Wednesday, September 29, 2010

"How do I feel about Tomorrow's Appointment?"

So I really want to talk about tomorrow and how I “feel” about the appointment with my oncologist but I will start with Dr. Admire's visit today.

So today I brought Hope with me. Each week is different because I know my friends will get a kick out of his office and the experience that goes with it. Last week Amy got to view my reconstruction for the first time with my husband and today Hope got to experience a drain tube pulled out of my body and to watch a boob expand. LOL

So….today I was praying that Dr. Admire would take my drains out. I was afraid he wasn’t going to just because I still have fluid but I was hoping it wasn’t that much fluid. I was also hoping that he would take the steri-strips off because…well I just wanted them off and nothing on my skin. I didn’t think he would fill them at all. I thought maybe a small chance, but I was not prepared for it. So we went there for our 11:30 appointment and I had a list of questions to ask.

Now let me now just modest I am. I hope I come off as modest as I talk about. However this experience has me showing my boobs to everyone. LOL…Well not men of course but my close friends. But even having people bathe me (full body) that is a big deal. Today when we were in the room waiting for the doctor, I had to put a gown on. Before all this happened I would ask my friends (even my sister or mom) to leave the room so I can change into my gown. Today when the M.A. asked, I didn’t think twice. I took off my clothing, and put the gown on. LOL…Hope has seen them many many times. No more modesty there. LOL.

Ok so he came in and said “ok, how do you feel?” Good I answered. So he said “ok, let’s take a look”. Gown dropped and he was happy with the look of them and the drain log we had going. So he said “great, we can take both drains out and we can even do a fill”. Ahhhhhh really? I totally didn’t think this was going to happen. He also said “a little” fill. Well let me just tell you that he filled me with 120cc’s each boob. Hope and Cory literally watched my boob grow from an A to a B. LOL! And the tubes coming out….OUCH. But doable. Pinch kind of like feeling. Actually it’s basically like they are pulling a tube out of your body. LOL. Not an easy way to say it. I guess after the surgery I just went through, I could take a simple drain pulling. I’m a trooper now. :) So, to fill the expander, he used a magnet finder cuz the expander has a magnet where the needle is inserted. He found it, marked it and then injected a needle which was attached to a large syringe filled with saline. I asked all my questions and he answered. Overall good visit. HOWEVER….when the fill was done…I seriously felt like Dolly Parton. LOL!!! I SO DO NOT LOOK THAT WAY….I probably look like I did before on a good “bra” day. LOL. But I felt like I was going to pop. It was crazy. This WHOLE new experience was crazy. Hope got up after the doctor left and came over to me. I looked at her and I was like “ahhhh, they are huge, I don’t want any more fillers, I’m done”. She had to feel and then feel hers. LOL!! We compared and we laughed and talked about how perky and wonderful it was going to be to buy bathing suits this summer. LOL!!! I looked over at my husband and said “sorry hunny do you want to look too” HaHa! This is my new life….it’s kind of funny. I have to admit.

We left the doctors and I called & texted my peeps with the good news about my drains and joked about my new size. I go next week for another fill which I am anxious about because I don’t want them to be much bigger but he is just stretching my skin and I know they won’t be as big as they are now, or will be next week. But I think if I have the choice I will tell him next week to stop, but he is one of the top surgeons in the state so I am going to trust him to fill until I will be the size of my choice once the implants go in. It might be totally different.

Okay…so the question on the title of my Blog. “How do I feel about tomorrow?” Good question. I really didn’t think about it because each time I do, I feel anxious. However, my friend Teresa asked me tonight on text “so how do you feel about tomorrow”. My answer seemed so quick and so real and I wanted to share it with you. I feel equipped and prepared for my treatment regime. I feel peaceful and comforted. I feel like God will be in that room with me and holding my hand and saying “I know you are scared, but I am with you”. I feel like “Jeremiah 29:11, for I know the plans I have for you.” I feel like I have been overwhelmed with friends and family supporting me that if I can get through a double mastectomy I can get through chemo and losing my hair. My friends are so supportive. My family is my rock. My husband has kissed me each day telling me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am and how proud he is of my progress. My kids hug me at my waist even more so now than they ever did. They ask how I feel. They pray for me every day. These are the things that are going into my doctor’s visit tomorrow. At times I feel so distant from God, but I feel His presence today and more so tomorrow. I am so thankful that he gets to come in the visit with me. When I hear my chemo regime and if it’s the same as we think, then I know I can do this. If it’s different because my tumor was smaller than expected which put me at a Stage 1 and my 1st treatment might not be as harsh or as long, then I can deal with that. If I don’t lose my hair during chemo, then I will rejoice. I will actually rejoice either way. Why? Because I am in survivor mode. I survived both of my breasts getting removed. I survived sitting in my room for 2 weeks recovering hearing my family tell me how horrible I looked when I came out of surgery and how my color and my personality comes back each day. I survived chest pain, drains, showers from people I have only known for less than a year, I survived, people taking care of my kids, cleaning their rooms, doing my dishes, my laundry, my shopping, making meals, my meds…..on and on and on. My controlling personality has survived that. And I am still recovering. I am still doing that. All in God’s name. I asked him to use me and I get messages from people all the time telling me how much I encouraged them and reminded them where to find their comfort. He is using me. And I am willing. I am at peace about tomorrow because of all of this. Because He gives me that peace.

I went into my breast surgeon’s office 7 weeks ago thinking I was going to get a simple lumpectomy and maybe some radiation and would be done. I walked out 2 hours later, with a possible double mastectomy and chemo for 20 months because my cancer is not hormone driven which means I am negative. Usually you want to hear negative but not in this case. Positive is what I would like to hear, but unfortunately my cancer didn’t work that way. I am not a cancer carrier, my cancer is not hormone driven so…..? Where did it come from? Ugh! I hate that question. But I will never know. Not now anyway. So when I walked out of her office that day I felt like my whole world just crumbled before me. Each time I thought about taking off my boobs, I’d cry. Each time I would think about my hair falling off I’d cry. Now…I have two new perky boobs. One step down…a few more to go. I also received some beautiful wigs that have given me some confidence if I lose my hair. Is it the new boobs and wigs that are giving me the peace about tomorrow’s appointment? NOPE! Jesus is my comfort. He is my All in All. I find comfort in nothing else. He does provide those things as blessings to me however I find my joy in Him. I can only rejoice in the fact that I am here with my husband, kids, family and friends. That is how I feel about my appointment tomorrow.

My prayer is that my drive and my passion continue each day. God is so much bigger than this. I hope that each blog, each picture of my smile, each day that I survive this disease is a testimony to you.

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