Thursday, September 9, 2010

Day 41 "Singing in the car never felt so good"

This morning started off a bit rough. And for this time around it wasn't me who needed the emotional support. My dear mother. Sometimes I forget that my loved ones are going through this in a way that I truly can't understand. Since the diagnosis my mom has just been an emotional mess. Nerves, stress, a common cold turning into more just probably because of stress. I kind of been "ignoring" the issue just because I seriously can't take myself out of my mind, and place it in theirs to try and understand the pain they are feeling. I just can't. At times I can't even understand my own emotions.

This morning my mom texted me and said "Can you please come by, Im feeling down". My first instinct was "ugh, I don't have the emotional stability to support anyone" but then I realized how much my mom has done for me and how quickly she drops anything that she is doing to be by my side. So I got dressed and went. Now...let me back up a minute. Before all this, I was woken up by a text message this morning. My father. It said "Did you get a cat scan of your whole body, because I read thats its protocol, did you get one done?" Ugh...seriously? Dad if you are reading this...remember the time difference please. :) As I was texting him and telling him to STOP reading articles online I stopped and realized "wow, they do go through this pain in their own way, they do wake up thinking about me and spending time reading up on cancer so they can try to understand it all". I need to keep reminding myself of that. So I woke up this morning from a text showing concern from my father and a text pleading for company from my mother. Here we are...25 years later after a divorce and my parents are 3000 miles apart and on the same day, within the same hour, their hearts are hurting for their daughter. I was frustrated at first at the thought of trying to ease their worries, but I truly stopped to appreciate their hearts for me. So if you are both reading this.....Im sorry that your daughter has to go through this. I can't even IMAGINE going through this with Bella...and I wish that it didn't have to be this way, but here we are. Your baby girl now 31 has breast cancer.

After some time, I calmed my father down...and later on, I think I calmed my mother down. I got her organized with her med's, got some groceries for her and demanded that she rest up and to PLEASE try and take it easy. My hurt is heavy for both of them as I write and think about them. Im glad that God has opened my eyes to their pain because I have been so selfish. My sister, my brother. I know they are breaking inside and if only I could assure them that I will be ok. I only pray that they find comfort in knowing that God is BIG and my prince of peace.

Whew...let me wipe my tears away for a minute. :(

The day went on fairly well. About 4:00 Cory and I were trying to think of when we could take the kids to the movies before surgery and the only night was tonight because of plans on the days that Cory is off. So, I worked for a bit then off we went to see Nanny McPhee. Awesome movie. The kids and even us...LOVED IT. After the movie we stopped into RUE 21 because Isaac has money in his account and if that boy has money in his account, he wants to spend it. Bella however does NOT want to touch it. Im not even sure if she's saving for a reason...but Isaac is supposed to be saving for a pair of Vans but as fast as he gets $$, he spends it. I let him so he can see first hand what its like to spend and not save. So far it's not working. LOL. So we looked around. He wanted another bracelet as if 18 isn't enough. My little man is finding his own identity. I just love him to pieces. So here he is with a hat that he wanted and sunglasses that I thought were super cool. He bought neither. Just more bracelets.

So we left the store and headed home. We all started talking with accents as if we lived in London. The kids sounded so funny. Cory's accent sometimes went from English to Australian to Hindu. LOL. Then Bella requested that we sing "Go tell it on the Mountain". So it started a wide range of song singing. Cory and I sang one song that they didn't know that we knew from grade school. Mozart I think. Bella said "Can we please sing songs from church" we did. A lot of them. We sang all the way home, just jamming in the car without music through the speakers. Cory reached over and grabbed my hand. He felt the same happiness I was feeling. Praise God for this night, and this time with my family. I can't thank you enough for this blessing! Singing in the car with my family NEVER felt so good!

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