Friday, November 12, 2010

Broken Hearted

Some of you have heard me say that I was going to write a book called "What NOT to say to a cancer patient" and I hope to do that someday. My husband made it in my future book (Sorry Cory) and tonight my son has as well. Except his remark went straight to the gut as opposed to my mind.

Overall the day was pretty good. Pretty normal. Kids came home from school, made dinner and then we sat down to watch "Diary of a wimpy kid" Great movie by the way. Well if you have or haven't seen it, there is a part in the movie where Greg (wimpy kid) has a mommy/son dance flier from school but throws it away because he doesn't want to go. His big brother Rodrick found it and showed his mom (just to be a butthead) and of course the mom was EXCITED to go to the dance. Greg was not happy about it, but now didn't have the choice. LOL.

I jokingly said to Isaac "Aw, would you go to a mommy/son dance with me?" And Isaac's response? "Not if you are bald I wouldn't want to go" :( Ouch. I said "are you embarresed of me?" and he said "yes".

Now, normally, I wouldn't care if my 9 year old son made fun of my clothes, or make-up or shoes or whatever but the comment tonight took my stomach and flipped it a few times. I sat here, holding back the tears because I didn't want him to see me cry and then Cory pulled Isaac towards him and whispered in his ear. Not really sure what he said, I don't really care but at that point the tears started flowing so I went to my room to just let it out. During the movie I had my "night cap" on which is not the prettiest but its comfortable. I sat in my closet looking in the mirror crying my eyes out, because for the first time I was insecure. Thinking that my 9 yr old was embarresed of his mom.  I sat there and realized that my night cap isn't so pretty so I put a new one on. I wiped away the tears and went back out to the couch.

Isaac went upstairs to get his jammies on and during that time Cory asked me if I was ok. Of course the tears started coming again and then Isaac came down. I got control but Isaac knew. He asked me twice if I was ok, before I answered him and finally I looked at him (now sobbing) and said "your comment about me really hurt my feelings, and I want you to know that I didn't choose to shave my head, this is something I can't control" and my poor boy broke down in tears. I continued to explain to him how I felt and he didn't argue or say anything. He even repeated himself and said that he can't help being embarresed. I told him I wasn't mad at him, and he has a right to feel this way but I am going through this because I have to not because I chose it.

I know that Isaac feels super bad but I also know that it doesn't change the way he feels. Its ok and I wouldn't want him to change only because I feel bad about it. I want him to be proud of me regardless of what I look like on his own.  

This is all part of our journey as a family. Some days are better than others. This was not one of those days that I am fond of, but I can't deny reality.

Anyway I wish this wasn't my post today but my heart is broken and here it is.

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