Today was rough. First day without Cory was more intense than I expected. He means so much to me and when he walked in the door I just fell into his arms. Safety...That is what I feel when I am with him.
This morning after I sent the kids off to school I came home and started writing an email to my kids teachers. I wanted them to know what the treatment plan is so that they can understand Isaac and Bella's behavior during that time. Talking about chemo made me really sad today. I proably said it before but I will say it again. I'd take a double mastecomy over chemo. I really dont want to lose my hair. My vanity.
I decided that when I have my start date for chemo, I will cut my hair really short, so I dont have to torture myself standing in the mirror pulling clumps of hair out of my head. So I will try and get somewhat of a cute cut, but that makes me cry.
All day I was anxious with litle panic attacks. My chest gets really tight and I can't take a full breath. Ugh, I hate it. Thank Goodness I had Carla and my sister here today. I couldn't handle being alone.
This afternoon Amy brought me a gift from Jackie. She is the speech therapist from school. Jackie if you are reading this...THANK YOU SO MUCH for my gift. I will be honest with you, that when I saw the bandana, I lost composure. This is so real. One minute trying to "own" the bald thing, and the next its a disaster for me. I sat there and cried and cried, while Amy and my sister just sat there with me. I hate feeling like this all the time. In fact my husband just said "Hun, im done with cancer, lets move on to something else" LOL....I wish it was that easy, but its not. Its here to stay until that stupid drug gets ahold of it.
The Mackenzies stopped by too. We had some good laughs talking about my surgery options and really just making fun of the whole situaition of reconstructive surgery. For some people, this would be devasting but for me, the thought of having "fake" boobs is kinda funny. Something I would never have chosen but now its not a choice. Im only 31 and I need it for myself.
Tonight I had dinner brought to us by the Severson Family. YUM!! Loaded Lasagna and Chocolate Cheesecake. It was very good. Thank you Teresa!
We also had a few friends over and a couple of teens. They played the Wii for a bit and I had some good laughs. It felt good. I needed to laugh and forget my new normal.
Im super tired from this rollercoaster of emotions but I didn't want to go to bed w/out writing. Tomorrow my plan is to write about my treatment plan in full detail. Lumpectomy VS Masectomy, my options, and test results.
Also, I wanted to thank you all for the donations. I have over $500 in our paypal account. I get to have my MRI on Monday because of that. SO thank you for contributing to my treatment.