my sister and mom as they watch me endure this journey. Give them the words to speak and to be strong for me and my family. Bless their homes and I thank you for their sacrifice to me. Bless my friends and supporters. Bless them in return for being your servant in my time of need. Thank you for their acts of service and continued support. Lord please block any germs that can cause an infection. Keep my health on tip top shape. Heal me O Lord before it even starts. Thank you and I praise you continually through this storm.”
In Jesus Precious Name
Amen
This morning, Cory and I woke up both feeling very anxious; I can tell by the way we were restless. I sat up and he just rubbed my back not saying a word. I know I was praying and I can bet he was too. Silently resting in God’s word. We laid back down and just stared at the T.V. Emotions started to come over me but I refuse to cry today. I really want to be strong and if I need to cry to my oncologist before I get started, then I will. But for now..I’m not ready. After a bit, I got up and told Cory I was going to blog. So here I am. I don’t think anything can prepare you for this day. Well…mentally anyway. But we are here and we can’t go backwards. I need to go forward. Today Big Red & I will meet. We will work together to fight this cancer and any chance of it returning. Big Red is just going to go in and fight….and its my job to stay strong physically & mentally while he does his thing.
Easy Breeze Beautiful Chemo Girl Right? Here is a picture that my step-sister made for me. I’m going in today with this picture stuck in my brain.
“Lord I ask that you give me peace today. Help me have a calm spirit and remain peaceful and not a frantic mess. Surprise me and put me in awe with the strength needed for chemo. Give me the strength through my first treatment so that I may still enjoy my life, kids and family. Give me the strength in my mind that I THROUGH YOU will be stronger than any type of chemo. I love you Lord and I am thankful that I am as healthy as I am. I pray that the chemo will catch any little cell that may be forming or floating around. I pray for my kids that they are strengthened through this trial and that they can be stronger through this. Make their tender hearts rock solid. I pray for my husband that you provide him with a gentle spirit and patience as my caretaker. Thank you for blessing me with a husband who loves me with short hair, crazy bed hair and baldness. Thank you for allowing him to see past this and to love my heart and not my image. Bless my sister and mom as they watch me endure this journey. Give them the words to speak and to be strong for me and my family. Bless their homes and I thank you for their sacrifice to me. Bless my friends and supporters. Bless them in return for being your servant in my time of need. Thank you for their acts of service and continued support. Lord please block any germs that can cause an infection. Keep my health on tip top shape. Heal me O Lord before it even starts. Thank you and I praise you continually through this storm.”
In Jesus Precious Name
Amen
Monday, October 25, 2010
My Very Own Chemo Bag
Who would have thought that getting a "chemo bag" would put tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. Im feeling equipped today and I am SO THANKFUL to my very new and dear friend Kiki.
I've talked about her lots through this journey and today I got an awesome gift in the mail by her. My very own "chemo bag." Kiki received this gift a week before her chemo from her friend that was going through the same thing and now Kiki was able to pass it on to me.
The bag is made from Vera Bradley
And I got a purple bag!!!
Then It was filled with all of the goodies needed to make my chemo time a bit more easy. As you can see below she filled it up knowing what I will need.
Im BEYOND BLESSED to Have Kiki in my life to help me through this and the fact that I can have a real life person to talk to that is just finishing up her treatment and everything is fresh in her mind. Any questions I have..she is just a text/email/phone call away. She is going to try and come to one of my treatments with me. I can't wait and THIS TIME...we will get a picture!!!
Thank you Kiki for putting a smile on my face, when my body trembles at the thought of Wednesday.
Love you tons!!!
I've talked about her lots through this journey and today I got an awesome gift in the mail by her. My very own "chemo bag." Kiki received this gift a week before her chemo from her friend that was going through the same thing and now Kiki was able to pass it on to me.
The bag is made from Vera Bradley
And I got a purple bag!!!
Then It was filled with all of the goodies needed to make my chemo time a bit more easy. As you can see below she filled it up knowing what I will need.
Im BEYOND BLESSED to Have Kiki in my life to help me through this and the fact that I can have a real life person to talk to that is just finishing up her treatment and everything is fresh in her mind. Any questions I have..she is just a text/email/phone call away. She is going to try and come to one of my treatments with me. I can't wait and THIS TIME...we will get a picture!!!
Thank you Kiki for putting a smile on my face, when my body trembles at the thought of Wednesday.
Love you tons!!!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Anger or fuel for a TOUGH FIGHT?
Can you believe for the first time since my diagnosis (2 months & 10 days) I feel angry? Not angry with God but angry that this disease has interfered with one of my passions that defines my identity. Ministry. Today was such a blessing for me, but it reminded me of how limited I am, and it drives me CRAZY with frustration that I can’t be what God intended me to be. He is using me in a way I never thought and today I had a hard time getting used to it. I crave full time ministry and I just feel like everything is still moving and Im at a standstill. Ministry is happening and I am so out of the loop. Im angry that I can’t function the way I used to and my life is so unknown. I am angry that I can’t set up with my church family, be part of our first Harvest Hoedown Outreach on Saturday or see my Jr. Highers every Tuesday. I see that maybe this might be a benefit to fight even harder, however I don’t know my reactions to the chemo but I hope my slogan truly represents me during chemo.
“Easy breezy beautiful CHEMO girl”
Today was awesome. Even through my frustrations, I still glorified Him and Thanked Him for giving me the blessing. Today I served communion to my church family. I LOVE having that opportunity and it reminds me how much I want to continue on in ministry and go all the way to ordination. It just reminds me of why God created me. This defines me. My diagnosis does not. God is my identity. Not Cancer.
After serving communion and receiving the message that Pastor Kevin preached, I was blessed to be part of the team to be up front being able to be serve our church family in their need and in the time of surrounding their life to God. Making Him LORD of their life. God used me today with one of our members and gave me the opportunity to pray with her. I love that God uses my past and my family history to relate to others. I am so thankful and I rejoice in that.
After the service was over, Pastor Dee hugged me and said “Girl, God is using YOU” & I couldn’t help but smile and say YES! Sometimes I am being used just by my blog and inspiring others, but at times I don’t even know I am. I will get messages and at times it’s so hard for me to believe that I even do that. People tell me how much I am a light and how I inspire them to trust God and how encouraging it is to see that I still seek God through all this rather than turn in anger. I shake my head in disbelief because it’s hard for me to believe. I’m not sure why. Maybe God has humbled me in ways that I can’t see. I don’t want to be vain and say “I know, of course I am inspiring” LOL I rather respond and say “Wow really? Good I’m glad that God has used me to touch you.”
Even through inspiring others through my blog I LOVE to SEE how I can witness to others in person too. Yes through cancer and my faith but in prayer, through teaching my Jr. Highers how much God loves them and to inspire them to live their life for God. Seeing a change in them, seeing them grow and crave His love. I long for that. It’s my desire. I really think that is where my anger comes in. I don’t have time for cancer. I have work to do, BUT I know that God has a plan and right now my focus on helping others has changed a bit. Who knows what can come out of this?
Regardless of all my emotions I won't be crushed or broken. In 3 days I start my first treatment of a drug that I never imagined I would endure. Chemo. I have to laugh when I think of it, because it’s SO BEYOND MY plan. LOL. Sometimes when I talk about it I still shake my head in disbelief. Now when I come to church, It’s not the normal “Good morning” its “Great, you’re here, you made it, Im glad to see you.” My presence isn’t just expected. There is hope but it’s not guaranteed. I will do my very best to be at the upcoming events because it fills me up. Interacting with others, meeting new people, meeting new families and staying in touch with the youth group is part of me.
I have a purpose. To have a contagious relationship that others want. I hope to fulfill that in my lifetime to many. Whether it is through cancer or not. I just have to remember that this is part of my new journey that God needs me to finish out. It’s a struggle today, but by faith I will move on tomorrow.
“Easy breezy beautiful CHEMO girl”
Today was awesome. Even through my frustrations, I still glorified Him and Thanked Him for giving me the blessing. Today I served communion to my church family. I LOVE having that opportunity and it reminds me how much I want to continue on in ministry and go all the way to ordination. It just reminds me of why God created me. This defines me. My diagnosis does not. God is my identity. Not Cancer.
After serving communion and receiving the message that Pastor Kevin preached, I was blessed to be part of the team to be up front being able to be serve our church family in their need and in the time of surrounding their life to God. Making Him LORD of their life. God used me today with one of our members and gave me the opportunity to pray with her. I love that God uses my past and my family history to relate to others. I am so thankful and I rejoice in that.
After the service was over, Pastor Dee hugged me and said “Girl, God is using YOU” & I couldn’t help but smile and say YES! Sometimes I am being used just by my blog and inspiring others, but at times I don’t even know I am. I will get messages and at times it’s so hard for me to believe that I even do that. People tell me how much I am a light and how I inspire them to trust God and how encouraging it is to see that I still seek God through all this rather than turn in anger. I shake my head in disbelief because it’s hard for me to believe. I’m not sure why. Maybe God has humbled me in ways that I can’t see. I don’t want to be vain and say “I know, of course I am inspiring” LOL I rather respond and say “Wow really? Good I’m glad that God has used me to touch you.”
Even through inspiring others through my blog I LOVE to SEE how I can witness to others in person too. Yes through cancer and my faith but in prayer, through teaching my Jr. Highers how much God loves them and to inspire them to live their life for God. Seeing a change in them, seeing them grow and crave His love. I long for that. It’s my desire. I really think that is where my anger comes in. I don’t have time for cancer. I have work to do, BUT I know that God has a plan and right now my focus on helping others has changed a bit. Who knows what can come out of this?
Regardless of all my emotions I won't be crushed or broken. In 3 days I start my first treatment of a drug that I never imagined I would endure. Chemo. I have to laugh when I think of it, because it’s SO BEYOND MY plan. LOL. Sometimes when I talk about it I still shake my head in disbelief. Now when I come to church, It’s not the normal “Good morning” its “Great, you’re here, you made it, Im glad to see you.” My presence isn’t just expected. There is hope but it’s not guaranteed. I will do my very best to be at the upcoming events because it fills me up. Interacting with others, meeting new people, meeting new families and staying in touch with the youth group is part of me.
I have a purpose. To have a contagious relationship that others want. I hope to fulfill that in my lifetime to many. Whether it is through cancer or not. I just have to remember that this is part of my new journey that God needs me to finish out. It’s a struggle today, but by faith I will move on tomorrow.
