Monday, November 29, 2010

Venting...Here I Go...

Before I start, I want to ask for prayer for my stepdad Joe. He passed out this morning twice, and my mom brought him to the ER, to find out that he has pnemonia and is anemic. He has to get a colonoscopy to rule out any dangerous factors on why he is anemic. Of course my mom is just full of worry, with the passing of her mom, her daughter having cancer and then to wait for test results on her husand is just overwhelming. Joe is starting to feel better since he has had an antibiotic drop since this morning. Next step is to pray hard for clear testing and negative results. He will get released tomorrow.

So here I go. I just was talking to someone yesterday about my blog. She mentioned that she is starting to see peace in the blog, which is so true. I am coming to a new point in my journey that has me more at peace with what I am going through. My least favorite times is the 4 days after chemo of course. That is when I am most down and depressed and feeling like POOP! Ive come to terms with my hair loss. It is what it is. However there are things that put me over the edge.

My fatigue. Not having the normal stamina that I once had. Decorating for Christmas usually took me a couple of hours and I could decorate more if needed. Yesterday I hung garland on the stairs, and that was it. I sat down and felt like I have been working all day. Its frustrating that I can't do what I normally have done.

My eyelashes. Seems strange that this bothers me, but it does. I have been putting masacra on and not taking it off because I wanted that to be the "glue" LOL However my idea isnt working anymore. I now have eyelashes with masacra falling into my eyes or just being stuck in mid air in my eyelashes. So I finally broke down today and took the masacra off and will just let them come out. (Yes I have fake ones ready to use)

Insomina. GRUGH. I hate it. Last night I got 4 hours of sleep. I could not sleep for the life of me. I finally fell asleep at 3am and thanks to Cory going into work late, he stayed home to get the kids ready so I can sleep in more. But then I was woken up by the phone call about my stepdad so, here I am on 4 hours sleep. For some people that is normal but not when you are on Chemo. LOL

Insurance. Oh how I hate thee. I love it, because I have it right now, but its time to qualify again. My anxiety is high because we barely qualified in the beginning and we only did because of Cory's panic attack which put him in the hospital and that put our medical bills above our income ratio. I sent in my application today and now I am waiting on the approval process again. Im anxious and worried, Im not going to pretend Im not. What would happen if I don't qualify? I can't even begin to think of that. Government insurance doesn't qualify you based on your health, they base it soley on your income. Here is the point that I wish we didn't make money? Ugh. All the bills that weren't covered by our insurance are piling up. Some have been paid down, but for the majority, all donations go to my income loss and medical expenses. It is on my list to apply for more grants through Susan G Komen and Brett Favre foundation but honestly sometimes that stuff overwhelms me. I did get a grant of $100 from the Cancer Society. Im not sure why its so little, but they asked me my stage of cancer. Because Im at a stage 1 I hope that wasn't a factor especially being that even though I was at a stage 1, my tumor was a stage 3 (most agressive). Go figure. But I will be happy with what I "earned".

At&T. I have a love/hate relationship with them right now too. They are fixing our local tower which puts my cell phone and internet card at a slow moving pace which affects my job at home. I couldn't work yesterday because my internet kept going out. The tower is to be fixed by Thursday. I already called them this morning crying them threatening to call Channel 12. LOL They are willing to give me credit, update my equipment, but bottom line is, that there is nothing I can do until the tower is fixed on Thursday. GRUGH!

Needless to say, Im at a low this morning. Im just asking that you remember me in prayer today and the days to come.

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