Monday, November 1, 2010

God Smacked me in the head Tonight

This weekend has been emotional for me. One moment Im laughing, the next I feel like Im going to hurl. Then another moment, Im crying my eyes to my husband and the next Im making dinner. Ahhh, this is literally an emotional rollercoaster not only physically but by far emotionally.

Today was my first day "alone" after my first treatment. Cory had to go in late because my body was too tired to get up and get two kids ready. I tried so hard to get up, but next thing I knew, it was 30 minutes later and they were all ready to go. I finally got up, kissed the kids goodbye, asked a friend to pick up Bella so I didn't have to give her an excuse why I couldn't walk her to school (isaac rides his bike) and ate breakfast and crashed back on the couch.

I layed there for awhile then moved my way back into bed. Crashed for a few more hours until my sister came over to get my grocery list. I got up, started scrubbing the kitchen table and cleaning up after breakfast and broke down. Crying and telling my sister "I want to quit, I can't imagine going through this 7 more times" She came over and hugged me while I cried out but I just kept shaking my head because I can't imagine my life change and I can't be who I am. I finally calmed down and we talked it through.

My reasons? Its not like me to lay in my bed for hours and be "lazy". That is not who I am. Im a busy little bee. I enjoy it. I also love getting up and feeding my kids, and making sure their backpacks are ready and sending them off to school. That is what I love to do, and I HATE that I am restricted. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, all I see is 7 more treatments that seem forever away. And while I am processing this, I see my hair on my pillow slowly falling out, reminding me that soon that will be another emotional step that I have to take.

As time passed today, and I laid in my bed some more I just zoned out not thinking of much. Before I knew it, it was time for the kids to get home. Isaac stays after school for tutoring and so I get Bella home for an hour alone. She walked in today and I sat on the stairs preparing myself to be a mom the rest of the afternoon and to come out of my misery. She washed her hands and then told me all about her day then we laid on the couch watching cartoons. An hour later, my big boy came strolling in, washed his hands LOL and told me about his day. I continued to lay down and at 5:00 I got up.

I couldn't lay anymore. I made dinnner, I cleaned up after dinner too, (haven't done that in awhile) and then even made an ice cream treat for us. I had some energy and I wasn't about to waste it. I had my niece and nephew over tonight too while my sister had some stuff to do and I actually got to use that energy on my niece as her aunt and spiritual counselor. It was a blessing. I hope this experience that she is witnessing only brings her closer to God.

I had the kids by myself till Cory got home at 8:45. GRUGH! Long nasty day for him. But I did it and its 11:07pm and I am still up. After we put the kids down to bed I took a shower. My cancer buddy Kiki said that showers will be a time where I can get away and if I need to cry till the water turns cold, then do it.

Tonight as I washed my hair and noticed more and more strands coming out, I sat there and thought..."God I am so blessed" Ha...can you believe after a day like today this is where I am at. But after a valium, a good cry, 3 supporters rooting me on and a nice hot shower I realized...MAN I AM LUCKY! I said "Lord if this is the worst I will endure, how dare I complain?? And if I am to endure worse symptoms give me the strength to get through it and be who I am"

I felt so guilty whining and complaining when I was able to cook dinner, make yummy treats, be a counselor, tuck the kids in, and most of all be here to welcome my kids home from school. I might have missed the morning...but the afternoon was worth the wait.

I pray the symptoms I have do not increase. I know I still have a long road, but what I mean about symptoms is nausea and fatique. I don't want to be curled up in bed wanting to hurl and so tired I can't keep my eyes open. Ill lose my hair over taking time away from my family.

My prayer request is that this is it. This is how I react since we know that each women reacts differently. I pray that this is my story and by the power of prayer I eased through this. Please don't let a day go by when you don't pray for me. Your prayers are the only reasons why I can end my night the way it did.

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