I can't even begin to describe the various emotions that has taunted me today which led me into "isolation" (how Cory's describes my day). It started yesterday. The fatique was overwhelming. My house was a disaster and I couldn't lift a finger which of course drives me crazy. I was so tired and we had one more Christmas dinner to attend at my moms house. I pretty much isolated myself on the couch at her house getting sleepier and sleepier as the night went on. Everyone else in my family parented my kids because I shut down when I am tired and a bit overwhelmed by the chaos of family. I was never like that before, but sometimes it just gets too overwhelming.
Today I woke up, a new day, a shower, some new clothes from Christmas and off I went to help set up at church. I moved a rack of chairs (with help) and found myself exhausted. I expressed to my friend Amy how much energy that just took out of me, and its not to get sympathy or to get out of helping because that is something that I desire to do, but I want to try and explain what my body is feeling.
After much socializing at church and of course singing, by the time we were done, I was DONE. I hit a brick wall as I say so many times. I came home and Cory made me lunch and I took a 2 hour nap. Now let me back up a bit.
After church Cory and I had a "talk" which of course turned into a high volume discussion. :) Im not going to lie and say our marriage through this journey is strong everyday. Lately it has been weak for several reasons. Tears starting falling during this "discussion" because I truly feel like my marriage is weaker because of me. Not because of me but because of the circumstances we are in. Im sure my husband is tired of being the caretaker and some days it shows more often than others, but he never complains. My guilt sets in and my mind makes stuff up so he just may be tired but I take it as "tired of caring for me."
After our discussion, we ate lunch and then off I went into my bedroom to nap. I started to wake up and he opens the door to check on me cuz my mom came to visit. She actually came to tell me that my Aunt Elsie was back in the ER becuase of a side effect from the medication she is on. So, I started making some phones calls and so on. Then a few minutes later, my 3 nieces and a friend came over. So I got up, put a hat on, and went outside on the couch to join them as they invaded my house. Well just my Wii and Just Dance 2. I don't mind these kind of visits, I thrive on them actually, but today I felt crappy. I just sat on the couch watching them as they entertained themselves. I enjoyed them being here though. I just wasn't myself. After they left, Cory gave me a big hug and said how he can tell how tired I was. So I went back in the bedroom and laid down some more until dinner.
During this time Amy and I were trying to plan a shopping trip with our Youth Group students for tomorrow. I try and do as much as possible before chemo on Wednesday because I'll be down for several days. Each treatment gets longer and longer that I am "down". Anyway through this scheduling I started attacking myself in all different areas in ministry. I long to be connected with these girls but this stupid thing called cancer puts a hiccup in my step. Scheduling, length of shopping, connecting, holding hour long conversations all sound exhausting but my heart is bursting for them at the same time. Its really hard and stressful on me mentally to have to pick and choose what is right.
So at this point my emotions are already all over the place. Then the thought of getting my house ready AGAIN for Wednesday, Meals planned, Fridge filled, kids clothes washed, clean house and bills paid exhausts me some more. lol.
I finally got out of my bed, played some Wii with the kids and Cory and then did a devotional with Bella while Cory did his devotional with Isaac. It was really good. We got them new devotionals for Christmas Boy & Girl ones of course and they are really enjoying them. Its a blessing to read bible stories about women of God and then hear my daughter read. We read Psalms 26 tonight. We were only supposed to read one verse, but the sound of her reading to me was too good to stop so she kept going. Then she prayed. She asked God to please make her mom feel better because she loves her very very much. It was precious.
Cory took the kids to bed and when they were both out of my room I started to cry some more. Isaac came back in (unexpected) and he got really nervous and asked what happened when he saw my tears. Just something in my eye buddy, I'll be fine. There are times when he can see me cry, but right before bed is not one of them. I know my son and I know that he will lay there and ponder it. Its not something I want him to worry about.
Cory came in and there I let it loose. After dumping my entire set of emotions on him once again, he said "what do you want to do about it?" I disregarded the question and broke out into a deeper breakdown and cried out "What did I miss, where in the world did this come from, how did I get it" and on and on I went over the same questions I have been asking myself for 5 months. Cory was pretty silent and just held me as he knows works best for me. He never got the answer to his question but he told me I should blog and that I need more friends on the days leading up to chemo. LOL. Its funny to hear his solution to a problem.
Anyway, I listented and I decided to journal (Blog). SOmetimes I feel like its a whine fest and maybe it is, but its my outlet. Its why I created it. I don't ever want anyone to think each day is a bowl full of cherries or that each day is a torture chamber, but it varies. We received several gift cards for Christmas so I will be planning a nice long date night for the two of us. Dinner, Movie and Ice Cream. I can't wait for it.
Lots of new side effects have started and that is always a constant reminder of the change in my body which triggers emotions as well.
I just ask for prayer for my marriage, my health of course and that God will fill me up with peace before my next treatment.