I almost didn't want to blog today because I don't want to go through my day once again but here I am desiring to do so. What a disaster it was. From the moment I woke up, tears were falling down, till moments ago, they still fall. I am finally admitting that I need emotional support. I don't even know from who or what I need to hear, but I need it.
I woke up feeling extremly anxious today. Normal on the day of chemo as you are trying to prepare your mind and body to feel the effects of chemo but today was different. As many of you know, Elisabeth Edwards died yesterday from cancer. Started out as breast cancer and came back to a point of no control. All this time, I have shielded myself from those type of stories and only concentrated on survivor stories. Hearing that and seeing it all over my MSN page, wasn't a good fit the day before chemo. I believe this emotional rollercoaster started then.
Later on in the evening I realized that I had a stack of "To Do" papers that have dissapeared. Gone. No longer in my house. The result? I probably threw them out by mistake. The problem? My insurance renewal deadline date with the papers I need to provide the insurance was in that stack. I went into panic mode afraid I was missing the deadline. So the anxiety level was high all night, which led into the morning.
I got up, got the kids off to school, cried through it all and got in the car to head to chemo with Cory. I called my caseworker and she gave me my deadline date (Monday) and what papers I will need to fax in to determine if I am eligible to renew my insurance. I currently have insurance until the end of January. Let me just say this. Our Government truly has the decision to determine my life span. They deny me, I lose insurance. What insurance company will cover a patient in the midst of chemo and reconstructive surgery? Ugh, the thought of that blows my mind. They don't care that I have cancer, they care if my income meets their requirments. My anxiety flies high when I think of the possibility. My sister reaasured me that she will knock on every door for help. I can't even imagine getting to that point and I refuse to stop my treatment if needed. I believe in this medicine, I believe in my doctors. I believe in my medical team and the choices I have made. I will not turn away and "hope" for the best. That's not my choice.
So put yourself in my shoes going to the Cancer center. Feeling tons of emotion and anxiety and then I sit in with my doctor for her to tell me that my blood work from yesterday shows my white blood count is borderline and unless it shows differently today we can't do chemo. Immediatley I question what I have done wrong, and through the tears my doctor reassures me that it has NOTHING to do with what I ate, what I drank, how much rest I got, how far away I kept from my sick kids or anyone around me that may be sick. Its all part of the chemo process but I couldn't help but feel guilty. Then she says "hop on the table, let me listen to your heart and lungs" She listens, and listens some more, and some more and asks me to keep taking deep breaths and honestly I started getting dizzy until she said "Your lungs sound flat to me so I need you to start taking deep breaths every hour, so infections dont fester in there". GRUGH! Really? Flat? What in the world did I do for that to happen? Anyway, I love my oncologist. She reassured me that all of this is normal (chemo normal) and not to be concerned. Today wasn't the day for me to hear any of this because my spirit was already broken.
Anyway, we moved on to the chemo room which smells like medicine and makes me nauseous. I got my blood taken again and had to come back in an hour, so Cory and I went to Wal-Mart to get the kids their Christmas Gifts. I called an hour later and they cleared me for my blood count and that I could get my treatment today. My white blood count went from 2.5 to 3.5 in one day. Im thankful for that.
Today when the nurse cleaned my skin that protects my port and injected my IV, I cried. I looked at my friend Rachelle and just put my head down in disgust. Disgusted that Im here. How did this happen? I got up to go to the bathroom with my pole of drugs and I looked in the mirror. I saw, a pale, bald 31 year female holding a pole full of chemo drugs. I looked in the mirror and said "what in the world, how did this happen, Jesus please Heal me"
This is all still tender to me. I can wear the prettiest wigs and hats and earring and do my makeup all jazzed out, attend ministry events, work from home, be a mom, be a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a neighbor but honestly, right now I am SO FULL OF CHEMO. I can't deny that. I won't surround myself in depression for long (thats not me) but through all the "stuff" I have to remember what my body is going through. I may feel fine on the outside, my heart is still beating, my limbs are still moving, but reality is, my body is being torn up right now on the inside.
I met a lady at chemo today. She had breast cancer, had a double masectomy, chemo and radiation. Her tumor was 5 cm and was a grade 3. They removed 7 lymph nodes and found one cancerous node. A few months later, she had pain on her side, went in to find out she has lung cancer, and now liver cancer. She has children ranging from 25 to age 3! What seperates us? 1 lymph node. Just 1! (Of course the size of her tumor was way beyond mine as well). As she was talking today, not only was my heart heavy for her to see her go through this all over again, and wonder if she is thinking about death, but it scared me more than I have ever been scared. I mean...yes I think about the D word especially when I was diagnosed but there was always a solution waiting for me. YOu have cancer? Ok, here are your options. And I took them. But now, I sit and wait, and pray that my options do its thing and cancer NEVER returns. NEVER! This is so much bigger than what I make it sometimes. I put on a great show huh? Today I feel like my show has been cancelled.
My husband came in to hold me tonight and told me that I am just being emotional. LOL...of course. But the bottom line? Today was a bit of reality for me. Hearing some insurance lady tell me that she will determine my health care, hearing that my body wasn't nearly as strong as I assumed, hearing a story from a woman that burns a hole right in your gut and sitting here laying in bed, not having the desire or energy to do anything is so much more than emotions. Its my life. Its the cards that I have been dealt.
Im calling out to God, knowing He is there, but I am feeling disconnected today. That hasn't happened. What I can use is encouraging scripture, encouraging words, reminders of how far I have come. I basically need to go back and read the huge amounts of cards I have in my basket in my room. I need to walk around and look at all the encouraging notes, gifts, jewerly, wigs, hats, blankets and pillows to remind me that I am not alone. I pray that I have not fallen for long. Get up and keep going right? I can't go backwards. I can't worry about tomorrow, I need to find peace in the moment. I ask that you pray for me, with me and continue to support me through this journey.