Friday, October 22, 2010
PLEASE READ........A BIG THANKS AND A HUG
The first part of my day STUNK!! To sum it up…I went through ¾ of the PET scan for the tech to come tell me that the machine just shut down and she doesn’t know why. After trying to fix it for 15 minutes they said “I’m sorry I have bad news, we are going to have to reschedule.” Now let me just remind you that I had radioactive dye injected. I don’t like to get injected with stuff for no reason. I had to sit for an hour and do nothing. I was in a recliner in the dark with a blanket and pillow. However…I did have an hour of prayer time. Whew, I had a lot to say. But to sit in a machine and have it scan to my belly and knowing Im almost done with my last test and then get told “machine broke” O………M………….G………..! I WAS SO ANNOYED! Hope took me in town today and she did some errands during my test. When she picked me up I yelled out the window “UGH” & laughed because OF COURSE THIS WOULD HAPPEN. IM GABBEE BAGBY. WHY NOT? LOL
Whatever...we had lunch and Hope prayed at lunch asking God to put this frustration behind me. It worked….a lot however...I guess I’m still complaining about it. LOL
Okay…I’m moving on and working on the good news. Today I went to deposit some money in the bank and I just asked the teller “can you give me my balance in my savings account?” So he did and I had more money in there than I thought. I said “Was there a recent deposit?” He said “Well there was a cash deposit done today for $116.85. I said “yay” so who ever deposited that….THANK YOU!!! You turned my frown upside down and made my crappy day so much better!!!
Then I went to Safeway to get smores for our family night tonight, and ended up sitting at the school 10 minutes early to pick up the kids. So what do you do when you are bored in your car? Check Facebook of course! So I had a message from one of the teachers at Anthem “Go Mrs. Gooden” and she said “Give me your bank account info…we raised $300 for you”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!! Talk about a great ending to my day!!!
You guys…its not so much the money that I am happy about. Of course it takes off the weight on my shoulders, but it’s the support. The love that I feel from those acts of service from others gets me FIRED UP TO FIGHT. It truly means so much to me that people think of me when they are donating. How did that donation come about? Well this week was pink week at Anthem and if the teachers/staff wanted to wear jeans, they had to donate $2 per day that they wore jeans. HaHa…that was from the student council! They are awesome!!!!! I have worked alongside them many times while I was in the PTA …and I am so thankful that my life was part of their work at school!
I have been with Anthem for 5 years now, when we were at the temporary school. I was able to walk the halls of the building before it was done, I served on the PTA, I worked there and I always said Anthem was my family. I have seen some bad but have some awesome things come out of that school. I have seen teachers come and go, lots of teachers having babies, getting married and it’s just family. “We fly with pride, we soar above the rest, because we always do our best” Thank you Thank You to my Anthem Family for your donation and support. This is part of my everyday battle and this is what reminds me that I am fighting for a reason!
THANK YOU ANONYOMOS AND THANK YOU ANTHEM for turning my frown UPSIDE DOWN!
Whatever...we had lunch and Hope prayed at lunch asking God to put this frustration behind me. It worked….a lot however...I guess I’m still complaining about it. LOL
Okay…I’m moving on and working on the good news. Today I went to deposit some money in the bank and I just asked the teller “can you give me my balance in my savings account?” So he did and I had more money in there than I thought. I said “Was there a recent deposit?” He said “Well there was a cash deposit done today for $116.85. I said “yay” so who ever deposited that….THANK YOU!!! You turned my frown upside down and made my crappy day so much better!!!
Then I went to Safeway to get smores for our family night tonight, and ended up sitting at the school 10 minutes early to pick up the kids. So what do you do when you are bored in your car? Check Facebook of course! So I had a message from one of the teachers at Anthem “Go Mrs. Gooden” and she said “Give me your bank account info…we raised $300 for you”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!! Talk about a great ending to my day!!!
You guys…its not so much the money that I am happy about. Of course it takes off the weight on my shoulders, but it’s the support. The love that I feel from those acts of service from others gets me FIRED UP TO FIGHT. It truly means so much to me that people think of me when they are donating. How did that donation come about? Well this week was pink week at Anthem and if the teachers/staff wanted to wear jeans, they had to donate $2 per day that they wore jeans. HaHa…that was from the student council! They are awesome!!!!! I have worked alongside them many times while I was in the PTA …and I am so thankful that my life was part of their work at school!
I have been with Anthem for 5 years now, when we were at the temporary school. I was able to walk the halls of the building before it was done, I served on the PTA, I worked there and I always said Anthem was my family. I have seen some bad but have some awesome things come out of that school. I have seen teachers come and go, lots of teachers having babies, getting married and it’s just family. “We fly with pride, we soar above the rest, because we always do our best” Thank you Thank You to my Anthem Family for your donation and support. This is part of my everyday battle and this is what reminds me that I am fighting for a reason!
THANK YOU ANONYOMOS AND THANK YOU ANTHEM for turning my frown UPSIDE DOWN!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Dr. Admire & God's Timing
Well today was a really good day for me. Not so much because it was a physically strong day but I had some God moments today and I feel really blessed to have my eyes opened.
Today was my appointment with Dr. Admire, my plastic surgeon. Lately I have been frustrated with him because of his lack of beside manner. I didn’t enter into his office by choice. To enhance anything on my body by choice. Im there as a cancer patient and I wasn’t getting the same response from Dr. Admire as I was getting from my breast surgeon and oncologist. Given…he’s a plastic surgeon but if he can’t be compassionate to breast cancer patients then he needs to strictly stay with cosmetic only.
However…I’ve jokingly said I was going to talk to him and share with him my frustration. I wasn’t serious until a few days ago when I finally realized that my obsession with him had to come to a stop. LOL. So today was my appointment..the day I would share my heart with a man that doesn’t seem interested. I rehearsed in the shower this morning and it sounded great LOL however when I was waiting to be seen I forgot everything. My friend Rachelle came with me and she jokingly said “do you want to rehearse now?” but we knew that we couldn’t in the middle of the waiting room. So I just contemplated to myself on even saying anything. I saw how busy he was, knowing he had to go into surgery soon and I thought “Maybe next time.” But when they called me back, I went by myself when I usually have 2 of my friends or family with me. I figured if I do say anything, it’ll probably be better if I did it by myself so he doesn’t feel a threat. So I went into the room and said “Jesus, please give me the words to speak, I don’t remember anything I rehearsed, just be in my words.”
So he came in, greeted me and immediately said “So how are you feeling since the hematoma?” I know that sounds routine, but normally he just asks, “how I am doing?” but he remembered me. I responded and here is how our conversation went.
Me: “Well, honestly Im scared. Im scared to get fills, Im scared to get implants and not only am I dealing with the emotional effects of being a breast cancer patient, I am dealing with the tragedy of the hematoma which was by far the most pain I have ever felt in my life. I feel like your office is supposed to be a happy place for me, giving me something back that I just lost and I just don’t feel safe. I have had nothing but pain from the expanders and I just need to know that it’s all going to be ok. I don’t want a fill today, I start chemo next week and I don’t want to get my implants in till after my 8 treatments of chemo.”
Dr. Admire: “I totally understand and we will start taking it easy especially with the start of chemo. I don’t want you to feel that way and we will back off of the fills if that is your choice. We can fill you once every 3 weeks and we need about 200 more CC’s of fluid in each breast for your chosen size (which is the size I was) which can be done over the 8 treatments (which is 6 months) and we will wait till after your chemo treatments to do the final surgery. You’re looking great, you’re healing great and let’s just take it slow.”
LOL that conversation might sound lame to some but let me just tell you that was a GODSEND. For me. He was compassionate, he heard me out, he agreed, he backed off and he showed bedside manner. God truly just allowed me to speak honest with him and not be so rehearsed.
I left there with such a weight lifted off my shoulders. As a patient I had control back and it felt good.
After my appointment Rachelle and I got lunch and just chatted. Rachelle and I have 6 years of history and she is just so refreshing for me. She is genuine and has always been genuine with her walk with God. Our kids love being with each other and even though we are not in the same zip code she has my back. I love her. One part of the many conversations we had, we just talked about how much God is in control. Looking back and realizing how he orchestrates our lives. It’s interesting to watch how he put all the pieces to my puzzle together and if I had to get cancer, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but where I am at from my residence to my marriage. God didn’t give me cancer but He knew I would have it and the best part? He is using me to inspire others. I am so thankful for that. But because He knew, he put me in certain paths throughout the last 6 years that really has placed me exactly where I am, which really works as a cancer patient. Moving to Nevada and being alongside my mother in law as she battled breast cancer and chemo, coming to a church that is beyond supportive, they are my family, working from home, my kids being older, my marriage being stronger, my sister and mom and brother by my side, my influence in the lives of Jr. Highers, my involvement within the community and so much more. This was all puzzled together perfectly. I’m just so thankful!
Tomorrow is my pet scan. This will scan my body to see if there is any cancer elsewhere or abnormalities. Will you pray for me? Clean pet scan. Clean pet scan oh and CLEAN PET SCAN!
Thank you supporters!
Today was my appointment with Dr. Admire, my plastic surgeon. Lately I have been frustrated with him because of his lack of beside manner. I didn’t enter into his office by choice. To enhance anything on my body by choice. Im there as a cancer patient and I wasn’t getting the same response from Dr. Admire as I was getting from my breast surgeon and oncologist. Given…he’s a plastic surgeon but if he can’t be compassionate to breast cancer patients then he needs to strictly stay with cosmetic only.
However…I’ve jokingly said I was going to talk to him and share with him my frustration. I wasn’t serious until a few days ago when I finally realized that my obsession with him had to come to a stop. LOL. So today was my appointment..the day I would share my heart with a man that doesn’t seem interested. I rehearsed in the shower this morning and it sounded great LOL however when I was waiting to be seen I forgot everything. My friend Rachelle came with me and she jokingly said “do you want to rehearse now?” but we knew that we couldn’t in the middle of the waiting room. So I just contemplated to myself on even saying anything. I saw how busy he was, knowing he had to go into surgery soon and I thought “Maybe next time.” But when they called me back, I went by myself when I usually have 2 of my friends or family with me. I figured if I do say anything, it’ll probably be better if I did it by myself so he doesn’t feel a threat. So I went into the room and said “Jesus, please give me the words to speak, I don’t remember anything I rehearsed, just be in my words.”
