Monday, November 22, 2010

Gabbee is Back

Hi All....Before I start my blog for today, I wanted to send a PUBLIC THANK YOU once again to the recent donations and meals. There is no better thing than laying in bed feeling crappy and receiving text notifications that I received a Paypal donation. Some from people I don't even know. Thank You SO MUCH! God has provided from day 1 through you all. Thank you so much. Food...yes oh how I love food! Cooking is the furtherst from my mind and my husbands as well. We are so spoiled by our neighbors with dinners the few days following chemo and it means SO MUCH! I hope you truly know how thankful I am for these blessings.

Now to recent business. This time around, Saturday was my worst day. I had such low energy, I couldn't help but fall into a "I'm done with chemo (once again) and can't do this anymore" mode. I sat in bed and watched movies and finally shut off the TV and started to write in my prayer journal. I cried out to God. I felt like David in Psalms, one minute asking "why" the next minute praising Him for all the good that He has done through this. It truly was a journal of my thoughts. I looked back at my entry that day and it ended with "Im so tired, please Lord give me the strength, give me encouragement." After I laid there pondering my thoughts and watching my bedroom drapes blow in the wind (yes very movie like) I called in my husband from the garage (I texted him actually) and he sat on the recliner and said "what can I do for you"? I started to cry asking him "why" and "this is not what I signed up for" and "maybe it was a mistake" and "I feel so weak" and "what do you think my doctor will say if I made an appointment to quit"? At first he started giving me textbook answers and then instead of arguing because I wasn't getting the response I wanted, I said "your not helping me right now, I need you to be real" and so he was. He reminded me of everything that I needed to be reminded of. He reminded me of why I am on chemo. He reminded me of how loved I am, and how much support I have and how I am fighting for my two kids, and that I was better in a few days last treatment and the happy road of being "cancer free" will be like and it could be worse, and to think of all my blessings...on and on and on. After he was done, I got up, took a shower and went to a going away party that night and had FUN. The next day I went to church and a ministry event and today I am off my nausea pills. GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME.

I realized that no medicine, no doctor, no friend or family can take away your pain or heal you. God is the ultimate healer and YES he uses medicine and people with medical wisdom to heal us, but when we rely on Him, the medicine seems SO SMALL compared to what He can do. Im so thankful that He is my Cancer Doctor.

Today I noticed something else. As I was sitting in my room alone, quiet house, getting frustrated over the irritating hairs on my head that were falling out, on my hat, my hands, my shoulders and my neck I remembered something else that my husband said a week or so ago. "We might need to duct tape your head." So I went into the garage, grabbed the duct tape and YES...applied it to my head and off my stubbles came. Didn't hurt a bit. Actually I didn't feel it at all. Its just dead hair. I got up to look in the mirror and noticed that I wasn't doing a very good job. LOL. I now had bald spots all over. (Carla and Amy came over and finished the job later on). I laid out the strips of duct tape on my bathroom counter and of course took a picture to send to Cory and my sister, but as I sat there and pondered those strips of hair on the tape, I realized...WOW...God knows the number of hairs on our head (and I have ALOT OF HAIR)...and the cool thing is? He knows MY number. He knited me together in my mother's womb. My God is SO BIG. SO BIG that I can't fathom but once again, I doubted and was reminded of how GREAT HE IS and although at times we don't understand why, He comforts us all the way through. Never leaves us nor forsakes us.

Im so thankful that through this storm, I can still praise Him and not ponder on doubting Him. The questions may come and go as to Why...but never will I question if He has my hand through the storm.

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