The Heaviest Heart

My heart is probably the heaviest it has been since the day I heard “you have cancer”. All this time, my kids have been troopers. Going along with everything. Adjusting to people in and out of the home, cooking dinner, visitors, caretakers and so on. Every now and then I will check in with them and ask how they are doing and if they have any questions but most of the time I hit a dead end. Until tonight.


Thursday as you know set us back and gave us a road that we weren’t prepared to go down. I think that threw the kids for a loop. Because of this irritating setback, I am now back in bed resting and trying to heal. It’s a lot longer than we told the kids and therefore the questions start.

Today Isaac came home from school and I could see it on his face that he is just struggling. So I asked him “Isaac, do you miss mommy being normal” “yes, I just wish you were back to the way you used to be” as tears filled his eyes. It literally took every ounce of muscle to gain control of my tears and be strong for him. I told him that this was unexpected and wasn’t in our plans, and that I am trying my best to heal as fast as I can. I asked him what kinds of things he misses. He said “going to the beach and eating at San Tan Flats” LOL….My precious boy I just love him so much. I wish that it wasn’t this way.

After that I got up and did my very best to be out in the living room area where the kids were. I was nauseous, in pain and I just wanted to lay down. I went to the dinner table and sat down and literally laid my head on the table. I tried so hard to be “there” but of course my body was, but my mind isn’t. I bought play dough so we did some of that and we had good times. We had a competition of who can make the best spider and the kids asked if we could post it on Facebook for people to vote. LOL so we did.

After that, we went in my room and had our prayer time as we always do. We usually ask who wants to pray and Isaac raised his hand. “Lord, thank you for this day, thank you for my family and friends. Thank you for this night. Lord forgive us for our sins even if we don’t know that we sinned. Lord please make my mom feel better and help me not be distracted at school when she is at her doctors appointments. Amen”. Once again, I tried and my eyes filled up but I gained control. Then Bella comes to me and says “mom, I daydream” so I asked about what and she said “I daydream that your going to die” I grabbed her and hugged her so tight and told her over and over again that Im doing my very best to get better and that I have to go through this to get better. Bella cried and cried saying that she thinks about me all the time at school and she tries hard to concentrate. Isaac says he thinks about me most when I am at the doctor’s appointments.

Ill be honest, I want to give up so bad. I want to tell the doctors to take these ugly expanders out and leave me alone. I want to sew up my chest and never go to another appointment again. I want so bad to give up. I want my kids to feel normalcy. I want them to never have to “daydream” about me dying or what is happening at my appointments. Its not fair. I knew I was strong but I feel weak. I am so anxious about my doctors appointment tomorrow because Thursday was by far the most dramatic event I have ever faced. I don’t want to go near that place or relive that day again.

Im pleading for prayer. I need it, my family needs and my body needs it. If you can give anything at this moment, I ask that you commit to praying for complete healing and peace In my family.