So he came in, greeted me and immediately said “So how are you feeling since the hematoma?” I know that sounds routine, but normally he just asks, “how I am doing?” but he remembered me. I responded and here is how our conversation went.
Me: “Well, honestly Im scared. Im scared to get fills, Im scared to get implants and not only am I dealing with the emotional effects of being a breast cancer patient, I am dealing with the tragedy of the hematoma which was by far the most pain I have ever felt in my life. I feel like your office is supposed to be a happy place for me, giving me something back that I just lost and I just don’t feel safe. I have had nothing but pain from the expanders and I just need to know that it’s all going to be ok. I don’t want a fill today, I start chemo next week and I don’t want to get my implants in till after my 8 treatments of chemo.”
Dr. Admire: “I totally understand and we will start taking it easy especially with the start of chemo. I don’t want you to feel that way and we will back off of the fills if that is your choice. We can fill you once every 3 weeks and we need about 200 more CC’s of fluid in each breast for your chosen size (which is the size I was) which can be done over the 8 treatments (which is 6 months) and we will wait till after your chemo treatments to do the final surgery. You’re looking great, you’re healing great and let’s just take it slow.”
LOL that conversation might sound lame to some but let me just tell you that was a GODSEND. For me. He was compassionate, he heard me out, he agreed, he backed off and he showed bedside manner. God truly just allowed me to speak honest with him and not be so rehearsed.
I left there with such a weight lifted off my shoulders. As a patient I had control back and it felt good.
After my appointment Rachelle and I got lunch and just chatted. Rachelle and I have 6 years of history and she is just so refreshing for me. She is genuine and has always been genuine with her walk with God. Our kids love being with each other and even though we are not in the same zip code she has my back. I love her. One part of the many conversations we had, we just talked about how much God is in control. Looking back and realizing how he orchestrates our lives. It’s interesting to watch how he put all the pieces to my puzzle together and if I had to get cancer, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but where I am at from my residence to my marriage. God didn’t give me cancer but He knew I would have it and the best part? He is using me to inspire others. I am so thankful for that. But because He knew, he put me in certain paths throughout the last 6 years that really has placed me exactly where I am, which really works as a cancer patient. Moving to Nevada and being alongside my mother in law as she battled breast cancer and chemo, coming to a church that is beyond supportive, they are my family, working from home, my kids being older, my marriage being stronger, my sister and mom and brother by my side, my influence in the lives of Jr. Highers, my involvement within the community and so much more. This was all puzzled together perfectly. I’m just so thankful!
Tomorrow is my pet scan. This will scan my body to see if there is any cancer elsewhere or abnormalities. Will you pray for me? Clean pet scan. Clean pet scan oh and CLEAN PET SCAN!
Thank you supporters!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
More Team Gabbee Pics
This day was amazing. Although I went in for emergency surgery two days prior I wanted to bad to be there. I was there physically but mentally I was drugged up. Oh well...I have these pics to give me memories :)
The Hair Cut
I cut my hair on Saturday to easily transition to baldness. Some people don't lose their hair which would be a great blessing. My oncologist told me I would...and the variations of chemo can determine that too but I guess we will see. If I do, then I know that growing it back wont be bad having a short hair cut...if I dont lose it, then I have purple hair! Yay!!
Port Update
I haven’t blogged in forever. Well maybe just a few days. Just feels like Forever.
I had my port placed in yesterday. It went well. I had some great nurses. Breast Cancer survivors actually which is always a blessing. I was able to talk to the doctor because my expander seems high and it was in the spot where he would normally put the port so he had to go higher near the collar bone. I was sedated but could remember him pushing hard down on my body. Trying to get that port deep in my tissue so it isn’t too noticeable. I guess this is the part that being skinny is a bad thing. LOL.
Yesterday I was pretty sore. Today I am too. Ibuprofen is my new Best Friend. Actually we never broke our friendship since the day I was diagnosed. LOL . I’m just resting and icing the spot every 20 minutes. My sister came to wash my hair since it was a greasy mess. LOL sorry if that is TMI but with my entire head was covered in salon hair products, it was just a disaster. I can’t shower for two days yuck, so sponge bathing it is.
Last night was stressful because Cory came in to the bedroom holding his chest. I thought it was anxiety so I asked him if he was ok and he said “ummmm no” So I said “what’s wrong then” he said “ummmmm, I think I’m getting sick”. Immediately I was like “get away from me”. LOL “you’re not sleeping next to me either”. Poor guy. I hate sleeping alone, but I CAN NOT get sick. Then this morning Cory was getting the kids backpacks ready and Bella comes in my room crying because her throat hurt. I got up and started crying and yelling at who? I don’t really know, but I was so frustrated that of all seasons to start chemo, I start in FLU season! I had this sickness that they have so I’m hoping that is a good thing…but there is one Bagby left…Isaac. Please God if he is going to get sick, do it now but I rather just pray that it bypasses Isaac. But Tonight Isaac says “my ear hurts”. I lost it. I’m like that’s it! Everyone wash their hands and then I got the Clorox wipes and started wiping EVERYTHING. If I could wipe their bodies all over I would. Cory has a sinus infection, got an Rx for it and came home, took off his scrubs, washed up and put on a mask before he came to see me. LOL Good Boy Cory. LOL Can you imagine the amount of germs he deals with all day. Anthem pretty much has a swarm of this virus, imagine the doctors’ offices. YUCK!!!!!!!!! I’m becoming a germ a phobic. My doctor said not to live in a bubble but I can’t help it.
So my mom helped me wash everything under the sun that touched my family and I am just praying. We had our prayer time at night and I just prayed for a hedge of protection on our family from this virus that is going around.
Tomorrow is my appointment with the one man that I do not admire. Dr. Admire. Actually…I’m going to give him a piece of my mind. I have rehearsed it in my head several times. I’m going to be nice and not accuse him, rather just tell him that “I’m feeling like…” instead of accusing him. But I am not going to be filled before chemo; I will not have the implants until my oncologist says O.K. and I will do this at my pace, at the CC’s I want. Whew…it fills good to know that I am an advocate for my own health.
Anyway, thank you for the prayers during my port procedure. Please continue praying for continued healing and that our family is not consumed or infected with this nasty virus.
I had my port placed in yesterday. It went well. I had some great nurses. Breast Cancer survivors actually which is always a blessing. I was able to talk to the doctor because my expander seems high and it was in the spot where he would normally put the port so he had to go higher near the collar bone. I was sedated but could remember him pushing hard down on my body. Trying to get that port deep in my tissue so it isn’t too noticeable. I guess this is the part that being skinny is a bad thing. LOL.
Yesterday I was pretty sore. Today I am too. Ibuprofen is my new Best Friend. Actually we never broke our friendship since the day I was diagnosed. LOL . I’m just resting and icing the spot every 20 minutes. My sister came to wash my hair since it was a greasy mess. LOL sorry if that is TMI but with my entire head was covered in salon hair products, it was just a disaster. I can’t shower for two days yuck, so sponge bathing it is.
Last night was stressful because Cory came in to the bedroom holding his chest. I thought it was anxiety so I asked him if he was ok and he said “ummmm no” So I said “what’s wrong then” he said “ummmmm, I think I’m getting sick”. Immediately I was like “get away from me”. LOL “you’re not sleeping next to me either”. Poor guy. I hate sleeping alone, but I CAN NOT get sick. Then this morning Cory was getting the kids backpacks ready and Bella comes in my room crying because her throat hurt. I got up and started crying and yelling at who? I don’t really know, but I was so frustrated that of all seasons to start chemo, I start in FLU season! I had this sickness that they have so I’m hoping that is a good thing…but there is one Bagby left…Isaac. Please God if he is going to get sick, do it now but I rather just pray that it bypasses Isaac. But Tonight Isaac says “my ear hurts”. I lost it. I’m like that’s it! Everyone wash their hands and then I got the Clorox wipes and started wiping EVERYTHING. If I could wipe their bodies all over I would. Cory has a sinus infection, got an Rx for it and came home, took off his scrubs, washed up and put on a mask before he came to see me. LOL Good Boy Cory. LOL Can you imagine the amount of germs he deals with all day. Anthem pretty much has a swarm of this virus, imagine the doctors’ offices. YUCK!!!!!!!!! I’m becoming a germ a phobic. My doctor said not to live in a bubble but I can’t help it.
So my mom helped me wash everything under the sun that touched my family and I am just praying. We had our prayer time at night and I just prayed for a hedge of protection on our family from this virus that is going around.
Tomorrow is my appointment with the one man that I do not admire. Dr. Admire. Actually…I’m going to give him a piece of my mind. I have rehearsed it in my head several times. I’m going to be nice and not accuse him, rather just tell him that “I’m feeling like…” instead of accusing him. But I am not going to be filled before chemo; I will not have the implants until my oncologist says O.K. and I will do this at my pace, at the CC’s I want. Whew…it fills good to know that I am an advocate for my own health.
Anyway, thank you for the prayers during my port procedure. Please continue praying for continued healing and that our family is not consumed or infected with this nasty virus.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Easy Breezy Beautiful Chemo Girl
Before I start blogging Im just going to say its 4:45am!! I have been up since 4:15am!! Yuck! I am not sure why, well…its anxiety. Lots of thoughts running through my head so if I slightly wake up my head starts spinning and there I am. I did finally get clearance to get back on the medicine I was on after the diagnosis but I stopped during surgery so tonight I AM TAKING IT! I have a friend that is through her chemo and still uses it. Can you imagine the stress of bills/finances and life and having trouble sleeping and then throw cancer in the mix? YUCK!
But this early time gives me my worship time with God, blog time and I will work before the kids get up. It works out. LOL. I just might need a snooze during the day for a bit.
Okay so I wanted to blog about yesterday. It was a day of up’s and down’s and I can’t wait to share it all.
