Monday, September 6, 2010

Day 38 "Cancer comes with you wherever you go"

I COULD NOT wait to blog this weekend. I hope you guys find as much comfort in these blogs as I do. Even though they are not always uplifting, it tells the world of my thoughts. Sometimes blunt, sometimes vague.

I have been taking notes this weekend of my thoughts so I can have an easy time to put them on "blogger". :) I hope I can go through them and put them in a "story" for you to understand.

Before I start, I want to apologize for my sporaticness. I know that isn't  a word, but I tend to make up my own. :) I also want to say that even through this blog, I want you to know that my faith is never questioned. I am never angry or confused on why this is happening to me. I stumble and I fail alot, but Jesus is patiently waiting for me with open arms until I come back around.

Here it goes.....

Last year we went to family camp. Cory had a broken ankle from when he fell off the diving board. He got his cast off the day we went up to camp. He walked around with a cane. It was quite the picture. We had a really GREAT time. We were going through a time in our lives where we were constantly being stomped on my medical issues. That seems funny to say now but it was one after the other between Cory and Bella. So Family camp was a big release for us. We had such a relaxing time, great fellowship and the sermons were awesome. I felt so close to God and I came home pumped.

This year....was different however Cory and I didn't think it would be. I thought that this would be a great release for our family to "get away" from Cancer. I think that was true for the kids, but for Cory and I, that wasn't the case. I posted pictures on Facebook of our trip and I even had comments on them saying how relaxed and refreshed I look. Give me a camera, some make-up and a smile and Wham...I have a picture that tells a story that isn't necessarily the truth. I am relaxed. Maybe even too much. Am I refreshed? Probably not in the way I wanted. Spiritually refreshed was what I was hoping for, but I had a wall that was put up that I struggled with all weekend.

I think that Cory and I and.... let me pause for a second. Through this blog I will keep referring to "our" feelings (Cory and I) because we talked about this alot this weekend that we both felt the same way and we took awhile to really understand the meaning of it. anyway...I think that Cory and I assumed to have our cups filled with God's spirit. I think that we assumed it would be easy to walk onto Camp Pinerock and act as if we both aren't hurting inside. I think we both assumed that we could do all the activities and laugh and smile and consume God's word without cancer running through our minds. We were wrong. We did laugh, and we did smile, but we were hurting and it caused a wall to go up so that we could not receive God's word in our hearts.

I sat in service with a straight face. No singing, No praising just zoning off. I thought at first, that was my "hint" from Him to just "be still" but something wasn't right. I was emotionless. This happened for 3 services. I kept my feelings to myself until this morning. We went to Family Communion service and the Pastor was talking about gathering around God's table for communion, the way we do in our own homes. He talked about how his family has a tradition that when their day is running crazy, they meet around the table and play "Hi's & Low's" Basically they go around the table talking about their Hi's and Low's of the day. Cory and I have family nights with the kids alot. The kids love it. Mostly we watch a movie, play a game or have a fancy dessert. Whatever it is, its a night that we dont have plans or commitments to anything or anyone else. Just the 4 of us.

When I imagined family time around the table this was my vision. Me in my room feeling sick, bald and fatiqued. The kids coming in my room to hug me or just hang out with me and us not really having "family time" the way we used to. I have this vision in my head that doesn't give me peace. It gives me fear that my life is turning upside down. So during this vision as the music is playing and we are to take communion, I start to cry. Tears rolling down my face as quickly as I wipe them away. On one side of me I have one of my Jr. Highers, and the other side I have my baby girl. Suck it up I tell myself...not now. So when service was over, Cory and I sat on the park bench while the kids played and we waited for breakfast to start. I shared with him my thought process and I started to cry once more. I love Cory. He has learned so much through this trial. A quiet husband is a great one. :) All these years I prayed he would open up and be more talkative and now I pray that he is just still and listens. LOL....

I got up, brushed off my emotions and headed to breakfast. After we were done eating, I was introduced to a women that is at her 5 year mark for breast cancer. She was so happy. She said something to me this morning that brought my emotions right out. Not because it was hurtful by any means, but because I was "tender" at that very moment. She said "your in for a rough road". She's right. This isn't going to be easy. Can I do it? Of course I can! But its a new life that I wasn't prepared for. After she left, I started to cry once more. At this point, Cory had left to go watch the kids at the playground since they were done eating before us. I went down to him and said "I needed you up there with me". Then I explained and I started to cry some more. LOL..poor guy. We knew then that it was time to go home.

Here is where our problem was. We walked onto Camp Pinerock thinking that we could conquer more things this year than we could last year because of Cory's ankle. We also thought that we could walk there and act as normal as we want to be. We were away from home right? Away from the house, away from my "recovery" room, away from people, attention, life, bills, doorbell ringing, school, routines, and on and on and on. But we weren't. Cancer came with us. Therefore our thoughts, our worries, our fears, our stresses and our hurts came too. I wish they would have all stayed in Florence but that isn't reality is it.

This is my new life. When will I accept and embrace it? This I wont know until it happens. BUT I refuse to go through this trial feeling blocked from God. I can't function that way. It wont work. So I need some down time, just Him and I to get real again. To get re-fueled again, to feel Hope & Comfort again. I NEED Him and I NEED his everlasting love. I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT go into that operating room without him holding my hand. Even though I believe He will be there, I need to feel His presence. That takes some time just being still in his word. That is my plan this week and next. My cup shall runeth over. :0 Right now, the water has evaporated into the glass, leaving it dry and frail.

I ask for prayer. Prayer that I do feel that overwhelming peace I did when I was first diagnosed. Comfort and filled. I want to be bloated. HaHa...:)

Thank you for taking the time to come into my head tonight.

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