Tuesday, August 3, 2010

August 3rd 2010 Day 5 "Angry"

I didn't think this would ever come. But here it is. I woke up anxious as usual. I realized that I have a life that I can't put on hold. Im not angry that I have cancer. Jesus is more my comfort now than He ever has been. Im angry because my body and my mind want to stop, but I can't. I have two kids. I have a husband. I have a job! I can't just sit on my couch and mold my body into it, and cry for hours on hours. I want to..and trust me I do, but I can't. Yes I have people here to help with the kids, but they are mine. I dont want to be uncapable of doing that. Getting them ready for school takes every ounce of energy that I have. When I did Bella's hair this morning I asked her "so, what do you think about everyone coming over, and the tears" She said "I dont know" so I said "Do you want to talk about Mommy's cancer" she said "I dont know what to say". So I just told her that we dont have to talk about it then. She was ok with that. We have talked to them so much already...they just want to continue living the way they did Last Thursday.

After the kids left I went and started to pay bills. HAHAHAHA! Try doing that when you have just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer with no insurance. Money went in today and there isn't enough. Not because we can't afford to live, but because I have $1000 in medical bills and I just got the diagnosis. It hasn't even started yet. Government programs take time and that is SO FRUSTRATING! Cory and I had an argument that lasted 2 minutes before I was on the floor crying. Sobbing my heart out....because I want to know why I wasn't prepared for this! Why didn't we get insurance when we should have! Why do people have to worry about that when they are trying to process a diagnosis like this? I cried for what felt like hours. Cory just held me. Not knowing what to say other than "its going to be ok". He got up and started the shower for me. I hate getting undressed because once I do...the reality of a disease comes more alive to me.

When I feel like this....I get on my knees. Calling out to my comfort. I asked Him this morning if there ever was a perfect time to get cancer? Are things always in place, waiting for you to hear the news? I literally laughed out loud as I know He was too. Of course not. Nothing ever is in order. But God has a plan. And all of these bills will be taken care of. I know they will be. Doesn't mean that worry isn't a part of me.

My plan today is to sit and be still. I NEED to listen and hear His voice of comfort otherwise I have no chance in this battle.


  1. You have every right to be angry. There is nothing you did to deserve this. That's the thing about cancer, it's so random. My mom died at 62, the summer after you were in my class 21 years ago. She was a devout Catholic and she and my father served the church and always put God first. Why someone like that? Why someone like you? I've been waiting for the "when i get it" not the "if i get it." Just had my annual mamo last week and luckily it was clear. Because of my family history, I've been going every year since the age of 30. There have been so many wonderful women around me who get that horrible diagnosis and I feel like I've dodged another bullet. You are young and wonderful and so full of love and life that I know for sure that you will successfully beat this demon like so many other women I know. I am thinking of you always and love reading your blog. I wish it were under different circumstances. Stay as strong as you can. It's ok to break down too. Lots of prayers and love is coming your way.
    Love always,
    Terry Pollio

  2. I do not know you, but I know Kevin and Hope. I saw this link and read just today's blog. I cannot read further. My story is nowhere near the same as yours, but your blog today moved me to tears, as it stirred up memories...my husband woke up on our 25th anniversary with large lumps in his groin. Thus began our journey...our son was in Iraq and I was just beginning to breath again as he was coming back to the states in a month. Now this. A perfect time for cancer, as you stated? Never. Never. Ours (and I say "ours" as the spouse experiences it in MANY ways) was non Hodgkin's lymphoma...stage three. At first, they suspicioned stage four, but the first good news was that it was not in the bone marrow at this point...anyway, to make a very long story short, the oncologist informed us that this cancer cannot be cured, will kill him eventually, and we would attempt to put it into remission. We are one year past that, he is indeed in remission, and each and every day that we have together is a gift from God. I take nothing for granted. Life is good. I live it to the fullest. God bless you and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

    Pamela Seller Bell

  3. Hi Gabbee- Shannon Johnson, I used to be the lifestyle director over at sun city. I know we never really got to know eachother but i wanted to let you know that i am so sorry to hear of your recent discovery. i have had breast cancer touch my life through both friends and family and can sympathis with what your friends and family are going through. You have a great attitude and seem very strong willed, two must haves when fighting this battle. perhaps, if Anthem is doign their del webb goes pink walk they can give some of the proceeds to you to assist with paying your medical bills. If you are not comfortable addressing it, let me know. i can talk to Jaclyn. But what better way to rally the community to support one of their own? I look forward to following you and watching you kick this cancer in the butt on your way to recovery. Please know I am thinking happy thoughts and sending them your way. let me know if there is anything I can do on my end to assit.