Yesterday was my appointment with my oncologist. For once, I wasn’t “nervous” about going to an appointment because of how awesome she is and the staff. I am treated like a new patient each time. So I got up yesterday at 5am (yuck) and showered (that always helps in the morning with the tightness in my breasts) and got dressed, had breakfast, cleaned the kitchen (not really, but it looked somewhat better) got the kids off to school, walked Bella to school and then literally came home and crashed on my bed. Whew…what a rush of 3 hours and where did that energy come from? I was selfishly happy that I could it do it, but I am really fearful of what could happen if I over do it. So trust me, when I say clean my kitchen…I was dragging my feet, putting things away, not scrubbing floors by any means. That is what I have a mother and sister for. LOL
Speaking of them…they came over at 9 and we just chatted for awhile. It was nice. I love my mom and sister. We argue like cats and dogs but man, what my world would be like w/out them? Not cool. Anyway my mom stayed and cleaned my house while my sister took me to my doctor’s appointment. As we were driving there, I didn’t think that Dr. Obenchain (my oncologist) would give me a start date for chemo. For now, I just thought that I was checking in to see how my heart test went and if I could have surgery on Monday to get the port placed in. I truly didn’t think I would leave with all the information I did yesterday.
But I did. So here it is. First, let me start by saying that lots of people refer to this one drug in chemo as the “red stuff” or “cool aide” or “red juice”. I am calling him “Big Red”. Big red as I have talked about before is the “bad stuff”. It hits the patient hard, and good. That is what I want. Because I want a drug that will lower my chances to almost zero of cancer coming back, so I can have more time here to enjoy my family. So…Praise God that my heart test came back good, and it can handle “Big Red’. He will be entering my body first.
Once every three weeks for 4 treatments. “Big Red” as I mentioned before doesn’t know the difference between the good and the bad. He just knows the bad but kills the good stuff in between. So, hair loss, fatigue, nausea, and weak immune system comes with it. Some people breeze through “Big Red”. I pray I am one of those, but I also know that God is in control and He will allow my body to handle what I receive. The chemo nurse told me about a week after treatment is when my hair will start falling out. That is when the knot in my stomach formed. Here it is. I have my appointment date which now means that hair loss is really a factor. I’ll talk more about that in a bit.
So, after “Big Red” is done, then I will have a drug called “Taxol”. I will have the same regime. Once every 3 weeks for 4 treatments. Taxol tends to have a bone pain side effect. I have heard good and bad stories about taxol. So…that I will just have to wait and see how my body reacts. Again..Praying easy breezy beautiful chemo girl.
During the Taxol, I will start my 52 week regime of the last drug that I can’t remember the name of. LOL. The reason this drug is so long is because my tumor tested negative to being hormone driven. This drug is easy breezy. My hair will start growing back, Im not as tired and so on. So…that one, I’m not concerned. Its “Big Red” and “Taxol” that I will have to conquer with grace.
After I got my regime, and actually we had to ask 3 or 4 times to repeat it, because it is confusing, my doctor gave me the ok for the port on Monday and then introduced me to the chemo nurse and the chemo room. The nurse is wonderful. The chemo room is….well….a chemo room. They have everything in there for your comfort level, but I still found it “cold”. I imagined walking in and watching lots of women sitting there bald, but actually there was just a man, with hair watching a movie on his little DVD player. There are two rooms. They said I can go in the other room if I wanted. I think I will like that better. It seems different, not sure why. Anyway, I got all my Rx’s, hugged the doctor several times, gave her one of my “I walk with Gabbee” buttons and we were on our way. On my way home to process all of this. Honestly all I was thinking about was my hair. Not anything else. I called my husband and gave him the regime and again just told him how fast my hair loss will be and that was my concern. He will have off on Wednesday which will be my chemo day. I will drop off the kids at school, go get chemo and pick them up. Wow…who would have thought that this 3 year PTA President, Florence Sub, active parent would be one day missing PTA, subbing, active parent (other than email) and heading to Chandler for Chemo? Not me. I still feel like it’s not real, but here it is. I will be getting my hair cut short tonight with my hairdresser. I was going to have her come to my house but I decided I would go to the salon, have my friends there, get the good smelling style stuff, feel beautiful as you always do when you are in a salon and just cry if I need to cry. When Sarah will shave my head…that will be done in the privacy of my own home. That is my plan. My chemo also starts 4 days before Halloween. 3 days before our Big church Hoedown which I really want to be at. I’m really going to try and do my best to be there. If I can’t go trick or treating with my kids, then my sister said we can have a garage party and hand out candy and she will stay with me. If I have to sit in a wheelchair the whole night I will do that. At least I’m sitting in my wheelchair watching my children’s happiness right? Again…just another sacrifice that I am SO BEYOND WILLING TO MAKE.
Anyway, I want to back up a minute. After our appointment I had to stop at Wal-mart for some stuff so we went in and I got a text from my husband telling me that his boss forgot to put his PTO time in his check! GRUGH!!! Which of course made his paycheck smaller than normal. Normally I would scream through text on how could he let this happen, but instead I was pretty calm. Why? Because God has taken care of me this far, and He isn’t just going to stop. We are faithful and He provides. For once, I got it. Im not sure if my husband was surprised but I texted him back and said “my blood just went up but God will provide”. LOL. But here was the cool part. After I texted him, it was time for a facebook check. Of course. And I noticed that one of the teachers at Anthem posted on my wall and told me that next week is Pink week at school and they want to support me. If they want to wear jeans then they have to pay a donation and I will get some of that!! Yay!! You have NO IDEA how much that means to me. When I picked up my kids from school yesterday one of the aides at school was wearing my Team Gabbee shirt. Do you know how good that feels for me? I LOVE IT! So, I called my good friend Scott who made the shirts and put in a rush order for this week. I posted it on Facebook that I put in an order and I have the students that are on my Facebook asking me if they can buy one too so they can wear it!!! Im SOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!
I have subbed at Anthem for 4 years now. I also teach a large chunk of them on Tuesday nights at youth group. I have come to love and adore them in different settings. For them to want to support me, really gives me the reminder that I am loved, I am not forgotten and they want me to get better! That made my day and made my attitude about my husband’s paycheck a lot less attitudeeeee. LOL
So we went home, I worked some and then had Amy and John over for dinner. Now Amy is one of my best friends who were there when I was first diagnosed, cried in her arms, alongside my other Bestie Hope and my other bestie and blood friend…my sister. (My mom was out of town, but would have been there right alongside these girls) These girls have been there from day one. Letting me cry in their arms, letting me scream in madness, allowing me to call them names when I was drugged, taking me to the bathroom, taking my kids to here there and everywhere, cleaning my house, going grocery shopping on and on and on. Now..This isn’t my only support system by far. I have a group of core people that attend to my every need in so many ways, especially when I have exhausted my 4. LOL. I couldn’t do this without any of you. 4 or 5 or 10 or 30. I need each and every one of your gifts that God has given you to use on me!
Okay, I got sidetracked. Anyway, Amy said something to me last week or whenever I don’t really remember that hit me, hit me hard, and has stuck in my head and I will probably replay this comment over and over in my head and I truly think this will give me the motivation to remain who I am through this. She said (not in these exact words, but this is how I heard it) LOL “when I come to your house and see you the way you are, drugged up and laid up I am just so sad and frustrated that you have to go through this, but I will be honest. I miss my friend. I miss Gabbee.” That is all she had to say for me to understand what she meant. Me. Being what everyone loves about me I guess. Bubbly, goofy, outgoing, big mouth Gabbee. One that loves the Lord through thick and thin. One that argues with her husband over the silliest things. One that gets in on the games with the teens each Tuesday night and acts just as young as they do at times. The one with a personality. Not the one laid up in the bed, angry at the world and in pain. That is what that comment meant for me. (Sounds so vain) LOL. But it did. She may not have meant all those good things about me HAHA, but that is how I took it.
So…….with that being said, Amy & John came over last night and we fellowshipped as we have so many times before. I texted earlier that day and said “I want to be normal Gabbee so I am buying a game I think you guys will like to play”. LOL. I bought SLAM by Scrabble. Its fun and not a big mind boggling game. So we ate, laughed, played a few rounds and just hung out. When she left I said “Was I normal?” she laughed and said “Yes, you were.” Mission accomplished. It felt good. Cory and I even cleaned the kitchen after, played another round of SLAM with Isaac and off to bed we went. It was a good day. Some crappy bumps in the day but overall; I really had a good day. Prayer you guys. I kid you not. Its what gives me this attitude. That Jesus is my King. He has not allowed me to fall flat on my face before and he wont do it now. He has allowed me to stumble, by my own choice but He is ALWAYS there to pick me up. What a comfort that is for me. He has supplied me with so many people to be Jesus to me here in my house. To support me whether I have never met you, or it’s a grade school/high school friend, through facebook, through text, through blogs, in my face, not in my face…whatever….He has given this gift of support to me and I couldn’t imagine going through this any other way. Im blessed beyond words. I just have to keep thanking him each day.
I found a new way to wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night. An added extra I should day. This might be weird for some…but I hold my breasts (expanders) whatever…and say “Heal me O Lord”. That is my comfort when they are causing me pain. That is my comfort to reconnect with him over that loss. They have caused me trouble, but I am gaining strength praise God, Praise God. Its all prayers….dont stop. Pretty please. :)
But this early time gives me my worship time with God, blog time and I will work before the kids get up. It works out. LOL. I just might need a snooze during the day for a bit.
Okay so I wanted to blog about yesterday. It was a day of up’s and down’s and I can’t wait to share it all.
Yesterday was my appointment with my oncologist. For once, I wasn’t “nervous” about going to an appointment because of how awesome she is and the staff. I am treated like a new patient each time. So I got up yesterday at 5am (yuck) and showered (that always helps in the morning with the tightness in my breasts) and got dressed, had breakfast, cleaned the kitchen (not really, but it looked somewhat better) got the kids off to school, walked Bella to school and then literally came home and crashed on my bed. Whew…what a rush of 3 hours and where did that energy come from? I was selfishly happy that I could it do it, but I am really fearful of what could happen if I over do it. So trust me, when I say clean my kitchen…I was dragging my feet, putting things away, not scrubbing floors by any means. That is what I have a mother and sister for. LOL
Speaking of them…they came over at 9 and we just chatted for awhile. It was nice. I love my mom and sister. We argue like cats and dogs but man, what my world would be like w/out them? Not cool. Anyway my mom stayed and cleaned my house while my sister took me to my doctor’s appointment. As we were driving there, I didn’t think that Dr. Obenchain (my oncologist) would give me a start date for chemo. For now, I just thought that I was checking in to see how my heart test went and if I could have surgery on Monday to get the port placed in. I truly didn’t think I would leave with all the information I did yesterday.
