Its Gabbee Blogging

Geez, what a rollercoaster of a few days I have had. Just to clarify some stuff that I posted on FB I hadn't had a bowel movement in 5 days. I know that is TMI but I really dont care. LOL. So I tried EVERYTHING under the sun. I mean EVERYTHING. I even drank that stuff you drink before you get a colonoscopy. NOTHING. So My adorable wonderful Godsend of a nurse gave me a suppository. NOTHING. She came in the next morning and I was in my husbands arms crying because I was scared what this all meant. What was the next step. I was eating 3x a day and all this "crap" was building up inside me and just sitting. So Debbie came in with an enemia. YAY. LOL...Not what I wanted but whatever. Within 15 minutes.....TADA! 5 days of stuff came. I haven't had another movement since so enemia might be my new best friend.

I have been SUPER emotional. I have joked about this surgery, cried and even said I didn't care but bottom line is...I do. They arent the same and they arent mine. I do have something. Maybe a small A size but no nipple. I'll be honest, its hard for me. One minute I laugh, the next minute I am crying. I went to safeway with Amy yesterday and felt like yuck. An ugly ducking. No chest, hunched over, no make-up and a frilly shirt that wasn't filled up with boobs. Im trying to hard to find my beauty in Christ during this time. I really am.


I have been crying for several reasons. The loss of my boobs, the change of my life, the pain, the discomfort, the way I have to lay down, the way I have to hug my kids, the things I can not do, the thought of living my new life of cancer...all of this still is here. Yes my cancer is removed, but that doesn't mean I am cancer free. I am on my way to be cancer free. But I am still a cancer patient.

Today we showed our kids. I just felt it was time. I was tired of having to close the doors so they wouldn't walk in during showers or bandage changing. So we pulled the kids into the bathroom and I explained what to expect before I pulled my wrap off. When I did my son he responded "wow, it looks like a donut w/out a hole in the middle" LOL!!! We laughed as a family and it felt GREAT. I asked them if they had questions and basically they just wanted to know how long the tubes would be in and when they will look normal again. Overall Im happy I told them and they reacted as well as I knew they would.

Its Friday and Church is Sunday. I will be complelty honest with you. I NEED to be there but Im afraid to go. Im afraid to be starred at. Im afraid to look different. I want the perfect outfit that doesn't show my new (temporary) image. This might sound crazy to some, but its my heart. Doing my hair and my make-up is exhausting. I dont want to walk in looking ill. I know Jesus doesn't care what I look like and I am in His word seeking and getting reassurance in His word on what he see's me as. Im sad that the world has made our image so important on the outside.

Anyway, thank you for understanding me and understanding our visitor request. Last night I overdid it and I didn't have my husband home. He took his parents and the kids to visit their Great Grandma for the day. I had Amy stay with me and had some visitors in between but about 9pm I was in a ton of pain. I called my plastic surgeon and he said it all sounded normal. I had Debbie (my nurse) come check me out and she noticed that the drain was a bit clogged and could be the cause of the pain and swelling.

This morning I woke up feeling pain of course just because I am stiff from staying in one position but I was excited to get some homemade biscuits and gravy. I took a shower, my pain pill and sat at the table. About 5 minutes after we ate, I ran to the bathroom and vomitted. YUCK. Thank you Cory for chasing after me and holding my hair. After I was done, I looked up and said "I love you". He is just GREAT. He could have his head up his butt at times LOL....(if you know Cory, you know what I mean) but he is the best for me.

We are going to have our last family dinner tonight with my in-laws and just rest in God's word. Worship music is playing now and I just love the comfort it gives me. At times I am so grateful that I dont even know how to Thank Him. There is comfort and joy in His name and tender mercy in His name.

I pray that through this trial, my relationship with Him is shining even when I am crawling barely getting up, He is cheering me on. Today while my mother-in-law prepares dinner and gets everything set up, I am going to dwell in God's word. Something I haven't done in 5 days which is driving me nuts. I have either zoned out on FB, meds or sleep. Well Im up and am feeling His peace, I just want to keep reading it.

It was nice to catch up with you guys again. Here is my specific prayer request. That I find beauty in Christ and not others around me. That he fills me up with such beauty that I radiate his Glow no mattter if I am flat chested or not.