Can you believe for the first time since my diagnosis (2 months & 10 days) I feel angry? Not angry with God but angry that this disease has interfered with one of my passions that defines my identity. Ministry. Today was such a blessing for me, but it reminded me of how limited I am, and it drives me CRAZY with frustration that I can’t be what God intended me to be. He is using me in a way I never thought and today I had a hard time getting used to it. I crave full time ministry and I just feel like everything is still moving and Im at a standstill. Ministry is happening and I am so out of the loop. Im angry that I can’t function the way I used to and my life is so unknown. I am angry that I can’t set up with my church family, be part of our first Harvest Hoedown Outreach on Saturday or see my Jr. Highers every Tuesday. I see that maybe this might be a benefit to fight even harder, however I don’t know my reactions to the chemo but I hope my slogan truly represents me during chemo.
“Easy breezy beautiful CHEMO girl”
Today was awesome. Even through my frustrations, I still glorified Him and Thanked Him for giving me the blessing. Today I served communion to my church family. I LOVE having that opportunity and it reminds me how much I want to continue on in ministry and go all the way to ordination. It just reminds me of why God created me. This defines me. My diagnosis does not. God is my identity. Not Cancer.
After serving communion and receiving the message that Pastor Kevin preached, I was blessed to be part of the team to be up front being able to be serve our church family in their need and in the time of surrounding their life to God. Making Him LORD of their life. God used me today with one of our members and gave me the opportunity to pray with her. I love that God uses my past and my family history to relate to others. I am so thankful and I rejoice in that.
After the service was over, Pastor Dee hugged me and said “Girl, God is using YOU” & I couldn’t help but smile and say YES! Sometimes I am being used just by my blog and inspiring others, but at times I don’t even know I am. I will get messages and at times it’s so hard for me to believe that I even do that. People tell me how much I am a light and how I inspire them to trust God and how encouraging it is to see that I still seek God through all this rather than turn in anger. I shake my head in disbelief because it’s hard for me to believe. I’m not sure why. Maybe God has humbled me in ways that I can’t see. I don’t want to be vain and say “I know, of course I am inspiring” LOL I rather respond and say “Wow really? Good I’m glad that God has used me to touch you.”
Even through inspiring others through my blog I LOVE to SEE how I can witness to others in person too. Yes through cancer and my faith but in prayer, through teaching my Jr. Highers how much God loves them and to inspire them to live their life for God. Seeing a change in them, seeing them grow and crave His love. I long for that. It’s my desire. I really think that is where my anger comes in. I don’t have time for cancer. I have work to do, BUT I know that God has a plan and right now my focus on helping others has changed a bit. Who knows what can come out of this?
Regardless of all my emotions I won't be crushed or broken. In 3 days I start my first treatment of a drug that I never imagined I would endure. Chemo. I have to laugh when I think of it, because it’s SO BEYOND MY plan. LOL. Sometimes when I talk about it I still shake my head in disbelief. Now when I come to church, It’s not the normal “Good morning” its “Great, you’re here, you made it, Im glad to see you.” My presence isn’t just expected. There is hope but it’s not guaranteed. I will do my very best to be at the upcoming events because it fills me up. Interacting with others, meeting new people, meeting new families and staying in touch with the youth group is part of me.
I have a purpose. To have a contagious relationship that others want. I hope to fulfill that in my lifetime to many. Whether it is through cancer or not. I just have to remember that this is part of my new journey that God needs me to finish out. It’s a struggle today, but by faith I will move on tomorrow.