But I did. So here it is. First, let me start by saying that lots of people refer to this one drug in chemo as the “red stuff” or “cool aide” or “red juice”. I am calling him “Big Red”. Big red as I have talked about before is the “bad stuff”. It hits the patient hard, and good. That is what I want. Because I want a drug that will lower my chances to almost zero of cancer coming back, so I can have more time here to enjoy my family. So…Praise God that my heart test came back good, and it can handle “Big Red’. He will be entering my body first.
Once every three weeks for 4 treatments. “Big Red” as I mentioned before doesn’t know the difference between the good and the bad. He just knows the bad but kills the good stuff in between. So, hair loss, fatigue, nausea, and weak immune system comes with it. Some people breeze through “Big Red”. I pray I am one of those, but I also know that God is in control and He will allow my body to handle what I receive. The chemo nurse told me about a week after treatment is when my hair will start falling out. That is when the knot in my stomach formed. Here it is. I have my appointment date which now means that hair loss is really a factor. I’ll talk more about that in a bit.
So, after “Big Red” is done, then I will have a drug called “Taxol”. I will have the same regime. Once every 3 weeks for 4 treatments. Taxol tends to have a bone pain side effect. I have heard good and bad stories about taxol. So…that I will just have to wait and see how my body reacts. Again..Praying easy breezy beautiful chemo girl.
During the Taxol, I will start my 52 week regime of the last drug that I can’t remember the name of. LOL. The reason this drug is so long is because my tumor tested negative to being hormone driven. This drug is easy breezy. My hair will start growing back, Im not as tired and so on. So…that one, I’m not concerned. Its “Big Red” and “Taxol” that I will have to conquer with grace.
After I got my regime, and actually we had to ask 3 or 4 times to repeat it, because it is confusing, my doctor gave me the ok for the port on Monday and then introduced me to the chemo nurse and the chemo room. The nurse is wonderful. The chemo room is….well….a chemo room. They have everything in there for your comfort level, but I still found it “cold”. I imagined walking in and watching lots of women sitting there bald, but actually there was just a man, with hair watching a movie on his little DVD player. There are two rooms. They said I can go in the other room if I wanted. I think I will like that better. It seems different, not sure why. Anyway, I got all my Rx’s, hugged the doctor several times, gave her one of my “I walk with Gabbee” buttons and we were on our way. On my way home to process all of this. Honestly all I was thinking about was my hair. Not anything else. I called my husband and gave him the regime and again just told him how fast my hair loss will be and that was my concern. He will have off on Wednesday which will be my chemo day. I will drop off the kids at school, go get chemo and pick them up. Wow…who would have thought that this 3 year PTA President, Florence Sub, active parent would be one day missing PTA, subbing, active parent (other than email) and heading to Chandler for Chemo? Not me. I still feel like it’s not real, but here it is. I will be getting my hair cut short tonight with my hairdresser. I was going to have her come to my house but I decided I would go to the salon, have my friends there, get the good smelling style stuff, feel beautiful as you always do when you are in a salon and just cry if I need to cry. When Sarah will shave my head…that will be done in the privacy of my own home. That is my plan. My chemo also starts 4 days before Halloween. 3 days before our Big church Hoedown which I really want to be at. I’m really going to try and do my best to be there. If I can’t go trick or treating with my kids, then my sister said we can have a garage party and hand out candy and she will stay with me. If I have to sit in a wheelchair the whole night I will do that. At least I’m sitting in my wheelchair watching my children’s happiness right? Again…just another sacrifice that I am SO BEYOND WILLING TO MAKE.
Anyway, I want to back up a minute. After our appointment I had to stop at Wal-mart for some stuff so we went in and I got a text from my husband telling me that his boss forgot to put his PTO time in his check! GRUGH!!! Which of course made his paycheck smaller than normal. Normally I would scream through text on how could he let this happen, but instead I was pretty calm. Why? Because God has taken care of me this far, and He isn’t just going to stop. We are faithful and He provides. For once, I got it. Im not sure if my husband was surprised but I texted him back and said “my blood just went up but God will provide”. LOL. But here was the cool part. After I texted him, it was time for a facebook check. Of course. And I noticed that one of the teachers at Anthem posted on my wall and told me that next week is Pink week at school and they want to support me. If they want to wear jeans then they have to pay a donation and I will get some of that!! Yay!! You have NO IDEA how much that means to me. When I picked up my kids from school yesterday one of the aides at school was wearing my Team Gabbee shirt. Do you know how good that feels for me? I LOVE IT! So, I called my good friend Scott who made the shirts and put in a rush order for this week. I posted it on Facebook that I put in an order and I have the students that are on my Facebook asking me if they can buy one too so they can wear it!!! Im SOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!
I have subbed at Anthem for 4 years now. I also teach a large chunk of them on Tuesday nights at youth group. I have come to love and adore them in different settings. For them to want to support me, really gives me the reminder that I am loved, I am not forgotten and they want me to get better! That made my day and made my attitude about my husband’s paycheck a lot less attitudeeeee. LOL
So we went home, I worked some and then had Amy and John over for dinner. Now Amy is one of my best friends who were there when I was first diagnosed, cried in her arms, alongside my other Bestie Hope and my other bestie and blood friend…my sister. (My mom was out of town, but would have been there right alongside these girls) These girls have been there from day one. Letting me cry in their arms, letting me scream in madness, allowing me to call them names when I was drugged, taking me to the bathroom, taking my kids to here there and everywhere, cleaning my house, going grocery shopping on and on and on. Now..This isn’t my only support system by far. I have a group of core people that attend to my every need in so many ways, especially when I have exhausted my 4. LOL. I couldn’t do this without any of you. 4 or 5 or 10 or 30. I need each and every one of your gifts that God has given you to use on me!
Okay, I got sidetracked. Anyway, Amy said something to me last week or whenever I don’t really remember that hit me, hit me hard, and has stuck in my head and I will probably replay this comment over and over in my head and I truly think this will give me the motivation to remain who I am through this. She said (not in these exact words, but this is how I heard it) LOL “when I come to your house and see you the way you are, drugged up and laid up I am just so sad and frustrated that you have to go through this, but I will be honest. I miss my friend. I miss Gabbee.” That is all she had to say for me to understand what she meant. Me. Being what everyone loves about me I guess. Bubbly, goofy, outgoing, big mouth Gabbee. One that loves the Lord through thick and thin. One that argues with her husband over the silliest things. One that gets in on the games with the teens each Tuesday night and acts just as young as they do at times. The one with a personality. Not the one laid up in the bed, angry at the world and in pain. That is what that comment meant for me. (Sounds so vain) LOL. But it did. She may not have meant all those good things about me HAHA, but that is how I took it.
So…….with that being said, Amy & John came over last night and we fellowshipped as we have so many times before. I texted earlier that day and said “I want to be normal Gabbee so I am buying a game I think you guys will like to play”. LOL. I bought SLAM by Scrabble. Its fun and not a big mind boggling game. So we ate, laughed, played a few rounds and just hung out. When she left I said “Was I normal?” she laughed and said “Yes, you were.” Mission accomplished. It felt good. Cory and I even cleaned the kitchen after, played another round of SLAM with Isaac and off to bed we went. It was a good day. Some crappy bumps in the day but overall; I really had a good day. Prayer you guys. I kid you not. Its what gives me this attitude. That Jesus is my King. He has not allowed me to fall flat on my face before and he wont do it now. He has allowed me to stumble, by my own choice but He is ALWAYS there to pick me up. What a comfort that is for me. He has supplied me with so many people to be Jesus to me here in my house. To support me whether I have never met you, or it’s a grade school/high school friend, through facebook, through text, through blogs, in my face, not in my face…whatever….He has given this gift of support to me and I couldn’t imagine going through this any other way. Im blessed beyond words. I just have to keep thanking him each day.
I found a new way to wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night. An added extra I should day. This might be weird for some…but I hold my breasts (expanders) whatever…and say “Heal me O Lord”. That is my comfort when they are causing me pain. That is my comfort to reconnect with him over that loss. They have caused me trouble, but I am gaining strength praise God, Praise God. Its all prayers….dont stop. Pretty please. :)
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Team Gabbee
Thank you to everyone that was a part of Team Gabbee 
We raised over $400 that day on just raffle baskets, shirts, buttons and bracelets. We have not received our donation amount yet for the proceeds from the walk. Thank you so much in advance for your time and dedication to my family!
We raised over $400 that day on just raffle baskets, shirts, buttons and bracelets. We have not received our donation amount yet for the proceeds from the walk. Thank you so much in advance for your time and dedication to my family!
Physical Gabbee
Physical Gabbee UPDATE
When I was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer my mind wouldn’t stop racing of the “when did I get it” and
“How did I get it.” I thought, was it all the soda I drank, not breastfeeding, the food I ate, having mastitis after I had Bella, the wrong bra, on and on and on. I couldn’t stop thinking of why I got it. Especially after it is not hormone driven, I do not carry the gene AND I have no family history. Where did it come from? This I will probably never know.
After the incident on Thursday which was by far the worse situation I have ever dealt with, I never in my life experienced such pain. I thought I was going to explode. Well..Just my breast. Debbie Jones who is basically my personal FREE bedside RN was with me said “Gabbee, in all of my years of nursing I have never seen anything so bizarre as that day”. I literally sat in my doctor’s office and watched my breast grow. To at least a full size D. I kid you not. Filling up with blood and tightening my chest wall muscle. Pulling it further than I can handle and straining my back muscle that was already pulled out. I couldn’t take a deep breath. I could take small breaths just to make sure I was still breathing. When we drove immediately to Dr. Admire’s office he was in surgery so his nurse took me right back, opened up my shirt and immediately went into emergency mode. She wrapped me as tight as she could. I couldn’t even cry because it hurt to move my chest and I kept asking “Crystal, what is going on” and all I remember is her saying to her assistant “Call Dr. Admire on his cell phone from my cell phone” and I kept saying “Crystal, please tell me what’s going on” and finally she said “Gabbee I’m not a doctor, but I think you have a bleed”. I could have and probably should have fainted at that moment but I didn’t. I went into this “I have two kids mode and I refuse to let this take control of me.” Debbie said “Gabbee, I will be honest; you were a true trooper in an emergency situation”. HaHa…I didn’t feel that way, but I did feel like I held it somewhat together, although everyone around me probably thought I was a big baby. After she wrapped me and wrapped and wrapped me some more we head over to the Piper Surgery Center so Dr. Admire can take a look. He was in the middle of surgery or just finishing up. This was all a God thing. Not my hematoma of course, but the way it played out. Being in Scottsdale, being with Debbie (an RN), being so close to the hospital AND having Dr. Admire bring me back right away. If my muscle was going to tear, this was the perfect day and time. Thank you God for orchestrating that.
