Day 45 "Overtaken with Anxiety"

Ugh, I have this OVERWHELMING anxiety. I just took a pill so hopefully it will kick in so I can sleep tonight. I laid down next to Cory explaining my thought process but of course I woke him up and he is answering me and then falling back alseep. GRUGH! I HATE THAT! I know he is tired, but I need to talk. :( So I got up with attitude and came to blog.


So I started to have fear about Friday. No duh right? Then I checked out my friend KiKi's blog which is a good thing...but it just is reality that I think I underplay sometimes. I wonder what it is like to see this situation from the outside in? I wonder if I have this much anxiety on Monday night, how will I be on Thursday night or the day of? I also wonder...if I dont eat for atleast 8 hours prior to surgery and then no food or drink all day Friday, how will I not vomit up all those pain meds? Dont I need food? I also want to know what type of chemo will I have since my cancer is not hormone driven which puts me in the negative status. Will my cancer be anywhere else other than my "lump". Will I know where I am when I wake up? Ugh, Im probably totally over playing this all, but for someone that has never had surgery before I am kind of freaked out. I pushed a 9lb baby out but apparently getting drugged up before all this happens is much more fearful than having a baby. I guess I rather be in pain giving life to a baby than getting my breasts removed. :(

Im sorry that this blog is sooooo out there but these are my thoughts right now and this is what my blog is for. Sometimes I dont even know what to pray for other than peace. Peace, Peace, Peace, Comfort, Comfort, Comfort. Last night I did pray for the PERFECT NURSE. I did notice that I kept praying for clarity in the beginning of all of this and that was shown to so I guess that is what I can pray for. A clear, precise surgery with no aprehensions from the doctors.

I have SOOOOOOOOOO MANY thoughts running through my head. Why am I so scared of all a sudden? GRUGH! I start to think about chemo. Will my drug be different because my cancer is not hormone driven? Did I say that already? I promise that this is not the meds talking. This is truly my thought process. I just need to take one step at a time. Surgery...healing...then chemo. Im always trying to be prepared....have a plan of action...a schedule. But I feel like I am turning around in circles and nothing is being achomplished. In my home especially. The kids rooms were cleaned top to bottom today and I threatened their life if they messed them up. (not really)  but I did put the fear of something into them, to keep them clean. I want everything clean when I get home. A clean house makes me happy. A messy, disasterous house makes me frantic and cranky. I want my house in order before surgery so when I come home and I have everyone and their neighbor coming in my home to tend to my house, my kids, my husband at times....I will not think twice about the tidiness of my home.

Man...this totally sucks. I imagined myself walking outside of the surgery center..and my family/friends looking at me thinking "how did this happen, when did this happen, look how fast it happened." Well I guess not fast because its been 7 weeks since the diagnosis. AHHHHHHHHHH that is pure torture. However...God has the perfect timing. I do believe that. He chose September 17th. I will learn to accept it.

I wonder how Cory is going to do. I think about my family in the waiting room for all those hours. UGH, I can't imagine that. If I smoked, I'd probably smoke a pack or two....if I drank I'd probably be sipping from my flask. But I dont think anyone that is in the waiting room will be doing those things...well maybe a few. LOL...but Im praying that they are finding comfort in God's word at that moment, what I really should be doing now. I feel like the more I am honest with God and my true fears, the more peaceful I feel. I'll be honest though...death is not a far thought in my head. It comes and goes. The thought of leaving my children, something going wrong in surgery, finding out my cancer spread, or it coming back...I dont know...but it causes a knot in my throat and tears to roll down my eyes. It hurts so much to even think about leaving them. I KNOW every mom reading this blog understands me. I just dont want them to be confused on why this happened when I am telling them that Mommy is going to be ok. Im just going to get my "boobs removed so they can get the cancer out of my body" and I will be better. Is that wrong? Am I supposed to be saying something else. GRUGH! I don't know. I have so many fears that I dont even want to share..becuase they will sound insane. Its just something that I need to work through.

Oh man, its only Monday......My nurse at my plastic surgeon's office told me that I will be having lots of anxiety and she gave me a Rx for vicodin. I told Cory...I will NOT NEED THAT. I will be fine. LOL!!!! Its only Monday and Im scrambling for my nighttime magic pill. However I hate vicodin and the way it makes me feel. I might just need to take a full pill of my magic pill instead of half, but I dont think I can bring myself to take vicodin. Im a lightweight. This shall be fun with all the drugs I am on after surgery.

You know I actually waited so long for this surgery date that I thougth I would be fine by the time it came around. LOL!! I probably said that in this blog too.

Maybe I should stop writing. Im just rambling now. Anyway...Im off to listen to God's word on my earphones to put me to sleep.

Sorry if I stressed you out.