I didn't think this would ever come. But here it is. I woke up anxious as usual. I realized that I have a life that I can't put on hold. Im not angry that I have cancer. Jesus is more my comfort now than He ever has been. Im angry because my body and my mind want to stop, but I can't. I have two kids. I have a husband. I have a job! I can't just sit on my couch and mold my body into it, and cry for hours on hours. I want to..and trust me I do, but I can't. Yes I have people here to help with the kids, but they are mine. I dont want to be uncapable of doing that. Getting them ready for school takes every ounce of energy that I have. When I did Bella's hair this morning I asked her "so, what do you think about everyone coming over, and the tears" She said "I dont know" so I said "Do you want to talk about Mommy's cancer" she said "I dont know what to say". So I just told her that we dont have to talk about it then. She was ok with that. We have talked to them so much already...they just want to continue living the way they did Last Thursday.
After the kids left I went and started to pay bills. HAHAHAHA! Try doing that when you have just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer with no insurance. Money went in today and there isn't enough. Not because we can't afford to live, but because I have $1000 in medical bills and I just got the diagnosis. It hasn't even started yet. Government programs take time and that is SO FRUSTRATING! Cory and I had an argument that lasted 2 minutes before I was on the floor crying. Sobbing my heart out....because I want to know why I wasn't prepared for this! Why didn't we get insurance when we should have! Why do people have to worry about that when they are trying to process a diagnosis like this? I cried for what felt like hours. Cory just held me. Not knowing what to say other than "its going to be ok". He got up and started the shower for me. I hate getting undressed because once I do...the reality of a disease comes more alive to me.
When I feel like this....I get on my knees. Calling out to my comfort. I asked Him this morning if there ever was a perfect time to get cancer? Are things always in place, waiting for you to hear the news? I literally laughed out loud as I know He was too. Of course not. Nothing ever is in order. But God has a plan. And all of these bills will be taken care of. I know they will be. Doesn't mean that worry isn't a part of me.
My plan today is to sit and be still. I NEED to listen and hear His voice of comfort otherwise I have no chance in this battle.