I get to the hospital, met my husband there, went back immediately in pre-op, everyone got scrubbed up and before you knew it I was awake hearing these words “Gabbee, you tore your muscle, I cleaned out 120cc’s of blood and put a new expander in.” Of course my response all drugged up just said “ok I want my husband.” Now…here is what I found out that will explain the excruating pain I felt on Thursday night and Friday. My muscle was obviously stretched more than I expected. Dr. Admire couldn’t allow that muscle to go back down to the original size it was before it tore so he filled me up (not to the full size) but enough that the muscle would stay somewhat stretched. Therefore I was sore from the fill, the surgery, the trauma and my back. Ugh, what a disaster. Am I uneven now? Yup I sure am. But I pray that when this is all said and done, I will be beautiful in that area, regardless of all this physical drama, stitches and scars.
This morning I woke up sore and stood in the shower for about 20 minutes or so. As I was washing myself I thought…what did I do to tear this muscle. Was it just the fill? Was it because I shaved my armpits, stretched my arms and washed my hair, walked Bella to school the day before, got into a fight with my husband and expanding my lungs so much that it tore a muscle (I yell loud), lifted the ice tea bottle when it was over my weight limit? I thought of everything. And here I was again. Guessing why this happened. I have no reason. I do think I was over filled but why in that breast and not the other? Dr. Admire said in his experience of 400 surgeries, he has never had this happen. So why? What did I do or what could I have done to prevent it if anything? I finally got out of the shower and just put it behind me. Of course I’m still wondering but I refuse to let that consume me. I am super duper careful and if anyone says I’m milking it, my response is “you’re right, I am milking it” I will not lift anything I know I shouldn’t be, I will not help when I know I shouldn’t be. I will not get in that situation again and I will make sure that I am doing everything on my end to not get there.
So where am I physically? Tired, sore chest, sore back but I’m easing off the pain meds other than over the counter ones. I do take valium still for the spasms, but for the most part, I’m healing each day. I lost focus. I mean….God and I. We lost touch this past week. My strength was weak; my faith was weak, my spirit was weak. I am aware of that, and I know what I have to do. For me, God is my strength. I need a good cry out to Him and to get back in focus with Him. I started to rely on my own strength and it’s not working. I’m finding myself angry, depressed and very sad. This isn’t how I want to be. I will continue my blog on “Spiritual Gabbee” later because I want the world to know. But for now, here was the update on “Physical Gabbee”.
Thank you for your prayers. Keep them coming. It’s not over yet.
When I was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer my mind wouldn’t stop racing of the “when did I get it” and
“How did I get it.” I thought, was it all the soda I drank, not breastfeeding, the food I ate, having mastitis after I had Bella, the wrong bra, on and on and on. I couldn’t stop thinking of why I got it. Especially after it is not hormone driven, I do not carry the gene AND I have no family history. Where did it come from? This I will probably never know.
After the incident on Thursday which was by far the worse situation I have ever dealt with, I never in my life experienced such pain. I thought I was going to explode. Well..Just my breast. Debbie Jones who is basically my personal FREE bedside RN was with me said “Gabbee, in all of my years of nursing I have never seen anything so bizarre as that day”. I literally sat in my doctor’s office and watched my breast grow. To at least a full size D. I kid you not. Filling up with blood and tightening my chest wall muscle. Pulling it further than I can handle and straining my back muscle that was already pulled out. I couldn’t take a deep breath. I could take small breaths just to make sure I was still breathing. When we drove immediately to Dr. Admire’s office he was in surgery so his nurse took me right back, opened up my shirt and immediately went into emergency mode. She wrapped me as tight as she could. I couldn’t even cry because it hurt to move my chest and I kept asking “Crystal, what is going on” and all I remember is her saying to her assistant “Call Dr. Admire on his cell phone from my cell phone” and I kept saying “Crystal, please tell me what’s going on” and finally she said “Gabbee I’m not a doctor, but I think you have a bleed”. I could have and probably should have fainted at that moment but I didn’t. I went into this “I have two kids mode and I refuse to let this take control of me.” Debbie said “Gabbee, I will be honest; you were a true trooper in an emergency situation”. HaHa…I didn’t feel that way, but I did feel like I held it somewhat together, although everyone around me probably thought I was a big baby. After she wrapped me and wrapped and wrapped me some more we head over to the Piper Surgery Center so Dr. Admire can take a look. He was in the middle of surgery or just finishing up. This was all a God thing. Not my hematoma of course, but the way it played out. Being in Scottsdale, being with Debbie (an RN), being so close to the hospital AND having Dr. Admire bring me back right away. If my muscle was going to tear, this was the perfect day and time. Thank you God for orchestrating that.
I get to the hospital, met my husband there, went back immediately in pre-op, everyone got scrubbed up and before you knew it I was awake hearing these words “Gabbee, you tore your muscle, I cleaned out 120cc’s of blood and put a new expander in.” Of course my response all drugged up just said “ok I want my husband.” Now…here is what I found out that will explain the excruating pain I felt on Thursday night and Friday. My muscle was obviously stretched more than I expected. Dr. Admire couldn’t allow that muscle to go back down to the original size it was before it tore so he filled me up (not to the full size) but enough that the muscle would stay somewhat stretched. Therefore I was sore from the fill, the surgery, the trauma and my back. Ugh, what a disaster. Am I uneven now? Yup I sure am. But I pray that when this is all said and done, I will be beautiful in that area, regardless of all this physical drama, stitches and scars.
This morning I woke up sore and stood in the shower for about 20 minutes or so. As I was washing myself I thought…what did I do to tear this muscle. Was it just the fill? Was it because I shaved my armpits, stretched my arms and washed my hair, walked Bella to school the day before, got into a fight with my husband and expanding my lungs so much that it tore a muscle (I yell loud), lifted the ice tea bottle when it was over my weight limit? I thought of everything. And here I was again. Guessing why this happened. I have no reason. I do think I was over filled but why in that breast and not the other? Dr. Admire said in his experience of 400 surgeries, he has never had this happen. So why? What did I do or what could I have done to prevent it if anything? I finally got out of the shower and just put it behind me. Of course I’m still wondering but I refuse to let that consume me. I am super duper careful and if anyone says I’m milking it, my response is “you’re right, I am milking it” I will not lift anything I know I shouldn’t be, I will not help when I know I shouldn’t be. I will not get in that situation again and I will make sure that I am doing everything on my end to not get there.
So where am I physically? Tired, sore chest, sore back but I’m easing off the pain meds other than over the counter ones. I do take valium still for the spasms, but for the most part, I’m healing each day. I lost focus. I mean….God and I. We lost touch this past week. My strength was weak; my faith was weak, my spirit was weak. I am aware of that, and I know what I have to do. For me, God is my strength. I need a good cry out to Him and to get back in focus with Him. I started to rely on my own strength and it’s not working. I’m finding myself angry, depressed and very sad. This isn’t how I want to be. I will continue my blog on “Spiritual Gabbee” later because I want the world to know. But for now, here was the update on “Physical Gabbee”.
Thank you for your prayers. Keep them coming. It’s not over yet.
Monday, October 11, 2010
The Heaviest Heart
My heart is probably the heaviest it has been since the day I heard “you have cancer”. All this time, my kids have been troopers. Going along with everything. Adjusting to people in and out of the home, cooking dinner, visitors, caretakers and so on. Every now and then I will check in with them and ask how they are doing and if they have any questions but most of the time I hit a dead end. Until tonight.
Thursday as you know set us back and gave us a road that we weren’t prepared to go down. I think that threw the kids for a loop. Because of this irritating setback, I am now back in bed resting and trying to heal. It’s a lot longer than we told the kids and therefore the questions start.
Today Isaac came home from school and I could see it on his face that he is just struggling. So I asked him “Isaac, do you miss mommy being normal” “yes, I just wish you were back to the way you used to be” as tears filled his eyes. It literally took every ounce of muscle to gain control of my tears and be strong for him. I told him that this was unexpected and wasn’t in our plans, and that I am trying my best to heal as fast as I can. I asked him what kinds of things he misses. He said “going to the beach and eating at San Tan Flats” LOL….My precious boy I just love him so much. I wish that it wasn’t this way.
After that I got up and did my very best to be out in the living room area where the kids were. I was nauseous, in pain and I just wanted to lay down. I went to the dinner table and sat down and literally laid my head on the table. I tried so hard to be “there” but of course my body was, but my mind isn’t. I bought play dough so we did some of that and we had good times. We had a competition of who can make the best spider and the kids asked if we could post it on Facebook for people to vote. LOL so we did.
After that, we went in my room and had our prayer time as we always do. We usually ask who wants to pray and Isaac raised his hand. “Lord, thank you for this day, thank you for my family and friends. Thank you for this night. Lord forgive us for our sins even if we don’t know that we sinned. Lord please make my mom feel better and help me not be distracted at school when she is at her doctors appointments. Amen”. Once again, I tried and my eyes filled up but I gained control. Then Bella comes to me and says “mom, I daydream” so I asked about what and she said “I daydream that your going to die” I grabbed her and hugged her so tight and told her over and over again that Im doing my very best to get better and that I have to go through this to get better. Bella cried and cried saying that she thinks about me all the time at school and she tries hard to concentrate. Isaac says he thinks about me most when I am at the doctor’s appointments.
Ill be honest, I want to give up so bad. I want to tell the doctors to take these ugly expanders out and leave me alone. I want to sew up my chest and never go to another appointment again. I want so bad to give up. I want my kids to feel normalcy. I want them to never have to “daydream” about me dying or what is happening at my appointments. Its not fair. I knew I was strong but I feel weak. I am so anxious about my doctors appointment tomorrow because Thursday was by far the most dramatic event I have ever faced. I don’t want to go near that place or relive that day again.
Im pleading for prayer. I need it, my family needs and my body needs it. If you can give anything at this moment, I ask that you commit to praying for complete healing and peace In my family.
Thursday as you know set us back and gave us a road that we weren’t prepared to go down. I think that threw the kids for a loop. Because of this irritating setback, I am now back in bed resting and trying to heal. It’s a lot longer than we told the kids and therefore the questions start.
Today Isaac came home from school and I could see it on his face that he is just struggling. So I asked him “Isaac, do you miss mommy being normal” “yes, I just wish you were back to the way you used to be” as tears filled his eyes. It literally took every ounce of muscle to gain control of my tears and be strong for him. I told him that this was unexpected and wasn’t in our plans, and that I am trying my best to heal as fast as I can. I asked him what kinds of things he misses. He said “going to the beach and eating at San Tan Flats” LOL….My precious boy I just love him so much. I wish that it wasn’t this way.
After that I got up and did my very best to be out in the living room area where the kids were. I was nauseous, in pain and I just wanted to lay down. I went to the dinner table and sat down and literally laid my head on the table. I tried so hard to be “there” but of course my body was, but my mind isn’t. I bought play dough so we did some of that and we had good times. We had a competition of who can make the best spider and the kids asked if we could post it on Facebook for people to vote. LOL so we did.
After that, we went in my room and had our prayer time as we always do. We usually ask who wants to pray and Isaac raised his hand. “Lord, thank you for this day, thank you for my family and friends. Thank you for this night. Lord forgive us for our sins even if we don’t know that we sinned. Lord please make my mom feel better and help me not be distracted at school when she is at her doctors appointments. Amen”. Once again, I tried and my eyes filled up but I gained control. Then Bella comes to me and says “mom, I daydream” so I asked about what and she said “I daydream that your going to die” I grabbed her and hugged her so tight and told her over and over again that Im doing my very best to get better and that I have to go through this to get better. Bella cried and cried saying that she thinks about me all the time at school and she tries hard to concentrate. Isaac says he thinks about me most when I am at the doctor’s appointments.
Ill be honest, I want to give up so bad. I want to tell the doctors to take these ugly expanders out and leave me alone. I want to sew up my chest and never go to another appointment again. I want so bad to give up. I want my kids to feel normalcy. I want them to never have to “daydream” about me dying or what is happening at my appointments. Its not fair. I knew I was strong but I feel weak. I am so anxious about my doctors appointment tomorrow because Thursday was by far the most dramatic event I have ever faced. I don’t want to go near that place or relive that day again.
Im pleading for prayer. I need it, my family needs and my body needs it. If you can give anything at this moment, I ask that you commit to praying for complete healing and peace In my family.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Emergency Surgery
Hello All, Lisette here again and going to update you.
Well Wednesday after Gabbee’s fill at Dr. Admire’s Office it usually set’s her back a few days so she came home to rest. Only thing she did do is rest and have dinner with her family. I don’t know the details of what happened during the evening but I received a phone call at 6:30am from my sister crying saying “she had a rough night and is in a lot of pain, she feels like a rib popped out in her back. I was suppose to take her to her PCP but needed to be back home by 1pm so she was nervous the doctor may send her to a chiropractor or something and she didn’t want me to be stuck. So I arranged for Debbie Jones to take her to her PCP at 10:00 am in Scottsdale.
So I will tell you my side of story then add Gabbee’s in so you can follow along. I was at home reading my book when my phone rang and it was Gabbee around 11:30 and this is all she said to me “ My breast exploded and they are taking me to piper surgery center to do emergency surgery, please take care of my kids, Cory is on his way to piper, someone will call you with more details. Bye!” Okay everyone so my mouth drops and my head starts spinning, what do I do 1st, who do I call and I am pacing back and forth. Finally I get it together and contacted Hope to take care of the kids contacted my Mom who is in NY for a wedding, my Dad, my brother and Amy. Then I jumped in the shower and planned to head to Scottsdale but before I could do that I looked in the mirror and thought, Wow, what the heck is going on and then I prayed and asked God to please protect my sister and then of course I cried like a big baby!
Debbie contacted me from the surgery center and said “Oh my gosh Lisette you can’t believe what I witnessed. We were sitting at the PCP office and Gabbee turns to me and says Debbie I don’t feel right, Gabbee say’s my right breast looks like it is growing. Debbie said no Gabbee and then before Debbie’s eyes Gabbee’s right breast started to expanded instantly. Debbie said “Lisette if I did not see it with my own eyes I would not have believed it.” Her breast blew up to a size D for sure, she showed me a picture.
So during my ride to Scottsdale I being kept informed by Cory letting me know she went into surgery at 1pm and at 2:30 pm she was still in there. I was nervous because I thought why she is in surgery so long what is happening. So I arrive at the center and my brother is already there waiting to talk to a nurse. The nurse comes out and say’s Gabbee is doing well and should be ready in about 15min to go home. Me and my brother are like WHAT! She is still in surgery, isn’t she? The nurse say’s she was out of surgery at 1:45 pm, didn’t Dr. Admire come and talk to you? Umm, NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes that is me having attitude with the nurse, sorry guys but I am pissed! So the nurse say’s let me find out more info. So she comes back and proceeds to tell us that Dr. Admire could not find her husband (who was sitting on the patio – bc the waiting room was full, which is visible thru the glass windows) he came out to check a few times and tried calling but had wrong #. Dr. Admire has left. Okay my response “Oh no this is not going to fly”, my brother’s response “WHAT, I want to talk to the Hospital Administrator”! LOL
Okay so after all that Dr. Admire calls Cory and say’s “torn muscles and tissue caused by either Gabbee overdoing it or her being overfilled yesterday”. Hmm lemme think, you donut hole it was because she was overfilled and yesterday you gave her clearance that she had no restrictions and could drive, do yoga and could have been doing this for some time now. Urgh! So basically she bled into her chest cavity, 120cc of blood in the right breast (which is why it blew up). So Dr. Admire went in cleaned it all out again and replaced the expander, stitched her back up, wrapped her up and sent her home.
Gabbee has come so far in the last few weeks and now she is right back where she was after her mastectomy but worse. She is in extreme pain, having a hard time breathing and moving. This is worse! This also puts back her chemo 4 weeks but we will find that out for sure next week. Gabbee has told me she is not getting any more fills done; she does not want to have to ever go through this again!
I ask for everyone to pray her recovery is a quick one so we can start the next chapter of her journey!
Tomorrow is Del Web “Goes Pink” Breast Cancer Walk and Gabbee is super sad she won’t be able to be there but would like to send out “Thank You’s” to all who will be walking on Team Gabbee. She is going to do her best to maybe come out for an hour or so, we will see. I will be manning her “TEAM GABBEE FUNDRAISER” Table we will have buttons, bracelets, t-shirts for sale. 3 baskets to raffle off and 1 Golf Package to raffle off. This fundraiser is helping Gabbee and her family with medical bills, loss of income and so much more! Your continued support is always appreciated and will continue to be!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Why Oh Why?
Well not much of excitement here. I am getting better from my cold/allergy ordeal. I go to my PCP tomorrow so I hope she can take another look and just make sure that an infection has not started. Today I got a fill at Dr. Admire’s office. I only did 90cc’s today as opposed to 120cc’s. Each breast…let me remind you. They started with 60cc’s and then asked me if I could take anymore. I had to be a little tough so I said “Okay, I can do 30 more” LOL….It’s painful and uncomfortable. And the thing that is most annoying is that when you just start feeling better, you go in for another fill which sets you back a bit. As they fill the expander, the muscle stretches even more. GRUGH…..and today I either moved a certain way that I wasn’t supposed to or a nerve was pinched, I don’t know but I did something to my back on my right side. Cory tried rubbing it out, but couldn’t touch it w/out my back rejecting automatically his touch. My PCP can feel around tomorrow to see what I did.
I noticed something today. It’s kind of funny but I wanted to blog about it. I am not sure how I feel about it, but I’m trying not to spend too much energy thinking about it either. As I started to feel better, I wanted to spend more time with the kids and one of the ways I can do that is walking the kids to school. Usually Isaac rides his bike to school and so it gives me special time with Bella. Plus it’s cooler outside. That helps. But with walking Bella to school comes face to face communication with people. Sometimes I am ok to do it, but sometimes I just want to walk in, get the kids and go back home. I hate to be rude and so I will conversate (gabbee’s word) as long as I can.
So this afternoon as I picked up Bella, and talking to people on the way there and home, I come to realize that, yes people knew that I had breast cancer, but when I have a “breast profile” IM not sure how much they really know, or if I am recovering from surgery. Some people ask “you look sore” and I can’t find an easy way to say “well, these are fake, and I just got 90cc’s put in today so yup I’m a little sore”. I don’t think everyone knows that I had a double mastectomy. Especially when I walk in with boobs. It’s kind of funny, but hard to communicate. If you ask me how I feel and I can barely walk straight, I’m going to have to tell you why I am hunching over the way I am. So…incase you are just reading now, I had a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery at the same time. I have expanders in, until I am stretched at my goal and then I will have the implants in when I can. (Depending on chemo)
Chemo…Oh yes…that is still a reality. That is the other thing. So….people see me, see that I have breasts, they know I’m “clean” and now they hear that I am waiting on chemo. However I look fine…cancer is out..So why chemo? Well, please know that it’s so much bigger than a “preventative” medicine at this point. Yes, it is preventative but when you hear that your tumor was aggressive in just the short time you had it, AND you have no history in your family chemo is something that will lower my chances of cancer coming back. Now…are the doctors certain that the cancer is out? Tiny cells floating around? Maybe not. Maybe so. However chemo will grab that and kill it so it can’t even think about starting in another area. Oh man…my head is spinning because of all the reasons chemo is needed in my situation. Yes, I am cancer free (technically), yes I have new boobs but I’m not in the clear yet. I have a LONG LONG road ahead and could use all the support I can get. I have some of the BEST doctors working on me and I truly know that God has put them in my life to kick this cancer out for good. I want many many more years with my family. So there is my ranting for tonight. I just felt kind of disappointed today and I guess had to get it out there. I believe in medicine. I do. It sucks, but as I will start referring to my chemo as “big red” I know for every hair strand that falls out and every time my body is fatigued from losing the healthy cells, I know that “big red” is doing his job. Poor guy just can’t tell the difference between good and bad. But until then, I will take the fact that “Big red” is good at killing the bad. I’ll take the hair lose and fatigue and any sickness that comes with it to make sure that cancer is not in my everyday vocabulary.
Nighty Night All.
I noticed something today. It’s kind of funny but I wanted to blog about it. I am not sure how I feel about it, but I’m trying not to spend too much energy thinking about it either. As I started to feel better, I wanted to spend more time with the kids and one of the ways I can do that is walking the kids to school. Usually Isaac rides his bike to school and so it gives me special time with Bella. Plus it’s cooler outside. That helps. But with walking Bella to school comes face to face communication with people. Sometimes I am ok to do it, but sometimes I just want to walk in, get the kids and go back home. I hate to be rude and so I will conversate (gabbee’s word) as long as I can.
So this afternoon as I picked up Bella, and talking to people on the way there and home, I come to realize that, yes people knew that I had breast cancer, but when I have a “breast profile” IM not sure how much they really know, or if I am recovering from surgery. Some people ask “you look sore” and I can’t find an easy way to say “well, these are fake, and I just got 90cc’s put in today so yup I’m a little sore”. I don’t think everyone knows that I had a double mastectomy. Especially when I walk in with boobs. It’s kind of funny, but hard to communicate. If you ask me how I feel and I can barely walk straight, I’m going to have to tell you why I am hunching over the way I am. So…incase you are just reading now, I had a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery at the same time. I have expanders in, until I am stretched at my goal and then I will have the implants in when I can. (Depending on chemo)
Chemo…Oh yes…that is still a reality. That is the other thing. So….people see me, see that I have breasts, they know I’m “clean” and now they hear that I am waiting on chemo. However I look fine…cancer is out..So why chemo? Well, please know that it’s so much bigger than a “preventative” medicine at this point. Yes, it is preventative but when you hear that your tumor was aggressive in just the short time you had it, AND you have no history in your family chemo is something that will lower my chances of cancer coming back. Now…are the doctors certain that the cancer is out? Tiny cells floating around? Maybe not. Maybe so. However chemo will grab that and kill it so it can’t even think about starting in another area. Oh man…my head is spinning because of all the reasons chemo is needed in my situation. Yes, I am cancer free (technically), yes I have new boobs but I’m not in the clear yet. I have a LONG LONG road ahead and could use all the support I can get. I have some of the BEST doctors working on me and I truly know that God has put them in my life to kick this cancer out for good. I want many many more years with my family. So there is my ranting for tonight. I just felt kind of disappointed today and I guess had to get it out there. I believe in medicine. I do. It sucks, but as I will start referring to my chemo as “big red” I know for every hair strand that falls out and every time my body is fatigued from losing the healthy cells, I know that “big red” is doing his job. Poor guy just can’t tell the difference between good and bad. But until then, I will take the fact that “Big red” is good at killing the bad. I’ll take the hair lose and fatigue and any sickness that comes with it to make sure that cancer is not in my everyday vocabulary.
Nighty Night All.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Just a Cold
So I woke up at 3am last night feeling like I was swallowing fire. My throat was SO SORE and yes on fire! Cory gave me meds, water and a throat lozenge. Usually a typical person would curl up and hide under the covers from feeling so crappy but when you can’t sleep on your side, you just have to bear with it and lay back, well kind of lying back except sitting up. Cory reassured me that my PCP doc is this week and we can find out what’s going on. It just reminded me how many doctor’s appointments we have and people poking at me. I do not look forward to getting my fill on Wednesday. I just want people to leave my breasts alone and I want to sleep on my side. Cory laughed and said “Hunny, you have a long road ahead, you need to get used to people poking and prodding around”. Grugh he is right and I hate it! LOL
So today I just did a little sanitizing to make me feel better and then crashed on my bed. Cory called and suggested the Urgent Care since my PCP appointment isn’t till Thursday. So my mom took me and off we went. Thank God I don’t have an infection. He just said lots of nasal drip from allergies to continue on my allergy medicine and it’ll get better. Ugh, but again, I don’t want to be taking antibiotics for infections at this time. I really want my body to be strong before chemo. I am on a schedule and I don’t have much time before chemo starts.
This leads me to this thought that continues to run rapid in my head. My hair. I want to cut it shorter than it is now. I want to kind of transition into my loss of hair. I will cut it short, then after the first treatment, I’ll shave it. Just the thought of cutting it short makes me want to cry. I always think I’m getting stronger but it really hasn’t gone into reality yet so when I have to make an appointment to cut my hair, it becomes more real to me. I won’t have a long time before I have to shave it, but I do want a cute cut. I do have a GREAT hairdresser so I am not worried about looking cute, but ahhhh, shorter than my length now is short for me.
Anyway, I am just pondering, working and resting in my bed today. Tomorrow Cory is off. I hope we can just chill and enjoy the quiet house on his day off, but I have 3 appointments to get done in 2 weeks so I wouldn’t be surprised if I get a phone call later on, and our day off becomes another day of doctors appointments. I hope not. I could really use tomorrow.
So today I just did a little sanitizing to make me feel better and then crashed on my bed. Cory called and suggested the Urgent Care since my PCP appointment isn’t till Thursday. So my mom took me and off we went. Thank God I don’t have an infection. He just said lots of nasal drip from allergies to continue on my allergy medicine and it’ll get better. Ugh, but again, I don’t want to be taking antibiotics for infections at this time. I really want my body to be strong before chemo. I am on a schedule and I don’t have much time before chemo starts.
This leads me to this thought that continues to run rapid in my head. My hair. I want to cut it shorter than it is now. I want to kind of transition into my loss of hair. I will cut it short, then after the first treatment, I’ll shave it. Just the thought of cutting it short makes me want to cry. I always think I’m getting stronger but it really hasn’t gone into reality yet so when I have to make an appointment to cut my hair, it becomes more real to me. I won’t have a long time before I have to shave it, but I do want a cute cut. I do have a GREAT hairdresser so I am not worried about looking cute, but ahhhh, shorter than my length now is short for me.
Anyway, I am just pondering, working and resting in my bed today. Tomorrow Cory is off. I hope we can just chill and enjoy the quiet house on his day off, but I have 3 appointments to get done in 2 weeks so I wouldn’t be surprised if I get a phone call later on, and our day off becomes another day of doctors appointments. I hope not. I could really use tomorrow.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Prayer Request
I haven’t blogged since Thursday. I had a few comments about that. I’m happy that people notice. LOL. It reminds me that the blog is worth something to others and not just me.
These past few days have been emotional I guess. Wednesday and Thursday were big days for me. An expander fill and my oncology appointment set me back emotionally & physically for a couple of days. Just feeling “blue” or “melancholy”. That is normal and I refuse to try and be someone I am not each day. I will allow my emotions to come out and do their thing. Just not too much. LOL…
I’m going to be honest, because this is why I have this blog, but this weekend was hard. And with a friend texting me and walking me through it I have come to realize that I need to be more aware of my marriage and the damage that can be done by all of this. I have had SO many blessings this past week. Actually the last 9 weeks have been overloaded by blessings. I do believe that Satan hates that. I believe that he has hit a barricade which is awesome! However my marriage is freely open. To be attacked I mean. The stress of cancer can put a toll on me, my husband, my kids and the household. Schedules, works, homework, school, doctor’s visits, no time off, bills, pain, emotions and so much more can really make me grumpy as well as Cory. We aren’t perfect and we make mistakes, but it’s so scary sometimes when we do. Because if we aren’t strong in our marriage, then this can truly tear us apart. I’m not saying that we are struggling but we did have a rocky weekend. Stress levels hit a high and who do we go after? Our spouse of course. Any type of disturbance like that for me puts me in a state of mind that isn’t where I want to be. I am not a fighter during those times. I feel weak. I’m sure Cory feels the same. God is doing wonderful things through this trial of ours. I am in WONDERFUL hands with doctors, and I have hundreds of prayers going out for me for my health..But Cory and I can easily get lost in the midst. So…I am asking that you pray for us. Pray that this continues to make us stronger. Pray that God gives us each the strength to not only deal with cancer, but to still honor each other, love each other and to have the time and energy for each other. The kids too. When I’m short, Cory is short therefore the kids get the crappy end of it. It’s just stressful overall and we have so many prayers but I wanted to lift that one up specifically. I need Cory. He is my rock through this. He has become a Co-Cancer Patient. LOL..Being my caregiver probably isn’t easy. And as school starts back up tomorrow after fall break, it’s going to get a tad bit more edgy in our home due to school/homework and outside activities. Just pray for my family. Pray that Satan has no chance to even cause a hiccup in the Bagby Household.
These past few days have been emotional I guess. Wednesday and Thursday were big days for me. An expander fill and my oncology appointment set me back emotionally & physically for a couple of days. Just feeling “blue” or “melancholy”. That is normal and I refuse to try and be someone I am not each day. I will allow my emotions to come out and do their thing. Just not too much. LOL…
I’m going to be honest, because this is why I have this blog, but this weekend was hard. And with a friend texting me and walking me through it I have come to realize that I need to be more aware of my marriage and the damage that can be done by all of this. I have had SO many blessings this past week. Actually the last 9 weeks have been overloaded by blessings. I do believe that Satan hates that. I believe that he has hit a barricade which is awesome! However my marriage is freely open. To be attacked I mean. The stress of cancer can put a toll on me, my husband, my kids and the household. Schedules, works, homework, school, doctor’s visits, no time off, bills, pain, emotions and so much more can really make me grumpy as well as Cory. We aren’t perfect and we make mistakes, but it’s so scary sometimes when we do. Because if we aren’t strong in our marriage, then this can truly tear us apart. I’m not saying that we are struggling but we did have a rocky weekend. Stress levels hit a high and who do we go after? Our spouse of course. Any type of disturbance like that for me puts me in a state of mind that isn’t where I want to be. I am not a fighter during those times. I feel weak. I’m sure Cory feels the same. God is doing wonderful things through this trial of ours. I am in WONDERFUL hands with doctors, and I have hundreds of prayers going out for me for my health..But Cory and I can easily get lost in the midst. So…I am asking that you pray for us. Pray that this continues to make us stronger. Pray that God gives us each the strength to not only deal with cancer, but to still honor each other, love each other and to have the time and energy for each other. The kids too. When I’m short, Cory is short therefore the kids get the crappy end of it. It’s just stressful overall and we have so many prayers but I wanted to lift that one up specifically. I need Cory. He is my rock through this. He has become a Co-Cancer Patient. LOL..Being my caregiver probably isn’t easy. And as school starts back up tomorrow after fall break, it’s going to get a tad bit more edgy in our home due to school/homework and outside activities. Just pray for my family. Pray that Satan has no chance to even cause a hiccup in the Bagby Household.
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